* * * * *
Wednesday, April 26, 2006 03:08 p.m.
Bubbling...in...public!
Earlier some woman walking across Fairfield Avenue bubbled.
* * * * *
Monday, April 24, 2006 01:20 a.m.
An ish is pub...pub, pub...
An ish is pub...pub, pub...
An ish is pub...pub, pub...
An ish is pub...pub, pub...
Yes, a doggone ish is pub!
Issue #425 of The Last Word is out, and it's an 8-pager! And a damn good one!
In this ish, we talk about one state's effort to impeach the Great Leader, a pot law that ought to be flushed down the pot, lots of poo humor, and more!
Read it and peep:
members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw060424
* * * * *
Friday, April 21, 2006 10:59 p.m.
Tuesday's photos now posted
My Roads Scholaring pictures from Tuesday are now up for the whole wide world to ogle!
www.angelfire.com/yt2/lastword/roadpics/necampbell06a.html
www.angelfire.com/yt2/lastword/roadpics/necampbell06b.html
* * * * *
Friday, April 21, 2006 05:55 p.m.
Bubbling season must be here
Earlier at SuperValue, both the cashier and the bag guy bubbled.
* * * * *
Thursday, April 20, 2006 02:11 p.m.
Erica, I can't function
I've been informed that someone uttered the magic word (RUIN) on All My Children the other day, which brings me to some funny shit about that show.
I remember around the time I was in high school in the early '90s, my mom always taped All My Children off the TV while she was at work and watched it in the evening. This was around the time Dimitri joined the cast.
Personally, I'm not a big soap opera fan. But I became quite familiar with what was happening on All My Children around that time, because I was exposed to it so much. I always did my homework in the living room and made a whole bunch of noise while my mom was watching All My Children. She always got really mad because I always laughed at all the silly stuff that happened on that show.
One of my favorite jokes was about Dimitri being impotent and saying, "Erica, I can't function." Maybe it wasn't Erica he said this to, but one of the other women on the show. I always did an impression of Dimitri saying this, in that deep voice he had.
I remember how for college I had to fill out a very detailed financial aid form, and my mom had to fill out some parts of it, because it asked about parents' income and stuff. My mom started filling it out while she was watching All My Children. But I kept goofing off and making fun of the show, and every time Dimitri appeared, I kept making jokes about Dimitri because he "can't function."
So my mom got really, REALLY mad! It was UPROARIOUS!!!
Now I haven't seen that show in years!
* * * * *
Thursday, April 20, 2006 02:01 p.m.
A book I have to order just because of one chapter!
Oh man, oh man, oh man!
This is hilarious!
I was browsing Amazon and I came across a book I'm gonna order just because one chapter looks like it's uproarious!!!
It's a book about the board game Monopoly. Most of it's about strategies for the professional Monopoly player, but I don't plan on playing Monopoly anytime soon (because America's current economic structure is like a real-life game of Monopoly). I just want the book because of the final chapter (the epilogue), which is called...
"How To Deal With Tantrums"
Man, I bet that is a funny, funny, FUNNY chapter!!!
Fortunately, there are used copies available for as little as $1.85. Where else can you get so much entertainment for such a low price?
The book is from 1974, but Monopoly tantrums are so timeless that I'm sure the information hasn't changed in the past 32 years.
* * * * *
Tuesday, April 18, 2006 06:49 p.m.
Also...
Nothing really happened at school yesterday. Otherwise I would have mentioned it here.
* * * * *
Tuesday, April 18, 2006 06:20 p.m.
More Roads Scholaring and a Brian Hamrick sighting!
Today I had a very, very productive Roads Scholaring session, and I didn't even intend to. I was out for 6 hours. I intended just to go to one end of Dayton and back for exercise, but I managed to continue out KY 8 to Silver Grove. Don't ask me how, because parts of it are totally unbikeable.
I then went up Uhl Road, but I had to drag the hulking velocipede up a really bad hill there, since there's no way anyone could possibly ride a bike up it. Then I went home on US 27, Fort Thomas Avenue, and Dayton Pike.
How I did it, I'll never know.
Out on KY 8 in the rural part of Fort Thomas, I found a Channel 5 news van just parked there. I think it was at a driveway that goes down to one of those pumping stations. I saw Brian Hamrick (the reporter from Channel 5) get out of the van and ask one of the water department people something. I think it was for a story on a big power outage that was on the news later.
Over on KY 8 near there, I found a broken Still Rain CD resting along the road. Along the road in Silver Grove, I found a smashed Black Sabbath CD and a ruined DMX CD. Later, on Dayton Pike, I found a broken 50 Cent CD laying in the grass along the roadway.
This outing yielded probably 20 or 30 somewhat decent photos, and I expected to not get a single damn photo when I left this morning. I haven't processed today's photos yet though.
Also, remember about 3 years ago when some asshole signed up a fake account on an online personals site under my e-mail account, and how I wasn't able to delete the account - and how I got even by signing up a fake account and using a gigantic picture that took up bandwidth on the site? Well, I thought they deleted the fake account, but now I'm receiving e-mails from people who actually saw the fake account I set up. So now I know it's working and that's probably used up a lot of bandwidth. Good! It serves the personals site so fucking right!
* * * * *
Friday, April 14, 2006 01:38 p.m.
And another
I've now been informed that a Larry David look-alike was sighted at Max & Erma's.
But he didn't bubble.
* * * * *
Thursday, April 13, 2006 08:15 p.m.
A funny celebrity look-alike!
Remember Miz Tisdale, the elderly mail lady on The Dukes Of Hazzard who rode a motorcycle? Today at Kroger I saw a customer who looked just like her!
Also, I'm told that someone on the Food Channel said the magic word today. The chef was making grilled cheese sandwiches and started to eat one when it was ready and he said, "Let's not ruin this with talk."
RUIN, everyone, RUIN!
* * * * *
Wednesday, April 12, 2006 02:07 p.m.
Yesterday's pics now up!
Late last night I got yesterday's new batch of Roads Scholar photos posted. I was too tired to post anything about it here though. Anyway, since there's 22 pictures, I had to divide them into 2 parts...
www.angelfire.com/yt2/lastword/roadpics/secretbridge06a.html
www.angelfire.com/yt2/lastword/roadpics/secretbridge06b.html
Do keep in mind that Roads Scholaring is primarily a springtime hobby, so don't expect to find new photos every week like there's been for the past 3 weeks.
Speaking of the first signs of spring...ahem. Ahem ahem ahem...
Today I went to the bank, and guess what one of the tellers did? Just guess. She bubbled.
This is the first time I've seen anyone blow a bubble with bubble gum since October, for bubbling is primarily a warm weather sport.
* * * * *
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 06:55 p.m.
Ooh, a secret!
Remember about 2 years ago when I made a big deal of finding a secret bridge in Cincinnati? Welp, today I Roads Scholared there, and I was actually on the bridge!!!
There's got to be an Allowed Cloud against that! I was so thrilled about actually being on the bridge that I just about bipped!
For that reason alone, this turned out to be one of the best Roads Scholaring outings ever, or at least in this decade.
You don't know how thrilling it is for a Roads Scholar to visit an apparently off-limits area like the secret bridge! Now it's not such a secret, is it?
And I've got 22 - count 'em, 22 - new photos from today to document the incident! You'll be seein' 'em later!
* * * * *
Monday, April 10, 2006 08:56 p.m.
Midterms were today!
Welp, I had midterms today at school.
Not a damn thing interesting happened today though. In fact this has probably been the least eventful semester of school I've ever had.
I may do some Roads Scholaring tomorrow, if we work hard, if we behave.
* * * * *
Friday, April 7, 2006 11:11 p.m.
People's Forum mysteriously reappears
Over the past couple days, one of the strangest things that's happened in probably about 10 years has been happening here. I'm not really sure what to make of this, but anyway here it goes...
Yesterday I got some really cryptic e-mails about the ruin.net domain name. I clicked on the link, and found that ruin.net somehow leads to my main website. I guess they just gave me this domain name out of the blue.
Gee, thanks, whoever decided to just give me their domain name. I let my old domain name expire a few years ago, so it's fun to have a domain name again.
Ya gotta admit, "ruin" is a funny word, which is why I use this word a lot. I'm actually really serious-minded, but I still laugh when I hear the word "ruin". My twisted sense of humor keeps me going in today's uncertain world!
Now something even weirder happened today. I got another mysterious e-mail, this one informing me that the People's Forum has been restarted as a phpBB message board. Sure enough, I clicked on that link, and found my old People's Forum logo adorning a phpBB board.
Welp, there it is. I'm a little surprised by this, and I'm not sure what to make of it, but I guess they're serious. Gee, thanks, whoever gave me a new People's Forum.
I quickly grabbed the reins of this new People's Forum. I haven't figured out all the phpBB goodies yet, but I've started working on it.
Now that it's up, here's the link for it (yes, it's on ruin.net):
www.ruin.net/forum
You know what? I've been in such a good mood the past few weeks that I'm letting you post freely on it. Let's see how long it takes for idiots like GeneralDiaper (or whatever that person's handle was) to start abusing it. (Not very long, I bet.)
And by the way, I abandoned the old People's Forum on EZboard about 2 years ago because EZboard installed a mandatory cuss filter. I didn't want the cuss filter, but they took away my option of removing it. I could go into more detail some other time about all the incarnations of the People's Forum I've had over the past 8 years.
* * * * *
Thursday, April 6, 2006 07:13 p.m.
Roads Scholar pics from yesterday posted!
Yesterday's jaunt to the southwest section of Newport yielded 5 fine photos. Read 'em and peep:
www.angelfire.com/yt2/lastword/roadpics/swnewport06.html
* * * * *
Wednesday, April 5, 2006 06:10 p.m.
I rocked down to Electric Avenue!
Guess what I did today?
I Roads Scholared, that's what.
Yesterday I noticed someone slashed my bike tire (again), but I fixed that and went to the store. Today I decided to do some Scholarin' in the Newp, this time on the southwest side. Thus I also ended up in Wilder and Southgate.
A few highlights and lowlights some of you Roads Scholars might be interested in...
The last known yellow stop sign in Northern Kentucky intended for actual roadway traffic is now bye-bye. It was at 9th & Lowell, and it was still standing last year.
I went up Overlook Drive, which I intended to be the major attraction of this outing. The other day, my mom tried to drive her car up this road, but the road was in such hilariously bad condition that she couldn't drive up there. I mean, it's in horrible condition! So I went up there to investigate.
I mostly went out Grandview and into a new subdivision in Wilder, and then down into Southgate. I was on Electric Avenue! Does that pib or what?
Oh, and there's gonna be 5 interesting photos of this event coming your way!
* * * * *
Monday, April 3, 2006 05:20 p.m.
Someone said "ruin" on 'ER'!
Not much happened at school today.
I've just been informed that someone uttered the magic word on ER!
Also, I may do some Roads Scholaring this week, perhaps even tomorrow. The 'Nati might be a good place to go.
* * * * *
Saturday, April 1, 2006 11:09 p.m.
Magical Mystery Tour pics finally up!
I finally got around to posting my photos from the trip to Vermont back in October. There's only 9 pictures, and they're mostly along the same stretch of road. But you can check them out here:
www.angelfire.com/yt2/lastword/roadpics/northeast05.html
* * * * *
Thursday, March 30, 2006 03:28 p.m.
Roads Scholar photos now posted!
I didn't do any real Roads Scholaring today, since there's nothing else as close as southeast Newport that's in need of immediate attention.
But I did post a set of 12 very interesting, but somewhat sad, photos from yesterday's event:
www.angelfire.com/yt2/lastword/roadpics/senewport06.html
You're gonna dig these pictures! You've probably never seen anything quite like them! They're a part of history, so look at them lovingly!
* * * * *
Wednesday, March 29, 2006 06:00 p.m.
I Roads Scholared today!
It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood, and I didn't have school or work, so I Roads Scholared.
And tomorrow's supposed to have decent weather too. So I may do it again. (What song was that from anyway? It was one of those songs the old Channel Z used to play in the mid-'90s, I think.)
Today I did the southeast section of Newport. I have 12 interesting pictures that I plan on posting later. Tomorrow I might go over to the 'Nati! Won't that pib? Might, not will, so don't get your hopes up.
If not, then I'm going to get to work on my next book. A week or two ago, I noticed a huge spike in sales on Barnes & Noble that brang the sales rank of my first book up into the 100,000s (which is extremely high for an indie book). So I may be raking in some big bucks pretty soon, if that's any indication.
* * * * *
Monday, March 27, 2006 06:11 p.m.
Something kind of funny at school
There's a classmate in my computer class who spends every class looking up websites about racing cars and car parts. He never does anything that's actually related to this class. I know this because he usually sits in the row right in front of my row.
Today he insisted on borrowing my book because he didn't bother to have his book with him. But when I needed my book back, he just spent the rest of the class looking at auto racing sites again, because he didn't have his book.
But nobody bubbled.
* * * * *
Saturday, March 25, 2006 01:41 p.m.
Some Roads Scholaring on the way!
Here it comes, folks!
You better run, you better take cover!
Pretty soon (providing the permacloud goes away) I'm gonna get out Mr. Bikey and do some Rooooooooooads Scholarin'!
Won't that pib?
Here's some possible nearby places I plan on doing: The southeast section of Newport is one. They already tore down a bunch of the houses the city stole so they could put that development in, but I believe there's still some standing. Also, that one street is barricaded, which signals that it's about to meet its end, so I need to document this for historic purposes. I wish I knew to do such a thing back before the rightists destroyed Spooky Hollow to build I-471, but I was too young to know any better.
Because of the invention of digital photography, it's a lot easier and cheaper to document this stuff now, much like I did with Baymiller Street in Queensgate a couple years ago.
Speaking of Queensgate, another good Roads Scholaring site is the 8th Street Viaduct. There's still some neat stuff along that structure I want to get before that stuff goes away too.
Another possible site is KY 8 in Ludlow. I believe a section of this route has been rebuilt, so I wish I had documented it before the reconstruction began. But now it's too late...
Any public site within a few miles that's endangered is a good candidate for my next Roads Scholaring.
So be prepared, people! Don't be surprised to see me back in that bright part of town! (That's the third '80s lyrics reference in this entry, for those keeping track.)
* * * * *
Friday, March 24, 2006 12:51 a.m.
Mischief makers...love Arby's!
Welp, my caravan of counterculture cohorts helped boost the mischief rating for Thursday, and there's yet another computer virus to contend with, so anyway...
On Thursday evening, I happened to be present when one of those big plastic trays they put your food on at Arby's got tossed in the trash can. 'Twas kinda nifty!
After I got home, my computer picked up some virus that uses the filename ddccy.dll, which I think is that Winfixer virus. My virus detection software whines that it can't remove this program, so I'm hoping Spy Sweeper can get rid of it.
I really need to update my backups, since my computer has clearly been specifically targeted for viruses. (Gee, I wonder why.)
* * * * *
Wednesday, March 22, 2006 06:36 p.m.
Martha Stewart talks about basting and ruining stuff
BASTE!!!!!
RUIN!!!!!
Hahahahahaha!!!
I've just been informed that the other day on Martha Stewart's show, Martha talked about BASTING food with wine and how the food will get RUINED if it's not BASTED properly!
Isn't that funny?
(But Martha didn't bubble.)
* * * * *
Monday, March 20, 2006 05:34 p.m.
Low attendance
Nothing happened at school today, because hardly anybody even showed up! Probably over two-thirds of the class didn't bother to show up today. I could tell this made the professor mad!
* * * * *
Monday, March 13, 2006 06:49 p.m.
Another day of school fun
Not much happened at school today. Once again, about half the class failed to show up.
The spot where someone wrote "FUCK" on the wall in the restroom was finally cleaned up after at least 2 months. However, I also noticed that someone peed all over the floor in front of the toilet.
* * * * *
Thursday, March 9, 2006 10:08 p.m.
I did it my way...
I think it's time we need to stop tipetoeing around the fact that spyware is virusware.
The BlackWorm virus hit my computer this morning (thanks to Norton AntiVirus not detecting BlackWorm until after it does its damage). I think Norton removed the virus after it did its business, but the spyware it exposed me to remained. The spyware itself was like a virus in that it kept opening up about 5 windows on my web browser all at once and freezing up my computer.
At very minimum, it's trespassing - unlike what the fascists at NKU call trespassing, but that's another matter. But America is no longer a nation of laws, and therefore there are no consequences - but again, that's another matter too.
One of the spyware programs was that MyWay crap that removed the address bar from my browser. I dealt with MyWay my way, by doing the ol' Add/Remove programs thing.
I think I also got rid of most of the other spyware - viruses, rather. But I know not all of it's gone, and that's why the repairperson is going to look at my computer tomorrow morning.
So if you don't see any new entries for a while, it's because my computer got trashed by BlackWorm and I don't know it yet.
* * * * *
Thursday, March 2, 2006 01:32 p.m.
Fun at Frisch's
I know the header "Fun at Frisch's" seems self-contradicting, but yesterday I received a mildly amusing story of something someone did at a Frisch's Big Boy restaurant.
I remember Frisch's having really good onion rings up until the '80s or so. Onion rings were one of their best and most famous menu items. I know their onion rings aren't nearly as good now as they used to be (but then again, nothing is).
Anyway, someone tells us that they went to a Frisch's yesterday to get supper. The customer tried ordering onion rings, but Frisch's was out of onion rings. So the customer tried ordering Butterfinger cheesecake, but the lady working there said Frisch's doesn't have Butterfinger cheesecake anymore - even though this item is right there on the menu, staring the world in the face.
So the customer declared, "Then take it off the menu!" and canceled the rest of the order. The customer then walked out of Frisch's and drove away! So Frisch's lost one customer's business yesterday evening.
I wish I was there to see this incident unfold! I bet it was hilarious to see in person!
* * * * *
Tuesday, February 28, 2006 02:39 a.m.
Have no fear! Year #15 is here!
Actually, The Last Word has only been around since 1993, but I count 2006 as volume #15, because I started a new volume after I came back from retirement in 1996.
Anyway, the first ish of 2006 is ish #424 overall, and it's out now!
The latest issue talks about some new right-wing foibles. I figured The Last Word was due for a revamp, so you may notice some subtle changes in layout. It works beautifully on my browser, so hopefully it will look right on yours too! The layout of The Last Word was just getting really obsolete, so I either had to fix it, or The Last Word had to go. It's as simple as that.
Check out the latest ish at:
members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw060228
Also, I forgot to tell you that I don't have school next week because I'll be on spring break.
* * * * *
Monday, February 27, 2006 08:17 p.m.
A somewhat dull day, but with some minor amusements
Today in computer class, some guy who I didn't recognize sat in the back of the classroom for the first half of class and mumbled to himself the whole time.
Also, some guy in my class got skeeped at by the professor for using the computers for personal use during class lectures. The professor was roaming around the room, and she saw that this student was doing something on the computer that had absolutely nothing to do with the course. It looked like the student was editing the Wikipedia article on motorcycles, though I wasn't close enough to see for certain. The professor said something to the effect of, "That has nothing to do with this class."
* * * * *
Thursday, February 23, 2006 11:57 a.m.
Give a hoot! Steal some cereal!
Last night I had one of the weirdest dreams I can ever remember having.
In this strange dream, the Kroger in Bellevue accused me of shoplifting a box of cereal. I think it was Kix or Honey Comb or something. When they accused me of stealing it, I was still inside the store, in the frozen foods aisle, and I had the cereal box right there in my shopping cart (instead of under my shirt or something).
The Campbell County Recorder ran a large half-page article about the episode and printed my mugshot. The article got my last name wrong, due to a bureaucratic mix-up at the courthouse. The piece had some funny headline like "Mayoral hopeful arrested over cereal."
'Twas quite an amusing dream!
* * * * *
Tuesday, February 21, 2006 10:05 p.m.
Pinched nerves are fun
For the past couple days I've had a pinched nerve in my foot. Hurt like high hell it does.
* * * * *
Tuesday, February 21, 2006 12:40 a.m.
Yet another important anniversary
We're right around the time of what for me personally is yet another major school-related anniversary. I don't know the exact date, but it had to have been February or perhaps March of 1986.
I'm talking about My Very First Expulsion (the one from Cline).
Twenty years of being expelled! Amazing!
* * * * *
Friday, February 17, 2006 02:05 a.m.
I'll never be your baste of burden...
Hahahahahahaha!!!
They're playing "BASTE OF BURDEN"!!!
* * * * *
Monday, February 13, 2006 08:07 p.m.
What a pooey day
Not much happened in school today. I think I detected a brief whiff of a trouser sneeze in the student lounge, but that's about it.
Next Monday is Presidents Day, so I won't have school next week unless a class gets rescheduled.
Also, I've encountered the Lou Reed look-alike on every day I've had school so far this semester.
* * * * *
Wednesday, February 8, 2006 01:36 p.m.
Another Cletus bubbling
I discovered another episode of The Dukes Of Hazzard in which Cletus bubbled while chasing the Dukes. This one was actually before the famous episode where he bubbled using gray bubble gum.
In the February 20, 1981, episode, Cletus bubbled using what appeared to be standard light pink gum. I don't ever remember seeing this episode ever before, so this must have been the one I missed for that portrait. I probably couldn't catch it in the reruns because we went most of the summer without a TV.
And so, Cletus bubbled again!
* * * * *
Monday, February 6, 2006 08:25 p.m.
Dammit! No oaptag stories today!
Not much happened at my college classes this week, much to your chagrin. Somebody did pull the classic prank of locking a restroom stall door and crawling out of the stall underneath the door, but that's it.
* * * * *
Sunday, February 5, 2006 09:50 p.m.
Fuck the Super Bowl
Is the Super Bowl over now, or is it still on? I don't know, because I sure as shit ain't watching it.
* * * * *
Monday, January 30, 2006 11:07 p.m.
A mini-oaptag happened today
Today at school, I thought there was going to be a repeat of the famous oaptag lecture.
In computer class, we had a very difficult test where we had to print something out on the printer that's hooked up to the computer network in the classroom. (This is a communal printer that's hooked up to all the computers at once.) When I got to the printer to get my printout, I noticed someone had used one of the computers to access and print out the entire intro screens of the Def Leppard and Hulk Hogan fan websites.
I found a big pile of about 5 sheets of paper on which someone had printed hi-res photos and the intricate Def Leppard logo from these sites. The printer in that room uses very thick paper, and it uses really good ink that doesn't smudge. I'm not sure if it's a laser printer or not, but I think it might be, and laser printers use very expensive ink.
In other words, somebody had wasted perfectly good paper and ink printing out Def Leppard and Hulk Hogan pictures that had absolutely nothing to do with school! And then they just tossed the printouts aside without even keeping them.
I'm a guy who usually cries when perfectly good paper is wasted, but I almost burst out laughing when I saw this!
Later, the professor told the class that our class grade would be based not only on our test scores but also on how well we pay attention. She said something to the effect of, "Some of you have been using the computers in here for stuff that has nothing to do with this class." I don't know if she was referring to the Hulk Hogan and Def Leppard printouts or not, but she probably was.
So yeah, this was kind of a rerun of the hilarious oaptag lecture from 5th grade. Pretty funny when you think about it. So I guess that paper and ink weren't wasted in vain.
* * * * *
Friday, January 27, 2006 01:12 p.m.
Oh man, this one's gonna be good!
You may have have noticed lately that I haven't mentioned getting any harassing phone calls. That's because about a month ago I had to have my number changed, because I was receiving the same threatening phone call about once every 45 minutes, like clockwork. It couldn't be traced, and of course Cincinnati Bell wouldn't help track them down, because they wanted me to spend $12 to change my number.
I've had to do this before. Without fail, someone always finds out the new number within a few weeks, and the calls resume. I know the fact that my new number is getting out is an inside job at the phone company, and I know this for reasons I'm not getting into here.
Not surprisingly, the harassing phone calls have resumed, and they've been traced to various toll-free 800 and 888 numbers. But that was all I knew, because I tried calling them back only to get a busy signal, and I couldn't find any mention of these numbers on the Internet.
Well, this morning I was rousted out of bed early by yet another such call, this one traceable to an 888 number.
So I got on the Internet later and traced it to a campaign office of one John Spencer, a right-wing Republican running for the U.S. Senate in the state of New York. (He was once the mayor of Yonkers. I don't know if he was mayor when the city kept getting in trouble for fair housing violations though.)
I've got the full phone number jotted down on a green bank receipt on the table next to my bed, in the sort of messy writing you'd expect from someone being rousted from their sleep.
I am going to be damn sure my friends who read DU and DailyKos find out about this, because there's a lot of people there who share my belief that if you're running for Senate, you damn sure don't let a bunch of thirty-something playground bullies work on your campaign!
Now I'm waiting for "Elmer Fudd" to launch a big diatribe ranting about how it was my fault for something I did when I was 5 years old.
Also, if I ever find a copy of the police report I made back in 1998 or 1999 about those harassing e-mails I was receiving, I'll scan it in and post it on my site. Just so you know I haven't forgotten about that.
By the way, this is also going to earn Spencer an entry on the Conservative Fool Of The Day blog, of which I'm a major contributor.
* * * * *
Monday, January 23, 2006 05:49 p.m.
Like Cline without the fascism
So far, my new school has been like Cline without all the things that made Cline so miserable.
Originally I was going to say it was like Brossart without all the things that made that school so horrid, but comparing it with Bro$$art wouldn't be fair to my current school. Besides, it would be misleading, because almost everything about Brossart was awful, so if you take all the negative aspects of Brossart away there's hardly anything left.
What I mean when I compare my community college to Cline minus the fascism is that something major got ruined at school today, and it was quite hilarious. Somebody poured an entire 20-ounce bottle of 7-Up down inside the keyboard of one of the computers in the student lounge.
The keyboard was utterly ru!
Also, I saw a celebrity look-alike. Two weeks ago, I noticed some middle-aged guy who resembled a certain celebrity, but I just couldn't figure out who. Today I saw him again, and finally I figured out that he looks like Lou Reed!
* * * * *
Saturday, January 21, 2006 12:20 p.m.
Bob Evans, down on the farm...
I've just been informed that the bathroom at a Bob Evans restaurant in Centerville, OH, was totally trashed!
The toilet seat had pee sprinkled all over it, and there were bits of toilet paper all over the floor!
* * * * *
Monday, January 16, 2006 12:47 p.m.
Some rules for you to break
I don't have school today, since it's a federal holiday, so I'm going to regale you with some of the ridiculosity found in the student handbook.
Now, I read the handbook a couple months back, and I got a good laugh from it. Keep in mind that this is a state-supported community college, not a private school or an elementary or high school, so you'd think we'd be treated more like adults.
According to a school rule, if you get convicted of a minor drug offense while you're a student - even if the offense doesn't happen at school or a school function - you're required to notify the school within 5 days.
Yeah, right. Like it's any of the school's damn business.
Apparently, 2 such minor convictions while you're a student results in expulsion, even if the offenses don't take place at school.
So they're trying to keep students in suspended animation when they're not actually at school. Lovely.
No similarly tough rule exists against bullies. Of course. The school would rather have bullies than stoners, I guess. Oh well, that's the Kentucky education system for ya!
An equally hilarious and stupid rule is...
THE DRESS CODE!!!
Hahahaha. Yeah, right. Nothing real specific here. But they do expect students to dress as if they're employed in whichever industry they're studying for a career in.
Somehow I don't think my classmates take that rule real seriously, for half of them showed up in Korn t-shirts last week. I'm glad people are ignoring the dress code, since this is a public college after all.
Honestly, what are they gonna do if someone disobeys the dress code? Are they gonna send them to the office for swats or something?
As we said in the olden days: Stupid rules are meant to be ignored!
* * * * *
Saturday, January 14, 2006 11:00 p.m.
Another amusing story
I just heard another somewhat funny story!
Up in Tipp City, OH, some guy found that his truck had been vandalized with poo-poo from a dirty diaper smeared around the antenna!
What smelly reception he must have received.
* * * * *
Monday, January 9, 2006 08:45 p.m.
Nose bubbling: a new Olympic sport!
I found something uproarious!
It's a link to a video of the woman who's over 50 years old and still blows bubble gum bubbles with her nose. In this clip, she bubbles a big pink bubble twice the size of her head:
www.youtube.com/?v=RVdhzgpALhE
* * * * *
Monday, January 9, 2006 06:11 p.m.
Back to school after 11 years of obscurity
Today I returned to school as a student for the first time since my illegal expulsion from NKU (which was caused in part by NKU's fascism). Now I'm going to community college, which pibs in a big way like so many other things we know and love.
My computer class looks like it's gonna be damn hard! Maybe not impossible like Bro$$art, but still mighty difficult. This class only has about 15 students, and half of them didn't even bother to show up.
Nobody ripped any bunker blasts today, nor did they bubble. But I did see some very minor bathroom destroyment: Someone wrote "FUCK" on the bathroom wall and peed on some bits of toilet paper that were resting on the seat. Nothing approaching the Brossart level of ridiculousness though.
* * * * *
Sunday, January 8, 2006 11:45 p.m.
School starts tomorrow!
School starts tomorrow, which is why I haven't been posting much here in the past week.
Also, at an important family gathering at my mom's house today, I twice briefly detected the scent of a silent but deadly bunker blast.
* * * * *
Monday, January 2, 2006 10:53 p.m.
Walking on, walking on broken baste...
Hahahahahahaha!
They're playing "Walking On Broken Baste" on the radio!
* * * * *
Saturday, December 31, 2005 11:27 p.m.
Crying over spilled milk
Earlier at Don Pablo's, some kid spilled milk all over the floor.
* * * * *
Thursday, December 29, 2005 03:56 p.m.
Cletus really did chew gray bubble gum!
Bubble gum and "The Dukes Of Hazzard"! Together at last!
I only remember one episode of "The Dukes Of Hazzard" where anyone bubbled. I knew there was an episode where Cletus bubbled using gray bubble gum, because I remembered seeing it when it first aired. I hadn't seen it in years though, so I was starting to think my mind was just playing tricks on me.
Turns out I was right all along! Near the beginning of the January 8, 1982, episode, Cletus is seen in his patrol car chasing Bo and Luke. Bubble he does! And yes, the gum is gray!
This remains the only time I've ever seen gray bubble gum. I guess maybe it's New England clam chowder flavor, which would make this the only time this flavor has ever been sighted south of the Mason-Dixon line. Or maybe it's newspaper flavor or rotten green bean flavor. Man, that beats all you never saw!
* * * * *
Thursday, December 29, 2005 12:53 p.m.
Another year of ruining stuff is about to end
I just heard a rumor that the word "ruin" was used on "One Life To Live".
Also, it is rumored that the magic word was also used in a commersh for Secret deodorant. Some guy at a store was talking about the clerk ruining silks with her deodorant.
* * * * *
Monday, December 26, 2005 11:07 a.m.
Silent (but deadly) night...
Yesterday I went to yet another Christmas gathering at my mom's house. And guess what happened?
Someone twice ripped a silent but deadly trouser sneeze in the living room! It was quite amusing. People gasped for air as they pointed fingers at possible suspects.
My mom sprayed deodorizer throughout the living room to mask the pungent scent of the wafting bunker blasts.
* * * * *
Saturday, December 24, 2005 09:24 a.m.
'Tis the season for flatulence
Last night at a family gathering at my mom's house, a bunker blast reportedly wafted, which continues a long, proud tradition of Christmastime flatulence.
I failed to detect the aroma, although others reported to have smelled it. Names of possible suspects were bandied about, but no suspects could be indicted for this alleged violation of the Geneva Convention.
This was nothing compared to the hilarious flatulence event that happened at Christmastime in 2003.
* * * * *
Wednesday, December 21, 2005 12:58 a.m.
Pooing is cool
And funny.
* * * * *
Friday, December 16, 2005 12:00 a.m.
I mean it like a grown-up dictionary...
They're playing "I mean it like a grown-up dictionary..." on the radio. Or at least that's what I always thought he said. I kept hearing it on the radio when I went on my trip to Hopkinsville back in '95, and there was universal agreement it sounded like he was indeed saying, "I mean it like a grown-up dictionary..."
It's unclear what a "grown-up dictionary" is though. I guess it's a dictionary that includes all the grown-up words. I had heard the expression "to mean it like a dictionary" before, but I had never heard anyone specify a "grown-up dictionary."
* * * * *
Monday, December 12, 2005 12:45 a.m.
Richard Pryor was cool
Richard Pryor was cool.
He had something in common with yours truly: He got expelled from school as a youth. And so did Roger Daltrey of The Who. And the late Rick James and probably a few other famous people.
So I guess you can get expelled from school and still manage to go pretty far in life.
The few. The proud. The expelled.
I always thought Richard Pryor's famous joke about flushing the toilet was hilarious. I think I have the audiocassette where he tells that joke somewhere. I must have listened to him tell that joke about a million times, it was so funny (because it had to do with toilets).
* * * * *
Saturday, December 10, 2005 12:11 a.m.
Pile driver woes
Anyone else in Bellevue damn sick and tired of hearing that loud pile driver down on the river for 11 hours a day, 5 days a week, for the past 5 weeks?
Although the noise comes from Eden Avenue between Taylor and Washington, you can hear it all the way down at 6th & Monmouth in Newport. So you can imagine how loud it must be in Bellevue.
Yes, this is that thing that sounds like an explosion going off once every second or so.
I've complained to the city about this nuisance, and they haven't done a thing. But heaven forbid anyone have a car radio up too loud for more than 3 seconds.
* * * * *
Tuesday, December 6, 2005 10:58 p.m.
But something happened on the way to the bathroom...
Oh man, this is too funny for words!
They're playing "Something Happened On The Way To The Bathroom" on Max 97.7!
Hahahahaha!!! And right after I mentioned it in that Last Word article too!
* * * * *
Tuesday, December 6, 2005 08:44 p.m.
He's guilty...of being a celebrity look-alike in the first degree...
I've just been told of a hilarious celebrity look-alike!
Apparently, some guy who looks exactly like the lead singer of Alabama (the band) was sighted at Value City!
* * * * *
Tuesday, December 6, 2005 02:29 a.m.
Everybody knows that bastin' ain't allowed in school...
Guess what song they're playing now?!?!?!
"BASTIN' IN THE BOYS' ROOM"!!!!!!!!!!
'Cause everybody knows that bastin' ain't allowed in school. (Ooh, an Allowed Cloud!)
* * * * *
Tuesday, December 6, 2005 12:19 a.m.
"I pretend by shit's not stinking..."
Hahahahaha! They're playing "I PRETEND MY SHIT'S NOT STINKING..." on the RADIO!!!
* * * * *
Sunday, December 4, 2005 03:55 a.m.
Have no fear, another ish is here!
Ish #423 of The Last Word is now pub!
Amazing. It's been 9 years since I actually decided I was through with The Last Word once and for all, and yet it's still around after all that time!
This issue is 6 pages when printed out, but only has 2 articles. This ish has another travelogue and another important local election issue.
Read it and peep:
members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw051204
* * * * *
Thursday, December 1, 2005 08:25 p.m.
School's in!
I went to my academic advisor appointment on Tuesday over in Covington. I was almost there, when I almost decided to just turn around and go home, because it seemed so silly that I should go back to school at the age of 32, considering I have 3 years of college already.
But I did go to my appointment, and I'm going to be taking some college-level courses in computers starting in January. I only have classes on Mondays though, so if anything funny happens at school, you'll only get to read about it once a week.
I'm not gonna go into too many details of the stuff I'm studying, because the more I do, the more I get interrogated about it.
Also, this is at the Highland Heights campus, so I have to make some weird arrangements just to get to the damn place from Bellevue.
* * * * *
Monday, November 28, 2005 10:44 p.m.
A big day tomorrow!
Tomorrow is when I go over to school to sign up for classes.
That bips in a big way like so many other things we know and love, doesn't it?
* * * * *
Thursday, November 24, 2005 03:53 a.m.
A hilarious TV moment you may remember...
Members of my immediate family will probably remember this and burst out laughing when they remember what I did when this appeared on TV:
snl.jt.org/detail.php?i=2287
The funny thing is, I was only 9, and probably wasn't really old enough for "Saturday Night Live" yet. But for some reason, I was watching it anyway. I guess it's because my parents had it on in the living room.
Yes, I mooned Ronald Reagan when the camera panned over to his portrait.
* * * * *
Monday, November 21, 2005 11:21 p.m.
And another celebrity look-alike too!
Also, I've just been told that a Groucho Marx look-alike was spotted at the Home Depot in Englewood, OH, on Saturday.
* * * * *
Monday, November 21, 2005 10:54 p.m.
Another TV bubbling for your amusement
I've just been informed that a bubbling was just sighted on television. Apparently, a Green Bay Packers player bubbled a big pink bubble.
* * * * *
Saturday, November 19, 2005 11:24 p.m.
Hahahaha, a somewhat funny commersh
There's this radio commercial for some mortgage company or something that they keep playing that uses a music bed that sounds exactly like the closing theme from "Scooby-Doo" from the late '70s.
* * * * *
Saturday, November 19, 2005 07:39 p.m.
Another hilarious report of a celebrity look-alike!
I've just been informed that a Bob Newhart look-alike was sighted at the Kroger in Bellevue!!!
* * * * *
Wednesday, November 16, 2005 09:02 p.m.
We're gonna plop...all night...in the neighborhood...don't it feel alright...
Guess what Friday is?
That's right!
Plop Day!
This year, November 18 falls on a Friday, just like the original Plop Lecture. Does that pib or what?
* * * * *
Tuesday, November 15, 2005 10:26 p.m.
Dukakis is cool
Michael Dukakis is cool.
Damn, I still can't believe he lost. It wouldn't be so bad if Dukakis didn't lose to such an utter incompetent like Pa Bush, and if Pa Bush's followers didn't act like it was their birthright to see all of their candidates elected in every single election (under the penalty of eternal scorn that they've held against Dukakis supporters ever since).
Anyway, something funny happened earlier. A family member and I went to Kroger together this evening. I spotted a Dukakis look-alike in the produce aisle. I didn't say anything, but my family member whispered to me, "I think that's Dukakis's brother over there." So I know I'm not the only person who thought that the man at Kroger today resembled the Democratic statesman from Massachusetts.
But nobody bubbled.
* * * * *
Tuesday, November 15, 2005 12:30 a.m.
Possible new idea for a book
After having to deal with all the stupidtivity lately by people talking trash about me, I've just come up with an excellent idea for my next book. It's kind of a follow up to The Fight That Never Ends, but it will be more of a humor book. The purpose of this book will be to tell the stories behind the bullies - namely some of the embarrassing stuff they did to disgrace themselves.
I think that would be perfect, don't you?
* * * * *
Wednesday, November 9, 2005 1:43 a.m.
[serious] Some things just aren't supposed to happen
There's certain things in life that just aren't supposed to happen. Period.
The elections on Tuesday went better than they've gone since about 1999, which was supposed to happen, but this entry isn't about elections or partisan politics.
On Tuesday (due to events unrelated to the election) I came closer to breaking than I've been in years (possibly ever). I mean it. Certain people just don't know how to leave certain things ALONE!!!!!
I literally became physically sick because of what I had to deal with on Tuesday.
I've been forced to tolerate a lot of bullshit over the past 21 years, and most of it was something that was never supposed to happen. I never expected life to be perfect, and I know that often when some tragedy befalls someone, people say it wasn't supposed to happen. In my case it certainly is true.
All of this could have been stopped years ago. But I didn't know how. And I didn't know how to tell the only people who would have actually done something about it. The school system brainwashed me, and I was too humiliated by the school system to tell anyone what was going on at school.
I know it started in '84, but I think I can just about pinpoint when my heart was broken right in two. I think it had to be in December 1986, or possibly November, in music class in 8th grade. When someone says those types of things about you, it stays with you forever.
Why couldn't I just get out when I had the chance?
Then, when I was a freshman (I think) in high school (Bro$$art), which had to have been in '87 or '88 (probably spring of '88), a classmate said something to me that just ripped my heart right out. For years, I was thinking it was at the beginning of math class, but now I think it may have been at the beginning of health or religion class (which were in the same room as each other).
These idiots at school just were not very good people. I can also assure you that they must have had some serious psychological problems to do and say some of the things they did. They used to defecate on floors, for crying out loud! (And it wasn't because they weren't allowed to use the bathroom - because they did this in the bathroom.)
Uh, hello? By about 1988, couldn't anyone have seen what was going on and intervened?
I can guarantee that I do not have any psychotic disorders like the weirdoes at school did. Why they exaggerate and spread half-truths to try to make me look like a nut must be their way of dealing with their own inner turmoil. However, I do now have PTSD, because I've had to put up with this bullshit for the past 21 years.
Just think what it would do to you.
Again, I ask, how in the hell did I survive it for even the 6 years that I put up with it daily?
What I experienced was not supposed to happen. Any reasonable person who witnessed it would agree. People who didn't see it think it couldn't have happened, but it did.
You know what my IQ was in elementary school? It was 195. Yes, 195! I remember being given the test, and how later the school system exploited the results to suit their purposes. If any of my old teachers remember what my IQ was in elementary school, they would be utterly shocked that I later got kicked out of 4 schools, failed 10th grade, have been arrested twice, never finished college, and have never been able to find a job that pays more than minimum wage. (Seriously. In real wages, the library gig was by far the best-paying job I ever had.)
This is all because of what happened to me in middle and high school.
What happened was an American tragedy.
But the good news is that I only look and feel dead. People continue to talk trash about me, and I fight back harder than I've fought in years. I'm just not going to tolerate people talking smack about me over things that happened 20 years ago, and I had the courage on Tuesday to fight back. And fighting back got me somewhere, because most of that little flamewar against me got taken down later. (The "ignore" sloganeers can shut up now.)
I was deeply pleased when my fighting back paid off. And I know it's going to get me in serious trouble, but I had to do what I did. I didn't break any laws, but I'm going to be in deep shit with some other parties for fighting back. Even so, if I lose my main Internet account over this, I'll still feel a lot better than if I hadn't fought back at all. Such a punishment would be far less severe than the pain of allowing the garbage to continue unabated.
People need to learn to leave me the fuck alone. Any normal person who is at least 12 has grown out of the shit the idiots pull. Why are they still allowed to get away with it at 32?
* * * * *
Monday, November 7, 2005 11:06 a.m.
I'm going back to school!!!
Clink clink clink! (That's the sound of a person clinking a wine glass with a fork at a restaurant, which is what soap opera characters always do when they have a big announcement to make.)
No, I'm not seeking political office. At least not right now.
I'm going back to school!
And this isn't like a few years ago when I applied to go back to NKU and my application was ignored. This time I applied at community college instead.
I know you're thinking, Yeah, your application is just going to be ignored this time too. Well, guess what? It wasn't. I've already been accepted for admission starting in January.
So it looks like a new entry in my old School Days page is going to be written.
* * * * *
Sunday, November 6, 2005 09:38 p.m.
The November toilet humor begins
Earlier I went to an early Thanksgiving party. While I was there, some teenager ran into the yard to retrieve a ball he had thrown over there, and he ripped a silent but deadly bunker blast.
* * * * *
Saturday, November 5, 2005 04:28 a.m.
Have no fear, ish #422 is here!
Here it is!
Issue #422 of The Last Word is now pub:
http://members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw051105
* * * * *
Thursday, November 3, 2005 11:58 p.m.
Some asshole is stealing my mail again
Some asshole has been stealing my mail again.
This has only been going on since, what, 1997 now?
* * * * *
Sunday, October 30, 2005 09:23 p.m.
"Did I biff again...I think I biffed again...oh oh..."
I heard "I BIFFED AGAIN" on Q-102 earlier! Hahahahaha!
Also, today I saw some woman who was about 60 years old bubbling.
* * * * *
Tuesday, October 25, 2005 01:33 p.m.
About damn time: #567,181 on Barnes & Noble!
My book The Fight That Never Ends has finally entered Barnes & Noble's ranking at #567,181, even though it made it up into the 40,000s on Amazon.
About damn time! It's actually surprising it's doing that well, considering how the Hitlers in the mainstream media have completely ignored it because it doesn't jibe with their worldview.
* * * * *
Sunday, October 23, 2005 08:48 p.m.
Updated my "On The Road Again" page!
Click on this link for my "On The Road Again" feature, now updated with an entry for my trip to the Northeastern U.S. of A. States:
members.iglou.com/bandit/ontheroad.html
* * * * *
Thursday, October 20, 2005 11:59 p.m.
The Magical Mystery Tour is waiting to take you away...
Just got back from another road trip!
This one was to Upstate New York, Massachusetts, and Vermont. And some HILARIOUS stuff happened!!!
I call this the Magical Mystery Tour because something uproarious happened: A humongous booger got wiped on a computer-generated map we brang along, and we couldn't find the source of the nasty gob of mucus. A thorough investigation concluded that it was a magical, mysterious booger whose source would never be known or understood. The booger had some very unboogerly properties, particularly its failure to dry up, and the fact that it seemed to expand.
It actually looked like the booger was going to slime everything in sight, and we had to keep it at a safe distance.
It was as hilarious as you might imagine!
On the way home through Ohio, something just as funny happened at an Amish restaurant. An attendant there FARTED really loud while she was clearing one of the tables!
Also, in Watertown, NY, some bratty kids deliberately pushed a skateboard out into the street, and the car sounded like it sustained heavy damage when we ran over it.
The clerk at a motel in Kingston, NY, looked like Mr. Hooper from "Sesame Street". Another celeb look-alike: A guest at a motel in Ithaca, NY, resembled Madalyn Murray O'Hair.
But nobody bubbled.
* * * * *
Thursday, October 13, 2005 08:40 p.m.
More boredom
Not much has been happening here lately - although there was a case on "Judge Judy" today in which the word "ruined" was uttered about 15 times. It was the case where the plaintiff sued the manager of a restaurant where he worked, claiming his clothes got ruined when the basement of the restaurant flooded.
Hear that, everyone? RUINED!!! Such a beautiful word!
* * * * *
Saturday, October 8, 2005 08:54 p.m.
Another day, another ruined restroom
I've just been informed of another utterly trashed bathroom. This one is at the Meijer store in Troy, OH.
According to the latest report from that particular loo, a toilet had YELLOW SHIT on the back of the seat! Another stall had poo-poo all over the wall and on the back of the toilet seat. To add insult to injury, the restroom stank of raw sewage.
Bet it was funny to see that!
* * * * *
Thursday, October 6, 2005 01:34 p.m.
#485 on Lulu!
The Fight That Never Ends is up to #485 of all-time on Lulu (up from down below #1,500). I'm surprised it's not on the weekly or monthly top 100 because of this.
* * * * *
Wednesday, October 5, 2005 07:44 p.m.
Not to brag, but...
There's about to be a huge spike in the Lulu ranking for my book. It hasn't happened yet at this moment, but I just saw the sales report for September, and let me tell you something, it's going to be big. (This is not the Amazon or Barnes & Noble ranking, but the Lulu ranking. Most of these sales are probably from bookstores.)
I'd give it maybe a couple more days before the ranking goes up. Let me tell you, I wouldn't be surprised if it's in the top 500 on Lulu after this, and probably a lot higher than that on the weekly ranking.
* * * * *
Monday, October 3, 2005 08:11 p.m.
What? Football in The Last Word? Has the Great Royal Tim flipped his lid?
What's The Last Word doing discussing FOOTBALL anyway???
Football, of all things!
Find out in the latest issue - ish #421!
Also this brief issue includes the latest details on my current hilarious showdown with AT&T corporate tyranny and a short account of residents battling a local nuisance.
Read it and peep:
members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw051003
* * * * *
Saturday, October 1, 2005 11:36 p.m.
Ruining stuff and bubbling on TV is cool
I've just been informed that there was some TV show where Larry David bubbled and said the word "ruin" twice.
It just goes to show, it's cool to ruin stuff and to bubble on TV.
* * * * *
Sunday, September 25, 2005 08:36 p.m.
The Kline Krew is back...Circus Vargas, Circus Vargas...
Last night I had another meeting with the legendary Kline Krew, which is the first one I've had in about a year.
* * * * *
Friday, September 23, 2005 11:27 p.m.
Nosebleeds are cool
Earlier I had a nosebleed, which is the first one I can remember since I had one at school at Highland Heights Elementary.
* * * * *
Thursday, September 22, 2005 11:55 p.m.
Someone shit on the floor at Golden Corral!
Tonight at the Golden Corral restaurant in Fort Wright, as we were going to our table, we happened to notice something on the floor next to the table right behind ours. It was brown and maybe pebble-sized.
We wondered aloud if the object was what it appeared to be. Namely poo. I bent down, close enough to have a better look at the item, and I can just about say with certainty that, yes, it was poo! I assume it was human poo, not dog poo, as this was inside the restaurant.
How did poo get on the floor of Golden Corral, of all places? Someone must have soiled themselves, and the poo rolled down the leg of their pants and onto the floor.
The story gets weirder. I later noticed that the poo was mysteriously missing. Did the poo just grow legs and walk away? I should think not. It is, after all, merely poo, and not a living organism.
* * * * *
Thursday, September 22, 2005 02:02 p.m.
Goody goody gumdrops! Another asshole gets exposed!
I got woken up again this morning at 3 AM by some asshole making harassing phone calls. This time it was traced to some dickwipe on York Street in Newport. You know it was his office number, because nobody who actually lives on York Street would be doing this shit.
* * * * *
Tuesday, September 20, 2005 10:42 p.m.
Farting...in...public!
This evening at Kroger someone ripped an SBD trouser sneeze in the line at the deli.
Also, there was another "Sesame Street" reference on "The Simpsons" on Sunday!
In addition to all that thrilling news, I'm told that a Tom Arnold look-alike was sighted at Skyline Chili in Huber Heights, OH.
* * * * *
Monday, September 19, 2005 12:59 a.m.
More Ploptoberfest!
I went to Oktoberfest again on Sunday, and not as much happened this time.
It did live up to the need for ploppings, as I noticed someone threw a religious tract in the toilet and peed all over it. (Something similar happened last year.)
Also I saw a Jesse Ventura look-alike down on Fountain Square!
Also, I saw 5 - count 'em, 5 - people who were in such a festive mood that they bubbled.
* * * * *
Sunday, September 18, 2005 12:34 a.m.
New! From the makers of ABC gum! It's ABC beer!
All sorts of neet poo goes on down in the 'Nati.
I just got back from Oktoberfest downtown, and I was reminded of why I go to things like this. Usually, not much happens, but this time, something uproarious happened - and I'm so glad I went just because of this one incident. Even though I had arthritis, hemorrhoids, a toothache, diarrhea, and a cut on my right thumb, I'm still glad I went.
I was standing on the sidewalk on 5th Street opposite Fountain Square, right in front of the entrance to the swanky Westin Hotel. A man who was about 40 years old strolled by, and he was drinking beer out of one of those Christian Moerlein cups they were serving beer in. He walked up to one of those temporary garbage cans (the brown ones), removed a half-full cup of beer from the trash can, and poured it into his own beer cup.
Then - get this - he drank out of his beer cup where he had dumped someone else's old beer that he found in the garbage can!
I could not believe what I was seeing!
This is exactly like when people at Bro$$art chewed used wads of gum they found in the trash, or when that guy at Wendy's ate the hamburger after dropping it on the floor.
After drinking someone else's discarded beer, the guy entered the Westin Hotel.
Other interesting stuff at Oktoberfest...
Someone ripped a silent but deadly bunker blast on Fountain Square.
I saw the same Florence Henderson look-alike who I saw at the Bellevue Vets carnival.
This is why they call it Ploptoberfest: Someone put a beer cup in the toilet bowl in one of those portable restrooms and peed all over a free classified newspaper that was laying there.
Al Lewis and Captain Wanda of the old "Uncle Al" TV show were at Oktoberfest! Mr. Lewis played his accordion for us up on the stage! I'm pretty sure I once mentioned in The Last Word how some kid on the show peed down inside Uncle Al's accordion, and sure enough, Uncle Al mentioned this incident!
Also, I saw 4 people (including a policeman) bubbling.
* * * * *
Saturday, September 17, 2005 01:53 a.m.
Pooing is cool
Indeed it is.
* * * * *
Thursday, September 8, 2005 11:17 p.m.
Jesse...Jesse Helms...Jesse Helms Country Cookin'...
Earlier at a restaurant I saw a Jesse Helms look-alike.
* * * * *
Sunday, September 4, 2005 11:49 p.m.
At long last! A good, solid Rip-off-fest!
I've referred to Riverfest as Rip-off-fest for years because of the growing tyranny that has defined it. It's supposed to be a festival, hence the "fest" part of the name, and festivals are supposed to be events where people do festive things. That's why they're called festivals. Get it?
Little by little, the festiveness has been choked out of the nerve centers of the event. To avoid the creeping Nazism, people who are serious about having a good time gather just outside the officially designated Rip-off-fest zones. We want to be as close as possible to the action without being subjected to all the fascism.
Anyway, we watched the fireworks tonight, from right on the edge of this zone. We're not gonna tell you exactly where, because then local governments will try to ruin it for future Labor Day weekends. But here's some of the amusing things that we saw...
Some guy peed all over the side of an SUV that was parked in a parking lot.
As we watched the fireworks, the airy vapors of a certain contraband herb wafted through the air!
In addition to the sweet marijuana smoke, another scent was also detected. This one was the prefectly legal odor of a silent but deadly bunker blast.
Some woman who was watching the fireworks kept loudly complaining about Bush, which amused us further.
All in all, it was an improvement over the previous few years!
* * * * *
Wednesday, August 31, 2005 02:01 a.m.
It's cool to ruin board games
It's cool to ruin board games.
Have you ever ruined a game while you or someone else was playing?
Once when I was about 5 years old, a certain family member (not me) was showing a certain other family member (not me) how to play chess, and had borrowed several books about chess from the library. So anyway, they got a good, suspenseful game of chess going. The family member who had initiated the game was writing down all the moves on a paper grocery bag, because it was such an exciting game.
But it all came crashing down (literally) when the family member who was learning to play chess wanted to read about a certain type of move in one of the books. As this family member held the thick hardcover book over the board, the book got accidentally dropped onto the board, scattering the pieces everywhere.
The game was spoiled. The words "GAME RUINED" were written down on the paper bag. (It's the magic word again!)
Since all the moves were written down, I don't understand why the game couldn't be perfectly reconstructed up to the point where it was ruined. But anyway, years later, one of the players came up with a new urban legend about that particular game. According to this tale, the game wasn't ruined by a book dropped on the board. Rather, it was spoiled when I dove off of a chair and scattered the board and pieces all over the place. However, that's total fiction. I distinctly remember the book getting dropped on the board by one of the players.
Easy Money was always a fun game to ruin. Losing players liked to pound on the board in anger so the little houses would flip up on their sides and become mortgaged. That was always a barrel of laughs when that happened!
Another funny thing about board games: I always thought it was funny how in Game Of The States how some of the states showed a roll of toilet paper as one of their economic mainstays.
Also, there was some neighborhood kid who invented what he called "nuclear Stratego". It involved dropping an encyclopedia on a Stratego board. Eventually it damaged the board.
* * * * *
Tuesday, August 30, 2005 12:32 a.m.
Violating shelter-in-place orders is fun!
All of Monday, I was in violation of the Allowed Cloud.
The styrene leak from that train over in Cincinnati caused a shelter-in-place order here, but I kept ignoring it. Not my fucking fault some stupid idiot left a train full of styrene parked in an urban area for a full year.
Now I can smell the styrene fumes, since they're getting into my apartment. It smells like the lower floors of the Steely Dan Library did back around 1994. It's a smell sort of like old carbon paper.
* * * * *
Monday, August 29, 2005 01:56 a.m.
Ish #420 is here!
That's right, I said 420. Not 4/20, much to the chagrin of a certain high school headmaster.
Most of this ish is very serious actually, with the usual commentaries and all. Also there's a description of my latest battle with being wrongly billed by AT&T (again). But it does have some fun stuff, like my Orlando travelogue!
Read it and peep:
http://members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw050829
* * * * *
Saturday, August 27, 2005 12:40 a.m.
Oh my gosh!!! This is too funny!!!
Now they're playing "EVERY BASTE HAS ITS THORN"!!!!!!
Oh man! I can't believe it!!! This is JUST TOO FUNNY!!!!!
* * * * *
Saturday, August 27, 2005 12:29 a.m.
"Erection Day"! Hahahaha!!!
And now they're playing "ERECTION DAY"!!! Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!
What's gotten into them over there???
* * * * *
Saturday, August 27, 2005 12:10 a.m.
"End Of The Underpants"!!!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!!
They're playing "END OF THE UNDERPANTS" on the radio!
I haven't heard that song in ages!!!
Hahahahahahaha!!!!!
* * * * *
Sunday, August 21, 2005 01:13 a.m.
No "Gambit", dambit!
You know what fucking pisses me off?
It's when TV producers and networks erase the only known copies of a TV show.
This has happened a lot, especially with soap operas and game shows. Now, I'm not a huge fan of either soap operas or game shows, but each of these genres has its moments that we can ridicule forever - if only the copies of the shows still existed.
Also, the '70s kids' TV show "Zoom" has reportedly had all of its episodes erased. I wasn't a big fan of it either, but it's a shame it's gone, because I know it would be fun to ridicule. Actually the only thing I remember about it is that "ubbi-dubbi" shit they kept doing.
The reason shows get erased is so producers and networks can re-use the tapes or free up space in their warehouses. A flimsy excuse, if you ask me.
Supposedly, all the episodes of the daytime soap "All My Children" from before 1976 are gone for good, except for a few episodes that still survive on black-and-white kinescopes (even though the show has aired in color all along). However, sources vary as to whether this is true or not. According to rumor, the warehouse where the episodes were stored was destroyed by fire.
Very few episodes of the '70s version of the game show "Hollywood Squares" survive today, because in the '70s the show belonged to NBC, and one of the executives at NBC hated game shows with a passion.
And now I discover that no "Gambit" episodes survive either (except for one episode). Read my lips - no "Gambit", dambit! Not like I was a big fan of this game show anyway, because I was only 3 when it was canceled, but still it's such a shame that it's lost forever. I'm pretty sure Wink Martindale is a Republican, but still it makes me mad.
I'm guessing most of the episodes of "The Joker's Wild" still exist, because I was told that they reran them on Game Show Network just a few years ago. I have a gut feeling that most of the episodes of "The Price Is Right" still exist too.
But scientists believe that someday, millions of years from now, the sun will suddenly expand and engulf the Earth, burning everything on the planet. Then all the game shows and soaps that exist now will cease to exist once and for all. Won't it be sad when that happens?
* * * * *
Tuesday, August 16, 2005 03:07 a.m.
Amazon says: "#76,182 in Books"
After peaking up in the 40,000s, my book fell to the 500,000s but is now back up to #76,182.
I guess all those inflammatory reviews can't be hurting sales too much - right, Mr. Keep-Your-Eyes-On-Your-Fries?
Also, the cashier at SuperValu bubbled on Monday - which I'm sure you're amused to learn of.
* * * * *
Sunday, August 14, 2005 01:09 a.m.
Another sort of boring carnival
I went to the carnival yet again on Saturday night. Once again, not much interesting.
A young woman bubbled.
On the way back, I noticed somebody left a big trail of vomit on the sidewalk down on Fairfield Avenue.
Also, I saw an Oil of Olay commersh where some woman blew a bubble with bubble gum that popped all over her face. And I bet she did this just because she thought it would be mentioned in this blog! (Just joking about that.)
* * * * *
Saturday, August 13, 2005 02:51 p.m.
Another asswipe gets exposed
I got another harassing phone call that woke me up yesterday at about 6 AM, but I fell back asleep and forgot about it until today.
Anyway, this one has been traced to an asshole who lives on Kentucky Drive in Fort Wright.
* * * * *
Saturday, August 13, 2005 12:15 a.m.
A slightly less boring carnival
I went to the carnival again on Friday night, and this time it was slightly less boring.
It smelled like someone ripped an eggy fart that covered the entire field. The smell persisted for at least an hour, and was noticeable just about everywhere at the site.
I saw some guy who looked like Ralph Malph on "Happy Days". Also I saw some woman who resembled Florence Henderson from back in the "Brady Bunch" era.
Also I saw 4 people bubbling.
* * * * *
Thursday, August 11, 2005 11:50 p.m.
Carnival stuff
Earlier I arrived home from what I think may have been the wimpiest, deadest, most uneventful Bellevue Vets Carnival ever.
However I did see 3 people who were in a festive enough mood that they bubbled.
* * * * *
Thursday, August 11, 2005 03:10 p.m.
On the road again (clap clap clap clap)...Goin' places that I've never been...
I updated my "On The Road Again" feature to reflect my Orlando trip. Read it and weep laughing:
members.iglou.com/bandit/ontheroad.html
* * * * *
Tuesday, August 9, 2005 11:25 p.m.
#40,996 on Amazon!
I can't believe how high my book is on Amazon!!!
It's #40,996!!!
I know I checked earlier and it was the highest I had ever seen it, but it wasn't that high!
How many millions of books does Amazon sell anyway??? For it to be #40,996 out of several million is damn high!
* * * * *
Sunday, August 7, 2005 12:22 p.m.
Orlando! Atlanta! Jacksonville! It's a great place to fart, I mean start!
Actually, Lost Sea Cave is a great place to fart, because somebody did crack at least 3 SBD bunker blasts inside the cave, but anyway...
I've got some road photos of my Orlando trip posted! These are ones I intended for public viewing, so read it and peep:
www.angelfire.com/yt2/lastword/roadpics/orlando05a.html
www.angelfire.com/yt2/lastword/roadpics/orlando05b.html
* * * * *
Thursday, August 4, 2005 09:16 p.m.
Another TV set to return to the earth from whence it came
After 8 years of almost average service, my TV set began circling the drain a few weeks ago, so today I buyed a brand spanking new TV!!!
But don't worry. On the new piece of shit excuse for a TV, the sound doesn't work at all on half the channels, and on the other channels, the sounds constantly cuts out for no apparent reason. So I think this TV set is going to be returned to the store like the piece of crap it is.
You'd expect better from an RCA, because I had an RCA that lasted 16 years once, but I guess RCA isn't the technological wizards they used to be. RCA is the only brand the store even had, so I think I better try a different store next time.
* * * * *
Sunday, July 31, 2005 08:40 p.m.
I'm home, I'm home, I'm home!
I'm home from my 8-day trip to Orlando to see relatives!
Man, what a fun trip. But not much in the mischief category, I'm afraid.
A few celebrity look-alikes: The guy who lives next door to my relatives in Florida looks just like Sting. On the way home through Atlanta, we almost got in a wreck with some truck driver who looked just like Gilligan on "Gilligan's Island".
The only person I saw bubbling on this trip was when we stopped at Lost Sea Cave in Tennessee on the way home. Some woman bubbled inside the cave.
* * * * *
Thursday, July 28, 2005 12:42 p.m.
Another Florida update for your bemusement
I'm still down here in Florida, much to your amazement.
Something really funny happened on Tuesday: A group of people got mad and stormed out of a restaurant because they thought they deserved to be served before everyone else, and the waitress chased after them.
'Twas kinda neat!
* * * * *
Monday, July 25, 2005 09:52 p.m.
Florida fun
I thought I wouldn't be able to do a blog blogga blog entry all week, but guess what? I'm doing one anyway!
I'm at my relatives' house in Florida right now using my aunt's computer. Does that pib or what?
It sounds like somebody just ripped a fart.
We've got one-fourth of our trip done without any major mishaps, so let's keep it that way. I'm not sure what the highlight of the trip is so far, but nothing really weird has happened yet.
And no, I haven't seen anyone bubbling.
* * * * *
Friday, July 22, 2005 03:15 p.m.
Ish #419 is here!
ANOTHER ISH IS PUB, PEOPLE!!!
The latest issue of The Last Word contains a few important current events articles, like conservative support for higher taxes and the dismissal of their crybaby complaint against CBS. It also features a short travelogue of my St. Louis trip.
Read it and peep:
http://members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw050722
Also, this is probably going to be the last blog entry until July 31. I've got things I gotta do next week, so unless I have to cancel my plans, I'll see ya then!
* * * * *
Monday, July 18, 2005 12:29 a.m.
Another funny dream
I had a great dream in the wee hours of Sunday morn.
This was yet another dream where I was back at Bro$$art.
You know how I borrowed that book from the school library and couldn't return it because I was expelled? Anyway, in the dream, I was back in school, but I noticed the library purchased 2 sparkling new copies of the book, as if to spite me.
So I smuggled both copies out of the library and hid them around the school (in the restroom, I think), just to frustrate their efforts.
'Twas kinda neat!
Also, on Sunday, I received another harassing phone call, this time from some fartpipe over on Madison Pike in Independence.
* * * * *
Monday, July 18, 2005 12:00 a.m.
32 in a bottle of poo
I'm 32, I can do what I want! I'm 32, I can do what I want! I'm 32, I can do what I want! I'm 32, I can do what I want! I'm 32, I can do what I want! I'm 32, I can do what I want! And yooouuuuuuuuuu can't!
* * * * *
Sunday, July 17, 2005 03:01 a.m.
Finally remembered something scary from "Mister Rogers"...I think...
I've been itching my brain trying to think of anything scary from "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood", and I think I finally thought of something, although I'm not too sure about it.
It seems like back in the '70s there was once a weird closing theme on the show. The music would slow down and do what in radio jargon is referred to as a "cool" ending - not a true fade, but sort of a dramatic final note that trailed off. Then the camera panned over to one of the houses in the neighborhood, which had a witch that looked like the Wicked Witch of The Wizard Of Oz standing in the front yard. The witch then let out an evil laugh, much like the beginning of Michael Jackson's song "Off The Wall".
This was when I was maybe 3 or 4. I forgot about it until I was maybe 10 or 11, when I saw a house over in the Ohio suburbs of Cincinnati that looked like the house from "Mister Rogers" that had the witch standing in front of it.
I said something like, "Remember that thing with the witch at the end of 'Mister Rogers'?"
A family member actualy said they remembered it too, so I know I'm not just imagining it.
It's possible that it wasn't "Mister Rogers" but some other show. In fact, it's pretty likely, because I don't know why something like that would be on "Mister Rogers".
* * * * *
Monday, July 11, 2005 02:06 p.m.
Another trashed restroom and more public bubblings
I've just been told that at a rest area in a town somewhere called Hardeesville (I don't know what state), a hilariously filthy public restroom was sighted. The floor was all wet, and there was dirt caked all over the floor. All 3 stalls had trash all over the floors. The restroom had only one roll of toilet paper, which was laying on the floor in all the filth.
Also, today I went to Kroger, and guess what I saw? The same woman who was twice seen bubbling out in front of that storefront back in 2003 bubbled at Kroger. And then, the same cashier who bubbled recently bubbled again.
* * * * *
Wednesday, July 6, 2005 10:02 p.m.
Another unintentionally funny commersh
I just thought of another TV ad that was funny but wasn't meant to be funny, kind of like the one where a person slowly lifts the container full of orange juice up to their mouth and spills it.
Around 1983, there was a commersh where some guy gets really mad because he has a sore throat. The commercial was for an over-the-counter product called N'Ice. I could hardly blame him for getting mad, because I'd be mad too, but the way he reacts is really funny.
It shows the man sitting in the kitchen, playing cards with his wife, when he slams the cards down on the table and lets out this angry groan. He was mad because he had a sore throat.
It was really funny. It wasn't meant to be funny, but it was.
If he had acute pharyngitis, he should have been laying down somewhere and recuperating, like a person normally does when confronted by such an ailment. But instead he played cards in the kitchen like an idiot.
(Even back then, people got mighty sick with upper respiratory infections. Not nearly as much as they do now, but it was known to happen.)
Around 1987 there was a famous radio ad for Hall's (that always aired during "American Top 40") in which a man complains about having a cold, causing "the stuffy nose, the sore throat, and the cough!" He then coughs loudly to illustrate his point. Then he yells that he's going in to work anyway.
Why?
Who the fuck in their right mind would go to work when they have such an unpleasant and contagious ailment? Spread the misery around, why don't ya?
And why did the makers of Hall's actually seem to encourage this in their commercial? Ponder, ponder.
This was part of the "Hall's of Medicine" ad campaign. It seems like around early '88 they had another widely ridiculed radio ad in which some guy said, "I went to the Hall's of Medicine and now I'm feeling mighty fine, yep!" Remember that goofy commersh?
People made fun of those commercials so much it was amazing.
* * * * *
Sunday, July 3, 2005 11:30 p.m.
Pat Benatar is cool
Earlier tonight I saw Pat Benatar give a free concert down on Bicentennial Commons. Man, that was a great concert! It's a shame they don't play her on the radio much anymore.
Wasn't it nice of Pat to give us all a FREE concert?
During the concert some guy got really drunk and jumped off a ledge into the bushes, which basically ruined the bushes by tearing a gaping hole in them.
After that I went up to the Purple People Bridge and watched the Fourth of July fireworks.
As for celebrity look-alikes, I was told that a Martha Quinn look-alike was sighted at the concert, but I didn't see her.
Also, during the concert, I saw some woman who was about 30 years old blow a big pink bubble with bubble gum that burst and stuck to her nose. She spent the next minute or so pulling strands of gum off her skin. I think this is the first time since about 1994 I've seen anyone do that in public, because they no longer show those commercials with the Gum Fighter that encouraged everyone to do this.
* * * * *
Sunday, July 3, 2005 04:56 p.m.
The 418th patriotic ish of The Last Word!
New ish time!
This ish is only 4 pages, but hey, an ish is an ish is an ish, isn't it?
You can find it at:
http://members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw050703
* * * * *
Friday, July 1, 2005 11:07 p.m.
St. Louis! Buffalo! Toledo! It's a great place to start!
I've posted a few pics from this week's trip to St. Louis. Nothing major, just 10 pics from the Arch:
http://www.angelfire.com/yt2/lastword/roadpics/stlouis05.html
Also, I didn't have time to post my pics from last year's Toronto trip until now. There's only 4 pics, all from Buffalo or Toledo:
http://www.angelfire.com/yt2/lastword/roadpics/buffalotoledo04.html
* * * * *
Thursday, June 30, 2005 07:44 p.m.
Just got home from St. Louis!
I've been on a trip to St. Louis for the past 3 days, and it was about 115° F there. (I have to specify Fahrenheit, since this blog has readers around the world.)
This turned out to be a pretty good trip. I got to see the Reds play the Cardinals twice, and the Reds played hilariously bad, especially at the game last night. Man, they're a disaster!
Now here's the info I'm sure you've been waiting on the edge of your seat for: I saw 10 - count 'em, 10 - people bubbling on this trip. I saw one when we went to the airport to catch the train to the stadium; 3 on the train; 5 at the stadium (including one policeman, and one bubbler who bubbled during the national anthem); and one at the Subway restaurant in Terre Haute, IN, on the way home. Most of these bubblers didn't make a big point of their bubbling capabilities though.
I've updated my On The Road Again list with the newest entry:
http://members.iglou.com/bandit/ontheroad.html
* * * * *
Monday, June 27, 2005 12:47 a.m.
A disappointing TV memory
Since nothing new has been happening here lately, it's time for another hilarious TV memory!
This one was a big letdown, because I thought something was going to get RUINED. Even the blurb in the TV listings in the paper used the magic word - but alas, it was not to be!
This happened around 1992 or so. Now, in 1992, I was way too old for "Sesame Street". I turned 19 in 1992, so I was a little bit too advanced for Big Bird, Bert, Ernie, The Count, Oscar, and Elmo. But I noticed that in the TV listings that for an upcoming episode of "Sesame Street", the caption read, "Barkley ruins Gina's laundry."
I couldn't wait to watch that episode! Something getting RUINED on "Sesame Street"! The very thought was almost too uproarious to be true!
And true it wasn't.
I turned on the TV, preparing to watch the big orange Muppet dog shit all over Gina's freshly washed Izods. But all Barkley did was scatter Gina's laundry about the laundromat. He didn't actually ruin it. It would be easy enough to just wash it all again, if it got dirty or something from being dragged across the floor where people walk with their muddy shoes.
The laundry got disorganized but, dammit, it didn't get ru!
Oh well. Life ain't perfect.
* * * * *
Saturday, June 25, 2005 12:45 a.m.
Computers in the 1880s
Another great TV moment I just remembered: the episode of "Little House On The Prairie" where they got a computer.
Am I just imagining this, or did this really happen? I never watched "Little House On The Prairie" regularly, so my memory is a little fuzzy. I think I watched one episode because their house burned down or something, but usually I never watched it.
Wasn't this show supposed to be set in the 1880s or something? Anyway, I know I saw a preview for the computer episode, but I didn't watch the episode itself. The girl on the show lugged this huge cardboard box into her log cabin (or whatever they had), opened it up, and said, "Look! It's a computer!" And sure enough, it was a home computer like an Atari 800 or something, complete with a monitor.
The computer was supposed to be a gift from her family or something. Then she said to the dog, "Thanks, Baxter!" (or whatever the dog's name was).
On that show they didn't even have electricity, record players, or running water, and people had to go outside to poop, and yet they had a home computer? In the 1880s???
I could be wrong about all this, and probably am. That they'd have a computer on "Little House On The Prairie" is so farfetched that this was probably just a network promo, and not an ad for an actual episode. (I bet you're disappointed now.) Someone told me that "The Waltons" did something like this once too.
Come to think of it, it seems like someone pissed their pants on "The Waltons" once, but actually this wasn't "The Waltons". It was some play that was televised on PBS in the early '80s that took place around the same time "The Waltons" did. (Maybe someone did pee their pants on "The Waltons" once, but I didn't watch it enough to know.)
* * * * *
Friday, June 24, 2005 11:46 p.m.
Yet another TV show where something got ruined
On this blog, I like to list old TV shows where things got RUINED - because that's such a cool word! Well, I thought of another one. This time it was on "Home Improvement".
I only vaguely remember this scene, because I never watched "Home Improvement" regularly. And this is a spoiler warning, so you may want to skip this entry. Anyway, I think what happened in this episode was this: Tim Allen's character and all his kids on the show chip in to buy a very expensive, very rare model car. He lectures the kids not to play with the car, because it's a collectors' item, and they might break it.
So guess what happens?
Yes, that's right! The bratty kids go ahead and play with the model car anyway! And guess what? They break it!
And of course they use bubble gum (the magic substance!) to put it back together.
So a rare model car got ru! Isn't that funny?
* * * * *
Friday, June 24, 2005 06:48 p.m.
A hilarious post about radio stations getting ruined
I cracked up laughing when I saw this!
Radio-info.com (where I once got my account pulled for daring to disagree with someone) has this hilarious thread about a string of radio stations in the South that someone purchased and basically destroyed.
I burst out laughing when I saw this post, because it uses some form of the word "ruin" 3 times:
http://www.radio-info.com/mods/board?Post=466751&Board=mississippi
Hear that, everyone? RUIN!!!
That is one of the funniest Internet postings I have seen in ages!
* * * * *
Monday, June 20, 2005 01:16 a.m.
Now that I think about it...
Now that I think about it, I don't think it was a jigsaw puzzle that was on "Sesame Street". I think it was a puzzle with 4 rectangular pieces. I don't think it's a jigsaw puzzle unless the pieces are oddly shaped.
* * * * *
Monday, June 20, 2005 12:59 a.m.
Eek! It's "Sesame Street"! Run for your life!
Why did they put so much scary stuff in children's TV shows?
I don't know if they still do, but in the '70s they did.
When I was a small child, I always watched "Sesame Street", followed by "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood" and then "The Electric Company" on Channel 48 (or maybe Channel 54, once it came along). Of those 3 shows, "Mister Rogers" is the only one where I don't remember anything scary. Of the other 2, I think "The Electric Company" was scarier, although "Sesame Street" did have its scary moments.
"The Electric Company" always had stuff flying around the screen and had that goofy "wokka wokka" music bed (like in a '70s porno) they used for everything. And then they always had that thing where they'd say, "Tune in next time when Fargo North, Decoder says WAAAWWWWW!!!" where they played that weird noise that sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher. The opening and closing themes were scary too.
I remember a lot more of "Sesame Street" though. Everyone says I'm making this up, but I swear there was this one Bert and Ernie skit in the mid-'70s where Bert grew teeth and his face appeared in the upper left corner while this weird banjo music played. Anyone else remember this, or am I just imagining things? That sounds like something that would exist only in my imagination, so I'm not certain if it actually appeared.
Another scary segment on "Sesame Street" (which I know I'm not just imagining) was this one cartoon skit where a baby climbs up to the top of a ladder, and then a thought balloon appears that shows the baby broken into several pieces (like a broken doll). I forgot about this segment for years, until just a few years ago I saw it somewhere, like in an old rerun on Noggin or something.
What was this doing on "Sesame Street" anyway? The cartoon was obviously something that would scare small children, so why was it on a children's show? I was about 28 when I saw it a few years ago, and I almost ran out of the room.
The segment with the banjo music and the sped-up film of the guy running around on a farm or something was kind of scary, but not that scary. Same goes for the cartoon with the ants carrying the letter "Q" up the hill.
Another mildly scary segment is the one where Maria said, "What is the meaning of this?" I don't know why it was scary. Another somewhat scary one is the one with all the non-Muppet characters (like Mr. Hooper and the others) standing on the beach singing about water, and then jumping in the ocean at the end.
The segment they kept showing with the jigsaw puzzle of a photo of some kid's face putting itself together was kind of scary, but not too scary.
Now here is the all-time scariest segment on "Sesame Street": "D" for "dart"! Anyone remember that?
It was a cartoon of a guy talking about all these things that begin with the letter "D". Finally, at the end of the skit, a dart hits him, and his innards splatter everywhere. Seriously. For years I kept thinking he ran into a drinking fountain, causing his guts to splatter, but a few years ago someone told me it was a dart. I know I'm not imagining this segment, since someone else remembered it.
Having not been a regular viewer of "Sesame Street" since 1979, I don't know why I remember so much about it.
They need to make "Sesame Street" scary again. That'll make America strong!
* * * * *
Thursday, June 16, 2005 03:36 p.m.
What a boring week
Man, what a boring week!
It does seem like someone bubbled. Oh well.
* * * * *
Thursday, June 9, 2005 07:08 p.m.
Have no fear, a new ish is here!
Would you believe that The Last Word has a new ish out?
I went 2 months without working on it, then managed to puff out a big 12-pager within only a few days. I think this is the best ish I've had in ages. Somehow the text sounds like something I'd put out in 1998, back when the "boom wokka wokka" stuff was going on. Man, I really came out swinging against the assholes this time!
The newest ish is here:
http://members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw050609
Also, earlier some woman driving a hulking SUV down the street picked her nose.
* * * * *
Thursday, June 9, 2005 03:31 a.m.
#84 for the week!
I just noticed that for the latest weekly ranking put out by my publisher, my book is up at #84 for the week, out of thousands of books Lulu publishes.
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Sunday, June 5, 2005 04:31 p.m.
Got my toast and pee and I'm warming...
Today I thought of something REALLY FUNNY I haven't thought about in years!
Remember some song around 1994 that said, "Got my toast and tea and I'm warming..."? I remember how whenever that song came on the radio, people would sing, "Got my toast and pee and I'm warming..."
I can't even remember who made that song or what it was called, but anyway, I started cracking up laughing when I thought of that!
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Tuesday, May 31, 2005 03:59 p.m.
James Watt would like this
Earlier on the way home from Kroger, I cut through the lot at Bellevue Vets and found a smashed Beach Boys cassette laying on the ground.
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Sunday, May 29, 2005 11:55 p.m.
My next book
I'm trying to think of ideas for another book.
I have a couple of good ideas, but I'm not ready to start on it yet.
Also, a new ish may be out soon.
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Saturday, May 21, 2005 12:56 p.m.
Don't pay the celebrity look-alike...don't even fix a price...
Anyone remember the singer Chris DeBurgh, who did that song "Don't Pay The Ferryman" that Q-102 used to play about once every 10 seconds? He was a really popular singer back in my day.
Anyway, I went to Kroger earlier, and some guy who looked just like Chris DeBurgh was standing out in front of the store!
Also, when I was inside Kroger, a young woman kept blowing bubbles with a big pink wad of BG. Yet another Kroger bubbling!
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Tuesday, May 17, 2005 11:50 p.m.
Dammit! Another fucking phone abusing idiot!
I got another threatening phone call this afternoon, and this time I traced it to some Internet hosting service in Louisiana.
It's bad enough when individuals do this shit, but in the past year or two, I've had video stores, eye surgeon offices, private investigators, and nursing homes all doing this very thing, and the weird thing is, I've never had any connection to any of the businesses who pulled this shit.
Amazing. Fucking amazing.
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Tuesday, May 17, 2005 03:48 p.m.
Also...
In case you haven't noticed, I've archived the previous entries here. You can click at left to find them, or click here:
bandit73.pitas.com/archive1.html
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Tuesday, May 17, 2005 03:36 p.m.
Barnes & Noble carries my book! Yay!
Guess what?
Barnes & Noble has my book now! Isn't that thrilling news?
If you're a Barnes & Noble member and you order my book from their website, it actually costs less than it does at Amazon (but more than if you order it from Lulu).
So here's the latest link list for my book The Fight That Never Ends:
www.lulu.com/content/112781 (recommended)
search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?isbn=1411626559&itm=1
www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1411626559
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