Thursday, May 12, 2005 09:53 p.m.

Some hilarious celebrity look-alikes!

Man, this is a riot!

Remember that Sheriff John Bunnell who used to be on the really old Portland episodes of "Cops" and then later did that "World's Funniest Police Videos" or whatever? (Actually he got defeated in the election for another term as sheriff back in 1995.) Anyway, earlier at Kroger, I saw some guy who looked like Sheriff John Bunnell.

Later, at Fuckhead Mountain Grill, I saw some guy eating in there who looked JUST LIKE George from "Seinfeld"! I mean, he looked EXACTLY like him!

Man, it was FUNNY!!!

Thursday, May 12, 2005 01:00 p.m.

Woo-hoo! I'm #285,950!

Yes!

My book's finally entered the Amazon rankings at #285,950!

That one book I borrowed from Brossart's library and couldn't return because I was expelled is only #1,576,032, so I know I'm doing pretty good.

Monday, May 9, 2005 08:32 p.m.

Yet another public bubbling

Earlier I went to the park, and a young woman bubbled.

Thursday, May 5, 2005 09:14 p.m.

Another music recording reclaimed by nature

Earlier at the park I found a smashed Reba McEntire cassette laying in the grass.

Thursday, May 5, 2005 01:48 p.m.

Guess what I saw at Kroger today?

Just guess.

A cashier bubbled!

Sunday, May 1, 2005 11:31 p.m.

When farts stank, and people laughed...

Tonight I was at another family gathering at my mom's house.

Guess what happened there?

That's right!

I thrice detected the funky aroma of a silent but deadly bunker blast - each one even funnier than the one before it, if you can believe that!

The names of possible culprits were bandied about, but nobody was convicted of any of these instances of flatulence.

'Twas mighty cool!

Thursday, April 28, 2005 08:28 p.m.

Bip

Bippety.

Boppety.

Boo.

Friday, April 22, 2005 01:46 a.m.

Fortunately...

I just thought of another funny story about a book I had when I was young.

There was this children's book called Fortunately that was published in the '60s, but it was in the early '80s when I had this book. I did some research on it, and the title was changed to What Good Luck... for a while, because "fortunately" was supposedly too big of a word, but later it was changed back to Fortunately.

Anyway, this would have been an excellent book if I was maybe 5 or 6 when I had it. But nooooo! I WAS 9 FUCKING YEARS OLD!!! NINE!!!!!!!!!! I know I was 9, because there was this drawing of some woman in it who looked sort of like this really mean teacher I had in 4th grade.

Well anyhoo, my mom brung me a tattered old copy of this book one day from a yard sale. BUT I WAS TOO DAMN OLD FOR IT!!! Yeah, I know I didn't read at a 9-year-old level, but still I was too old for this book.

The book was mostly festive illustrations, with one sentence on each page. It started out something like, "Fortunately, Freddy was invited to a party." Then the next page was something like, "Unfortunately, the party was 6,000 miles away." It went on like this for 15 pages or so. The cover showed the boy in the story falling from the sky in a parachute.

After reading the book once and deciding it was way too easy, I set it aside on the floor in my room. Since the book was old and tattered, the cover fell off, so it sat there with the pages falling out of the cover.

Anyway, my mom walked into the room and found the book laying there with the cover off of it. She was MAD!!!!!

"What happened to this book?!" she exclaimed. "Look! It's ruined!"

I bit my lip to avoid bursting into laughter.

Ol' Mom continued, "I'm never buying you another book again!"

Now, the thing about this is, I didn't intentionally ruin the book. It was already pretty much ruined when I acquired it. Besides that, the cover could have been easily reattached with transparent adhesive tape. I admit that I didn't take special care of the book either.

Like I said, this was probably an ideal book if you're 5 or 6. But not if you're 9. So I came up with a parody of the book:

"Fortunately, my mom got me a book today.

"Unfortunately, it was Fortunately."

And another parody:

"Unfortunately, a book got ruined today.

"Fortunately, it was Fortunately."

I actually feel guilty making fun of this book. The author is probably going to come to my home and punch me in the face or something for ridiculing the book. Oh well. I'm just gonna have to live with it.

Thursday, April 21, 2005 11:35 p.m.

Books are cool

Books pib.

Although it takes about a year for me to read a 250-page book, pib they do.

But sometimes books get ruined. Or lost.

One of my fave hobbies is to go to Amazon's site and look up old books I remember, many of which are ones I read when I was very young. I don't remember the name of the Dr. Seuss book I borrowed from the library when I was about 4 years old and bit off part of the front cover though.

I'm actually surprised Amazon even has some of these books. There was one very obscure book I had as a child that was published in 1972, and I was shocked to find that Amazon has several used copies of it for sale.

The only time I ever accidentally lost a library book was once when I was about 5 years old I borrowed a children's book about road building from the old libe trailer that had those weird tables with the orange surface. I think the trailer was at Highland & Grand in Fort Thomas, but anyway, I lost the book and never could find it. This was in '78 or so.

Around the same time, I intentionally damaged a library book I borrowed by crumpling several of the pages. I don't know what possessed me to do it. My mom saw it and got mad.

Also, there was this one children's book I borrowed from the libe when I was maybe 6 or 7 that I remember because it was a humorous story about a boy whose dog ate his map collection. I also remember it because it used the word "knead", which I've hardly ever seen anywhere else. I don't remember the name of the book though.

Once when I was about 20, I went to the libe in Covington, and the guy there was giving a tour to some kids who were maybe junior high school age. He got to the reference section of the libe and said to the kids something like, "This is where we keep the reference books. We do not permit patrons to borrow reference books, because many of the books are part of sets containing several volumes, and if one volume is lost, the whole set is ruined."

Hear that everyone? He said RUINED!!! The magic word!

Also, the funny thing about the Dr. Seuss book whose cover got partially bitten off was that I had forgotten about this deed until about 20 years later when I worked at the Campbell County Public Library, and this was one of the books we had to sort out for the libe's "great purge" of ruined books.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 11:53 p.m.

One book, 2 flamewars...

Sales for my book have picked up slightly, and now there's MASSIVE flamewars about my book going on in 2 different forums.

Strange how Tim Brown's name gets mentioned and people go apeshit.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 10:17 p.m.

Tomorrow is another important anniversary

Tomorrow is the 15th anniversary of when I got expelled from Brossart. Damn, I hated that school!

Also, I see a right-wing Pope got picked, so that's probably the beginning of the end for the Catholic Church. Seriously. I could discuss this in more detail, but I'm tired and busy right now.

Instead of those smoke signals, they should use flatulence to announce whether they've selected a new Pope.

If it's silent but violent, no new Pope.

But if it's loud and proud, it's a new Pope!

Friday, April 15, 2005 01:46 p.m.

What the fuck is a "vanilla Bee Gees cake"?

They keep running this ad on the radio (you know, that big box that nobody listens to anymore) for TGIFriday's where some guy orders something that sounds like a "vanilla Bee Gees cake".

What the hell is that supposed to be anyway?

What's next? A "vanilla Men At Work cake"? A "vanilla Quiet Riot cake"? Or even a "vanilla Vanilla Ice cake"?

Monday, April 11, 2005 09:55 p.m.

The earache is back...Circus Vargas, Circus Vargas...

I thought of another one of my sayings that should have been in my old New Language feature in The Last Word: "Circus Vargas, Circus Vargas."

This comes from an ad on the radio around 1990 that said, "The big one is back...Circus Vargas, Circus Vargas..." Anytime you say that something "is back" after being absent, it can be followed up with "Circus Vargas, Circus Vargas" in a singsong voice.

Anyway, now that recurring earache in my outer ear I've had since November has returned once again.

Monday, April 11, 2005 08:14 p.m.

A funny site with a picture of Phyllis Schlafly's head floating in midair

You've got to see this!

In the past week or two I've been contributing to a new blog someone has around here called the Conservative Fool Of The Day. I gave them some ideas for Ann Coulter's entry and showed them where to find the picture of Bush bubbling.

I think the funniest thing so far is the newest entry that features this hilarious picture of Phyllis Schlafly's head that looks like it's floating in midair.

Since no search engines seem to want to pick up this site, you'll have to go there by clicking here:

conservafools.blog-city.com

Monday, April 11, 2005 01:12 p.m.

Yet another idiot gets exposed

I got woken up this morning by yet another threatening phone call. This one got traced to someone on Race Road near Cincinnati (actually Dent, I think).

Friday, April 8, 2005 07:13 p.m.

My book is now on Amazon!

See, I told you Amazon would pick it up within a few weeks.

Alright, so my book The Fight That Never Ends is now available from these sites:

www.lulu.com/content/112781 (recommended)

www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1411626559

Wednesday, April 6, 2005 03:44 a.m.

A sample of my book!

I've been able to post some brief samples (a preview) of my book:

www.lulu.com/items/112000/112781/1/preview/The_Fight_That_Never_Ends_preview.rtf

Wednesday, April 6, 2005 01:27 a.m.

"Sesame Street" and "Blue Money"

I thought I was the only person in the world who thought the song "Blue Money" by Van Morrison sounds EXACTLY LIKE the theme song from "Sesame Street", but now I know it's not just a figment of my imagination.

The funny thing is that I never heard "Blue Money" anywhere until The Point played it in the mid-'90s, and when I heard it, I cracked up laughing because it sounded so much like "Sesame Street". (I think I may have found a copy of this song since then.)

Anyway, I did a search on Google to see if anyone else noticed the similarities, and I actually found a newsgroup where someone mentions it:

www.talkaboutcollegefootball.com/group/rec.sport.football.college/messages/1090851.html

This is hilarious!

Monday, April 4, 2005 09:23 p.m.

It's the Cincinnati Reds playin' basteball again...

I know I used that as a header one other time, but anyway...

Today was Opening Day, so I went down to Cincinnati to see the parade.

The smell of Gatewood Galbraith's favorite herb wafted through the air down by Fountain Square.

Also, I saw 3 different people bubbling.

Saturday, April 2, 2005 02:57 p.m.

Another asshole exposed

The sun, the planets, and the stars will someday burn out, but the harassing phone calls will surely continue.

I was woken up at about 3:30 AM today because of some ASSHOLE making harassing phone calls again.

Well, I got their number and traced it to some asshats on Mount Vernon Drive in Fort Wright.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005 10:04 p.m.

I Roads Scholared today

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood, so I took the ol' bikey out Roads Scholarin' in Newport for just a bit (even though I haven't had the front brake fixed after some Nazi vandalized it).

But dammit, nobody bubbled!

I verified that the last known yellow stop sign in the area is still standing, and I saw the progress on East 10th where it goes over the CSX tracks. I noticed they cut off Park Avenue north of 10th so it curves back around into an alley, but at least they kept the sidewalk there.

Friday, March 25, 2005 11:41 p.m.

An ish is pub (pub, pub)...

Yes, a doggone ish is pub!

I've been bogged down so much by the book that it took a few weeks to get a new ish of The Last Word out. But pub it is, and it's ish #416:

members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw050325

Read it and peep!

Thursday, March 24, 2005 11:18 p.m.

Bubbling season is here!

The birds are chirping, the sky is getting bluer, and the sun is shining brighter. It must be bubbling season again!

That's right, folks! Public bubblings are always mentioned on this blog, as all regular readers know.

Today at Pasquale's, a young woman blew a bubble with bubble gum.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 01:03 a.m.

My proof copy of my book is here!

Well, I finally received my proof of my book on Monday!

I see a lot of things in my book I could have changed if I had the chance, but oh well. As the song says: Now it's too late...

For those who've waited to order it, you can still order it from my publisher at:

www.lulu.com/content/112781

Or you can wait a few weeks until my book is carried by your favorite (or least favorite) bookseller!

Sunday, March 20, 2005 12:03 a.m.

"Bother" is a funny word

"Bother" is a funny word.

In the game of chess, there's something I always called a "bother", which is when one of your pieces crosses the crease in the middle of the game board where the board folds up. For years I've called it that. It's a "bother" against the other player - even though there's really no rule in chess that says any part of the game board is a player's exclusive territory.

Also that song "I Will Survive" had the word "bother" in it, and I thought it was hilarious that there was a song that used this word.

Monday, March 14, 2005 02:09 a.m.

50 thou a year will buy a lot of beer...

I don't know what made me think of this just now, but there was this song Clu 132 used to play a lot called "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades", and back in high school everyone called it "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Baste". And there was this one line in the song that said, "50 thou a year will buy a lot of beer," and everyone kept going around singing, "50 thou a year will buy a lot of baste."

I don't know why I thought of that just now, but I started laughing my ass off when I thought of it.

Monday, March 14, 2005 12:09 a.m.

Earaches are fun

Since Friday night now I've had the worst earache ever. Does that bip or what?

Also, I think I forgot to mention that the title of my new book is The Fight That Never Ends. Someone now tells me that there was a movie in the 1940s with this title, but I looked it up, and it's actually The Fight Never Ends.

Also, a person bubbled in a commercial.

Saturday, March 12, 2005 05:23 p.m.

Have no fear, the book is here!

Guess what, folks? THE BOOK IS PUBLISHED!!! So I'm now a plublished (sic) author. ("Plublished" is another inside joke.)

I've ordered my proof copy, which will take a few days to arrive. Then in a few weeks it will be available from bookstores and online booksellers. But in the meantime, my book is available straight from the publisher, Lulu.com.

If you don't want to wait a few days, you can buy my book now at this link:

www.lulu.com/content/112781

Saturday, March 12, 2005 12:58 a.m.

Book done

The book has been sent to my publisher. It's 351 pages. It exists.

Later I plan on ordering my proof copy, after which the book will be available to the public!

Does that pib or what?

Sunday, March 6, 2005 01:44 a.m.

It's a book after all!

(That's an inside joke, folks.)

Well, it looks like I'm allowed (ooh, an Allowed Cloud) to borrow the local credit card, so there's gonna be a book after all.

Yeah, I'm in the last round of proofreading right now. Just wait a few days for me to send it to my publisher.

Saturday, March 5, 2005 03:35 a.m.

Credit cards: a big rip-off

Credit cards are a big rip-off.

And who the fuck even qualifies for one?

Usually you can't get a credit card unless you make at least $15,000 a year, which is a hell of a lot more than what most people I know make. Seriously. The place is Bellevue, KY, not Beverly Hills.

According to the version of Street Atlas USA that I have, the average annual income in Bellevue, KY, is only (get this) $11,569, so you ain't gonna find too many people with wallets bulging out with credit cards.

And it just so happens that the publisher of my book just now stopped accepting PayPal, so now I have to borrow a credit card from someone who actually has one.

Yeah, I know all the paper money says "LEGAL TENDER FOR ALL DEBTS" on it, but that doesn't mean you can actually BUY anything with it.

But of course everyone knows that every person in the entire U.S.A. makes at least $200,000 a year and lives in a mansion in a gated subdivision in a posh Idaho exurb. After all, Brit Hume says so, and we all know he's never wrong (snicker).

No credit card means no book, so I'm hoping against all hope I can borrow the credit card.

Thursday, February 24, 2005 03:52 p.m.

Done with my proofreading and extra touches on the book!

Alright, I'm done with my writing portion of the book. The reason it took so much longer than I thought was that I added a whole extra chapter in the middle.

So, it looks like it's gonna be 22 chapters, or 344 pages.

Now I've sent a copy to my proofreader, and maybe in the next 2 weeks or so my publisher will have it.

Sunday, February 20, 2005 01:20 p.m.

Scandal is cool

Remember Scandal?

You know, Patty Smyth and her band. They had all those songs like "Goodbye To You" and "The Warrior".

I saw them in concert last night at Bogart's.

They're SPECTACULAR!!! Man, they rule!

Monday, February 14, 2005 12:09 a.m.

Finally! My list of road trips updated! Now with mischief ratings!

Finally!

I hadn't had any time to do any real updates on this since 2002. But now I've finally added my trips to Pittsburgh, Louisville, and Toronto, and I've revamped the whole site to adapt to the modern era.

My road trip site now has mischief ratings for your amusement.

Point your bunker at:

members.iglou.com/bandit/ontheroad.html

Thursday, February 10, 2005 09:44 p.m.

A person who ruins stuff

It's a barrel of laughs when people ruin stuff.

We found a blog blogga blog by someone who ruins stuff. It's hilarious! They use the magic word about a zillion times.

Click here to read their blog entry on ruining stuff:

www.iwilldare.com/archives/001863.php

Thursday, February 10, 2005 12:46 a.m.

A weird dream about bowling alleys

Last night I had a weird dream that I was on a high school trip to the bowling alley. For some reason, the electronic display above the lanes kept saying something like "PINSETTER RUINED". It was something ruined. I'm not certain if it was the pinsetter though. Also, I had to use a green pepper as a bowling ball.

Monday, February 7, 2005 01:05 a.m.

Book done except for proofreading

OK, it's 21 chapters. And 338 pages.

Yes, it's basically finished except for the proofreading. I'm gonna send it to my proofreader when I get done with some extra final touches.

Also, earlier I saw a Bubblicious commercial where some basketball player bubbled.

Sunday, February 6, 2005 01:23 p.m.

Another Mardi Gras that sucked

Last night I went to the Mardi Gras "festivities" in Covington. I think the last one I went to was 3 years ago, and it was so boring and lifeless that I didn't go again until this year.

Well, it hasn't gotten any better. That's for certain. It was about as exciting as watching shit dry.

Actually the fire-eating guy was interesting. That was probably the only interesting thing I saw.

Well, I think I did see a pissed-on toilet seat at Mardi Gras.

And - since I know you're gonna ask - I did see 3 different people bubbling. Wow, people must have really been in a festive mood!

Thursday, February 3, 2005 12:37 a.m.

Surprise, surprise! An ish!

I bet you thunk I'd get my book done before I'd get the next ish of The Last Word out, but anyway, I've got the first ish of 2005 out:

http://members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw050203

Friday, January 28, 2005 01:36 p.m.

Private eyes...are watchin' me...

Time to humiliate a few more idiots who have been making harassing phone calls here. I've gotten 3 more harassing phone calls in the past month, and I'm gonna let them know they can run but they can't hide.

Alright, the first of these 3 was traced to someone on Rogers Lane in Burlington.

The next was traced to a private investigator firm in Covington. You'd think a PI would be smart enough to hide its trail, but I guess not. It's kind of like all these countries hire spies but they don't do anything except catch other countries' spies.

Last but not least, the next harassing call (which woke me up in the middle of the night) was from some dipshit on Lakeview Drive in Wilder.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005 08:43 p.m.

Toilets are neat

Anyone else remember a Pat Benatar video that showed a toilet?

Thursday, January 20, 2005 02:27 p.m.

Someone kept farting at the inaugural luncheon!

Man, this is hilarious!

Someday this is gonna be a poopyism!

I had the TV on earlier to see Dumbya stage his elaborate coronation ceremony, and at the end of the inaugural luncheon, you're not gonna believe what happened! I don't know if anyone else even noticed, but here it comes (ahem)...

They had Trent "Sheets" Lott talking at a podium, and he was introducing this nice painting someone made, and someone farted really loud! I swear I am not making this up!

Then Lott displayed these fancy crystal things, and Bush and his crew gathered around them to admire them. Through it all, someone kept ripping loud bunker blasts! They did it again and again!

When Sheets returned to the podium, the farting continued!

By this time, I was doubled over on the floor in my apartment laughing!

This is kind of like a combination of the time Reagan's nose ran at his second inauguration and when someone farted at the mayor of Chicago's funeral!

Saturday, January 15, 2005 03:30 a.m.

Writing a book is harder than I thought

It's January 15, and I thought I'd be done with my book by now, and in fact I am damn close. If I worked on my book nonstop for the next 5 hours, it would be done. That's a fact.

I can't bear to do that though. So you're just gonna have to wait.

Friday, January 14, 2005 12:48 a.m.

Pooing is cool

Indeed it is.

Saturday, January 8, 2005 02:54 p.m.

The neighbors said something funny

I don't like to gossip, but sometimes I just can't resist.

I just overheard the neighbors saying something really funny to their kids. They told them, "I just spent $100 on that thing and you go and ruin it."

Hear that everyone? RUIN!!!!! It's the magic word!

"Ruin" is such a great word!

Thursday, January 6, 2005 02:28 p.m.

Who'd have ever thought...

Earlier I read in a book that there's now an average of 13 cases of the plague each year in the United States. (It didn't say how many were fatal.)

Seriously, I thought the plague had been eradicated years ago. I guess it's like of those things like smallpox that was supposedly eradicated but now people have to worry about again.

I remember around 25 years ago, when I was probably about 6, I saw this old medical book from about 1912. It had a big section on smallpox, and somebody said, "Don't worry, you can't get smallpox anymore." Notice how once Bush seized power it was a different story. And everyone acts like it's not a big deal.

Amazing. Simply amazing.

Also, the reason I mentioned the plague that one time was that "plague" was one of those weird words Speak & Spell had. Sort of like "postpone". When I had this classic toy, I didn't know what "postpone" meant, so I assumed it had something to do with a bedpost.

Oh well. Back to working on the bookity-book.

Wednesday, January 5, 2005 10:34 p.m.

Book cover completed!

I have the front and back covers as well as the title ready for my book now. Yes, it's gonna be green.

Tuesday, January 4, 2005 08:41 p.m.

Yeah, I know...

Still working on the book.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004 12:44 a.m.

Something else that got ruined on "Seinfeld"

I've just been informed that something else got r00ined on "Seinfeld". This is an episode from the first season I don't ever remember seeing.

In this episode, Jerry complains to a dry cleaner that they shrunk his shirt, and the shirt is shown post-ruination. Then, there is a clip of him doing his stand-up routine, and he talks about dry cleaners and uses the magic word ("ruin") a couple of times.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004 12:59 a.m.

Still workin' on the bookity-book!

Still workin', folks!

I still would guess that I'll be done with the actual writing around January 5, maybe January 10 or 15, if I really get bogged down.

Then, I'll have my proofreader go over it for a week or two. Then I upload the manuscript to my publisher, which will take a few minutes.

Then I order my proof copy, which will take maybe a week. Then - assuming that goes right - my book will be available for sale. It's going to be sold in bookstores and at online retailers like Amazon.

So you may be able to buy a copy about a month from now.

Remember that I did have to take a few weeks off in November, so that sort of gummed up the works.

Saturday, December 25, 2004 11:35 p.m.

Flatulence: the Christmas tradition continues

Another Christmas is over, and I went to another family gathering.

About a half-hour before we went home, I was really starting to get worried. I was afraid we might go through an entire Christmas without detecting a bunker blast.

But in those final few minutes, my wishes were answered.

A funky scent wafted through the living room. The bouquet was unmistakable: Somebody had let off a trouser sneeze!

That's right, people. Someone let the frippins out! Why, I bet there's frippins skedaddling all over the streets of Campbell County right about now!

And it was a strong one too. It was stronger than the ones last year, though it lingered no more than 20 seconds or so. All in all, this was not as spectacular of a flatulence event as last Christmas was. But it was noteworthy nonetheless!

Monday, Dismember 20, 2004 11:01 p.m.

More uproarious bathroom mischief rumors

I just heard a rumor that a piece of poo-poo was sighted on the bathroom floor at Dillard's, and that at a University of Dayton basketball game a toilet almost overflowed and another toilet was found to have a big strand of snot draped across the seat.

Sunday, December 19, 2004 04:58 p.m.

Give a hoot! Write another ish!

I just put out the last issue of The Last Word.

The last issue of 2004, that is.

It looks like The Last Word's managed to make it into '05, so the next one will be volume 14, number 1.

Read it and peep:

members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw041219

Wednesday, December 15, 2004 07:50 p.m.

Another genius tries to drag my good name through cess

Just discovered a message board where some wiseass has taken it upon themselves to impersonate me while posting inflammatory messages, with my photo in the sig file.

I don't think anyone is fooled, but who knows? After all, this is the Internet, where people are idiots.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004 12:20 a.m.

20 years ago yesterday...

The 20th anniversary of the start of My Very First Suspension came and went, and I didn't even notice.

Damn, I should have never gone to school that day.

I had hoped to have the book published yesterday as a symbolic gesture, but I had to take 3 weeks off in November, so I'm still a couple weeks away from finishing my book.

Friday, December 10, 2004 12:38 a.m.

When "Wild Kingdom" was a symbol of despair

While we're on the topic of old TV shows, does anyone remember a show called "Mutual Of Omaha's Wild Kingdom"?

The only time I ever saw this show was in the '80s when some TV station didn't feel like showing what they originally had scheduled. For me, that's when "Wild Kingdom" Jumped The Shark (as that one website would say). The stations in Cincinnati did this a lot, as did the Chicago station we got on cable.

I don't even remember the name of that guy on that show. I think it was Marlin something (like the Florida Marlins).

"Wild Kingdom" would have been a much better show if it wasn't such a symbol of despair caused by having to miss whatever show was scheduled for its time slot.

Another thing TV stations in the '80s liked to show when they decided at the last minute not to show their scheduled programming was old black-and-white MovieTone newsreels from World War II.

Thursday, December 9, 2004 01:34 a.m.

When "Simpsons" characters bubble...tonight on Fox!

I don't know why I was thinking of this earlier, but anyway, I was trying to think of all the times on "The Simpsons" when a character bubbled.

In the episode where Ned Flanders throws a shitfit, Homer bubbled. There were several episodes where Bart bubbled. I think there was one where Bart and Milhouse went inside a candy store and both of them bubbled. There was one musical episode where Patty or Selma bubbled. There was one episode where that one girl in Lisa's class at school bubbled. In another episode, a person getting their hair done at a salon bubbled. In another, there's a store called Gum 'n' Such (or something like that), and a person standing outside the store bubbled.

I remember a "Popeye" cartoon where Popeye bubbled and floated into the air.

I don't know why I remember all this, but I also remember several references to "Sesame Street" on "The Simpsons". There was one where Homer sees a person sleeping in a dumpster and says, "Just like Oscar the Grouch!" In the episode where Homer runs for sanitation commissioner, they do a song where Oscar pops out of a trash can. In another, Milhouse gets a toy called a Tickle Me Krusty for Christmas (based on Tickle Me Elmo). In another hilarious episode, which I've only seen once, Homer is chased by numerous PBS characters including Mister Rogers and several "Sesame Street" Muppets.

This list, however, does not include references to Kermit the Frog, as he was on both "Sesame Street" and "The Muppet Show".

Wednesday, December 8, 2004 11:36 p.m.

Cannon will be used against you

I remember when I was about 6 or 7, I got really interested in all these cop shows on TV. There was one thing they always said that I misunderstood for years.

Whenever the cops arrested someone and read them their rights they said, "Anything you say can and will be used against you." I used to think they said, "Anything you say, cannon will be used against you."

I actually thought they meant that if the suspect said anything incriminating then a cannon would be fired at them. I was probably about 11 or 12 when I found out that wasn't what they said.

Don't get arrested, folks. Otherwise, a cannon may be used against you. Or at least that's what I thought they said.

Saturday, December 4, 2004 12:20 a.m.

Bleah!

Bleah! Bleah! Bleah!

Sunday, November 28, 2004 04:56 a.m.

Back when TV was better

Have you ever watched TV?

You may have!

I've watched TV before. The word "TV" is actually short for "television", which means "from afar vision". I bet you didn't know that, did you?

TV used to be so much better.

Today I was chitchatting with someone about what my favorite shows were. You know, nothing else (with the exception of "The Simpsons" and "Seinfeld") even comes close to "The Dukes Of Hazzard". People would be surprised that I would enjoy a show like that, but enjoy it I did, and enjoy it I still do.

"The Dukes Of Hazzard" was one show I INSISTED on never missing. I was furious when our TV broke back when that show was around and we didn't have a TV for ages (until we got that TV back from the shop). I was even more furious when my mom scheduled a family portrait at a professional studio for Friday at 8 PM so I'd end up missing "The Dukes Of Hazzard".

Except when we lacked a TV, I watched more TV in the early '80s than any time before or since. A lot of shows then were great, good, or maybe even watchable. I'm trying to think of what my other favorite shows were at the time, but I'm having a hard time thinking of any offhand, although I know there were some great ones.

I remember this one sitcom the rest of the family hated, so I liked it. I don't remember what it was called. Actually it was a pretty stupid show. I only liked it because my folks kept complaining about how stupid it was. It got canceled after about 3 episodes. Man, it was stupid! The highlight of it was some teenage kid getting punched in the mouth, and all the blood and gore that resulted. Apparently, this was supposed to be funny, as this was a sitcom.

I distinctly remember that I was eating a Pixie Stik (one of those candy things) when I saw this scene, and I was so fascinated by all the gore that I could barely finish my Pixie Stik.

Network TV declined rapidly starting around 1983, and I hardly watched the networks again until "The Simpsons" debuted. The big fad through most of the '80s was sitcoms about families who were perfect. That got real old real fast. I mean, all these TV families were so perfect and upper-class. How was anyone supposed to relate? And the one guy on that one show was a real dick. He got mad at his kids over NOTHING!

Saturday, November 27, 2004 05:00 p.m.

You're not gonna believe what I saw at Kroger today

Some woman bubbled.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004 07:38 p.m.

Feel the frustration in ish #413!

Notice I had to take a few weeks off from everything thanks to all the fascism lately.

Anyway, The Last Word is back with issue #413. You can sense the frustration at the Bush regime in this 12-pager:

members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw041124

Also, earlier I saw a Marathon gas station commercial in which a person bubbled. It just showed the person's mouth, not a whole face. It looked like a computer-generated animation rather than real gum.

Sunday, November 21, 2004 12:09 a.m.

When celebrities bubble...tonight at a special time after the 10:00 news!

What's more uproarious than people bubbling? CELEBRITIES bubbling!

Someone sent me a link to what may well be the goofiest website ever written. It's called Celebrities Blowing Bubbles.

I swear I'm not making this up.

Yes, it shows numerous authentic photos of celebrities blowing bubbles with bubble gum. You'd think celebrities wouldn't bubble, because you'd think they'd consider bubbling a hobby of the unlearned masses. But bubble they do.

A lot of the people on this page are hip, young celebrities in their 20s. A lot of them are people I've never even heard of. But it's the older celebrities that are the most hilarious, because I'd expect them to be even less likely to bubble. Probably because most people I know who are over 30 no longer have most of their teeth.

Here's one of the most ridiculous celebrity bubblers on that site. You're gonna crack up when I say who it is...

Amy Grant!

Supposedly (at least in '92) Amy Grant was a Republican. Republicans usually don't bubble. They've been known to detest gum. Don't let the invasion by the GOP of bubbling dull your participation in this sport.

Here's another celeb on that page who's even funnier. If you thought Amy Grant was funny, you're gonna think this is downright hilarious...

Martha Stewart!

Is that funny or what?

Here's the link to the Celebrities Blowing Bubbles page:

www.deansplanet.com/celeb_bubbles.html

Friday, November 19, 2004 10:52 p.m.

November is a toilety month

November is the toiletymost month of them all. (I just coined a new word - "toiletymost". Kind of like "uppermost". This new word describes the most toilety item in a series.)

Today my toilet almost overflowed.

Also, today is World Toilet Day. According to the World Toilet Organization, the World Toilet Summit is being held now in Beijing:

www.worldtoilet.org/events/events_WTS2004.htm

Coincidentally, yesterday was Plop Day, as I'm sure you know.

Elections are what makes November so toilety. Hell, the Plop Lecture never would have happened if not for the '88 election. I'm sure elections cause a lot of intestine-emptying, so toilets get a lot of use in November. And on Thanksgiving, people fix themselves big meals - so more waste gets excreted through the process of poopage.

Have a toilety month, everyone!

Wednesday, November 17, 2004 01:14 p.m.

Stinking is cool

Indeed it is.

Friday, November 12, 2004 09:18 p.m.

Damn, I'm mad!

I'm still mad!

Madder than a bird!

But one of these days, more roads are gonna get garbagey. Then I'll be less mad.

Now, I know a lot of you have been asking what happened to my mapping assignment after I broke my hand. Quite frankly, I've been abandoned with that. Around that time, they sent me a letter that said they would send me updates for the manual, which they never did. Eventually, I found a copy of their manual online, and it turns out they completely changed the name of this project and the methods for submitting data, without even telling me. I haven't heard from them in the months since.

So I assume they've abandoned me without even telling me. Typical.

That's why I've been writing my book instead.

Monday, November 8, 2004 10:55 a.m.

Toilets can get garbagey too!

I haven't had time to make anything else garbagey in the past few days, but you know what else besides roads can get garbagey?

Toilets!

Yes, toilets can get garbagey too!

That's what happened in '88 with the Art Schmidt flyer. I think it's time we do some ploppings!

Garbagey toilets can get - and garbagey they WILL get!

Also, I recalled another incident in which something gets RUINED on TV. There was an episode of "Welcome Back, Kotter" in which they visited a radio station and the guy at the station breaks an album right in two, and then he tries to glue it back together.

Now, on the subject of bubbling, someone sent me an e-mail that helps explain the urban legend about NBC's "Today" show having an "Annual Bubble Gum Day". For several years now, I've been told that they set aside one day each year for Katie Couric to blow bubbles with bubble gum for the entertainment of millions of viewers. I've never seen these episodes, but I often saw a goofy promo on Channel 5 a while back in which she did just that.

There's this one guy on this one mailing list who's a big admirer of Katie Couric. This guy was very distraught when NBC failed to show its annual bubble gum episode with Katie Couric in it.

Anyway, according to the article we were sent, there was a big contest recently between the best American bubbler and the best British bubbler. It was like the Olympics of bubbling. According to the article it was televised on the "Today" show.

I put two and two together, and I conclude that this must have been when Katie Couric bubbled. You know how whenever there's a story about bubble gum on the news, how the news person always stuffs a big wad of BG into their mouth? That must have been what the annual bubble gum episode of the "Today" show was, since apparently they have this contest every year.

I know I was watching the Channel 19 news one day when they mentioned something about a bubble gum blowing contest locally, and Regina Carswell was chompin' on a big ol' wad of Singapore contraband. (But she didn't bubble.)

Wednesday, November 3, 2004 03:34 a.m.

Dodd Drive: it got garbagey!

Garbagey Dodd Drive got.

Why?

Congress was enough, regardless of the outcome of the presidential "election".

So garbagey the roadway got. The roads will get even more garbagey if the need arises.

They need to be SO garbagey! Garbagey they will continue to get as long as stupid people are allowed to vote.

Tuesday, November 2, 2004 11:35 a.m.

Fraud report, fraud report!

Big surprise, huh?!

I voted this morning. Tried to, at least. Somehow I doubt if it even counted, but you can't fault me for trying.

One good thing is that this election had by far the highest turnout I've ever seen in 13 years I've been allowed to vote. I know how the Rethuglicans just hate high turnout (especially since this is a Democratic precinct), since they always do best when nobody shows up, but anyway, I waited in line for 45 minutes since it was so crowded.

Now, here's the suspicious part: Write-in votes are impossible with that machine. Try to do a write-in, and it will not work. Period. The next person who tries it is going to find my name filled into the space for write-ins, because I tried voting for myself for City Council or Board of Education and it didn't work.

Also, the "no" button for the constitutional amendment doesn't work right. You have to press it many times for it to work. That's vote fraud right there, so don't assume the final results are a reflection of the outlook of Kentucky voters.

We can expect court challenges just on the basis of this stuff. You'd think the government would have learned its lesson about faulty voting equipment, but I guess that's too much to ask.

Monday, November 1, 2004 06:53 p.m.

My Election Day bash!

I'd hate to disappoint you, if you're chomping at the bit for this blog to provide live coverage of the rigging of the election again, but tomorrow I'm going out for my biannual Election Day bash!

Oh, the so-called election WILL be rigged by the Republicans. I don't know if it will be enough this time, but it WILL happen to some extent, because it always does. Of course, they may lose anyway, so be sure to cast your vote, so the effect of the Republicans' cheating can be minimized.

Also, I did see a person bubbling today.

Sunday, October 31, 2004 10:13 p.m.

Speaking of bubbling...

Twice today, out of the corner of my eye, I saw people bubbling.

And yes, these were adults. I know there's always a lot of bubble gum in circulation on Halloween, but these were adults - not some kids who got bubble gum in their trick-or-treat bags.

Sunday, October 31, 2004 11:00 a.m.

A funny rumor I heard

I just heard a rumor that there's some commercial for some DVD player or something in which a person bubbles.

Saturday, October 30, 2004 12:00 a.m.

Ah! Some endorsements! Ew! And a new ish!

I just put out ish #412 of The Last Word!

This is a big 12-page ish, and it's got a new look. It has my election endorsements and the full account of my Toronto trip.

Read it and peep:

members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw041029

To sum up my endorsements, in case you can't access my latest ish:

President and Vice-President of the U.S.: Kerry/Edwards (D)
U.S. Senate (Kentucky): Mongiardo (D)
U.S. House (Kentucky-4th): Slider (I)
Kentucky constitutional amendment: No

And remember, the election is this coming Tuesday, so let's make sure I don't have to make the roadways garbagey again.

Thursday, October 28, 2004 10:53 p.m.

"Ointment" is a funny word

"Ointment" is a hilarious word!

I remember the first time I heard this word, when I was about 5 or 6, I practically cracked up laughing. There's no other word in the English language that sounds anything like it!

I forgot how funny it was until I was 28 when that one asshole ran me off the road in Villa Hills with an SUV and practically scraped all my skin off on the rough pavement. Then the hospital prescribed an ointment - which caused me to burst into laughter. I kept calling it "oinkment" just to see if anyone would notice.

I may still have some of that ointment left over from 3 years ago. I bet it smells worse than a bunker blast now.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004 08:07 p.m.

Will the good citizens of Bellevue get to enjoy garbagey roads again?

In about 6 days from now - almost exactly - we'll probably know whether the roadways of Bellevue, Dayton, and the surrounding neighborhoods are gonna get garbagey.

They got garbagey last year because of the rigged governor election, and the year before because of rigged congressional elections. Will they get garbagey again?

Hopefully, as a voter, you'll be able to prevent that from happening. That's because if the election don't go smoothly, I make the roads garbagey! It's a tradition. Garbagey roads maketh an ungarbagey conscience.

This Election Day, let's close the book on the GOPstapo. Otherwise, Oscar's gonna be feasting on the roadways of Bellevue!

Friday, October 22, 2004 11:23 p.m.

Kazoos are cool

Did you ever have a kazoo?

Back when I was a kid I used to have a kazoo.

I remember how the '80s began for me. I ruined a brand new kazoo on January 1, 1980. I don't remember how I accomplished this. But I ruined it completely.

I didn't intend to ruin my kazoo, but ruin it I did.

Later I had another kazoo, but I don't know what I ever did with it.

I know I never tried to blow bubbles with bubble gum through a kazoo, so I know that's not how my other kazoo got ruined. About 5 years ago, however, there was this one web page where some guy talked about doing just that.

In music class in 8th grade there was this one kid who just couldn't grasp how a kazoo was supposed to work. The teacher or some guest speaker brang in a kazoo, and this kid in my class kept blowing into it like it was a horn, not realizing that's not how you play a kazoo.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004 10:06 p.m.

I've changed my mind about something...

...and it ain't the election.

In the previous entry I said I was going to make the next ish of The Last Word the last one ever. Well, that was all it took for people to demand that I continue publishing this legendary populist zine after 12 years.

So it looks like the party may continue. Aren't you thrilled?

Sunday, October 17, 2004 10:54 p.m.

Who can it be now?

I just pulled one over on the ruling regime by not only cramming 2 overnight road trips into one year but also by going international to see one of the greatest musicians of all-time live on stage!

I've been gone all weekend to see Colin Hay of Men At Work in concert in the Toronto area. What an incredible guitarist! We even chitchatted with him a little bit after the show!

This is one of the highlights of the millennium!

I'll post more details later. Right now I'm gonna get to work on the final installment of what has been my main project for the past 12 years.

Friday, October 15, 2004 10:16 p.m.

"Dynasty" is a funny word

I thought of another word that's sort of funny: "dynasty".

I think the first place I ever heard this word was with the debut of that TV show "Dynasty" that my mom always watched. The reason it was such a funny word is that I thought it was pronounced "die nasty", so every time this word was uttered I did this little thing where I "died nasty": I spewed out a bunch of bad words and pretended I was dying.

I could never understand why my mom liked those shows like "Dynasty" and "Dallas" so much. Another show like that was something about flamingoes. It had this guy who wore a Boss Hogg suit and hat and one of those little Colonel Sanders things, and it lasted about 2 episodes.

Thursday, October 14, 2004 12:52 a.m.

Candy corn time

Have you ever thought that a personal possession was hopelessly lost - only to have it reappear years after you've assumed you'd never find it again?

Well, that just happened to me with a book that I have.

A few of you know what I'm talking about here, just because of the reference to candy corns (for the author's head was shaped like one), but it's really irrelevant what book it was.

The funny thing about this is that I borrowed this book from Brossart's library right before I was expelled, and then - because of the way I was treated there (financially and otherwise) - I decided to keep the book instead of returning it. So it was now my book.

But then about 4 years (ahem) ago, it was misplaced during a cleaning of my apartment. I never saw it again. I feared that somebody had returned the book to Brossart. Not like I'd miss it much, but it's the principle that matters.

Now, just a few minutes ago, I was cleaning my closet and found a paper grocery bag full of books that was buried in the very back of the closet. And guess what was there?

You guessed it!

So it's a satisfying victory over the forces of Brossartism!

Wednesday, October 13, 2004 10:31 p.m.

Dumbya loses another debate

Surprise, surprise.

Did anyone else notice early in the debate all the saliva collecting on the corners of his mouth?

Also notice the deafening silence when he made that stupid remark about CBS.

Of course, I'm posting this before the networks have their chance to put their pro-Bush spin on the debate and brainwash everyone into thinking Bush somehow won it.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004 03:27 p.m.

Those were the days...

Someone told me of another instance where something gets RUINED on TV.

Supposedly this one hasn't been aired on TV in years, so the details are kind of fuzzy, but anyway...

There's supposedly an old, old episode of "All In The Family" in which Edith has some expensive fur coat or hat or something like that, and it gets ruined when somebody accidentally spills spaghetti sauce on it.

I don't remember ever seeing that episode, but I'm sure it was quite a hilarious scene!

Monday, October 11, 2004 02:28 p.m.

Aw hell, let's go to Shell

Earlier at the Shell station, the cashier kept blowing bubbles with a big green wad of bubble gum.

Saturday, October 9, 2004 12:33 a.m.

Big surprise: Bush loses another debate

His vile record as dictator aside, it's hard to see how anyone can take Bush seriously after the performance he gave in Friday's debate.

The part in the middle where he interrupted Charlie Gibson and kept winking was the most humiliating.

This debate was Bush's worst performance yet, and if his poll numbers survive this it will be a miracle.

Thursday, October 7, 2004 03:08 p.m.

Blog bullies and other fascists (a new ish!)

Aren't you sick of the right-wing blogs pushing news organizations around because they dare to report something negative about Bush?

That's the main topic of the latest ish of The Last Word, which I now have posted here:

members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw041007

Wednesday, October 6, 2004 03:48 a.m.

The Steely Dan Library smelled funny

I remember back around '94 when I went to NKU the library there smelled really weird. Especially the lower floors.

Strangely, the closet in my apartment has acquired that exact same aroma. I started cleaning my closet earlier, and that smell brang back many fond memories of the Steely Dan Libe!

I also found several big boxes full of papers I haven't seen in years. I don't mean stuff from the Last Word era either. I mean OLD stuff!

I found this one sheet of notebook paper that was meticulously folded, so I unfolded it and saw the reason why I kept that paper folded and hidden all those years. It was my own little handwritten journal of things I did and saw around 1/15/88 or thereabouts, so of course that brang back memories. Then I promptly tore the sheet up into itty bitty pieces and threw them away, since I figured I got enough entertainment out of it.

Because I was born in '73 and this sheet was written in '88 you can probably guess what the primary subject matter was.

Also I found all my old Bro$$art yearbooks which I thought I had lost years ago.

Wednesday, October 6, 2004 12:36 a.m.

Hydrogen peroxide cures colds

This is something I've learned from the Internet in recent months: Hydrogen peroxide prevents and cures common colds.

But you don't drink it! Instead, you pour it into your ears!

This practice is common in Germany, India, and around the world - but not in America. The American health care system is not very clueful these days, so now I've found what appears to be a heavy clue stick to bat some sense into it.

Every few days, you should grab your bottle of hydrogen peroxide, fill the cap with the liquid, lay down on your side, and pour it into each ear. Avoid getting the hydrogen peroxide on clothes, bed sheets, blankets, or carpets, because it can discolor and ruin them. (Hahaha!!! RUIN!!!)

Let the hydrogen peroxide slither down inside your ear. After about a minute, the liquid will bubble. No, not THAT kind of bubble. It will fizz like a sodie-pop. After 5 or 10 minutes, tilt your head back the other way, until all the hydrogen peroxide oozes back out.

Repeat this process with the other ear.

This apparently prevents colds if you do it at least once every few days or so. Supposedly, it even cures colds that are already in progress - causing the symptoms to begin to clear up rather quickly (perhaps within a few hours). The secret is that most cold germs enter through the ears, so hydrogen peroxide in the ears is the best way to kill the germs.

I've used hydrogen peroxide as a preventive measure since around July, and I haven't had anything resembling a cold during all these months - even though I would otherwise expect to, considering that colds always become more common with Republicans in office (as I've experienced before).

So I'd bet that this treatment does have some merit - especially since it's used in countries that have a much better health care system (i.e., most countries). When all else fails (as it has), there's no harm in doing what America's health care industry would never think to recommend.

Tuesday, October 5, 2004 10:40 p.m.

Cheney can't debate his way out of a wet paper bag either

Dick Cheney's a nasty, nasty man. I think his nastiness did him in this time.

If the debates keep going like this, then Bush is gonna have to be dragged kicking and screaming out of the White House (since you know if he loses the election he won't abide by it).

Monday, October 4, 2004 11:20 p.m.

More humor

Earlier at Kroger, I saw 2 different people bubbling.

Sunday, October 3, 2004 08:29 p.m.

Another weird dream involving Bro$$art, "The Dukes Of Hazzard", and toilets

I had another weird dream last night.

In this dream (as in many others) I was still attending Bro$$art. Anyway, in this dream I was walking down the road in front of the bowling alley in Highland Heights. Laying on the sidewalk I found a sack full of old phone books that was used as a prop in the filming of an episode of "The Dukes Of Hazzard" (the one where Cletus makes his debut as an armored truck driver).

I'm so excited about finding a "Dukes Of Hazzard" prop that I take it into school to show everyone.

I don't remember what happens there, but later I'm watching TV and they show a newsreel from the early '80s that shows an aerial view of the world's largest bathroom - which is supposedly in a large structure painted with orange and black Bengals stripes on top of the rim of the old Riverfront Stadium.

Thursday, September 30, 2004 10:53 p.m.

Bush can't debate his way out of a wet paper bag

Well, I'm finished watching the debate. You'd think Bush would lose the election after people see it, but with all the spin by the right-wing blogs, you can't count on that.

I've seen worse debate performances before, but I can't remember exactly when - probably the last time I saw Bush in a debate.

He just thoroughly stank tonight. Not like I expected anything better, because Bush fails at everything he tries.

Sunday, September 26, 2004 08:36 p.m.

Getting closer to finishing the book!

I'm almost done with the Bro$$art part! Since I'm working on it chronologically, this means I'm almost done with the whole book, since the primary focus of it ends at the end of my Bro$$art years.

I'm up to about when the toilet paper fire was.

Now it's 270 pages or 74,588 words.

Friday, September 24, 2004 11:05 p.m.

Another gem from the Far Rightists

Here's the latest stupid thing that the RNC operatives have said on that message board:

"The judicial branch was never meant to be able to interpret the Constitution anyway."

Then what the fuck is the judicial branch for, asswipe?

Damn, these conservatives are getting nuttier by the fucking hour lately!

Friday, September 24, 2004 09:21 p.m.

How conservatives debate

Here's an example of how the RNC-bankrolled Nazis debate:

"You want to make as much as everyone else? THEN WORK AS HARD AS EVERYONE ELSE!!!

"Communist."

Oh now that will really help your cause, moron. It's no wonder these assholes have kept on posting the same crap like this for as long as anyone's heard of the Internet.

Friday, September 24, 2004 08:34 p.m.

RNC trolls are bullgoose loopy!!!

I think I've seen enough of this shit to last for one lifetime, don't you?

More and more lately I've noticed deliberate efforts by the Republican National Committee to run people off of nonpartisan message boards for disagreeing with them. Almost all these accounts you see on these boards like this that spout conservative propaganda are paid RNC operatives.

There's one board in particular that's been overrun by these right-wing hooligans lately, even though it's designed to be a nonpartisan board. The fascists aren't interested in intelligent discussion. They're just interested in shouting down dissenters. They constantly post ideas for new laws and amendments that are patently absurd, and when they run out of ideas, they insult people who disagree with them.

But don't you dare insult them back. They'll cry to the moderator that their pwecious widdle feewings got hurt.

You know they're RNC operatives, because they post the EXACT SAME CRAP as 10 years ago!

For instance, they've been cluttering up the message board in question with their idea for a law to bar people who receive public assistance from voting. This is the same thing they were babbling about on Usenet way back when.

A friend of mine found another golden oldie like this that they keep bringing up again: the "no nation has ever taxed itself into prosperity" schtick. They always ignore the fact that the most prosperous countries have a tax structure that is much more steeply graduated than America's is.

But the RNC trolls keep adding new crap to their large library of crap that's already accumulated. Lately, for instance, they've begun to insist that West Virginia (because it's one of few states run by Democrats) is a fake state that never was created.

On that message forum today, one of the Nazis charged that Democrats "want to pass 'hate speech' laws that would be contrary to the Bible."

Isn't that just the silliest thing you've ever heard of? These conservatives claim a law AGAINST hate crimes violates the Bible!!!

These RNC trolls are fucking bullgoose loopy!!!

What's worse is, people now are actually brainwashed enough to believe this shit! All because some Republican operative said it - which we all know must make it true!

This is fucking INSANITY!!!!!

It's no wonder the world's laughing at the U.S. now.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004 01:49 p.m.

The prisoner who chewed bubble gum

Something interesting happened on "America's Most Wanted" on Saturday that I should have mentioned then.

They did this story on some prison inmate whose primary concern was acquiring bubble gum. He wanted bubble gum for when he escaped, because he thought that if he chewed gum and blew bubbles he would look less suspicious.

I swear I'm not making this up. If they don't catch this guy, they might run this story again, so don't miss it.

Sunday, September 19, 2004 06:42 p.m.

Ploptoberfest

I managed to get in 2 fights in less than an hour today, but I'll get to that.

Both yesterday and today I went to Oktoberfest in Cincinnati. (Yeah, I know it's September, but that's just the way it is.) This turned out to be the most eventful occasion like this I've had in quite some time, possibly ever. And I don't necessarily mean that in a good way - well, unless you consider fights good. Which I sort of do, because it's gotten me in a good fightin' mood again, which I needed.

Yesterday at Oktoberfest, I saw a cop hassling some old man. Now, there was some Bush and Kerry people there to hand out stickers. A lot more people got Kerry stickers than Bush stickers, and a couple of times I saw some asshole wearing a Bush sticker trying to grab all the stickers from the Kerry people and tear them up. Now, you know I'm probably voting for Kerry, so of course I picked up a Kerry sticker, but anyway...

The portable restrooms were amusing, and that's why I call the event Ploptoberfest. In one restroom, someone pissed all over a big pile of religious tracts. In another, someone threw a paper cup in the toilet bowl, and in another, someone tossed a beer bottle into the abysmal depths of the johnnypot.

I did see some old schoolmates, but they didn't start any trouble.

Also I saw a person bubbling. (You knew that was coming, didn't you?)

Now, I went to Oktoberfest again today. This is when things got ug.

Since I know you're gonna ask, I did see 2 people bubbling today (one of whom gave her used gum to some little kid when she was done).

Anyway, I was standing down on Fountain Square, lookin' at the fountain while the music was playing. I had my little Kerry sticker on my shirt, so I knew I was asking for trouble from those who might take umbrage at it. But I thought to myself, I'm not gonna be bullied by Bush's cultists.

Now, as I was standing there, some guy who was probably in his late 20s, who was there with his family (including a small child), approached me and accused me of making a pass at his wife.

Of course, I hadn't made a pass at his wife. You probably think I did, just because I was accused of it, but I didn't.

So I said, "What the hell are you talking about?"

Then I looked down, and the guy has his hand at his side, and he's holding something metal and pointing at me.

That guy's got a knife! I thought to myself.

So I started walking away, then it finally began to sink in that yes, someone really did pull a knife on me. Right there in the crowd of hundreds of people, no less!

This man wasn't some rough-looking character. He was a fratboy type.

So anyway, I said to myself, Well, I've been run off from Oktoberfest. Now what?

So I decided to head on home, and when I got to where the ol' bikey was parked, I found out it was vandalized with a Bush sticker.

Now, you know I've got tons of left-wing stickers on my bike. I'm surprised it wasn't vandalized worse. I know Bush's people like to vandalize stuff if someone disagrees with them. And I so fucking dare them to.

So I yanked off the Bush sticker, tore it up, and threw it in the street.

Then I went home on the Taylor-Southgate Bridge and got up to 3rd & York in Newport. I was right across from that bus shelter, which nobody ever uses as a bus shelter, because TANK hardly ever comes by there now (especially on Sundays). Now, there was a group of about 5 preppy thugs (much like the guy who pulled a knife on me) hanging out there.

They started taunting me to fight them from across the road, so I say to myself, I'm gonna fight these idiots.

So I ride up to 4th, turn around and come back down. I hastened that bike to full speed, and I screeched to a halt right in front of the thugs. An argument over politics ensued. Then the man who was probably in his 40s stomped on my right foot as hard as he could.

So I got back on the bike, zipped over towards Monmouth, then decided I needed to fight them some more, so I went back. But then I noticed they were walking towards the courthouse, in an effort to get me in trouble by fighting them there (with their political cronies around).

Never mind that the courthouse probably ain't open on Sundays. That probably didn't occur to them.

So I fled when I could.

This is the closest thing to the Devou Park Showdown I've been involved with in 4 years. Oktoberfest will go down in history for this.

Keep in mind that I didn't start these fights. Yeah, I saw a few people with Bush stickers at Oktoberfest, but I just gave them a friendly nod and moved on. I figured they were too brainwashed to bother with - unless they started something with me first. The fights later taught anew the old lesson that - while you can't attack someone just because of a sticker - you have to play a good defense when they attack you first.

Friday, September 17, 2004 02:47 p.m.

Yet another public bubbling for your amusement

Earlier I went to the bank, and on the way over there some old lady walking up the street bubbled.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004 12:10 a.m.

Full story about Louisville trip finally posted!

Ever since my vacation in Topeka in 1995, The Last Word has always printed a detailed account of each vacation trip.

Now I've got a new ish out, which in addition to discussing last month's Louisville trip, also talks about how Bush's followers are whining about those memos being released and about how typewriters don't have proportional fonts even though some did:

http://members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw040914

Tuesday, September 14, 2004 03:30 a.m.

The bubble gum got ruined

I just thought of what would quite possibly be the most hilarious phrase or sentence in the English language, and it's probably never been printed anywhere before:

The bubble gum got ruined.

You can search on Amazon to see if this phrase has ever been printed in any book they sell.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004 03:19 a.m.

Mr. Snuffle-Upagus is luded

Man, that Mr. Snuffle-Upagus is luded!

You can always tell he's luded, because he talks in that mellow voice and because he blinks real slow. He's luded beyond hope!

I guess he decided to go get luded because he was mad that people didn't believe he existed for all those years.

Big Bird needs to get his friend Snuffy into rehab!

I wonder if Mr. Snuffle-Upagus sticks his trunk up his own ass so he can smell his own bunker blasts.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004 02:55 a.m.

Give a hoot! Mortgage a "Sesame Street" pennant!

You may notice that "pennant" might be spelled wrong. It might be "penant" or "pennent". Oh well, I only went to school for 18 years, am I supposed to know how to read or something?

Anyway, I just thought of one of the few things that truly frightened me when I was young.

When I was about 4 or 5, "Sesame Street On Ice" came to Cincinnati, and we got this penent with goofy drawings of "Sesame Street" Muppets on it. We hung it on the wall over my bed. I'm a big fan of Oscar the Grouch, but on this penannt he had this mean look on his face, and it terrified me.

Now, there was this board game called Easy Money, which was kind of like Monopoly, except all the housing values were updated to '70s levels. You could mortgage your houses in this game, and when you mortgaged them you would flip them up on their sides. I invented a new rule that said that if a player got mad and pounded on the board in a fit of rage, causing their houses to flip up on their sides, their houses would be considered mortgaged and they'd have to pay it off.

Well anyhow, I got scared enough by the "Sesame Street" pennint that I "mortgaged" it by somehow adjusting it so it was perpendicular to the wall, so I didn't have to see it.

'Twas kinda neat!

Tuesday, September 14, 2004 01:26 a.m.

"Racketeering" is a funny word

Am I the only one who can't help snickering whenever they say something on the news about some mobster or a member of Congress getting indicted for racketeering?

"Racketeering" is a hilarious word.

Bro$$art engaged in racketeering. They ought to be charged under the RICO statute. Not because "racketeering" is such a funny word, but because they're actually racketeers. I would laugh my ass off if that's what they were charged with - both because it's a funny word and because they deserve to be charged.

Monday, September 13, 2004 01:55 p.m.

Another day in paradise

Yesterday I saw a Phil Collins look-alike riding a bike down the street.

Sunday, September 12, 2004 03:56 a.m.

About typewriters

Typewriters smell nice.

Monday, September 6, 2004 12:54 a.m.

Rip-off-fest strikes again!

Man, what a boring Rip-off-fest! Yes, I'm sure both of the people who showed up for Rip-off-fest in Bellevue this year are deeply chagrined by this.

Before the so-called festivities I saw a young woman walking down the street blow a bubble with bubble gum.

Later a group of teenagers was walking down the street and one of them ripped a loud fart.

Friday, September 3, 2004 12:26 a.m.

More proof St. Joe's and Bro$$art were worse than Cline

In case anyone's still deluded enough to actually think public schools I attended were worse than private schools, I've been working on my book again lately, and here's what we've got on each of the Terrible Trio:

• 33 pages on Cline
• 34 pages on St. Joe's, even though I went to Cline longer
• 49 pages on Brossart, even though I'm only done with 1½ years (less than the amount of time I attended Cline)

Oh, and the book is at 67,722 words now. It ain't easy to write about my sophomore year, but I'm trying.

Wednesday, September 1, 2004 02:29 a.m.

More funny words

Another funny word like "ruin" and "viaduct" is "waft".

Farts waft.

They really do! When I say bunker blasts waft, I really mean they waft!

Another word that's mildly amusing is "cozy". I remember cracking up laughing once at NKU over by the box sculpture in the fall of '94 because someone used this word to describe a coat.

Once in the late '90s I was with a group of friends and burst out laughing while making a list of funny words I made up. The only words I listed before bursting into laughter were "wodded" (variant of "wadded") and "skeezebag", which was used so much in The Last Word that it's now almost in common usage.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004 02:37 a.m.

Why the fuck do idiots get dogs they don't take care of?

For the past few days the neighborhood has been practically brung to a standstill because some ASSHOLE won't take care of their dog!!!

Since around last Thursday some STUPID DIPSHIT has kept their dog chained in their yard nonstop - through heat, rain, and thunderstorms - and nobody has taken care of the dog.

Nobody plays with the dog, nobody feeds the dog, and nobody pays attention to the dog. The dog simply sits there and barks nonstop and keeps the whole neighborhood awake. The barking has been constant for 5 days now.

What the fuck is the point in getting a dog if all you do is let your dog sit outside with nobody around to pay attention to them???

Is it just so you can say you have a dog?

Around midnight I decided to call the cops. In addition to being a nuisance, it was clear the dog wasn't being cared for.

A few minutes later, some guy in the neighborhood got fed up with the dog barking, so he yelled at the dog to be quiet. But instead it just got worse.

So a few minutes ago I called the cops again. The dispatcher said the cops visited that house on my earlier complaint, but nobody was home. Apparently whoever lives there has been out of town for 5 days and has left the dog in the back yard unattended the entire time.

But the dispatcher said that as soon as the idiots who live in that house arrive home they will receive a citation.

Finally!

Somebody ought to go to PRISON over this!

Think what would happen if you left a child or an elderly person unattended for 5 days! You'd go to JAIL (and deservedly so)!!!

Whoever lives in that house has got to be the ST00PIDEST person alive for not taking care of their dog!!!!!

Friday, August 27, 2004 06:14 p.m.

Bubbling: an international sport!

Maybe they should make bubbling an event in the Olympics!

I've just been informed that in jolly old England they really like blowing bubbles with bubble gum.

According to rumor, a woman was seen bubbling at Harrod's - the ritziest store in London - and a man was seen bubbling on the subway.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004 01:36 a.m.

I'd hate to spoil the party after 11 years, but...

A few of you will really be disappointed, but sometimes even the best warhorses have to be put out to pasture.

Yes, I think it's time to move on.

I'm thinking I can make it to issue #413 or so, but we'll have to see how the election goes, won't we?

America has slowly declined, and my recent efforts have failed to stem this mind-numbing decay. My heart isn't in it like it used to be, and it doesn't help matters that one of the largest ISPs in America blocks my main site so none of its users can read my commentaries.

So enjoy the ol' Word while you can. It may be approaching its final days.

Monday, August 23, 2004 10:52 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #410 is here!

Issue #410 of The Last Word is now pub!

There's even an article about the latest bit of Bro$$art tyranny I've found in my e-mail box.

You can find the latest issue at:

http://members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw040823

Tuesday, August 17, 2004 09:58 p.m.

Yes, there's pictures!

No, there's no pictures of the woman who bubbled. Just some pictures I took of roads, bridges, buildings, and other public features in Louisville.

I have 28 pictures, which are divided among 2 pages:

http://www.angelfire.com/yt2/lastword/roadpics/louisville04a.html

http://www.angelfire.com/yt2/lastword/roadpics/louisville04b.html

Tuesday, August 17, 2004 09:50 p.m.

My annual vacation!

Well, I got back from my yearly trip yesterday!

From Saturday to Monday, I was on vacation in the Louisville area, particularly Clarksville, IN. A few weird things happened, but maybe I'll get to that in a later entry in this blog or in a separate article in The Last Word.

I only saw one person bubbling. When we were waiting on the patio outside the visitors center at Wyandotte Cave, right before the cave tour began, some woman blew a bubble with bubble gum.

Friday, August 13, 2004 11:45 p.m.

Another evening at the carnival

I went to the Bellevue Vets carnival again. Now, tomorrow I'm not going to be able to go, because I'm doing something else.

Tonight I only saw one person bubbling.

People peed behind the portable restrooms, because the restrooms were being monopolized.

Thursday, August 12, 2004 11:43 p.m.

More boredom

I just got home from the annual Bellevue Vets carnival.

I try to go to as many things like this as possible, so I can report back to my followers if there was any mischief. For the past few years, however, I've been disappointed by the lack of hilarious hijinks at the Bellevue Vets carnival.

However I did see some woman bubbling at the carnival today.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004 04:40 p.m.

This blog has a sense of humor

The Republicans are mad at this blog again!

They don't understand how a blog that uses the phrase "bubble gum" can be taken seriously when it offers live coverage of the Republicans' rigging of an election.

Now, I'm sure Brit Hume has at some point in his life uttered the words "bubble gum", yet I don't see them criticizing Fox News Channel's election coverage.

I guess I need to start prefacing every entry with the words "serious" or "funny" so they know whether something humorous is going to happen in each entry.

There's actually a game called mullet spotting, in which you punch your friend in the arm every time you see a person with a mullet. Well, that's what this blog does every time I see a person blowing a bubble with bubble gum. It's like mullet spotting, only it's bubble spotting.

Now that falls under "funny".

But the Republicans stealing an election is categorized as "serious".

Make sense?

Tuesday, August 10, 2004 01:15 a.m.

When you're here, you're a celebrity look-alike

Another day, another celebrity look-alike spotted at a restaurant!

I just heard a rumor that some guy who looked just like the actor on "Seinfeld" who played Jerry's dad was sighted at Olive Garden.

Sunday, August 8, 2004 09:50 p.m.

It's funny when people bubble

I spent most of the weekend at my mom's house watching her dog.

A young woman was alleged to have bubbled while getting out of her car right before I left to go to my mom's house.

Also, I saw an old rerun of "All In The Family" in which a character bubbled.

In addition, I heard a rumor of another celebrity look-alike. This time some guy who looked exactly like Tiger Woods was sighted at Texas Roadhouse.

Tuesday, August 3, 2004 04:04 p.m.

Give a hoot! Troll a message board!

There's this one message board I just love trolling under a handle, because I think it's one of the most petty message boards I've ever seen. The funny thing is that people actually respond to my troll posts! Hahaha! This is SO FUNNY!

Also, I've got a publisher lined up for my upcoming book, which is due out around December or January. It will be available through bookstores and online retailers, so you know this isn't just something I wrote down on a paper grocery bag and stapled together.

Monday, August 2, 2004 02:15 a.m.

On the road again...

On Sunday a Willie Nelson look-alike was sighted walking down the street.

Also I've been told that someone took a dump all over the floor of a restroom at the Kroger in Latonia.

Friday, July 30, 2004 04:55 p.m.

Lulu Hogg said the magic word too!

Hahahahaha, this is funny!

On "The Dukes Of Hazzard", when the character of Boss Hogg's wife Lulu is first introduced, her VERY FIRST LINE in the ENTIRE SERIES is: "This is gonna ruin my birthday!"

Hear that, folks? RUIN!!!!!

Lulu throws a big temper tantrum because the used car owner sold the Rolls Royce that Boss Hogg had planned on getting her for her birthday.

A few minutes later Boss Hogg also says the magic word!

A lot of cars got RUINED in that episode!!!

What a great "Dukes Of Hazzard" episode that was! That was great how the Dukes put those mower blades on that old tow truck and ripped the doors off the counterfeiters' cars when they drove past!

Tuesday, July 27, 2004 11:14 p.m.

The governor of Arizona said the magic word!

Janet Napolitano said "ruin"!

Also, I saw some woman blowing a bubble with bubble gum at Kroger earlier.

In addition, I found another "Seinfeld" episode where something gets RUINED! It's the one where Kramer goes through all that trouble to get that statue from the guy who supposedly stole it, then after all that, he pats George on the back, causing him to drop the statue and break it into a zillion pieces!

Saturday, July 24, 2004 02:06 a.m.

Another ish!

I just put out a new ish of The Last Word:

members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw040724

Not much in this issue though. I could really add a lot more, considering how the Republicans have been averaging at least 3 major scandals per day lately.

Thursday, July 22, 2004 11:59 p.m.

Book nearly done?

I've discovered that I'm surprisingly close to finishing writing my book.

I'm into 9th grade and have done part of 10th grade (which was the worst year), so there's really not that much left. The end of 9th grade is two-thirds of the way through the story!

I have 56,789 words so far!

Sunday, July 18, 2004 12:00 a.m.

31 years of misery

I'm 31, I can do what I want! I'm 31, I can do what I want! I'm 31, I can do what I want! I'm 31, I can do what I want! I'm 31, I can do what I want! I'm 31, I can do what I want! And yooouuuuuuuuuu can't!

Wednesday, July 14, 2004 03:12 p.m.

The last known yellow stop sign in Northern Kentucky found!

I felt weak again today, but I was able to muster the energy to do just a little bit of Roads Scholaring!

Recently I found a website on the area's abandoned railroads, which includes this:

http://homepage.mac.com/jjakucyk/Transit1/ln/pages/page_5.html

Look closely at the right-hand side of the photo, where the fence meets the building, and you'll see a yellow stop sign!

I got in a massive flamewar on the Internet at the hands of those who adamantly insist the stop sign never was yellow and is just a red one that is rusted. (No, I'm not talking about the newer red stop sign on the fence.) Today I saw that stop sign still standing, and I've verified it's a genuine yellow!

This is at 9th & Lowell in Newport. You'll see it going northwest on Lowell. It's within a few hundred feet of my work territory, so I just missed discovering it earlier.

This is the last remaining yellow stop sign that I know of anywhere in Northern Kentucky or Cincinnati that is intended for roadway traffic. This is not counting the one in that lumber yard in Covington.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004 11:21 p.m.

Toilet paper is funny

Today I saw a cop buying toilet paper.

Friday, July 9, 2004 11:42 p.m.

Orange juice is cool

Orange juice pibs like a mullet!

Remember that orange juice ad where the guy opens up the refrigerator and sneezes all over the sandwich?

That was mighty stupid, wasn't it?

Personally, I much preferred the commersh where a person slowly lifts the orange juice container up to their mouth and spills it.

Monday, July 5, 2004 12:42 a.m.

Finally! A good solid Fourth!

This was the best Fourth of July we've had in probably over 5 years!

All sorts of neet poo goes on in the Belv on July 4, and this was likely the most exciting Independence Day celebration since our bonfire years of the '90s.

Early in the evening, some folks who lived nearby used a half a stick of dynamite to shoot a 15-gallon bucket about 80 feet into the air! The blast blew off the base of the bucket!

Later they found a rotten, hollowed-out melon and used dynamite to blow it apart! That would be cool if Gallagher started using dynamite in his act!

Also, some other folks unfurled a string of several thousand firecrackers that was almost a whole city block long. They detonated the firecrackers all at once in the alley.

The city was a canvas for these unconventional methods of detonating fireworks!

When I got home, I saw that someone had crashed their car into a stone wall on my street. The cops arrested the young woman who drove the car after finding a half-empty bottle of wine on her front seat.

Now, since the driver was clearly under 21, this proves once again what a failure Reagan's national 21 drinking age is. This idiotic law is probably what encouraged the driver to drink. I think it's time they flush this law once and for all.

Also, like last year, I saw 2 different people bubbling along the street.

Sunday, July 4, 2004 06:47 a.m.

I did my patriotic July 4 duty today!

I PUT OUT A NEW ISH OF THE LAST WORD!!!!!

http://members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw040704

I was up all night working on it, because I was FURIOUS about something! Now, I hadn't tried using floppy disks I made with the old computer yet on my new computer. Lo and behold, I discovered that floppies made with Windows 98 don't work with Windows XP - so I have to find a computer that has Windows 98 to rescue my data!

Was Microsoft so st00pid that it didn't foresee this problem when it put out a new edition of Windows?

If I can't get access to an older computer, then I expect Microsoft to ship me a computer with Windows 98 - free of charge. That is not a request, but a demand. How was I to know when I made floppies with Windows 98 that I'd never be able to use them in future editions of Windows?

Thursday, July 1, 2004 11:55 p.m.

Movy, I mean movie

I just got home from seeing Fahrenheit 9/11. What a great movy! You need to see this movy, if you haven't already!

Most of the movy theaters around here refuse to show Fahrenheit 9/11, but they show it in Western Hills.

(Yes, I know it's spelled "movie" - not "movy". A few Usenetters will get the joke.)

I haven't seen anyone bubbling in public in the past couple weeks, but throughout Fahrenheit 9/11 I kept hearing someone in the theater loudly popping bubble gum, much to the amusement of the readers of this blog.

Nowadays, theaters show 20 minutes of ads before movys, which explains why I haven't seen a movy in a theater since about 1997.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004 10:37 p.m.

Right-wing fascists didn't shut down People's Forum after all

It turns out the right-wing Taliban at EZBoard didn't shut down the People's Forum after all. They just deleted all the bad words like "poop" - and they moved the link to where nobody can find it.

The new link is:

http://pub205.ezboard.com/bpeoplesforum

Thursday, June 24, 2004 07:07 p.m.

Get your kicks on KY 3076

As Depeche Mode used to say often, I got my kicks on the brand spankin' new KY 3076 today.

After hearing this new road opened in Erlanger, I took the ol' bikey out there to try the road out. This is in my work territory, but I wouldn't dare classify today's outing as work, because I didn't suffer enough.

Any work project on that plateau is going to be nixed from now until some action is taken to fix the roads or make sure people stop driving like maniacs. It took over 90 minutes to bike from Bellevue to Crescent Springs, which is ridiculous. I did travel a total of 26 miles today, however.

The new road is off Erlanger-Crescent Springs Road and runs immediately parallel to I-75, the ramp to I-275, and finally I-275. It's right on the edge of the feared Mineola Stink, although I didn't detect that insufferable odor today. At the east end of the road, however, I detected an inland beach smell that once characterized the lake at A.J. Jolly Park back when it had a swimming area.

Man, this new road is great! Hardly anyone uses it, and besides that, the shoulders are almost as wide as the main traffic lanes! The road is pretty flat too, much to the delight of bicyclists everywhere!

According to the official press release KY 3076 continues along the old Dolwick Road and along Mineola Pike to Donaldson Road, but I didn't go much beyond the Turfway Road extension before turning around and going down that road.

I stopped at the Speedway station on Commonwealth Avenue for juice, and I almost burst out laughing because every customer in the store was wearing '80s clothes.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004 01:58 p.m.

Jesse...Jesse Helms...Jesse Helms' Country Cookin'...

Jesse Helms was that fascist who I always used to ridicule in my set of revised Monopoly rules. That guy was a racist!

Anyway, I went to Kroger earlier, and there was some old guy talking on the pay phone outside the store, and I thought to myself, That guy looks like Jesse Helms!

I stood there until I could get a better look at his face. He really DID look like Jesse Helms! But he also had just a touch of Phil Gramm!

The funny thing is that I think he knew I was thinking he looked like Jesse Helms.

I wonder if this was the same Jesse Helms look-alike who I saw on Glenway who almost caused a traffic wreck!

Friday, June 18, 2004 09:34 p.m.

When Republicans have fetishes...tonight on the 10:00 news!

An avowed Republican who posts on a message board that I read apparently has a fetish for this blog.

From what I can tell, he just can't get enough of the wisdom and wit that are featured on this site.

You see, I don't think fetishes or fetishy objects have ever been mentioned on this blog until now. But ol' Mr. Repub-a-dub calls it a fetish blog!

What in this blog do you have a fetish for, genius?

Or does this guy just have a blog fetish?

"This is not a fetish blog...Sha la la la la..." (Sung to the tune of "This Is Not America".)

Thursday, June 17, 2004 01:15 p.m.

Cut a fart at Kroger...

Today I went to Kroger, and as I was standing in the checkout line, I smelled an absolutely HORRENDOUS bunker blast!

It was unclear who committed this shocking crime against humanity, but let me tell ya, it REEKED!!!!! It was funky!

That checkout line smelled like a sewer!!!

The aroma was strong enough that somebody probably had their underpants stuck to their asshole!

'Twas rather funny!

Tuesday, June 15, 2004 09:12 p.m.

Everyone deserves a good meal - even celebrity look-alikes!

Earlier at Golden Corral, there was some guy who looked like Newman from "Seinfeld" eating in there.

Also, a young woman kept blowing bubbles with bubble gum.

Saturday, June 12, 2004 06:32 p.m.

Give a hoot! Break a Coke machine!

Today I noticed someone knocked over a Coke machine over on 6th Street in Newport.

Also, the guy at the bike shop said the magic word! He said letting the seat of a bike come loose can "ruin" the seat post.

Hear that, everyone? RUIN!!!!!

Monday, June 7, 2004 04:05 p.m.

The right-wing games continue

So, it seems some genius has decided to sign up for my Yahoo e-mail list by forging the address of Amazon's chat site, in an effort to get my e-mail list shut down after Amazon complains to Yahoo upon receiving my mailings.

This sounds like a Freak Republic thing to do, doesn't it?

Oh well, I guess the games must go on.

Monday, June 7, 2004 03:52 p.m.

Give a hoot! Write an ish!

I just completed issue #406 of The Last Word:

http://members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw040607

Friday, June 4, 2004 11:39 p.m.

Gum for the holidays...at Kroger...

Earlier at Roy Rogers, I saw a Mike Dukakis look-alike eating in there.

Also, at the Kroger on Beechmont Road, some woman bubbled.

Friday, June 4, 2004 12:15 p.m.

Read any good books lately?

Have you read any good books lately? I have!

I'm in the middle of reading The Republican Noise Machine by David Brock. Brock used to write all these right-wing books, but now he's come to his senses and has written a book exposing how right-wing groups lie and have taken over the media to spread their propaganda.

You absolutely NEED to read this book!!!

I love the parts where he exposes the lies by Accuracy In Media, the group that published Campus Report. Campus Report was a right-wing hate paper full of lies NKU always handed out. For the past decade, I have hated Campus Report with a burning passion because of its bigotry and lies.

It's satisfying that David Brock's new book has wiped the smug smirks off the mottled faces of the Campus Report fascists!

Brock also exposes Regnery, a right-wing publishing company that seemed to be the source of a disproportionate percentage of the Bishop Brossart High School library.

You must must MUST read The Republican Noise Machine! This groundbreaking tome digs deep into how debate of American current affairs has moved so far to the right in the past 25 years because of right-wing groups influencing the media.

Wednesday, June 2, 2004 01:15 p.m.

Another boring day

Earlier I went to Newport On The Levee, and guess what I saw in the mall area?

A person blowin' a bubble!

It's very rare I ever go to Newport On The Levee, due to all the fascism there. In the mall area they have a huge poster that lists about 25 rules in their "code of conduct", including one that prohibits "unauthorized singing". The poster also brags that groups of more than 6 youths are banned.

It's the one place young people can go to hang out in all of northern Campbell County, and yet they get treated like shit. It's no wonder the whole place is practically deserted most of the time.

One of very few reasons I ever go to Newport On The Levee is Barnes & Noble. That's about all it has.

Also, I heard a rumor that one of the rooms at a Super 8 motel north of Dayton, OH, smells like someone took a dump in it!

Tuesday, June 1, 2004 12:36 p.m.

Another weird Bro$$art dream

Last night I had another dream where I was back at Brossart and skipped almost every class - again proving just how close to the surface this idea was in real life.

I don't know whether this was the same dream or a separate dream, but I also dreamed that I was coerced into being taken to a concentration camp in California but refused at the last minute to be imprisoned.

Sunday, May 30, 2004 02:32 p.m.

Mustard is cool

I dig mustard, man.

You know why they call it mustard?

Because it causes you to poop!

"Must turd". Get it?

Even the brands of mustard suggest pooping. Grey POOPon, PLOPman's, and so on.

Also, I completed a new article for my main website to help set the record straight on the lies the fascists have spread about me:

http://members.iglou.com/bandit/truthandjustice.html

Wednesday, May 26, 2004 05:26 p.m.

The torture of life continues with no end in sight

My hand is still broken from 3 weeks ago, and I haven't continued my outdoor assignment since.

I've also been working on my book a little bit.

I've had a lot of weird dreams lately, but the only one I can remember is the one last night where there was a rodeo at Great American Ball Park, and some old lady tried to sneak in without paying.

Saturday, May 22, 2004 12:28 a.m.

28,738 words of sheer pain

I'm probably only about one-third of the way done with my bookity-book, and I'm already up to 28,738 words.

Does that pib or what?

Tuesday, May 18, 2004 12:04 a.m.

I heard a rumor...They say you got a broken bathroom...

I heard a rumor that a restaurant in Hancock, MD, has such a smelly restroom that the odor causes visitors to almost vomit.

That would make a great TV commercial to promote tourism.

You know how they have that ad on TV where the right-wing governor of Maryland barges into someone's house and starts haranguing them about visiting his state?

They should have an ad where the governor goes into the person's house and says, "Hi, I'm Gov. Bob Ehrlich of Maryland. Why the fuck are you wasting such a beautiful day painting your house? Get off your lazy asses and visit Maryland! In the town of Hancock, we've got a filthy restroom with your name on it! So please, make the most of your vacation, you stupid fucks!"

Then the ad would end with the governor using the person's bathroom and saying, "Damn, I need to shit on the floor in here, so this bathroom can smell like the one in Hancock!"

Sunday, May 16, 2004 05:53 p.m.

Strawberry! Raspberry! Library!

As the guy in the Fruit Roll-Ups commercial would say: liiiiibrareee!!!

Today I went to the grand opening of the new library in Newport.

While some dignitary was giving a speech, some kids kept setting off Fun Snaps, which was kind of amusing. Some kids also pretended to vomit in one of those souvenir bags they handed out.

A person bubbled at the libe.

Sunday, May 16, 2004 12:15 a.m.

Still working on my book

I'm onto Chapter 7 now. This would probably come out to about 70 pages so far if it was printed on book-sized paper.

I'm reliving many foul memories of the Reagan era.

Also, the next ish of The Last Word isn't too far off.

My hands still hurt from being broken almost 2 weeks ago. Besides that, it's been raining almost nonstop, so I couldn't continue my outdoor project even if I felt like it.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004 12:59 a.m.

Give a hoot! Write a book!

For the past couple weeks I've been working on writing a book.

In the '90s, I had an unfinished work called This Is Not America which was serialized in The Last Word. That unfinished book - which one observer called a "big left-wing complaint" - discussed my unlawful imprisonment of 4 months when I was a teenager.

I also collected the first 3 years of The Last Word into an amateurish book, but I never had copies printed.

My new book is one that I think could enjoy some commercial success, following on the heels of one like it that I purchased a copy of. My new book describes my experiences with the school system (especially middle and high school), and this book will attempt to help others avoid the troubles I had.

I already have 5 chapters done of this book!

Saturday, May 8, 2004 04:07 p.m.

Purple baste, purple baste...

Earlier I went to the so-called festivities on the Purple People Bridge.

Not surprisingly, I became a victim of economic discrimination by law enforcement when I arrived, as a cop approached me and prepared to harass me.

But I did see 3 different people bubbling at the event.

Later I shall go to a get-together with my old friends from Cline. I am pleased to know that one of my main adversaries at the Home of the Patriots will be absent tonight, as he serves his lengthy prison sentence - right, J.B. (JailBird)?

Saturday, May 8, 2004 01:30 a.m.

What? 5 more former schoolmates in jail? You gotta be kidding!

Well, I just found out the current whereabouts of 5 more of my former schoolmates, and let's put it this way: It looks like they're living on bread and water right now.

A disproportionate number of people who I attended school with grew up to be guests of the corrections system, and today I'm amazed to find that 5 more have joined them in the hoosegow.

I'm pleased, however, that one of them is that asshole who started all that shit with me at Cline. This is the best news I've received in 20 years! A true fuckhead is off the game board for a while!

Another former schoolmate of mine won't be out of prison until he's almost 70, because he has more than 10 felonies.

Thursday, May 6, 2004 08:22 p.m.

Another day gone into thin air

Today I did HANDS Pike.

Just kidding!

No, actually I did the FINGER Lakes.

Joking again!

Really I did Michigan's THUMB.

Fooled ya yet again!

Seriously, I did an amazing 0 miles today, stopping only when my fingers became too sore from being broken yesterday.

Since it was about 87° today, it was probably too hot to continue my outdoor work anyway. When I do continue, I will stop at elevation 650 feet, because it has become too strenuous to go more than 200 feet uphill - especially since nothing interesting seems to happen anymore.

You see, I gotta see some interesting things in order to justify straining my aging frame. What I could do is hire some people to follow me around and bubble, but in today's economy, I can't afford that expense.

Wednesday, May 5, 2004 10:17 p.m.

Fort Wright likes being sued

Another serious injury, folks!

I did parts of Devou Park, Park Hills, and Fort Wright today.

The day came crashing down - literally - when I got to the intersection of St. Agnes Circle & Vidot Court in Fort Wright. The city has such poor maintenance of its roads that - even though it hasn't rained in a few days - I hit a puddle that had sand and gravel all around it and dove off the bikey onto the pavement at 15 MPH.

My whole life flashed before my eyes.

After a few seconds I got back up, and I had a big cut on my hand and several smaller cuts elsewhere. Both hands felt like they were sprained, and later it became pretty clear from the swelling that my right index finger and my left thumb were both broken.

It's not like I can do much about that though, since I can't afford to see a doctor.

Now, 15 MPH is well within the posted speed limit, so the city is clearly at fault. They're just damn lucky nobody got killed.

Despite that, I was able to continue working for a little while longer, as long as I didn't put any pressure at all on the broken fingers. Somehow I managed to do 31 miles.

I had to tape the fingers up when I got home, since by that time I could barely even touch anything with them since it hurt so bad.

Some good news: The state finally added a bike lane on one side of Sleepy Hollow Road for one whole block! Wow! Progress!

Monday, May 3, 2004 01:06 p.m.

Right gum, right price!

Earlier at Kroger some woman blew a bubble with bubble gum.

Saturday, May 1, 2004 10:34 a.m.

If you like gum, you'll love LaRosa's...

I heard a rumor that some old lady was seen bubbling at the LaRosa's in Newport.

Friday, April 30, 2004 09:55 p.m.

Another victory for fascism

Well, I notice my People's Forum has been deleted by EZBoard for disagreeing with their views.

Big surprise, huh?

Thursday, April 29, 2004 09:43 p.m.

More suburb fatigue

Villa Hills has an astounding discarded underpants per capita rate.

Today at work I saw 2 shredded pairs of underpants along the road in Villa Hills.

I only did a disgraceful 41 miles today at work. I finished West Covington, Ludlow, and Bromley, where there was a pile of dirt in the middle of the street that was taller than I am. Then I dragged the hulking bikey up High Water Road to Villa Hills.

And when I say up, I mean up. Some of the hills are so steep you can't ride a bike up them. You just can't.

I seriously think Villa Hills, despite having a large land area, might not have even one public restroom in the entire city. So I did lots of agonizing wiggling today.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004 07:32 p.m.

Another 28 miles of pain

I was able to get back to work today for my outdoor mapping assignment.

All sorts of neet poo goes on down in the Cov.

Today I did far northern Covington and parts of Ludlow and Bromley and out KY 8 all the way to Constance. When I first got into this 2 years ago, hardly anyone used KY 8 between Bromley and Constance. Now even this road is more crowded than it used to be, since all the rich suburbanites have to have the biggest homes on the biggest new lots as far from the city as possible, and drive the biggest SUVs to get there. Unfortunately, they don't realize that a lot of these roads are over 100 years old, and a 10-foot-wide SUV ain't gonna fit on a 9-foot-wide roadway lane, especially when I'm taking up a few inches on the meager shoulder.

The feared Mineola Stink has expanded so now one may catch a whiff of it along KY 8 near Amsterdam Road.

Also, I have been increasingly chagrined at the growing number of food marts that post signs on the door declaring that no more than 2 kids are allowed in the store at once. Since these stores have a snotty attitude towards the young, they probably also have a snotty attitude towards oldsters such as myself, so I try to boycott these stores. However, they do enjoy a monopoly in some neighborhoods, which forces the public to shop there.

Once when I was growing up there was a store near where I lived that had this same policy, and they were rumored to have removed their sign because of complaints with the state civil rights commission. These days, people are so brainwashed that stores can get away with hating kids.

Today I also noticed that someone drew a penis on the inside of the door of one of the portable restrooms at Goebel Park.

But it's a crying shame nobody bubbled today.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004 10:10 p.m.

Ish #405 is finally here!!!

I've finally been able to put out issue #405 of The Last Word!

A lot of you have been asking - rather, demanding - that I post a direct link to each ish here as I soon as I get it done. So - for now, at least - you access the latest ish here:

http://members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw040427

That link is not guaranteed to work in the future, because eventually - if I keep publishing - I won't have room for every issue on my main page.

Nope, there aren't many funny metaphors in The Last Word like there were at our peak in 1999, but at least The Last Word tells the truth.

Thursday, April 22, 2004 08:59 p.m.

Another week wasted

Aahh! Wasted!

That's right, folks. This whole week has been utterly wasted, because it's rained almost nonstop since Monday morning and I can't continue my assignment.

Today I went to the post office and got a flat tire on the way home because some stupid dickhead had a thorn bush hanging out of their yard and over the roadway.

So for the past few days I've been working on writing a book.

Saturday, April 17, 2004 10:43 p.m.

Guess what? You you you! Pow!

You know what that means, folks!

It means I've finished up one of the states in my mapping assignment. In the past couple of years, since I'm doing it counterclockwise to minimize left turns, I've finished my part of Ohio before starting on most of my part of Kentucky - which brings us to discuss the origin of the saying "you you you! pow!"

Around 1982 the state of Ohio was known for a series of TV commercials urging folks to visit the Buckeye State. The ads featured a bombastic jingle that declared, "Ohio's for you! You you you! Pow!" I remember it distinctly because the ad was shown when I was forced to watch cartoons on the small TV in the den where TV reception was lousy, because the old folks refused to allow me to watch the TV in the living room.

This slogan is now used for when I finish a state in my mapping assignment - even Kentucky.

Anyway, I completed Ohio on Friday, by biking 35 miles and finishing Delhi Hills and the part of Cincinnati along US 50 to Anderson Ferry.

I went through downtown on the way over there, and a young woman walking down Walnut Street bubbled. I was confronted by the untimely poppage of an inner tube on Hillside Avenue, due to the astounding lack of upkeep on that road. Ever since this road was marked on maps by bicycle clubs as a bike route, I've noticed that people have dumped large amounts of broken glass there just so bicyclists get flat tires. I also took a brief side trip to find the road where Pete Rose's childhood home was.

On the way home I went to Kroger, and I burst out laughing because they played "Heal The World".

Thursday, April 15, 2004 08:46 p.m.

'Cause I'm the map man...

I'm the map man...Yeah, I'm the map man... (Sung to the tune of "The Tax Man".)

Today the fun continued with my outdoor mapping assignment, as I did much of Delhi Hills - though I only biked a disappointing 46 miles today.

At Delhi Township Park, some woman blew bubbles with bubble gum. The toilets at this park flush by themselves.

Later, on the way home, I stopped at the Speedway (ppphh!) gas station in Sedamsville to drain the main vein, and I noticed that someone had smeared SHIT all over the restroom! There were wisps of poo-poo all over the floor and even on the rim of the urinal.

And wouldn't ya know it! Some genius inside the store there bubbled!

I almost forgot to mention that I noticed that someone drew a penis on a picnic table at Miles Edward Park.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004 11:20 p.m.

Hey...you...get off of my Allowed Cloud...

Longtime readers of my newsletter and my blog know the Allowed Cloud is a visual representation of something being allowed or disallowed. The reason for this is that "cloud" is one of few words in the English language that rhymes with "allowed" that can be represented visually.

When someone says something is "not allowed", one may mock them by declaring, "Ooh, an Allowed Cloud!"

Our image of the Allowed Cloud is a cloud with a humanlike face, blowing a blast of wind out its mouth.

Lately the Allowed Cloud has often been referred to as if it's not just a picture but an actual character - a single entity that makes rules that govern how we must conduct ourselves.

Oddly, there's a window company that's popular in the Cincinnati area that uses this very same cloud on its advertising signs. We keep seeing it on billboards and on small signs in people's yards. It is unclear, however, who came up with the idea first, because I have envisioned the Allowed Cloud in my mind since I was a small child.

Let's just hope that the window company wasn't using this logo back then, so the trademark laws can't take the form of an Allowed Cloud against us!

Saturday, April 10, 2004 12:51 a.m.

My new Allowed Clouds against the Far Right

I would have continued my field work on Friday, but we got to get some shit straightened out first.

I've devised some new rules for my work project to combat the forces of tyranny:

From now on, every time I see someone talking on a hand-held cell phone while they are driving, I will enter their license plate number into a list on my computer. This list will be released to the long arm of the law should they ever ask to see it.

I am also considering sending a bill to cities, townships, counties, and states each time damages result from poor road conditions, depending on what jurisdiction the road is under.

I have also made adjustments to the predicted boundaries of each session of field work. If I finish this year's updates early in the season, I will run through my territory again - but ONLY the low-lying areas.

These are Allowed Clouds, folks.

It's 58 square miles of Allowed Clouds right between the eyes of the Far Right! If the forces of good prevail, then sometime after the clock stops ticking, my empire that consists of the Covington, KY, USGS quadrant will be all yours!

Thursday, April 8, 2004 09:21 p.m.

A day of frustration

Absolutely nothing humorous happened today at work, although I did 40 miles and went to the northwest corner of my territory in Green Township near Covedale. Well, I noticed someone had written "LICK DICK" on a pay phone, but other than that nothing funny happened.

I got caught in the rain on the 8th Street Viaduct on the way over there, and I had forgotten just how truly awful the roads in Green and Delhi townships are. With the increase lately in people talking on cell phones while driving like drunken maniacs, some of the main roads there are now completely impassable for bicyclists.

In addition to having to dodge bad drivers on Cleves Warsaw or Anderson Ferry Road or Covedale Avenue, I started to suffer from "suburb fatigue", a condition that afflicts cartographic field technicians due to excessive exposure to fall-apart subdivisions that all look identical.

Not only that but I got 3 flat tires due to the poor condition of Hamilton County roads and incompetent motorists who didn't know how to stay in the roadway causing me to swerve into a pile of branches that had thorns on them.

And when I called someone for help after running out of spare inner tubes, they refused to show up because they couldn't read a map to find out where I was - something that's kind of mind-boggling in its own right.

All in all, a shitty day. Just for one change on the map.

But I have no regrets over getting this area out of the way until next year.

I would continue my project tomorrow, but I need to devise a new set of rules for dealing with the new predatory breed of suburban motorist and the bad roads that such critters clog.

Wednesday, April 7, 2004 10:04 p.m.

Every breath you take, every move you make, those celebrity look-alikes will be watching you

Work.

That's what I did today.

I did a mind-numbing 43 miles and just about completed West Price Hill. I found a smashed Scorpions CD laying in the roadway, and later I found another broken Kiley Dean CD in the road.

People drive like maniacs more and more. Over at Foley & Pedretti some moron drove into the intersection and then stopped, prompting some woman who was about 50 years old to yell, "You don't just fuckin' park!"

On the way home on the Purple People Bridge I saw a Sting look-alike.

Tuesday, April 6, 2004 10:46 p.m.

Blah!

"Blah" is a funny word.

I used to think "blah" wasn't a real word, and was just an attempt to translate into written form the famous sound the Cool Ghoul used to make. But when I was about 7 or 8, I saw "blah" being used in its proper adjectival form on a machine in a museum, and I couldn't believe it was a real word!

The word "blah" describes today perfectly.

Blah!

Blah!

Blah!

Actually I worked outdoors, since it was a beautiful day in the neighborhood, and I did another 37 miles. I did Sedamsville and dragged the hulking velocipede up Fairbanks Road to Price Hill to complete the area around Satan High School.

One rare highlight of today was the fact that on the way back down, on Rosemont Road, my speed topped out at 30 MPH (remember, this is a BICYCLE we're talking about) - something that hasn't happened since 2001.

Monday, April 5, 2004 09:58 p.m.

Time we have wasted on the way

Daylight Savings Time should be called Daylight Wastings Time, because it's time that gets wasted on the way (in the words of Crosby, Stills & Nash). (In high school we always called that song "BASTED On The Way", which provided much amusement.)

It also causes me to slowly waste away. Every time Daylight Wastings Time begins I always feel weak because I have to wake up over an hour before I should, and it's a royal headache. You never get used to Daylight Wastings Time until it's almost time to switch back to regular time.

Because of the time change it was so cold outside when I woke up that instead of putting in a real work day outdoors I waited until later to do some Roads Scholaring.

I saw much of the Reds parade downtown, where the airy vapors of Gatewood Galbraith's favorite herb wafted through the air. Then I sped down to Lower Price Hill to search for 3 alleged secret bridges. I only found one though, off the bottom of Queen City Avenue in South Fairmount, and it really wasn't even a bridge - just a rusted structure that appeared to contain pipes or wires.

One of the highlights of the day was the sighting of yet another celebrity look-alike: Casey Kasem.

Thursday, April 1, 2004 05:40 p.m.

Bus hilarity

The FUNNIEST thing happened today!

You know how some bus systems have loudspeakers on their buses that's loud enough that when the driver talks you can hear them out on the street?

Today I was on the way home from the grocery, when I heard someone loudly humming the theme music from "The Benny Hill Show" in a funny voice that mimicked a horn.

I looked behind me to see a TANK bus tooling down the street - and I immediately saw the source of the bizarre humming. The driver of the bus was humming the theme to "The Benny Hill Show" into the microphone, and snapping his fingers it!

I almost pissed my trousers I was laughing so hard!

Wednesday, March 31, 2004 10:05 p.m.

This note is illegal tough for all debts, public and private

Since it's rained all week, I've been cooped up here instead of doing my field checking, and I've had time to come up with a new commentary for this blog blogga blog.

I'm kind of like Andy Rooney, except I say "fuck" a lot more.

Notice how on U.S. currency it always says, "This note is legal tender for all debts, public and private."

Call me crazy, but I used to think "legal tender" meant "legal tender". Yes, for ALL debts. In other words, you can pay cash for anything.

Man, was I ever wrong!

Now you need a credit card for just about anything! I mean ANYTHING!!! Pretty soon, If you're buying something more expensive than a pack of bubble gum, you will NEED a credit card.

Trouble is, I happen to be in the lowest income group. Therefore I cannot get a credit card - even if I wanted to buy into that racket. You have to have credit to get credit.

For those who spend wildly and amass huge debts on their credit card, credit somehow seems to come so easily. But for all my penny-pinching, I have no hope of obtaining credit in today's economic climate, because I was not born into wealth.

There ought to be a law: "Legal tender" is supposed to mean "legal tender", and the law ought to back it up.

And why do people have to pay so much now for webpage hosting?

There used to be a ton of services that provided free, unlimited hosting - up until about 3 years ago. Is this because of the recession and corporate mergers perhaps? Hmm, what person could have caused that?

If you have a regular ISP account, you're already paying, in a roundabout way, for web space. Your ISP is getting screwed too, because they have to pay rip-off rates to phone and other companies that think they own the Internet (which is the biggest bunch of bullshit I've ever heard, since the Internet is public).

Who knows when this is gonna stop? For most of the past 23 years things have only gotten worse in America - and the sad part is that everyone is so brainwashed that they don't give a shit anymore.

Sunday, March 28, 2004 09:23 a.m.

Have no fear, ish #404 is here!

Issue #404 of The Last Word is now pub!

Also, I put together a set of 13 photos that I took in the vicinity of the secret bridge the other day, and you can find it at:

http://www.angelfire.com/yt2/lastword/roadpics/secretbridge.html

Yesterday at Kroger I saw some woman who was about 40 years old buying a big bag of Super Bubble. She looked like somebody who would be unlikely to blow bubbles, but I got this hilarious image in my mind of her cramming a whole bunch of gum into her mouth and blowing these huge bubbles with it.

Thursday, March 25, 2004 07:57 p.m.

Secret bridge exposed

They were predicting rain today, but when I knew it wasn't going to rain, I did some Roads Scholaring in some of the closer areas.

I went to Queensgate to look for the secret bridge just north of the 6th Street freeway over Mill Creek. From old maps and new aerial photos I had concluded that there was a secret bridge there that was not marked on any new map - and sure enough I was right. As that part of the freeway is rare in the fact that it's a freeway with a sidewalk, I viewed the secret bridge from there. I have no idea why I could never see it in previous years.

So a Cincinnati secret is exposed once and for all. Why they keep this bridge a secret is as much of a mystery as the bridge itself.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004 08:24 p.m.

Anywhere I roam...Where they lay their broken cassette is home...

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood today, so I continued with the mapping assignment. I only saw one person bubbling, however.

I did a staggering 37 miles and nearly finished East Price Hill. On the way up, on Warsaw Avenue, I found a smashed Metallica cassette on the ground (which serves Metallica right for their temper tantrum against Napster). On McPherson Avenue, I found a smashed TV set laying in the road.

Incidentally, Dennis Kucinich has by far the most support from the people of Cincinnati among any presidential candidate, judging by the fact that his campaign signs are everywhere in the city.

Also, why is some asshole on Bridgegate Court in Florence making hang-up phone calls to my apartment?

Tuesday, March 23, 2004 11:37 p.m.

More work in the 'Nati!

Well, folks, guess what? More work today!

Today I biked 30 miles and finished Queensgate and Lower Price Hill, including the toxic waste site off Gest (which had geese walking around on it). The sweet smell of sewage wafted through the air from the sewage plant along Mill Creek.

Speeding down State Street to the Western Hills Viaduct, I found the sleeve for a Tori Amos CD and then a broken Linkin Park CD on the ground. Some 50 feet down the road I found a smashed Jodeci CD.

Outside of Oyler School, some teachers were trying to hunt down a student who had walked out of school without permission.

I dragged the hulking velocipede up Glenway Road to East Price Hill, but little else of interest occurred today.

Friday, March 19, 2004 07:49 p.m.

Fun in the 'Nati

After 16 consecutive days of bad weather, I was finally able to continue with the field checking for my work assignment today!

I biked 28 miles, finishing downtown Cincinnati and most of Queensgate. The morning kept getting colder until noon, so I was impeded a great deal. But I did find some interesting graffiti. On the Suspension Bridge, someone had painted "GROW FOOD, NOT LAWNS, THE POWER'S WITH THE PAWNS" on the walkway and "CINCINNATI IS UNJUST TOWARDS DIVERSITY" on a pier door. Even funnier, when I used the restroom at the Wendy's on 4th Street, I noticed someone had scrawled "FUCK THE FCC AND THE RICH WHORES" on the stall wall.

The industrial RUINS of Queensgate are great for Roads Scholaring, but unfortunately they have permanently barricaded my precious Baymiller Street to make way for a proposed industrial park.

There's a mnemonic for remembering the order of the north-south streets in downtown Cincinnati. "Mnemonic" is a weird word. According to a popular book, one cannot utter the word "mnemonic" 5 times without sounding like a total ass. Mnemonic mnemonic mnemonic mnemonic mnemonic. See? Didn't that sound totally idiotic?

Anyway the mnemonic is:

Big Strong Men Will Very Rarely Eat Porcupine Crap

The words in that sentence stand for each road name:

Broadway
Sycamore
Main
Walnut
Vine
Race
Elm
Plum
Central

On the way home, some guy who was about 50 years old exposed himself at cars on Fairfield Avenue in Bellevue.

Monday, March 15, 2004 02:23 p.m.

A Brossart blog: what a great idea for a website!

Last night I had a dream that I was expelled from Bro$$art for posting a daily blog that ridiculed things that happened at school.

Man, if only blogs had been around back in 1987! Think of the possibilities!

A Brossart blog. Man, what a great idea!

Saturday, March 13, 2004 11:37 p.m.

"When Toilets Stink"...tonight on Fox!

I heard a rumor that the restrooms at the University of Dayton arena stink really bad.

Friday, March 12, 2004 11:22 a.m.

It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' Purple People Bridge...

Last night I had a weird dream where the Purple People Bridge collapsed, and a reporter from Channel 5 (they might have been Susanne Horgan) walked off the approach to the bridge near Newport On The Levee and fell into the Ohio River.

Thursday, March 11, 2004 08:10 p.m.

Mango Lime Fiesta juice tastes worse than piss!

Man, has anyone tasted this?

Dole just came out with this new flavor of juice, and it's torture just to try to drink it!

I need juice just to live, but I can't always find the good flavors like orange-peach-mango.

When ever I need to put out a new Last Word, orange-peach-mango comes in handy because it's a very ziney juice. It's just the right type of juice that sparks the mind into full throttle mode and enables the creation of good zine material.

Juice juice juice juice juice juice juice juice juice juice juice juice juice juice juice juice juice juice juice juice juice!

Monday, March 8, 2004 09:11 p.m.

Hotmail fascism

I've had 2 Hotmail accounts inexplicably yanked in the past few days.

Also, ish #403 of The Last Word is out!

Sunday, March 7, 2004 11:13 a.m.

Another celebrity look-alike!

I heard a rumor that a Sarah Jessica Parker look-alike was spotted at a Smokey Bones restaurant.

Tuesday, March 2, 2004 08:15 p.m.

Finally! Work!

You just love it when I do my field work for my official mapping project, don't you? You get to hear about Roads Scholar stuff and whether anyone bubbled and all sorts of nifty shit.

Today I finally got to start on this year's project - and since they're predicting rain and snow for the next week I probably won't get to do any more for a while.

I biked 26 miles today. I started with the Purple People Bridge, which now exemplifies the fascist police state by featuring signs boasting that all users of the bridge are spied on with video cameras. Another sign gives you this big essay of all the things that aren't allowed to cross this so-called public bridge over the Ohio River - which includes "shoeless persons" and skateboards. Hey, wasn't one of the main reasons for reopening the bridge supposed to be for skateboarders? Oh well, another broken promise.

I did Mount Adams and Mount Auburn. A young woman standing at the bus stop in front of the William Howard Taft National Historic Site kept blowing bubbles with bubble gum. Later, in Clifton Heights, some woman sitting on the steps of a store also bubbled.

My speed topped out at a death-defying 28 MPH on Warner Street, nearing my all-time record of 32 MPH. Also in Clifton Heights, I saw 2 newts crawling through the grass, and I found a broken Master P CD on a sidewalk.

At the end of the day I did the area around the Coliseum. Mehring Way under the Taylor Southgate Bridge stinks of vomit. Near the Newport end of the bridge, some woman chattering on her cell phone while driving nearly caused an accident, and a young woman who drove past yelled at her, "Get off the fucking phone!"

Sunday, February 29, 2004 06:11 p.m.

Incinerating stuff is cool

Nope, no bonfires in this entry. No bubblings or Mickey Rooney look-alikes farting in libraries either.

Since we've had good weather this weekend the new bikey has been taken for a couple of rides out on the former Incinerator Road. This is the road behind Newport High School that is now labeled Wildcat Road or something corny like that, but for me it will be forever known as Incinerator Road. Without any effort, I got the sparkling new velocipede up to 24.5 MPH in a 20 MPH zone!

I found a smashed Pantera CD in the roadway there.

Later at the park in my neighborhood I noticed they cluttered it with signs featuring this big essay about all the things that are banned there. The one saving grace of this act is the fact that at least one of the signs says, "Don't Let Vandals Ruin Your Park".

Hear that everyone??? RUIN!!!!! Hahahaha! The magic word!

Also, to illustrate the utter beedledickery of that personals site where some asshole forged my e-mail address, today I received an e-mail informing me that my decoy account that I set up there was deleted for TOS violations. Yet they still won't delete the fake account that someone posted under my name.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004 08:02 p.m.

Something hilarious just happened on TV!

You know that "Seinfeld" episode where Elaine RUINED the Maestro's valuable poster?

They just showed it on Channel 64!

It turns out it wasn't water or ink that was spilled on it, but wine!

Better yet, there's at least 3 other things that got RUINED in this episode!

- There's a bottle of barbecue sauce that breaks because the suitcase that it's in gets crammed into the overhead compartment on a plane! So it's RUINED!

- Kramer RUINS the Maestro's conducting stick by using it to shoot pool!

- George's fiancee has this valuable doll collection that includes a doll that resembles George's mom. George's dad shows up and RUINS the doll by ripping its head off!

Also, wasn't the Maestro played by the same actor who appeared in the Twisted Sister videos and yelled, "What do you want to do with your life?!"?

Tuesday, February 24, 2004 01:05 a.m.

The People's Forum is back!

After it appeared that some asshole might ruin the previous incarnation of the People's Forum a month ago, it's back with a vengeance!

You can find it at:

http://pub101.ezboard.com/bpeoplesforum

Sunday, February 22, 2004 12:25 a.m.

I saw the Kline Krew again!

On Saturday night I got to meet my old friends from Cline Middle School yet again! Actually I don't think they all went to Cline, but I think all of them except me went to CCHS - but as you may know, I'm considered an honorary alumnus of CCHS.

Also I buyed a new bikey on Friday. This one's an IronHorse, one of the least expensive brands that was available, but it makes the Extremist look like a broken Green Machine.

Friday, February 20, 2004 12:24 a.m.

The death of the Extremist

Nothing lasts forever.

February 20, 2004, will be known as the day I laid my trusty Extremist - the hulking velocipede that has provided 3,300 miles of somewhat faithful service - to rest and replaced it with a brand new bikey.

Less than 3 years ago the Extremist was a sparkling new bike. Now it's a junker. I tried to make repairs on it earlier, but I find it's futile. It's worse now than ever, considering the damage to the seat.

I've computed that's it's now worth MINUS $1. It's cheaper to buy a new bike than to have this one fixed.

So 12 hours from now I expect to have a whole new machine!

Thursday, February 19, 2004 03:23 p.m.

Aw hell, it's Bell!

Welp, guess it had to break sooner or later!

No Bell bicycle products tend to last very long without busting beyond repair. I knew the platform for my storage bin was on borrowed time, because it was a Bell that I've had since back before I stopped buying Bell crap.

Couldn't do my outdoor work project yesterday because it was cold, and I tried to today, but I only made it as far as the Purple People Bridge when I heard a thunderous snap and saw something fall from my bike and roll across the pavement.

Turns out that one of the screws for the platform broke off in the socket.

Who's ever heard of a metal screw breaking?!?!

Guess when it's a Bell, things like that happen.

Like a clod, I stood there on the bridge for a half-hour trying to fix it, so the platform wouldn't sag down and rub against the rear wheel, but it was of no use. 'Twas ruined!

The bike shop in Newport wasn't open yet, so I went down to the library to leaf through the rightist propaganda that has been seeping into the latest reference works on American politics.

The one saving grace for today is my visit to the Newport library, because I saw a Mickey Rooney look-alike in there, and because somebody farted really loud twice.

I buyed a new bin for the bike, so hopefully I'll be able to work tomorrow!

Dammit, I missed seeing the sinkhole in Mount Auburn today!

Tuesday, February 17, 2004 08:15 p.m.

Another big Repub-a-dumb defeat to gloat over!

Man, this is GREAT!!!

After the way the Republicans gloated in 1994, I'm just returning the favor.

Uh, you know that House seat that the Repub-a-dub Ernie Fletcher had to vacate? Well, guess what?

They had the special election to fill that seat today, and the Republican crackpot who was vying to replace Fletcher got absolutely STOMPED!!!

And this wasn't just some 3% loss like everyone was predicting. The GOP lost by 12%!!! That's right, I said 12%!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, I think this just might be the last year for the Bush era.

Also, why does some asshole on May Street in Elsmere keep calling me up at 6 AM and awakening me?

Monday, February 16, 2004 09:06 p.m.

Time to bring the ol' Extremist out of hibernation!

What? High of 60º? You know what that means?

On Wednesday it's gonna be time to start this year's outdoor work project!

Man, this is gonna rule!

Actually I'm jumping the gun again. I don't have all my paperwork ready, but I'm improvising.

And now, the rules...boom ba boom boom ba boom...the rules...boom ba boom boom ba boom...the rules...

The main rules I can think of are as follows:

1) Avoid stinky areas. Not mildly stinky, but REALLY stinky! I'm talking about the area along Dry Creek near the sewage plant.

2) If an area has 3 gun battles within 3 months, it's probably too dangerous. Not gum battles, but gun battles. Now if it was a gum battle, like in the old Hubba Bubba commercials with the Gum Fighter, then it would be a different matter entirely.

3) People will bubble. And when they do, it shall be mentioned here!

4) Like last year (but unlike 2002) I will perform my work in a counterclockwise fashion, from Mount Auburn, west to Green Township, south to Florence, and east to Taylor Mill.

5) Avoid heat over 85º, unless it's really dry.

6) Try to put in 11 hours each time, so it gets completed in fewer sessions and less time is wasted traveling to and from my quadrant.

These are all Allowed Clouds, my friends.

See ya on Wednesday!

Friday, February 13, 2004 10:24 p.m.

#402 in a bottle of poo

I just published ish #402 of The Last Word, for all of you who are interested!

Friday, February 13, 2004 12:53 a.m.

A story of a time when I ruined something

Did you know I once RUINED something?!

I guess you could say I not just ruined it, but destructed it! See, that was always a good pick-up line: One day, when I was much, much younger, a female friend approached me and asked, "Wanna destruct something?" And in college I liked to brag to female friends about vandalizing stuff, and they seemed quite impressed.

It's not an ego thing. Bragging about being a vandalizin' badass is just natural, like a mating call or something.

But this entry isn't about relationships. It's about ruining stuff.

When I was about 8 years old I accidentally ruined an expensive set of tables at my house. (Expensive by our standards, at least.) My mom had purchased a set of 3 or 4 small tables for the living room. The tables had long wooden legs, and the surface of each table was maybe 2 by 2 feet. When they were ruined, the tables were only a couple years old.

Anyway, I was watching "The Dukes Of Hazzard" one Friday night, and for some reason I was eating in the living room while watching it, which was unusual. I had my plate of food on one of those little tables.

But I was leaning precariously off the edge of the couch as I watched TV, and I had part of my weight on the table.

After sitting like this for several minutes I heard this ominous tearing sound, and I came crashing to the floor. One of the legs of the table was just dangling there - hanging by a thread from the table. The leg had been literally ripped off the paper underside of the table!

My mom ran into the living room to see what was going on - and she was MAD!!!!!

A perfectly good table was now RUINED!!!!!

She later glued the leg back onto the table, but it was never the same again. No heavy objects could ever be placed on it ever again!

For years after this incident I always referred to that set of tables as the "'Dukes Of Hazzard' tables".

Have you ever ruined anything?

Wednesday, February 11, 2004 11:40 p.m.

Yawn

Damn, what a boring week.

Saturday, February 7, 2004 11:59 p.m.

How to get even with fascists

I just did something really funny.

Earlier I received an e-mail from an online personals service bragging about all the new features they've added since I first signed up.

The trouble is, I hadn't signed up.

So I go to their site and find that some asshole had signed up using my name and e-mail address, and they've had this account under my name and address for several years.

A reputable company would have never allowed this to happen. If they were honest, then as soon as someone signs up, they'd send a confirmation e-mail to the address they used containing the IP number that was used at signup - so that way if it's phony the IP can be traced. But reputable they aren't.

If they were, they'd also delete an account that's under my address upon my request. Their site says that a simple e-mail will automatically remove your account - but I e-mailed them repeatedly, and they still refused to remove it. Because my address was being used for this phony account, I probably could not get a real account - not like I'd want one from them, considering their dishonest practices.

But as I always say: Don't not get mad and get even. Get mad AND get even!

I got on their personals section and created a gag profile full of silly answers. I placed the fake person in New York, so more customers would see it, and for most of the open-ended questions on my profile (such as what celebrity the person most resembles) I put answers that had to do with pooping or Oscar the Grouch.

Then came the photo. Although the fake person I created was a man, I found a photo on a website of a clothing retailer that showed some woman wearing old 1982 hand-me-downs. I used a paint program to add big scraggly hair to the photo and distort all of her facial features so she looked like one of those old troll dolls. And the photo is huge with a lot of colors, so it takes up a lot of space on the personals site!

Now anyone within 250 miles of New York will log on and use up the site's bandwidth downloading this huge defaced photo that's not even for a real account! Ha ha!

Also, last night I had a really weird dream where I was sitting on the front porch of my apartment building, and there was some guy standing on the sidewalk singing an unfunny parody of "Secret Agent Man" to a small dog.

Saturday, February 7, 2004 1:40 a.m.

Another mildly disgusting story

I wrote an interesting piece for The Last Word when I had my kidney stone - describing how the stone resembled a bacon bit from Frisch's salad bar - and I wrote a hilarious article when I threw up at Americana amusement park and the person in the bear costume had to clean up my partially digested nachos and Pepsi.

Something else disgusting happened on Tuesday, as I mentioned then. I had my dentist appointment, and, to my surprise, they insisted on removing 2 teeth. Now. They didn't say come back next week and do it. They went ahead and did it right then and there.

Everyone knows I have horrible teeth. I take extreme pride in it, which displeases the New Right so. In fact I take pride in it BECAUSE it displeases them so!

Anyway, I laid down in the dentist chair, and they injected the anesthetics right into the gums - which doesn't sound very pleasant, but the story gets more amusing. Then the dentist grabbed her trusty forceps, and grabbed one of the teeth on the upper right, rocking it to and fro. It felt like the tooth was being broken with a nutcracker, except the anesthetics had deadened the pain. She then pulled out a tooth, hopelessly damaged by years of decline, completely covered with blood.

She then repeated the process with a tooth on the other side - but this time the anesthetics didn't seem to work. Oh well. Life ain't perfect.

After piling gauze under the empty sockets, the dental assistant issued a stern order to avoid spitting for the next few days. But after I got home and removed the gauze, the sockets continued to bleed, and I had no choice but to repeatedly spit the blood into the toilet, thus reducing the anti-spitting directive to smithereens. The red goo beaded as the column of blood mixed with saliva dribbled out of my mouth and into the abysmal depths of the poopot. The water in the toilet bowl was left with gobs of blood floating therein.

The 2 pieces of gauze, which were white when they were fresh, were now a dark pink and looked like a couple of huge wads of bubble gum resting atop my trash can.

I only wish this story was more disgusting. Though I still tasted blood every couple hours, the sockets healed very rapidly. But I had a headache and a fever for the next 2 days, so I didn't have the energy to write a detailed story about it here.

The friendly dentist cautioned that other teeth should be removed as well, but it's a death-defying life I lead...I'll take my chances.

Friday, February 6, 2004 10:10 p.m.

Another asshole exposed

Why in the fuck is some asshole on Lori Drive in Erlanger continually making harassing phone calls to my place?

Remember the good old days when this used to be illegal?

Tuesday, February 3, 2004 12:56 p.m.

Getting teeth pulled is fun

This morning I had a dentist appointment, and they removed 2 teeth that were beyond all hope. (I'm pretty sure one of them was the one broken at Johnny Rockets.)

Later at Kroger some guy who works there bubbled.

Monday, February 2, 2004 12:35 p.m.

Those fucks at Blockbuster

Why the fuck am I getting hang-up phone calls from Blockbuster Video on Carothers Road in Newport?

It's not like I've ever rented any movies from them, since they won't carry Roger & Me.

Friday, January 30, 2004 11:21 p.m.

Another word that's like "chauffeur"

Since it's about -15º outside and I can't do anything, I thought of another word that's like "chauffeur" in that I once thought it was two words.

"Izod".

I used to think "Izod" was "eyes odd". This was way back when I was maybe 6 or so. This was even back before everyone, male and female alike, thought they were badasses because they wore Izods with the collar turned up.

So when someone talked about an Izod, I thought they were talking about one of those little plastic monster eyes with a suction cup on it that people wore on Halloween. I didn't know it was a shirt.

It was just last year or the year before that I almost burst out laughing because there was a young woman who was about 20 years old standing at a bus stop in downtown Cincinnati wearing an Izod and big hair. It was so funny because her wardrobe was so out of style! She probably wasn't even born yet back when people regularly wore Izods.

It wasn't as funny as the guy driving around Newport with a tissue hanging out his nose, but still it was kinda hilarious!

Wednesday, January 28, 2004 06:00 a.m.

Ish #401 is out!

I just put out issue #401 of The Last Word.

Before I did that though I received a harassing message from some asshole - some STUPID DICK - who I haven't seen in 16 years, so if I can find his street address, he gets sued.

In the meantime though I've been working on a webpage exposing some of the things he's done, and I'm planning on giving the link to some of my old schoolmates.

With assholes around to send out nasty posts talking smack about people, the Internet is an attractive nuisance for anyone else who might get it in their head to do the same, and I think it's time for the government to step in.

Because of this I am restricting my posts in public forums. With Congress's inaction, I've known for years my Internet presence has been on borrowed time anyway, so better now than later.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004 11:36 p.m.

A strange dream about Cline

In addition to the recurring "escape from Bro$$art" dreams I have, I also have these recurring "let's fix Cline" dreams.

A myth that the media likes to feed to people is that any public school - just by being public - is more dangerous than any private school. Not true! Cline Middle School was a model of safety compared to Brossfart.

I know that sounds hard to believe for anyone who attended Cline when I was there, but trust me, there's no comparison.

Last night I had a dream I was back at Cline. The premise of this dream was basically "THIS time, let's do it right".

I think the only class I skipped in this dream though was gym - which I regularly skipped in real life anyway.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004 12:40 a.m.

Hemorrhoids are fun

I have a hemorrhoid the size of Tennessee!

Saturday, January 24, 2004 10:30 p.m.

Oscar the Grouch

I bet Oscar the Grouch's shit stinks from eating all that trash.

Saturday, January 24, 2004 03:00 a.m.

Spitting food in toilets is funny

I just spit out part of a sandwich into the toilet because there were weird crunchy things in it.

Saturday, January 24, 2004 02:10 a.m.

Tink-tinka-tink-tinka-ting dooooo...dah-doo-doot! Special!

Just from the "tink-tinka-tink-tinka-ting" header, you KNOW this is gonna be another entry about something getting RUINED on TV, don't you?

Yes, an animated one. And I think a lot of you probably know what it's gonna be.

That's right, people.

I'm talking about the "Peanuts" special where Lucy flushes Schroeder's piano down the toilet.

I swear I am not making this up - although I admit they did kind of skirt around the actual plopping.

And what's with that intro the network always used at the beginning of every "Peanuts" special? You know, this one:

http://www.tv-ark.org.uk/international/video/cbsspecial1987.rm

That intro - with the words swirling around and changing colors - looks like it was made by someone on LSD! And the music in that intro evokes images of a marching band in a parade getting run over by one of the floats!

Another "Peanuts" special where something gets ruined is the Christmas one where Charlie Brown sticks an ornament on a tree and accidentally bends the branches. After he does this, he even says, "Everything I touch gets ruined."

Hear that? Charlie Brown said RUINED!!!

Wednesday, January 21, 2004 05:59 a.m.

A few more things I just now remembered

Blogs are supposed to be about current activities, but since I haven't been able to do shit lately, I've been using it for old memories.

For some reason I just now remembered a couple things that I had forgotten for years.

Once in 8th grade there was this one girl who was reading an assignment she wrote in front of the class and a big column of snot dangled out of her nose. The mucus was only there for about a second before she inhaled it back in. I think I was the only person who even noticed.

The second thing I remembered was a TV thing. It was something that was in a lengthy "Still The One" promo on ABC. (ABC had ruined the song "Still The One" to use in its promo campaign.) I'm not gonna say what it was though, since you'd think I'm nuts for suddenly remembering something minor like this after 25 years.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004 01:48 a.m.

Something funny I heard about "The Joker's Wild"

It's the game show where knowledge is king and Lady Luck is queen!

It's "The Joker's Wild"!

Now here's your host - Jack Barry!

Anyone remember this game show? It was really popular around 1980.

Anyway, I heard that contestants weren't allowed to use the bathroom by themselves and had to have a crew member accompany them, because previous contestants who were angry about losing kept clogging the toilets with consolation prizes they received (I assume these are the small items mentioned in the little promos which the announcer says every contestant receives).

You'd think people wouldn't be such sore losers, unless maybe they were Republicans or something, but I guess stranger things have happened.

I don't know if this story is just an urban legend or if it's true.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004 08:59 p.m.

Another celeb look-alike!

Today, on Fairfield Avenue, I saw some guy who looked just like Leslie Nielsen (of "Police Squad!" and Naked Gun fame) getting into a car.

Monday, January 19, 2004 02:30 a.m.

It's cool when stuff gets ruined on "Seinfeld"

Another day, another blog entry about stuff getting RUINED on TV!

That's right, folks. RUIN!!!!!

"Seinfeld" seems to have a particularly large concentration of irreplaceable items getting utterly destructed.

There was one episode where a Frogger video game machine got ruined when George hired some guys to help him lug it across a busy road.

But there's one episode that I never saw where something gets ruined that sounds absolutely uproarious. I've been regaled with the highlights of this episode many times, but I've never seen it because it aired right before I became a loyal "Seinfeld" viewer. This was back in '93 or so when America still looked like it had a future. People bubbled a lot in public back then. But anyway...

In this episode George's dad has a TV Guide collection, and Elaine RUINS one of the TV Guides by spilling food on it in the subway.

Hopefully they'll rerun this episode in syndication someday. It is sorely missed.

Saturday, January 17, 2004 11:47 p.m.

Dammit! I missed 2 more classic TV moments!

Being the "Seinfeld" and "Dukes Of Hazzard" expert that I am, I can't believe I actually forgot to list a famous scene from each where something got RUINED!

- Possibly the funniest moment ever on "Seinfeld": "Poppy peed on my sofa!" It was especially uproarious because Jerry looks like he's about to burst into laughter because the scene is so funny and he starts spitting everywhere. Now, I'm not listing the "Seinfeld" scene where the toothbrush got dropped in the toilet, because a toothbrush is such a small item.

- There was a hilarious scene on "The Dukes Of Hazzard" where Boss Hogg gambles away all his money in a card game against Rosco. Boss Hogg tried to cheat by taping one of the cards from the deck onto the inside of his suit. But then we see Rosco's dog Flash chewing up the card beyond repair after it has fallen onto the floor. I probably wouldn't list this scene if every card in the deck had gotten ruined - but since the card that got ruined was part of a set that was otherwise undamaged I just had to list it. It's kind of like the deer bookends at Bro$$art.

Saturday, January 17, 2004 01:52 a.m.

More classic TV moments

I can't believe I forgot 2 important classic TV scenes where stuff got RUINED!

- How did I miss this one? Remember on "That '70s Show" when Red Forman's TV got ruined? Eric had all his friends over for a party, and they bounced a bowling ball off the living room floor, and it crashed through the screen on Red's TV!

- I normally wouldn't list a scene from an animated series, since cartoons are so fast-paced and stuff is bound to get ruined in almost every episode. But there's one scene from "The Simpsons" I just couldn't resist: the comic book. In the 13 years since this episode aired I have never forgotten how hilarious it was when Bart, Milhouse, and Martin Prince struggled to find enough money to buy the rare issue #1 of Radioactive Man, only to have the comic book get sucked out of the treehouse in a thunderstorm, mangled by Bart's dog, and struck by lightning, which reduced it to a pile of confetti. "Another comic book returns to the earth from whence it came!"

Friday, January 16, 2004 06:04 p.m.

Baste!

I just thought of something really funny.

If you were in my high school class you understand why this is so funny.

For almost any song we'd make up lyrics that had to do with bastin'. I remember this song by Poison:

We both baste silently still
In the dead of the baste
Although we both baste close together
We baste miles apart inside
Was it somethin' I said or somethin' I basted...

Well, you get the idea.

Friday, January 16, 2004 02:29 a.m.

Classic TV moments

It's cool when stuff gets ruined on TV.

Yes, I said RUIN!!!

That's such a cool word, isn't it?

Anyway, here's a few of my favorite TV scenes where things get ruined:

- Remember on "Seinfeld" when that expensive suede jacket got ruined when it got wet?

- Or how about on "The Brady Bunch" when Jan ruined that portrait by crashing her bike into it because she wasn't wearing her glasses? I think this was the same episode where Alice bubbled, but I'm not sure.

- Remember on "The Dukes Of Hazzard" when Boss Hogg intentionally ruined the felt surface of Uncle Jesse's pool table?

- I recall an episode of "Three's Company" in which Larry's family shows up at Jack's restaurant and ruins all the furnishings.

- A few more from "The Brady Bunch": Cindy ruined her mom's expensive earrings by losing them down inside the washing machine. Alice ruined a prize-winning sculpture by kicking it down with a karate chop when the Brady kids stupidly used it as a prop in a makeshift haunted house or something.

- On "Leave It To Beaver", Beaver ruined a valuable ring by sticking it on his finger when he wasn't allowed to.

- In 5th grade they made us watch some "educational" show on PBS in which some kid accidentally ruined his friend's dinosaur collection by carelessly stepping on it.

- On "Dukes Of Hazzard", Rosco's diary of Boss Hogg's shenanigans got ruined when it went through a shredder.

- On "Seinfeld", Elaine spilled ink or water or something like that on a poster she got for the Maestro - which RUINED it!

It's been ages since I've seen any of these, so my memory is pretty fuzzy for a lot of those. Hopefully I'll think of more!

Monday, January 12, 2004 01:33 a.m.

Escape from Brossart

I had yet another weird "escape from Bro$$art" dream the other night. I wish I could remember all the details. It was yet another in which I was trying since 1987 to escape from the world's most wretched high school.

Saturday, January 10, 2004 12:55 a.m.

Another important anniversary

Guess what happened 15 years ago today?

SOMEBODY SHIT ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR AT BROSSART!!!!!

Wednesday, January 7, 2004 11:36 p.m.

Ish #400!

It's here! It's here! It's here!

Ish #400 of The Last Word is now pub!

Wednesday, January 7, 2004 08:56 p.m.

Ruined!

Ha ha, Judge Judy said "ruined"!

Monday, January 5, 2004 03:53 a.m.

"Chauffeur" is sort of a funny word, but it's not that funny

You know another word that's mildly whimsical, but not downright uproarious like "ruin" is?

"Chauffeur"!

The reason why it's somewhat amusing is that the first time I heard it back when I was about 5 years old I thought it was "show 'Fur'". I thought that by "show 'Fur'" they meant the "Fur" song from "Sesame Street" that was sung by Fozzie Bear or one of the other furry Muppets.

When somebody talked about a rich person having a chauffeur, I thought they meant that the person employed a group of Muppets to regularly perform this song for them.

Earlier I found a Muppets message board that had a massive flamewar about this skit.

Friday, January 2, 2004 06:16 p.m.

Ish #400 is coming!

It won't be long now!

Also I think the Hollerith thing was in 4th grade, not 5th grade. I think it was when we had that one tutor who always yelled, "Don't even!" It's the type of thing that if I had done it in 5th grade it would have been brung up in college along with "science!" and "zero!" and "oh no R2!"

I don't know how I could possibly confuse 4th grade with 5th grade, since that's like saying green is blue.

Anyway, 400 issues of The Last Word in 129 months. So I've averaged a bit more than 3 per month. Wow!

Wednesday, December 31, 2003 02:10 p.m.

A guy named Hollerith

I just thought of something I haven't thought of in about 20 years.

In 5th grade there was some book or worksheet that talked about some important and famous guy whose last name was Hollerith. The height of comic genius was to make fun of the poor guy's name when reading it aloud.

I don't know what made me think of this just now. You had to be there to appreciate it.

Friday, December 26, 2003 12:38 a.m.

Stinky farts: a Christmas tradition

It was either last year or the year before that we had Christmas at my mom's house and somebody kept letting out silent but deadly bunker blasts.

This year at my mom's house was EVEN FUNNIER! Somebody kept releasing silent trouser sneezes that absolutely REEKED!!! These farts smelled like rotten eggs, only more fart-like! I was cracking up laughing the whole time! Nobody admitted to this hilarious bout with flatulence, and no suspects have been indicted for it.

I don't think I've EVER smelled that many farts that smelled that funky all at one occasion. It was just as uproarious as you might imagine! I've smelled individual farts that were stronger, but never this many at one event!

Also, on the way over there, I saw a cop frisking some guy and preparing to arrest him over by Fairfield Coffee Company.

Sunday, December 21, 2003 10:53 p.m.

Fun at Circuit City

I heard a rumor that someone took a Hershey squirt all over a toilet at a Circuit City.

Friday, December 19, 2003 10:50 p.m.

A funny orange juice commersh from years past!

I don't know what made me think of this all of a sudden, but anyway...

I just thought of an orange juice commercial that was on TV in the late '80s or early '90s that was unintentionally hilarious.

It was one of those ads placed by the citrus industry. It showed a person grabbing a container of orange juice and slowly lifting it up to their face to take a sip. You knew it was supposed to be dramatic, because the music bed kept getting louder and faster.

That in itself isn't what was so funny. The funny part was at the end where the person finally has the juice container close to their mouth. The camera angle switches to showing us the container from the viewpoint of the person drinking from it. And then the juice spills from the container! As it's spilling, the scene freezes.

So the viewer sees this goofy still shot of the container ejecting juice towards them!

You really have to see this ad to appreciate how uproarious it looked! I'm sure it wasn't even supposed to be funny - but it was!

I don't know what made me completely forget about that commersh for about 12 years and then just now remember it - but I burst out laughing when I finally recalled it!

Tuesday, December 16, 2003 11:39 p.m.

Johnnypot Rockets

Earlier in the mall area at Newport On The Levee some woman blew a bubble with a big green wad of bubble gum.

Later I went to Johnny Rockets, and it was TERRIBLE! I broke my tooth on a hamburger. Worse yet, my Mello Yello tasted like mud mixed with Pine-Sol. It was truly gross. It was so bad I couldn't drink it. The bathroom, however, was mildly amusing, for it had pee and huge gobs of chewed-up food all over the toilet seat.

Monday, December 15, 2003 03:09 a.m.

I have sinned - not! (Well, maybe I've sinned before, but not this time)

Here's something I've been exploring a lot lately: the double standard that applies inconsistently to the Right and the Left.

The political Right can be explicit in their intent to rake innocents through the coals, and nobody dares to bat an eye. We of the political Left can choose our targets as carefully as possible, and in return we are misrepresented and maligned.

What are we on the left wing supposed to do? Get down on our knees and beg for forgiveness from those who are far more guilty than we are?

Fuck that!

I make no apologies for being a fighter for the underdog. As an adult, I do what is right and make my life meaningful. I'm not some preadolescent bully whose brain atrophied before developing any sense of ethics - like the scoundrels who comprise the New Right.

If the complete lack of ethics of my detractors isn't perfectly clear by now, then remove your noggin from your rectum and wipe the shit from your goggles.

The Last Word has discussed this double standard in recent issues, and I know this blog blogga blog entry will make a good theme for further exploration of this phenomenon in future editions.

By the way you still have time to send in those Last Word memories for our 400th ish!

Sunday, December 14, 2003 06:56 p.m.

The Farty Whiners lost!

The San Francisco 49ers are the team you love to hate!

The Bengals versus the Farty Whiners: the one sporting event I ever look forward to!

After the shitty refereeing when Cincinnati played the 49ers in the Stupor Bowl, it's always satisfying to watch the 49ers LOSE!!!

And lose they did!

I bet the 49ers are a very Republican team. Like the GOPoo, they gloat when they win, they cry like infants when they don't get their way, and the media cheers them endlessly. They even appeal to a wealthy fan base - for working-class people in their home market are usually Raiders fans. I watched the Bengals/49ers game on TV today, and the 49ers played lousy - but threw a fit early in the game when a call went against them.

But since they gloat when they win, I'm gonna be a gloatgoat when they lose.

So, as that kid on "The Simpsons" would say, HA HA!

Also, ish #399 of The Last Word just got pub!

Friday, Dismember 12, 2003 04:14 a.m.

'Tis wa and a force to be reckoned with!

Wa!

Why call it "water" when "wa" takes up less time and space?

When I was about 10 years old I opened the refrigerator to find an empty wa pitcher. "There's no wa!" I declared in a singsong voice. Since our refrigerator was broken it took days for wa to become cold - so after filling the pitcher, I exclaimed, "The wa is warm!" in that same singsong fashion.

Years later, when I worked at the library, one of my coworkers had an asthma attack or something, and then she said, "I need some whiskey and wa!" Apparently there's a Wa Street in Kokomo, IN, because I heard a DJ on a radio station there mention it.

Wa is good for you. Health experts recommend drinking 8 cups of wa daily.

But you know what I hate about wa? It ruins stuff!

Earlier I found wa stains on this big stack of books I have sitting here. I don't know how the wa got there, since it had dried by the time I found the stains. The edge of where the wa was made this brownish stain on the pages.

At least I assume it's wa.

This incident ought to teach you to respect wa! Wa may be found where you least expect it, so always be on the lookout for wa!

Wednesday, December 10, 2003 02:49 a.m.

Weird dreams

Ever have really weird dreams?

Recently I had a dream that I went on a trip to California with my brother, one of my school friends, and Bill Cosby. We flew there on a jet from Cincinnati. Bill Cosby accompanied us because Bush had barked out an executive order requiring everyone traveling within the country to have a "celebrity sponsor". During the flight, the pilot repeatedly assaulted passengers, and after circling Cincinnati by flying 20 feet above I-275, we were thrown off the flight, and the pilot hit us with a metal tape measure.

In another dream, there was a "Celebrity Daredevils" special on TV in which famous entertainers (including Glenn Frey) tried to ride a bicycle over the Grand Canyon. The show was hosted by John Madden, and he would say, "Boom!" whenever a celebrity fell to their death.

The meaning of those dreams has yet to be determined.

Some dreams have an obvious meaning. A few months ago - in real life, not in a dream - I joined a website for alumnuses of the Campbell County Schools, despite having been expelled from the entire school system in 7th grade. (It took 6 tries before they stopped believing all the lies about my alleged evilness and let me keep my account.) The reason I joined was to reestablish myself as part of the local public schools and try to overcome the abuse I suffered at private schools - which was far worse than in any public school I attended.

Around this time I had a dream that I was back in high school at Brossart, and that each day I would sneak off to Campbell County High School, change into a normal set of clothes, and attend classes there instead of Brossart. Brossart, of course, was a hell on earth in real life - and it's no different in dreams. In this dream, I was finally called to the office at CCHS at the end of the school year, and I was lectured about the impropriety of attending classes there despite not being enrolled. But they also assured me that the classes would count because I had already taken them - and that I could live happily ever after.

There's no disputing that if real life had happened that way I'd be much better off now. If I had been caught, what's the worst thing that could have possibly happened? It might have made a good News Of The Weird story, and I'd probably have to appear in juvenile court, but I can't imagine that the punishment would be too severe (but in this right-wing county, you never know).

Fifteen years after Brossart, I often have violent nightmares about this sorry excuse for a high school. I often have dreams where I rebel against school authority - sometimes using realistic methods that should have come naturally in real life.

I have a recurring dream where I habitually skip certain classes at Brossart. I had this dream again last night, and this time it touched on social life as well - as if to symbolize Bro$$art's constant interference in that.

This blog blog blogga blog blogga blog can be a useful venue for describing strange dreams. Attempts will be made to interpret them and act upon the lessons they seem to provide.

Monday, December 8, 2003 02:02 p.m.

"Disaster" is a funny word

You know another funny word (besides "ruin" and "viaduct" and "luncheon")?

"Disaster"!

The first time I remember hearing the word "disaster": once when I was about 5 years old some road on the border of Newport and Woodlawn got torn down to make room for I-471, and I described it to a family member.

The reply: "Is it a disaster?"

"Yes."

"No it isn't. It's not a disaster unless it kills someone."

So disasters really aren't funny. The word "disaster" may be funny, but disasters sure aren't!

It's possible I saw the word "disaster" earlier on one of those warning signs you see along roads (you know, the yellow diamond signs) and thought it had something to do with highway construction. Kind of like how I thought "artillery" had something to do with the post office because the blue uniforms worn by soldiers in a Playmobil set resembled those of mail carriers.

Wednesday, December 3, 2003 02:54 a.m.

Ain't PTSD fun?

Ain't it fun to have complex post-traumatic stress disorder, folks?

Because of this dreadful condition, I'm awake at 3 AM regaling you with great blog entries such as this! Aren't you thankful?

You know, I just love discussing gum. I never chew the damn stuff nowadays. Even chewing chicken for too long causes my jaw to become stiff. But the more you think about the existence of gum, the funnier it is.

I've actually met a few people who also enjoyed talking about gum - but it was usually they who brang the topic up.

The Internet even has a "gum cult"! At one point, I counted about 15 different Yahoo groups dealing with various aspects of this devious crusty viand. And they're all pretty fucking funny!

As you know, every time someone blows a bubble in public, I mention it in this blog the moment the opportunity presents itself. A vast majority of bubblers spotted in public are adults, dispelling the myth that bubble gum is a juvenile hobby. I thought of another exception to my rule about mentioning all public bubblings: professional baseball players sighted at ball games, as they can usually be expected to bubble throughout. Another exception would be the drummer for the Dave Matthews Band, who also has a habit of bubbling.

Also, ish #399 of The Last Word is approaching!

Friday, November 28, 2003 02:59 p.m.

Same time, same place, same channel!

The woman who bubbled on May 13 bubbled again - yes, at the exact same place as last time!

Monday, November 24, 2003 02:31 p.m.

Congressional campaign called off

Today I decided to cancel my plan to run for U.S. House from Kentucky's 4th District, because the right-winger who currently holds that seat is retiring. Actually Ken Lucas is a Democrat but he's somewhere to the right of Monty Burns - although I voted for him in 1998 because the only other choice was that one-man comedy act known as Gex Williams. (I had planned on running then, but some assholes decided to start their negative campaigning a bit early.)

I haven't decided yet whether Nick Clooney is too conservative for me to endorse, but at least now there will be somebody new on the ballot.

I haven't ruled out running a write-in campaign for some other office though.

Thursday, November 20, 2003 06:35 p.m.

Guess what I saw at Kroger today?

You guessed it!

Some woman blew a bubble with bubble gum!

Also, since the 400th edition of The Last Word is coming up, I'm taking comments from fans who want to share their memories of this legendary left-wing zine. E-mail me at the address at the top of this page to submit your Last Word memories!

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 09:39 p.m.

Vandalizing toilets is funny

Since this is Plop Day, what better day to publish a new ish of The Last Word, a zine that for 11 years has openly celebrated principled toilet vandalism in the world's school buildings?

I think this is, uh, issue #398?

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 03:54 a.m.

Plop plop fizz fizz...

Guess what happened 15 years ago today?

THE PLOP LECTURE!!!!!!!!!!

Wow! Fifteen years! Can you believe it?

And the Brossart Taliban still has shown no remorse. And neither do I for putting that Republican campaign flyer in the toilet there when I was a sophomore.

Sunday, November 16, 2003 02:16 a.m.

I think I'm moving to Louisiana!

As that kid on "The Simpsons" likes to say: HA HA!

As political junkies may know, Louisiana often has its elections on a different day from other states. This year, their election was Saturday (yesterday).

Nobody expected the Grand Old Potty to lose there, since they held a commanding lead in almost every pre-election survey. But guess what?

That's right, folks!

They got DEMOLISHED!!!

This is probably the biggest crack in their one-party rule since Newt Gingrich resigned in disgrace 5 years ago.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003 12:49 a.m.

Bad teeth are cool

How come people nowadays get mad at people who have bad teeth?

Bad teeth are quite attractive! Back in the '70s and '80s everyone loved people who had bad teeth.

As a famous poet once said: Why go bonkers when you have fucked-up chompers?!

Wednesday, November 5, 2003 09:12 p.m.

Someone bubbled at Ponderosa

Earlier at Ponderosa some woman kept blowing bubbles with bubble gum.

Tuesday, November 4, 2003 10:26 p.m.

Covert war on Covert Run Pike!

I remember back in 1994 when NKU shed crocodile tears when The Last Word encouraged a "covert rebellion" against conservatism (since NKU doesn't have a First Amendment).

Just now, Oscar was getting hungry again so I had to go out and feed him some more!

To protest the Republicans' predictable theft of the "election", I bundled up yet more trash and took a ride on the ol' Extremist out on Covert Run Pike!

Usually I really do try to be covert. But this time I got more daring.

I trekked almost to the border with Fort Thomas, near where it starts to get spooky, then as I turned around and started speeding back downhill at 20 MPH, I let that bag of trash smack the pavement with all its might!

I could see a person gazing at me from their yard, but care I did not. Let them be a witness to this beefy protest against fascism.

Oh. These protests are gonna keep happening. Thought I'd let you know.

Tuesday, November 4, 2003 09:13 p.m.

Just got home from feeding Oscar!

"Tim, you didn't!"

Yes I did!

"No, you're kidding, right?"

Uh, no I'm not.

That's right, folks!

I just got home from taking out the trash!!!

Check out Dodd Drive in Dayton, KY. See that big plastic grocery bag full of empty RC bottles and tuna can lids?

You know how that got there??? Ask Ernie "The Truth Stretcher" Fletcher how it got there!!!

Tuesday, November 4, 2003 08:08 p.m.

8:08 update: Time to take out the trash!

What are we waiting for???

It's Trash Day!!!

See ya on Dodd!

Tuesday, November 4, 2003 07:44 p.m.

7:44 update: Where did those 44,000 votes come from, Ernie?

Uh, where did that come from???

That's caused 2% to become 8% within 3 minutes.

Like I said, mark my words.

Oscar's getting hungry (if you know what I mean).

Tuesday, November 4, 2003 07:36 p.m.

7:36 update: Chandler winning Boyd County by 15%

Yes!!!

You ask, Who cares about just one county?

When it's Boyd County, I care!

Tuesday, November 4, 2003 07:29 p.m.

7:29 update: Chandler won at least 3 counties!

Carter, Lawrence, and Elliott! Yay!

They just mentioned it on TV!

(And Pike County too.)

Tuesday, November 4, 2003 07:22 p.m.

7:22 update: Assholciated Press blows it again! (Imagine that!)

With only 33% of precincts reporting, with the GOPstapo winning by only 2%, and with votes from Western Kentucky just now starting to be counted, they declare Fletcher the winner?!

Huh?!

Tuesday, November 4, 2003 07:09 p.m.

7:09 update: Galbraith up to 14%!

Gatewood Galbraith is doing better than expected, that's for sure!

Also, the Democrats seem to be doing a hell of a lot better than expected in the rural areas.

Tuesday, November 4, 2003 06:44 p.m.

6:44 update: RethugniKKKans still up by 1%

The GOPstapo hasn't made many inroads in the past few minutes.

But count on them stealing the "election" this way:

The Republican counties (even the ones in the Eastern Time Zone that closed their polls earlier) will wait until the very last minute to see how many votes they need to pile on to win.

This happens almost without fail somewhere in America on every Election Day. It happened in the U.S. Senate election in Kentucky in 1998.

THAT'S how the RethugniKKKans will pull it off. Mark my words.

Tuesday, November 4, 2003 06:35 p.m.

6:35 update: The Republicans are getting their asses kicked!!!

This is gonna be kind of like a football game, with me giving the score every few minutes - except this actually affects people's lives.

Well, the polls haven't closed yet in the western part of Kentucky, and Fletcher is only leading by 1% - before the western counties (which are mostly Democratic) are even counted.

Tuesday, November 4, 2003 11:50 a.m.

The fraud begins

You know the results of the "election" are gonna be bad when they move the polling place in a heavily Democratic precinct without telling anyone beforehand, thus preventing votes against Republicans from being cast. I went down to vote, and I discovered they had moved the polling place to a different building, and I had to hunt all around for it.

And lo! I was the only person voting! Guess that's what happens when nobody can find the polling place.

Did this happen in other places too? I'd bet this is a pattern repeated across the state to suppress votes against the GOPstapo.

Just as suspicious, when I tried voting for Gatewood Galbraith for Attorney General, I had to press the button about 5 times before it registered.

Unless you're a Republican, your vote probably has about a 50/50 chance of counting. I'll try to keep you posted on the "official" results this evening.

Monday, November 3, 2003 10:00 p.m.

The final straw

Do you ever take a straw and blow bubbles in your beverage?

This is one activity that's always been a barrel of laughs!

I did this in the school cafeteria in 5th grade. I'd blow bubbles in my milk carton with the straw until the milk foamed to the top of the carton and streamed down the sides.

On a family trip to Chicago when I was 23 we did this at a Denny's restaurant to protest being shooed away from a miniature golf course.

And earlier this evening, my brother's girlfriend did this at Margarita's. She blew into her iced tea with her straw until the beverage almost overflowed the glass and cascaded onto the table.

One of the funniest things that's happened all year!

Saturday, November 1, 2003 02:06 a.m.

Gatewood Galbraith for Attorney General

I am endorsing Gatewood Galbraith (independent) for Kentucky Attorney General in Tuesday's election.

Other than that, I'm voting straight ticket Democratic.

Friday, October 31, 2003 09:08 p.m.

Ernie Fletcher's favorite Halloween costume

I bet Ernie Fletcher's favorite Halloween costume is a ghost, because he already has the white sheet.

Wednesday, October 29, 2003 10:51 p.m.

Wow! 3 issues in one month!

The Last Word hasn't had this much action in 4 years!

I just put out yet another Last Word - the second issue in 3 days.

Wednesday, October 29, 2003 08:04 p.m.

Ben Chandler for Governor

I've made up my mind.

I know Ben Chandler is WAAAAAAAAAAY too conservative for me, but he's the only choice.

If you're as fed up as I am with Ernie "Hey Bert" Fletcher's crap, then I encourage you to vote for Chandler.

If Chandler wins, I hope I don't end up regretting my vote in case he ever does anything harebrained - but you know Fletcher would be a lot worse.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003 11:25 p.m.

My big announcement

I have a big announcement coming up, and it has to do with elections.

I figure that if Arn...well, you'll just have to wait and see.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003 01:13 a.m.

More about Ernie "The Truth Stretcher" Fletcher

This guy's out of control.

I know they've got the "election" pretty much decided, but after reading about Ernie's racist hired thugs, I'm not going to sit this one out after all. Just about ANYONE would be MUCH better than this silly clown.

Even if it comes down to voting for a write-in, that's what I'll do to vote for ANYONE other than Fletcher.

You were a lot cleverer on "Sesame Street", Ernie.

Sunday, October 26, 2003 07:09 p.m.

Another ish!

Another new ish of The Last Word just came out!

Of course, it's not online at the moment, because CuteFTP was taken over by a bunch of greedheads so I can no longer upload it using CuteFTP, and every other FTP program I've tried so far doesn't work. Hopefully I'll have it up by the end of the day.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003 11:33 p.m.

Another celeb look-alike!

Earlier at Famous Recipe there was a guy eating in there who looked EXACTLY like Dick Cheney! He even wore a suit and tie!

Afterward at Kroger some woman bubbled (surprise, surprise).

Wednesday, October 22, 2003 01:33 a.m.

Ernie "The Truth Stretcher" Fletcher

What a beezweezer.

Monday, October 20, 2003 12:21 p.m.

Don't sass your Elder-Beerman!

I heard a rumor that a filthy bathroom was discovered at an Elder-Beerman department store. Three toilets there were absolutely covered with shit.

Thursday, October 16, 2003 02:24 p.m.

Ever notice how many celebrity look-alikes there are? Don't ya just hate that?

Today at Kroger in Bellevue, I saw the FUNNIEST celebrity look-alike I've seen in a LONG time!

There was some old man browsing the bread aisle who looked EXACTLY like Andy Rooney! (You know, the guy on "60 Minutes" who complains about stuff.) I mean, he looked just like him!

I bit my lip to avoid bursting into laughter, but I had a hard time not snickering.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003 12:58 p.m.

What's juicier than a Hot 'n' Juicy? Gum, that's what

Earlier at the Wendy's in Newport some woman who went in there to eat bubbled - then she bubbled again when she was pulling out of the parking lot.

Sunday, October 12, 2003 10:53 p.m.

It's fun to burn stuff

I love to burn stuff!

We had a tradition that around every Fourth of July from 1989 to about 1996 we would burn piles and piles of garbage. It started with my high school papers the first year and expanded to include all types of household waste. The tradition slowly died after we were forced to delay one of our bonfires a full year because we couldn't find a place to do it - but today we conducted an impromptu campfire at A.J. Jolly County Park!

After using an expired coupon to purchase our food at Famous Recipe, we were sorely disappointed when we showed up at the park to find the camping area closed, since they told us on the phone it would be open until the end of October. (It's warm enough for bees to be swarming the park, but it's not warm enough to keep the camping area open?) So we defied this Allowed Cloud and built our fire in one of the grills near the park entrance.

It turned out to be probably our best bonfire in 7 years!

We started out small, burning plastic Kroger bags, newspapers with Ernie Fletcher on them, and ear plugs. But we quickly came across an old pair of eyeglasses, a mousepad, and a lid of a baby food jar to burn. Then things really got wild, as we burned an old lamp - complete with lampshade.

We then incinerated old pairs of shoes and slippers, a large styrofoam cooler, a curling iron, two dried-up containers of shoe polish, and a phone book.

But the event roared to its peak when we tossed an ancient Packard Bell computer into the blaze. The machine gugged and sputtered as its metal innards turned the blaze green, blue, purple, pink, yellow, and white. The fire was so hot that it began to melt the metal grill that contained it. The plume of smoke it produced was admirable.

The computer is one of the largest items we've ever burned at one of our campfires. We once burned a TV that had washed ashore from the lake, and we once oxidized a large kitchen table with a formica surface - but pound for pound the computer was more intense.

We went on to burn old ketchup packets, a coat hanger, and a large doormat, and we shoved magazines down inside the burnt shell of the computer and lit them ablaze to sip away what was left of the machine. We even burned some empty soft drink bottles with the caps on, so they would explode in the fire.

We placed what remained of the burned computer in the garbage can for the next patron of A.J. Jolly County Park to notice when they dispose of their own waste. Even funnier, we left the remains of the lamp on the now-ruined grill after the fire was extinguished - so the next person who uses it will see a burned lamp.

It's a shame we can't do this more often, but with the ravages of capitalism affording us too little time and too little space, what else can we expect in postdemocratic America?

Monday, October 11, 2003 08:24 p.m.

Peeing is cool

Earlier some kid peed in the alley next to my apartment building.

Also I put out issue #395 of The Last Word today.

Tuesday, October 7, 2003 11:40 p.m.

Thanks, Republicans, for yet another rigged "election"

I checked CNN's site 40 minutes ago, right when the polls closed in California, with 1% of precincts reporting, and with the recall losing by 15 points, and they already projected that the recall had passed???

Doesn't anyone else see what should be plainly obvious - namely, that the "elections" are rigged?

Anyone who can't see it has their head so far up their ass that digestive juices are burning their eyes.

Tuesday, October 7, 2003 05:32 p.m.

Back to school?!

A couple of days ago I filled out a student loan application for the new community college in Covington.

I'd like to see how many decades they're gonna go back to dredge up excuses why I shouldn't be allowed to go to school this time.

Sunday, October 5, 2003 05:04 p.m.

Highlights of Michigan visit

Here's some highlights of our one-day tour of eastern Michigan on October 4:

We took I-75 from Cincinnati to Toledo and the US 23 freeway to Ann Arbor. I know the MTR nerds are chomping at the bit to be regaled with every detail of whether US 23 is up to Interstate standards, but they'll have to see for themselves whether US 23 near Cone Road is wide enough or straight enough or has an adequate median where it goes under that one overpass.

We continued on I-94 to the west side of Ann Arbor and Huron Street downtown to marvel at the city's small skyscrapers, north to where someone painted "BUSH IS LYING" on a railroad trestle, up US 23 to North Territorial, and back south to MI 14 to I-94 west. We ate lunch at Metzger's German Restaurant - to the deep disappointment of the MTR clique that thinks the restaurant exists solely for their meet next weekend.

Go to Hell. I mean it.

No, not THAT hell - but the remote village of Hell, MI. We took minor roads up to Hell and eventually we took MI 52 up to Perry. Though many side roads are unpaved, most major Michigan roads appear adequate, with wide shoulders and all. But MI 52 in Perry was plagued by an indecipherable detour through the town.

We then took I-69 through Flint and MI 53 to Michigan's Thumb. We took a minor road through Ubly - a word that describes most of the MTR autocrats if you replace the "b" with a "g" - to MI 25, where we continued south along Lake Huron. From Port Huron we took I-94 to Detroit. We continued on the Lodge Freeway in downtown Detroit, where someone had spraypainted a goofy picture of a guy's balding visage on a wall at an overpass and labeled it "PHIL COLLINS".

We took I-75 most of the way home from Detroit through Ohio. At the rest area near Bowling Green we noticed that someone had carved "FUCK ME IN OHIO" on the bathroom wall.

We ate supper at a McDonald's in Wapakoneta, and I discovered that someone had evidently locked one of the stall doors in the restroom and crawled out of the stall underneath the door, leaving it locked with nobody in it.

It was late at night by then, and we took a side trip on OH 119 to Minster for their Oktoberfest, but since it was about 25° F outside we didn't stay long to enjoy the drunken crowd.

A good time was had on our Michigan visit - and the MTR tyrants missed it! Ha ha!

Sunday, October 5, 2003 02:36 p.m.

Fuck next week! I'm going to Ann Arbor a week early!

Yesterday my brother and I drove to Ann Arbor - instead of waiting until the Roads Scholar meet next Saturday.

Ha ha, you dumbfuck MTR nerds! You weren't invited to this little event!

The MTR dumbfuckocracy missed our drive through Ann Arbor and Hell and Flint and the Thumb and Detroit AND Oktoberfest in Minster, OH - because they weren't invited! I was. They weren't.

Ha ha, losers!

Wednesday, October 1, 2003 07:38 p.m.

The countdown to Ann Arbor begins: 10 days!

Since the right-wing fucks up in Michigan won't let me attend my own Roads Scholar meet in Cincinnati this Saturday, I'm crashing their meet in Ann Arbor on the following Saturday.

They crash my meet, so I crash theirs. Fair is fair.

I hear Greyhound has some real deals for Ann Arbor. I'm just afraid of looking suspicious if I don't bring any luggage (since it's just for one day).

Tuesday, September 30, 2003 10:33 p.m.

There's a killer on a rampage...

Last night I went on a big rampage through Bellevue and Newport running traffic lights and swearing and plowing down trash cans, because I was mad. I tore my knee all to hell.

Monday, September 29, 2003 12:55 a.m.

Atari 800 was cool

Atari 800 was cool. It was the first computer I ever had, back when I was 9 years old.

I was reminded of it because of George Plimpton's old Intellivision commercials. I still have my Atari 800, but I'm afraid to use it to see if it still works. It lasted 12 years before I got a new computer. It still infuriates me that they never came out with Burgertime or Parsec for the Atari 800 though.

There was this one guy at Gerner's in the Newport Shopping Center who used to give these computer lessons back when I was about 10, but it turned out that I knew more about computers than he did.

Gerner's was also the first place I remember seeing headless mannequins, which was when I was about 2 or 3. Headless mannequins were the only thing I was afraid of when I was very young. (I don't know why an electronics store had mannequins. Maybe it wasn't Gerner's, but Behr's next door, since they were a clothes store or something.) Finally when I was about 5, I accidentally pulled a mannequin down on top of me at a store, and then I realized they were pretty much harmless.

Friday, September 26, 2003 09:28 p.m.

Pooing is cool

Indeed it is.

Monday, September 22, 2003 08:55 p.m.

Take this, assholes: I rescued my HD

Today I defied the assholes who sent me that virus by installing the HD from the computer that was destroyed as the Local Disk in my new machine.

The world really dodged a bullet this time.

I guess things will get back to normal now.

Sunday, September 21, 2003 07:52 p.m.

Someone owes me $1,052.08

Lovely! Just lovely!

Remember that crap I was getting in e-mail the other day?

Well, that was a virus sent to members of populist and progressive e-mail lists.

I had to buy a whole new computer today because of it.

Friday, September 19, 2003 12:36 a.m.

Stupid fucking dumb spammers have nothing better to do than e-mail the same 150 KB mail 100 times so it fries AntiVirus

Fucking spammer idiots!

When I say I don't want on your spam list, I mean I don't want on your spam list!!!

Is that so fucking hard to understand?!

These greedy fucks fried my AntiVirus software by sending out their crap a zillion times, so now when I try to run AntiVirus, it says, "Memory access violation in module kernel32 blah blah blah..."

Wednesday, September 17, 2003 09:39 p.m.

Kentucky's for you...you you you (pow!)

Guess what?

Anyone familiar with my outdoor work assignment and the headers of earlier blog entries can probably figure out what the latest header means.

That's right!

Today I biked another 43 miles to finish up Kentucky - thus completing all of my outdoor assignment for this year! What took 60 sessions last year took 25 this year.

Today I did what was probably the biggest area I've ever done in one day. I did Kenton Vale, which took about 2 minutes, then continued on the crumbling KY 17 and then Old KY 17 to what maps used to call Maurice Station. I came back out on KY 17 and went north again, and I found a ruined Limp Bizkit CD on the road near the White Castle plant.

I braved the orange barrels to the connecting road in Latonia and then finished the large portion of Taylor Mill that's in my quadrant. I saw that someone carved the words "FUCK KENTUCKY ALL TO HELL" in the sidewalk near the northeast corner of Grand and Taylor Mill Road.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 06:45 p.m.

What's funnier than somebody bubbling? Somebody bubbling at Sunoco!

When I was on the way to work today, the friendly cashier at Sunoco in Crescent Springs kept blowing bubbles with bubble gum.

I did 44 miles today, finishing up everything on Dixie Highway to the southwest corner of my turf - including parts of Florence and Elsmere. Florence is the furthest place from Bellevue in my territory. I went in a McDonald's there to pee, and I discovered that someone had pissed all over the floor in the men's room. In the eating area, a young woman spilled an entire Coke all over the floor.

Friday, September 12, 2003 10:39 p.m.

More bad drivers

There are bad drivers - and there are bad drivers.

It's gonna be at least a 4-way tie for Monthly Moron Motorist for September, and we've still got 18 days to go.

Today at the end of work I almost fell victim to a repeat of the Bromley-Crescent Springs Road assault of 2 years ago - only this time the assailant was even more flagrant.

In any event, I did 51 miles today, including most of Erlanger and into that little sliver of Boone County that's in my turf. I did the remaining part of Dudley Road at the end of the day, and on northbound KY 17 (near the Speedway station) on the way home is where I encountered the forces of evil.

This time I was on the shoulder - or what remains of the shoulder in the road's present condition. A van bearing the name of a reportedly respectable local business sped up behind me and swerved onto the shoulder, and it came within about an inch of hitting me. I, in turn, came within about an inch of being forced off the shoulder and into the ditch.

I got their license plate number, and the police were called immediately. The incident will be followed up on by me to make sure an arrest was made. This time there's no excuse not to make an arrest, because they got the plate number.

Thursday, September 11, 2003 10:10 p.m.

They've gone and grabbed old Ronnie...He's not the only one...

When you look at a music chart from the days of my youth, you'll see that almost every tune on there was a great song. Look at a music chart from today, and almost everything is crap.

One endearing characteristic of the Shell station at 30th & Decoursey in Latonia is the music system that treats customers to those lovely old tunes. Last year I heard it play "Learning To Fly" by Tom Petty, which I hadn't heard in about 10 years. Today I heard a song that's heard even more infrequently: Through the noise of the traffic, I thought I detected the intro of "It's A Mistake" by Men At Work. Sure enough, I was soon graced with the words "Jump down the shelters to get away..."

It brang back many fond memories!

Since I was going to dinner with family members this evening, I didn't continue with Erlanger today but instead did Latonia and northern Taylor Mill, because it's easy to get to. (This leaves the sparsely populated area southwest of Latonia as the only area within Covington city limits that I have yet to do.) I only did 29 miles - and it was SLOW because I felt so weak.

I encountered another reminder of those great Men At Work years: the site of the old WCLU radio station!

On the way back on Madison, I found a broken Tantric CD and a partially burned Avant CD.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 10:16 p.m.

It was a sunny day - but I saw the moon

And I don't mean the moon that's in the sky.

Today I did 39 miles for my work assignment, including most of the remainder of Edgewood and part of Erlanger. It was all I could bear in the stifling heat. Heat stroke would have been certain if I had continued.

The restroom jinx was finally broken, even if only barely - in a McDonald's, of all places. I stopped by the Ron McDon on US 25 and noticed that someone had covered the toilet seat in the men's room with pee-soaked toilet paper.

At Silver Lake Park there was a group of kids playing basketball, and one of them pulled down his trousers and mooned the others.

Later a young woman bubbled as she breezed past on her bike.

Tuesday, September 9, 2003 09:32 p.m.

The number 48 is funny

The number 48 is funny because "Sesame Street" has always been shown on Channel 48. Therefore it is customary that whenever the number 48 is mentioned in speech, it is spoken in a voice imitating that of Ernie.

So today was a funny day for one reason: I biked 48 miles for work!

I did all of Edgewood between Turkeyfoot Road and the steep hill a few miles east on Dudley. Edgewood runs a close second to Villa Hills in frustration level. Well, Delhi Township ranks pretty high too. I saw lots of TERRIBLE driving today!

I found an old ripped-up map of New Jersey from 1968 laying along Turkeyfoot Road. Last year at Presidents Park, I noticed that someone had drawn a penis on a 7-Up machine, but that machine was apparently removed.

At the end of the day I did Orphanage Road. Although it's rare that I eat at Arby's, I've actually done so 2 days in a row now. Today I had dinner at the one on KY 17, and some kid spilled an entire soft drink all over the floor there.

Monday, September 8, 2003 09:29 p.m.

Clean restrooms: a big source of disappointment

When you visit an Arby's you have a right to expect the bathroom to be in complete shambles.

This is also true of McDonald's, Subway, Kentucky Fried Chicken, or any other fast food restaurant.

But in recent weeks I have been disappointed by the cleanliness and lack of vandalism at fast food lavatories.

Often on my lunch break I'll bop into a fast food place with a big grin on my face, expecting to go into the restroom to find poop in the sink or a bowling shoe in the toilet. But instead I've been let down.

Today was no exception. I stopped at two different Arby's to pee or eat or both, and both times I came up empty for bathroom mischief - although the one in Crescent Springs was amusing because there was a John Ashcroft look-alike eating in the dining area.

I also set a record at work today: 54.82 miles! I finished torturing myself in Villa Hills, then I zipped down ButterMILK Pike to Crestview Hills, which I completed, and I started on Edgewood. On the way home I did the south part of Highland Pike, and I noticed that someone had vomited all over KY 17.

Also on Saturday I was able to put out the 11th annual back-to-school ish of The Last Word.

Friday, September 5, 2003 08:59 p.m.

Was Squire Oaks Drive named after Billy Squier?

Today was about as exciting as watching shit dry.

I did 46 miles, including more of Fort Mitchell (including what was the separate city of Crescent Park before Fort Mitchell ate it several years ago), all of Crescent Springs, and part of Villa Hills - including part of the Squire Oaks area, home of the golf cart jerk. When I stopped for lunch at Subway there was a Joe Montana look-alike eating in there. In the subdivision around Sierra there were at least 3 stop signs with gum stuck on them.

The suffocating conformity of Villa Hills - likely Northern Kentucky's richest and most politically conservative suburb - gnawed at my soul and weakened my resolve.

After that I zipped down Kyles Lane, which for bicyclists is one MEAN road (especially at rush hour)! On the way home through Covington, I found a broken Notorious B.I.G. CD laying in the street.

I saw 2 different people bubbling today.

Thursday, September 4, 2003 08:35 p.m.

Speeding is fun

Don't people know how to fucking drive anymore?

Don't parents teach their kids not to play in the road anymore?

I put in about a dozen good hours out in the field at work today, and (because my assignments are becoming more suburban) I saw more bad driving and other dangerous behavior than I've seen in a while. I also set a new record: 51.59 miles!

I did most of Fort Mitchell and all of Lakeside Park. Despite the shitty motoring skills of others, I managed to safely shatter posted speed limits while biking. I did 27.5 MPH in a 20 MPH zone on East Lakeside. I took Henry Clay Road in Fort Wright on the way home, and I did 28.0 MPH in what was probably either a 20 or 25 MPH zone. This is the first time I've biked that fast since 2 years ago today when I set my record of 32 MPH (which was on the same day as the famed Bromley-Crescent Springs hit-and-run).

I can control a bike at speeds far above what is posted, yet I keep seeing idiots who can't control a fucking car regardless of how high the speed limit is?

Despite my spirit of outlaw glamor, I resisted the temptation to breeze through stop signs that were erected even though the only intersecting "road" is a driveway for some rich person's mansion.

Wednesday, September 3, 2003 08:16 p.m.

Fuckin' punks!

Earlier one of my neighbors got in an argument with some kids who kept throwing batteries at full beer bottles in the alley and breaking them.

"I GOTTA DRIVE DOWN THIS FUCKIN' ALLEY!" the man yelled. "FUCKIN' PUNKS!"

Then this one boy who was about 10 years old yelled back at the man, "FUCKIN' FAT ASS!"

'Twas kinda neat!

Monday, September 1, 2003 07:54 p.m.

Weather almost spoils Riverfest (again)

Ruining Riverfest - or Rip-off-fest, as I call it - is kind of like shitting on a turd. The Taliban already ruined it years ago when they banned alcohol to make it "family friendly" and began pawing through everyone's possessions.

Fortunately, by leaving Cincinnati, Covington, and Newport to the wusses every Labor Day weekend, anybody who knows how to party is chased into Bellevue so I can enjoy the event with them. Despite dire predictions of heavy rain, I was able to watch the fireworks last night. Count on Bellevue City Clowncil destroying Riverfest in future years because people dared to have a good time.

I went on a little car trip today. My mom wanted to see the much-ballyhooed Mineola Stink, so I took her to see it (and smell it).

We went out KY 8 to Constance and up Point Pleasant and Mineola Road (where they paved over the groove I made in the fresh asphalt with my bike), and up Dolwick, where we briefly detected the Mineola Stink. We zipped down Mineola to Donaldson, up KY 212 and KY 20 to see what's left of Hossman Road (which they're cutting off for the new airport runway), stopping for lunch in Hebron, then continuing down KY 237 to KY 8. We went west on KY 8, which trails off into a dead end, then back east to Constance - where we got out of the car and rode Anderson Ferry to the Ohio bank of the river and back - and up KY 371. This almost confirms my suspicion that the Mineola Stink originates at the sewage plant, because the nose-burning stench became unbearable as we went past the facility. We followed the route to Dixie Highway and then went south on Turkeyfoot and continued on Independence Station Road and then north on the new divided highway that carries KY 17.

Friday, August 29, 2003 10:22 a.m.

Brian Hamrick said the magic word!

Wanna hear something really funny?

A couple days ago I was watching the news on Channel 5 (which I usually view because Channel 5 has most of the good court shows) and Brian Hamrick was reporting from a house that some kids had broken into and vandalized.

He held up a broken lamp for the viewers and said, "This was a lamp. It's ruined now."

Hear that everyone? It's RUINED now!

Tuesday, August 26, 2003 08:52 p.m.

Bastin' away again in Margaritaville...

Earlier I went to the so-called party outside the Jimmy Buffett concert at Riverbend. I didn't actually go into the concert - just the party.

The right-wing Taliban has cracked down on the event so much that I hesitate to call it a party. It looked more like a church festival - or maybe like the Covington Mardi Gras after the assholes ruined that. The whole place was basically dead.

On the way over there, my brother's girlfriend kept blowing bubbles with bubble gum.

Later at the party I saw some woman sitting in a van who kept bubbling.

Monday, August 25, 2003 07:35 p.m.

NKU quakes in its jackboots!

Today I got up bright and early to see the demolition of the old Shortway Bridge.

Then I worked!

This was one of the hottest days yet for my outdoor project, and still I was able to go for 7 hours and bike 34 miles before heat stroke started to set in! (This works out to under 5 MPH, but remember, this includes terrain and observing map features close-up.)

I did Park Hills, NKU Covington Campus, most of Fort Wright, and part of Fort Mitchell. I'm waiting for the Covington Police to kick my door in for "trespassing" after being on the grounds of one of Nazi Klansman University's campuses.

Some woman standing at the bus stop in front of Speedway on Dixie Highway blew a bubble with bubble gum.

I did Fort Wright down to the road to the CPH concentration camp, one of reaganbush's torture facilities for young dissidents. Had there not been so many extralegal detentions and forced druggings of rebellious 16-year-olds, maybe nobody would have ever thought of the elder Bush as a dictator. When I did this area last year I saw that it wasn't called CPH anymore, and it's unclear whether it's still being used as a concentration camp.

I went down Highland on the way home, and for some reason, people don't know how to drive when confronted by this road. Whenever I pulled off onto the meager shoulder (which was narrower than my bike tires), they'd slow down as if they never saw a bike ever before in their lives.

Thursday, August 21, 2003 10:47 p.m.

A question for the know-it-alls

A question: Why is it that nowadays we're forced to wade through a bunch of drooling idiots all day?

How come the average person's IQ seems to be slipping almost daily (if election surveys are any indication)?

What horrible sin did I commit in order to justify being exposed to it constantly?

Is this all just my imagination, or are people REALLY significantly dumber than they used to be? Is it just an illusion amplified by the media?

People can't really be so stupid that it's possible for a total idiot whose issue positions are almost diametrically opposed to the interests of the average person to be elected to a statewide office without the election being rigged. It just can't be. It's very difficult even to conceive of stupidity of such enormous magnitude afflicting such a large percentage of people.

If people are so dumb that they can't figure out when a candidate for public office doesn't have their interests in mind, even if the candidate's past actions have been staring them squarely in the face for years, then they should do themselves a favor by staying home on Election Day. Trust me, it's for their own good.

And if people really are that stupid, then what is the cause of it? The media? A shitty education system? Is it environmental? Since my education was shittier than that of most people, why am I immune to becoming stupid?

If you're reading this then you're probably pretty smart, so I'm preaching to the choir here. In fact, I haven't been personally acquainted with too many stupid people in recent years. But be warned: They're out there! Stupid people are like cockroaches under the woodwork, and elections and certain news events are like food crumbs that bring them out from their hiding spot to shit all over your dining room.

Thursday, August 21, 2003 08:25 p.m.

The drudgery continues

"Drudgery" is a funny word. But it's one that fits my life very well. In the past few days, however, I haven't been able to do any drudgery out in the field, because it's been about 95º outside (contrary to the readout on that building down at 5th & Monmouth near where I found the Sade CD that always says it's -100º even in the middle of August).

I managed to put out a new ish of The Last Word (remember that?) a couple days ago!

Monday, August 18, 2003 06:47 p.m.

The real reason nobody uses Devou Park anymore

This blog is special in that it discusses topics that are considered taboo elsewhere, such as defecating in public. There are plenty of G-rated websites around, so why duplicate what already proliferates like weed growing wild?

Today at Devou Park some genius crapped without closing the door to the Port-o-Let as he was using it.

Port-o-Lets have doors, mister. What's more, they even lock. The world doesn't have a nagging need to see you take a shit.

And people say I'M a slob?!

I biked 32 miles and put in some long hours today at work. I started out doing KY 8 all the way to the west edge of my quadrant at Constance. This is where last year I moved a live turtle out of the road.

I came back the same way and zipped up to Devou Park. In addition to that giant of good manners mentioned above, Devou Park is also known for the Devou Park Showdown - the near-riot by cops at a Bush rally in 2000. (They still haven't caught me after I ran from them!)

I spent as little time as possible in Devou Park and moved on to Kenton Hills and zipped down Western and up Amsterdam to what was once Lookout Heights - a rich area with lots of right-wing signs in front yards. By then it had been hours since I had seen a restroom - so the woods along Amsterdam got peed in.

Silly me - I had planned on continuing Villa Hills but I had forgotten how hilly Amsterdam is leading to it, so I'm postponing that until I do Crescent Springs.

When the heat wave ends I shall do Park Hills.

Friday, August 15, 2003 09:18 p.m.

Burping is funny

Earlier at Pasquale's some kid burped real loud.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003 09:29 p.m.

On the road again...

Aaaaah! Work!

Today the frustration mounted out in the field as I biked another 24 miles. I finished Ludlow, much of Sleepy Hollow Road, and Bromley, and then I pushed the ol' bikey up High Water Road so I could get part of Villa Hills over with. (The trusty Extremist was for some reason unable to climb even the wimpiest hills today.) Villa Hills is perhaps the most aggravating place that I have to map, with its new think-alike subdivisions and hilly terrain. It is, after all, the rich suburb where I was confronted by the golf cart idiot - and close to where the driver of an SUV intentionally ran me off the road.

The SUV incident - which I suspect one of my foes from the Great Usenet War of being involved with, since he knew about it before I even discussed it in detail on the Internet - occurred on Bromley-Crescent Springs Road, which I had planned on mapping today after descending from High Water and Amsterdam. Lo and behold, I made it a few hundred feet before finding the road completely closed.

They didn't appear to be painting on a shoulder, which the road sorely needs to thwart future mishaps. Rather, it looked like the road was closed just so they could tear up 50 feet of it (including the grassy areas on the sides of the road, making it impassable even for bicyclists). A sign declared it was closed to thru traffic, but really it was closed to ALL traffic - and they didn't tell us that in advance.

My only choice was to head home early and walk the bike up a steep hill on Amsterdam to Park Hills - especially since the bike needed some fixing and I didn't think it would make it to Constance and back in the shape it was in and since the road from there to Constance would have required me to brave the insufferable Mineola Stink (which is believed to be from the sewage plant off Amsterdam) and breathe toxic chemicals.

But the day was saved because on the way home through Newport I got to witness some guy riding around in a car with a tissue hanging out of his nose. When I got home there was a Willie Nelson look-alike strolling up my street.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003 09:45 p.m.

Is Hinde Street named after Chrissie Hynde of the Pretenders?

You know what I did today?

I did something that the upper echelons of society will never have to sully their hands with - but I spend a good 60 hours on each week: WORK!!!

It was a splendid day for outdoor work, and I biked 36 miles today, finishing up the remaining part of central Covington, where I noticed someone had written "FUCK COV CATH" on a stop sign on Banklick. I had to skip Western Avenue because it was reportedly blocked by a swarm of bees. Then I did West Covington, including SWAIN Court ("Poop chute...") and the area where some idiot who kept making harassing phone calls to my house lived.

As if that wasn't enough I almost finished Ludlow. Over on Latta someone scribbled "LUDLOW POLICE SUCK DICK" on a NO PARKING ANY TIME sign. On Adela some kids threw water balloons at a dump truck as it drove by.

On the way home through Newport, I found a Sade CD that looked like it was repeatedly run over by a semi. It's a shame it was ruined because I've only heard "Your Love Is King" once in the past 18 years.

Sunday, August 10, 2003 09:53 p.m.

Zoo poo

Today I went to the Cincinnati Zoo for the first time since 1990. For years I avoided the zoo because it had become such an out-of-touch spectacle. (While building a parking lot in the mid-'90s, zoo construction crews toppled a chimney of a nearby house onto a car belonging to the house's owner.) But my aunt was visiting from out of town, and she wanted to see the zoo.

While my family and I were at the zoo, we smelled fart gas at the outdoor eating area and over by the white tiger. In a separate incident inside the cat building I overheard a little girl yelling, "Ewww! It stinks in here!" Later some woman bubbled.

Friday, August 8, 2003 10:48 p.m.

Clu 132 was cool

Why do the right-wingers on the radio board hate WCLU so much?

It's been 16 years since it was taken off the air, and they're still complaining about how horrible they think WCLU was.

Man, I trolled those idiots in the radio board GOOD tonight!

Thursday, August 7, 2003 06:56 p.m.

"Drought" ends

Now that the amazing streak of 2 consecutive days where I didn't get rained on at work is broken, the local media won't have to moan for the next 15 years about that "drought" back in 2003.

Nonetheless I managed to log (hey Beavis he said log) another 24 miles today for my mapping assignment - a LOOOOONG bike-dragging up Highland Pike to the area with that water tower that overlooks KY 17, then back down to the city area, which I almost finished.

During the first part of the work day I felt VERY weak!

Later on Greenup Street, I found a broken 2Pac CD.

Wednesday, August 6, 2003 09:10 p.m.

What? 2 days in a row with decent weather? It's a miracle!

All sorts of neet poo goes on down in the Cov.

Today at work I started Covington, racking up 28 miles on the ol' Extremist. The area I completed today consists roughly of all east-west streets from the Ohio River south to 19th.

On the 4th Street bridge I saw a Maurice Gibb look-alike. Later on 11th, I found a broken DMX CD.

Homeless? I found perhaps the ONLY good place remaining in Covington for an encampment: Along the small road connecting the north ends of Euclid and Jefferson, there's an open field facing I-75 where the freeway exit used to be. This field is IDEAL for a makeshift village that can house perhaps hundreds! Seize this field EN MASSE before somebody with less noble intentions steals it from you!

I was too weak to continue past 19th, so I zipped down to the Kenton County Public LIEbrary to pee and to look up some info. I noticed that someone peed all over the floor of the men's room. Also, while I was at the libe, some woman bubbled. (Libraries have a tradition of being somewhat Krogery in that regard.)

Tuesday, August 5, 2003 07:42 p.m.

Ohio's for you...you you you (pow!)

I FINISHED UP OHIO!!!

I biked another 41 miles for my work assignment today. On good ol' 9th Street on the way to work I found a broken AOL 8.0 CD laying in the roadway. I wanted to start today with Sedamsville but the construction on US 50 was so bad that I detoured down Southside (which smells like molasses) and did the Riverside section instead. I rode the ol' bikey on a closed section of Hillside. (According to a map, Hillside is one of few bike-friendly roads in the area, so naturally part of it was closed for no apparent reason.)

From the west edge of my turf I made a side trip out US 50 to try to find a good place to turn around and made it all the way to Sayler Park. When I returned on Hillside, I peed in the woods.

But disaster struck on the old River Road semicircle in Riverside. I was confronted with that now-familar squeak signifying the untimely poppage of a valuable inner tube. I pulled into the park and fixed it, but no sooner did I repair it than the new tube mysteriously exploded, forcing me to fix it again.

Was it a shitty tube or something? It clearly wasn't overinflated, so it's a mystery why it popped as soon as I installed it. (Yes, it exploded - not imploded. A few Usenetters will probably get the joke on imploding tires.)

Then I did Sedamsville and pushed the hulking velocipede a LOOOOONG way up Delhi Road (1½ miles steeply uphill) to get the final part of Delhi Township.

After that I zipped back down to US 50 and sped home. I found a busted Linkin Park CD on the sidewalk on US 50.

Nobody bubbled.

Friday, August 1, 2003 10:23 p.m.

"Disgruntled" is another funny word

Here's another funny word: "disgruntled".

Just now on my police radio scanner a call came across about a "disgruntled customer" at United Dairy Farmers harassing the cashier.

You never hear anyone say "disgruntle" or "disgruntling" but you always hear the past tense of "disgruntled" - as if it's impossible to disgruntle someone but rather they become disgruntled spontaneously.

Friday, August 1, 2003 10:15 p.m.

A commentary of funny words

Since I'm gonna be at my mom's house most of the weekend watching her dog, I decided I'd leave you with a whole essay consisting of all the funny words I can think of...

In one of my old SCIENCE textbooks ("science" is a funny word when spoken in the manner of the guy in the Thomas Dolby video), it says that billions of years from now, the sun will suddenly expand without warning and ENGULF the planet Earth and everything on it.

And then everything will be RUINED - even the 8th Street VIADUCT.

If I thought this was going to happen tomorrow I wouldn't be working on this BLOG because then all my work would be WASTED. I could just POSTPONE this update instead and not have to do it at all because the entire planet is DESTROYED.

INDEED, instead of working I could just have a big LUNCHEON - and stir up MAYHEM at the restaurant because I know we won't be around long enough for me to be arrested.

I hope you enjoyed this little TIRADE.

Tuesday, July 29, 2003 11:06 p.m.

Scammed again!

Got scammed by my "free" domain name provider, which is now demanding payment by credit card (which I don't have). So they've just lost my business.

Today at work I put another 46 miles on the ol' bikey! On KY 8 just past the I-471 exit I found a broken Kiley Dean CD laying in the road. Later when I was field checking a residential area of Delhi Township, I saw some woman in her car bubbling.

The offbeat news story of the day is the fact that the crotch of my pants split open as I was riding, forcing me to smuggle my roll of duct tape into the restroom at Gold Star Chili on Delhi Road and repair the split. (This is the same pair of pants that got a hole torn in the knee when I was run off the road.)

I finished almost all of the part of Delhi Township that's in my turf! It's possible I could be done with Ohio next time!

Sunday, July 27, 2003 10:21 p.m.

Toothaches are fun

Since Wednesday I've had the worst toothache ever! But since I don't plan on visiting the dentist until January, that's how it shall stay.

No outdoor work tomorrow due to rain.

Thursday, July 24, 2003 10:20 p.m.

A new record: 51.14 miles!

It's a record!

Today for my work assignment I biked 51.14 miles - an all-time record for any event for me, shattering the old record of precisely 50.00 miles (my speedometer shows trip mileages down to 2 decimal places), which coincidentally was established during a work assignment on this same date last year. (July 24 of last year was also when I forged a half-mile-long tire track in the brand-new asphalt on Mineola Pike by riding on it when it was closed.)

Nothing humorous occurred today, however - other than the fact that the 8th Street Viaduct was suddenly free of broken glass, apparently because it was exposed on this blog.

I took a back way up to West Price Hill because I wanted to start with Dunham Park, and on the way up Sunset, I saw a deer running across the road. Why does Dunham Park have a creepy Life And Breath Sign at the entrance?

I finished West Price Hill and the corner of Green Township in my quadrant and started on Delhi Township. The suitability of roads for bicyclists drops dramatically when you enter suburban townships, because they don't want poor people like me showing up there.

Tomorrow is supposed to be too hot to work. (After becoming dehydrated today when it was only 83º F, I've decided it would be safer to lower my heat limit for outdoor work from 90º to 85º.)

Wednesday, July 23, 2003 11:29 p.m.

The end is slowly approaching

For the past few days I've felt too weak to work outside even if it wasn't raining.

It's taken almost 20 years but I think the saga of my persecution is slowly killing me. Somehow that would be a relief.

Saturday, July 19, 2003 12:06 a.m.

Vomit smells funny

On Friday evening I saw a Captain Kangaroo look-alike walking across the street.

Later at Famous Recipe I smelled vomit.

Friday, July 18, 2003 12:12 a.m.

I'm 30 and your underwear's dirty

I'm 30, I can do what I want! I'm 30, I can do what I want! I'm 30, I can do what I want! I'm 30, I can do what I want! I'm 30, I can do what I want! I'm 30, I can do what I want! And yooouuuuuuuuuu can't!

Thursday, July 17, 2003 10:45 p.m.

Beetle eedle eed!

Issue #392 of The Last Word is now pub!

There's a gigantic beetle flying around in here.

DAMMIT! The heat and humidity canceled work today, and the rain has canceled it for tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003 09:50 p.m.

4 flat tires in 4 days

I biked another 35 miles for my mapping assignment today and almost finished West Price Hill!

Most unlikely bubbler? At 9th & Main on the way to work, some guy who was about 50 years old wearing a conservative business suit and carrying a briefcase kept blowing bubbles with bubble gum.

Over by Satan High School some guy yelled at me to call 911 because he was being attacked as he was driving.

I did Rapid Run Park, which I believe is the same park where last year I saw a group of kids riding their bikes through the pond. This time there was a man and a woman arguing in the park. Finally the man began yelling at a parked police car across the street. "WHERE'S A FUCKIN' COP WHEN YOU NEED ONE?! FUCKIN' DOUGHNUT-EATIN' ASSHOLE!" he declared at the top of his lungs. The guy drove away and plowed down a trash barrel.

On the way home I saw a Newt Gingrich look-alike glaring at me at Glenway & Considine.

Disaster struck on the 8th Street Viaduct. It's one of few roads in the area with a bike lane, and sure enough, the lane is always covered with broken glass. Suspiciously, all the glass on area roads seems to magically gravitate onto the bike lane or shoulder where bicyclists are most likely to drive - as if the highway department dumps it there after removing it from the main traffic lanes. Either that or every person who has ever thrown glass out their car window has managed to hit the bike lane or shoulder with perfect precision. Anyway a broken beer bottle ground its way into my tire and inner tube - but I immediately replaced the tube.

Tuesday, July 15, 2003 10:31 p.m.

The case of the exploding tire

I fixed my tires today!

But lo and behold, I heard a loud bang later in the evening. I thought to myself, "That sounded like an exploding bike tire!"

Sure enough I run downstairs and find that someone had slashed the front tire - so it had to be replaced again!

If it happens again I shall work tomorrow anyway - even if it means walking from Bellevue to Covington to start on that portion.

Also I completed a map on my computer showing my own definitions of DMA-like areas for radio. This is a very informal set of definitions though, based on very simple rules.

Monday, July 14, 2003 02:40 p.m.

Do-it-yourself road closures

A group of teenage girls just blocked off the alley next to my building by draping duct tape across it. Some man walking home from the grocery got mad because he had to duck under the duct tape to get through.

Now some suburbanite in a shiny new SUV wasn't able to get through! HA HA!

Now I'm thankful my tires were slashed. Otherwise I'd be at work in Price Hill and I'd be missing all this humor!

Monday, July 14, 2003 01:43 a.m.

Bell: a name synonymous with shit

Bell bicycle products are usually the only kind K-Mart carries, since K-Mart is known as a general purveyor of crap.

You want a bike speedometer with a display that fades within 3 days after you buy it? Make sure it's a Bell!

Most of their products are garbage, and their inner tubes are no exception.

I had an unused Bell inner tube left over from before I stopped buying their shit, and I just tried using it to replace one of my slashed tubes. Lo and behold, the new tube has a hole in it.

So Burger King likes having discarded inner tubes clogging the toilets?

Sunday, July 13, 2003 11:31 p.m.

30 years of misery

Today I went to my surprise 30th birthday party (even though my birthday isn't until Friday).

At my mom's house, her dog shit on the living room floor.

When I got home I discovered that some STUPID DICK had slashed both my bike tires, even though it was parked inside the building.

Friday, July 11, 2003 09:34 p.m.

Ears ringing on Ring Place

I've only been home for 4 of the past 9 weekdays. The other 5 were spent in Pittsburgh or at my mom's house taking care of her dog. One of the 4 weekdays when I was at home was our July 4 holiday, and on the other weekdays except today it poured down rain all day.

So it's great to be getting back to hands-on work in the great outdoors for my official mapping assignment!

Today I biked an amazing 38 miles and finished up the Cincinnati neighborhood of East Price Hill and a significant part of West Price Hill.

I had to stop and pee at Mount Echo Park, and I was amused to find that someone had thrown the bar of soap from the sink area in the men's restroom onto the floor of the stall and peed all over it.

Somehow I got my speed going up to 23.5 MPH today over on Virgil Road, even though I think the speed limit there might be 15 or 20. Wow, I'm a true maverick!

I went down Roebling and Delhi and pushed the hulking velocipede up Rosemont. At 8th & Enright some guy pulled his car up to me and started babbling incoherently.

Personal injury highlight: While doing that final evasive part of East Price Hill over on Ring Place, a hapless youth set off an entire pack of firecrackers right in my ear, causing me to lose hearing in that ear ever since.

Friday, July 4, 2003 11:34 p.m.

Happy Fourth of July!

Today I've seen 2 different people bubbling along the street.

The storm canceled a lot of Fourth of July festivities, but right now there's fireworks aplenty outside my apartment!

Remember our annual Fourth of July bonfires? A few years ago we were burning old lawn chairs and tables. That's one tradition that should have never been allowed to die!

Thursday, July 3, 2003 10:36 p.m.

Vacation! Yay!

I just got home from 3 days in Pittsburgh!

Nothing really bizarre happened there though, unlike most other road trips that I embark on.

At the baseball game in Pittsburgh, I noticed that some woman in the audience kept blowing bubbles with bubble gum. Later, I saw that some old man who was about 75 years old was also bubbling.

Also, outdoor work for this week has been canceled due to heat. I probably won't be able to work outside on my mapping assignment until at least next Wednesday.

Sunday, June 29, 2003 05:46 p.m.

Another meeting with the Kline Krew!

I met my old friends from Cline Middle School again last night!

We talked about how I ate pencil erasers in class.

Friday, June 27, 2003 06:02 p.m.

Oil ruins stuff

Now that the heat wave is over I was able to go back to WORK today!

I was disappointed that I was only able to bike 30 miles today - but I was able to do all of East Price Hill except a few north-south roads. Any visit to Price Hill requires an extra 20 minutes built into the morning commute to push the bike uphill. On the way to work, at 9th & Vine, I saw some guy who looked just like Red Forman of "That '70s Show". Later, on Latham Avenue, I found a broken Ludacris CD laying in the road.

I would have been able to cover more turf today except my oil can leaked in my storage box and ruined a bunch of stuff in it. They must think oil grows on trees, since this is about the fourth time this has happened because they intentionally make oil cans so they leak (no matter how tight you put the cap on) and force you to buy more. They must be like these rich conservatives who drive these big SUVs that get 2 MPG to commute to their cushy downtown jobs from the suburbs 40 miles away who think the world's oil supply is gonna last forever. I had to waste about 15 minutes cleaning up oil.

Oil is not a renewable resource like pee is.

At least I was able to get that ultra-steep block of Bassett from Fairbanks to Woodlawn!

I did the south part of Elberon and was amazed to find myself back at the bottom of the hill (at the Waldvogel VIADUCT). I went home a little earlier than I would have liked, since if I had gone back up the hill it would have been time to go home once I got there.

As usual, I took the 8th Street Viaduct home, and downtown I took Central Avenue for a couple blocks, where I witnessed some guy on a motorcycle who kept blowing bubbles with bubble gum. I had time to rest at Fountain Square for a few minutes, and there I saw an Ed Bradley look-alike (who wore a big hat like Prince used to wear).

Monday, June 23, 2003 09:50 p.m.

A good day ruined by United States v. American Library Association

Man, am I mad!

A good day at work was ruined when I came home and discovered that the Supreme Court doesn't understand the First Amendment.

Hey Supremes, you fucked up with the library censorship thing! Don't like what the First Amendment says? Then move to Afghanistan or somewhere else where they don't have a Bill of Rights.

Monday, June 23, 2003 09:22 p.m.

You Gest it!

I completed a GIGANTIC part of my territory at work today!

I biked 36 grueling miles in 88º F heat! I made quick work of Queensgate - a neighborhood whose industrial ruins have an unmatched historic charm - and Lower Price Hill. On Burns Street, I saw a perfectly good pair of underpants on the sidewalk. At the park on Hatmaker, I saw that someone had written "FUCK PRICE HILL" on one of the benches. I also did that elusive portion of South Fairmount where I left off on Friday and had to walk up Grand to East Price Hill because the hill was so steep. I did a few blocks there before returning home!

Unfortunately outdoor work is nixed for tomorrow (and probably Wednesday) due to extreme heat (temps in the 90s or above).

Friday, June 20, 2003 11:13 p.m.

Viaducts are cool

"Viaduct" is another funny word - and today at work I was on a couple of viaducts!

I managed to bike 31 miles today. I did all of Mount Auburn, and I found a smashed Dr. Dre cassette in the roadway on Gilbert Avenue. Then I moved on to Clifton Heights. There was a big fire in Ludlow that I could see all the way from Bellevue Hill Park. In this area I found a broken Screwball CD. Then I did the Western Hills VIADUCT and finished most of South Fairmount. Man, the west approach to the viaduct is a mess! There I found the sleeve for a Waiting To Exhale Soundtrack CD.

I returned home using State Avenue, where I saw a Hulk Hogan look-alike, and the incomparable 8th Street Viaduct. There was some woman walking across the Purple People Bridge who blew a bubble with bubble gum.

I received an incredible review from the mapping agency for the updates I collected last year, thus kerpowing the smug smirk off the faces of the Brossart right-wingers who were always telling me how worthless I was.

Thursday, June 19, 2003 10:17 p.m.

Eat it

Earlier at Golden Corral there was some guy eating in there who looked like "Weird Al" Yankovic.

Work got rained out today because it poured so bad.

A new Last Word is about to come out!

Wednesday, June 18, 2003 06:41 p.m.

The library, the la-la-la-library...

Back to WORK!!!

They predicted rain yesterday, so I worked on paperwork at home, but today I finished downtown Cincinnati and Mount Adams (up the set of steps from Court & Gilbert)! Not to mention Eggleston Avenue! With the Purple People Bridge and Eggleston, it takes a few nanoseconds to bike from here to the north side of downtown. I also did the Suspension Bridge and wasted a bunch of time farting around at that fucked-up yoke approach down in the Cov.

Man, Fountain Square has gotten SEEDY!!!

Early in the day I stopped at the library downtown because I needed to pee and look up a few things. There was an incident there like the time last year when I met the golf cart idiot in Villa Hills: I was hounded out of the libe by a guard who blew his stack because I got within about 20 feet of the libe's precious, precious railing on the second floor.

All together now...

Lawsuit to come.

Nearby is where there was that gun battle outside the school today, so I avoided that area.

Monday, June 16, 2003 09:47 p.m.

Aaaaahhh!!! Work!!! How refreshing!

Today I went back to work. While work is a concept unfamiliar to conservatives, who have gone through life having everything handed to them on a silver platter, work is a hardship that I know all to well.

Since I'm kind of a free agent in my cartographic field technician job, I decided to go back to work before receiving the paperwork that was supposed to be mailed to me, so I had to improvise using last year's old ripped-up maps that I wrote all over.

I sorely wish I had kept a log of last year's work activities and the cast of crazy characters I encountered along the way. I'll never forget the golf cart idiot in Villa Hills, the kid who was about 10 years old who tried grabbing my bike right out of my hands over by the main library in Cincinnati, the guy who robbed me in Covington and got away with $8, the weirdo who kept beating on the door at White Castle in Price Hill, and my furry friends of the animal kingdom such as the raccoon who ran up to me and sniffed my shoe on Old KY 17.

There were many great moments and some perilous ones, like the time in Edgewood when I began hallucinating because of the searing heat or the day I got hit by a car in Erlanger. Who could forget the time I got a flat tire in Sedamsville and had to call for help and use duct tape to attach the bike to the top of a Saturn to carry it home, causing the bike to almost fall off and shatter into a zillion pieces on the 6th Street freeway?

One day I rode my bike on a closed section of Mineola Road and forged a half-mile-long groove in the fresh asphalt. And many a time did I pee in the woods.

My task is to update an official map by verifying all the features in person. Today I began the 2003 update, starting with the northwest corner of Newport and completing downtown Cincinnati south of 5th. It was a slow day because of too much farting around and having to make repairs to the ol' bikey once every 20 feet or so. (No, I didn't blow bubbles with bubble gum.)

I also did the Clay Wade Bailey Bridge and devoured lunchage at the McDonald's in Covington. I became annoyed at the cashier because, after placing my soft drink cup upright (the proper way) on the counter, she took it and put it rim-down on the filthy piece of paper that they always put on the tray. I made sure that no Coke touched the rim of the cup when I filled it.

Monday, June 16, 2003 02:15 a.m.

Celebrity look-alikes are funny

Earlier I saw some guy who looked exactly like Sammy Davis Jr. standing along US 22 in Cincinnati waving at people and acting really goofy.

Saturday, June 14, 2003 01:45 a.m.

Hey hey hey! It's Fat Albert!

"Fat Albert" was a great cartoon!

These days, most cartoons are infomercials for shitty fall-apart toys. But back in my day, we watched GOOD cartoons like "Fat Albert" and "Scooby-Doo" every Saturday morning!

I went to the Bellevue Vets carnival again on Friday night, and I was reminded of "Fat Albert" because I kept seeing people wearing these lampshade hats like that one guy on "Fat Albert" always wore. Or maybe he was a woman. I don't really remember, since I haven't watched "Fat Albert" since I was about 6 years old.

On the way home, some people lit a pack of firecrackers and tossed it into one of those garbage cans along Fairfield Avenue.

Also I saw 3 different people bubbling at the carnival this time.

Thursday, June 12, 2003 11:51 p.m.

The price is right for celebrity look-alikes

Lots of neet poo goes on down in the Belv.

Earlier I went to the annual Bellevue Vets carnival and saw something FUNNY: A celebrity look-alike!

There was some old man there who looked like Bob Barker!

Also I detected 5 different people bubbling, a sum unparalleled since the mid-'90s.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003 12:26 a.m.

Why no updates?

Because nothing interesting has happened in a week, smarty.

Tuesday, June 3, 2003 11:15 a.m.

"Plague" is a funny word

For the past 2 days I've had the plague, and I've hardly been able to eat or sleep, let alone work.

"Plague" is a funny word. Having the plague isn't funny. But "plague" is a hilarious word nonetheless!

Kind of like how "ruin" is a funny word, even though ruining stuff isn't necessarily funny - unless of course you ruin something at Brossart, in which case it's uproarious.

Sunday, June 1, 2003 08:58 p.m.

I met my old friends!

Last night I met some of my old friends from Cline who I haven't seen in 17 years.

On the way home, I tried to kick over a Virgil Moore sign that was cluttering the public right-of-way, but I missed.

Friday, May 30, 2003 06:53 p.m.

I didn't know Brossart moved to Bellevue!

Warning! Warning! A Stupid Gum Trick ahead!

After handing in some papers for work and going to the store today, I was riding my bikey home, and I was on Lafayette Street when I saw an uproarious bubbling.

A group of younger people - probably in their late teens - was strolling in a southeasterly fashion up Lafayette, when this one girl blew a bubble with bubble gum and then removed the gum - still inflated - from her mouth and asked some other girl if she wanted to chew it.

It sort of reminded me of how people at Brossart always chewed used wads of gum.

Thursday, May 29, 2003 10:16 p.m.

The quest for the holy adapter

Today I buyed a new adapter for my air pump to fit into the valve stems on my bike tires.

Later some Republican web page (the one with the "Traitors List") crashed my computer, because the idiots who wrote the page have such shitty HTML skills.

Tuesday, May 27, 2003 12:47 a.m.

Gum is cool

Gum is cool. I mean it.

Some of you are asking, Hey Tim! Why do you always mention every time someone blows a damn bubble in a public place?!

Because. That's why.

You see, gum is wasted unless you blow bubbles that pop all over your face. Blowing bubbles that pop all over your face is the whole reason bubble gum was invented. Hubba Bubba ruined the gum industry because its selling point was that it wasn't supposed to stick to your face when you blew bubbles - which defeated the whole purpose of gum.

These days, however, it is rare to see someone blow bubbles that pop all over their face in public. Once upon a time this was a common sight. But no more. I saw someone doing this once a few months ago, but other than that I don't think I've seen anyone blow bubbles that pop on their face in public since about 1994.

Maybe everyone is afraid that the gum will collect filth from their skin or something. But surely your skin is cleaner than some of the stuff in our drinking water.

If you're not gonna blow bubbles that pop all over your face, then why even chew gum?

But whether it pops on their face or not, it is MANDATORY that each time I see someone blowing a bubble - in person and in public, that is - it gets mentioned here. If it's on TV or in private, then it will only be optional to discuss it here.

It's...

Tuesday, May 27, 2003 12:09 a.m.

Happy Memorial Day!

Early on Monday I walked down to the Bellevue Memorial Day parade, and there was a young woman there who kept blowing bubbles with bubble gum.

Later I went to my mom's house and spilled salsa all over the kitchen closet.

Also I saw a Wendy's commercial in which a person blows a big bubble with bubble gum that pops all over their face.

Friday, May 23, 2003 09:19 p.m.

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do...

Earlier some guys beat up some old man down on the corner, and the police came.

Friday, May 23, 2003 06:16 p.m.

The decline continues

Mean-spirited conservatives
Idiot Republicans
Stupid Nazis
Evil fascists
Right-wing assholes
Yelping democracy-haters

Fortunately the day will someday come when I no longer have to put up with this shit.

Sunday, May 18, 2003 05:43 p.m.

Arrest me! Please!

I was on NKU's campus yesterday!

Wednesday, May 14, 2003 10:05 p.m.

The bubbler strikes again!

The woman from last Tuesday bubbled again - same time, same place, same channel!

Tuesday, May 13, 2003 10:23 p.m.

What? 2 non-Kroger bubblings in a week? Is the world coming to an end?

Today - on the way home from Kroger, oddly enough - some woman who was about 40 years old standing out in front of a storefront on Fairfield down in the Belv blew a bubble with a big pink slab of Singapore contraband.

Later on "Judge Joe Brown" a plaintiff got arrested for throwing a cup at the people she was suing. She also flipped the judge the bird.

Sunday, May 11, 2003 10:26 p.m.

It's the Cincinnati Reds playin' basteball again...

Today I went to the Reds game, and I smelled fart gas there.

Friday, May 9, 2003 02:07 a.m.

News flash: mayonnaise can spoil!

I left a nearly full jar of mayonnaise out on the table for over a day.

Bet that's gonna taste wonderful!

I may have time to get a new ish of The Last Word published today.

My ass burns.

Tuesday, May 6, 2003 09:41 p.m.

This time it wasn't even at Kroger!

Earlier this evening some woman walking down my street kept blowing bubbles with a big blue wad of BG.

A rare non-Kroger bubbling!

Saturday, May 3, 2003 05:36 p.m.

Bandit goes Krogering

Today at Kroger I saw two separate instances of people blowing bubbles with bubble gum.

How come it seems as if Kroger is one of very few places nowadays where people frequently blow bubbles with gum? You don't see people bubbling in public much these days - except at Kroger.

It utterly defies logic!

Later at the local park I saw some woman who looked like Bart Simpson's teacher.

Saturday, May 3, 2003 02:44 a.m.

Another dingleberry false alarm

Earlier I was working on my computer here in my home office - which doubles as the dining room and den - and discovered a small brown object on the floor under my chair.

I thought it was poo-poo!

But it turned out to be just a pebble.

Friday, May 2, 2003 01:48 a.m.

Fun with dingleberries

Ever have a dingleberry roll down your leg and out the ankle of your trousers?

As long as I can remember, that's never happened to me. But just now I thought I had my first ever loose dingleberry. It turned out to be part of a chocolate cookie that had somehow ended up in my pants.

The funny thing is that earlier when I was doing my laundry I thought I had washed a small, flattened piece of poo-poo but it turned out to be mud that someone had wiped on the rim of the washing machine. I was removing my clothes from the washer and a little brown hunk of something came out with my laundry. I thought to myself, why is there SHIT in a pile of clothes I just washed? But inspecting the item further I found it to be mud, as it didn't stink.

Wednesday, April 30, 2003 05:18 a.m.

A decade of decay

Exciting events (political, medical, legal, and otherwise) in my life so far this decade:

Ralph Nader's 2000 presidential campaign earned my full backing when a Nader supporter was physically attacked by a Bush follower at a Bush rally in Devou Park - the celebrated Devou Park Showdown. The cops who were present at the event then tried to fight ME - but I fled on foot, never to be apprehended!

In 2001 I was seriously injured (as opposed to hilariously injured) when an idiot in an SUV deliberately ran my bike off the road in Villa Hills - continuing a series of madcap physical injuries and ailments that left off with the Great Kidney Stone of '99. A few weeks later, my pirate radio station was raided by the FCC.

A major run-in with the long arm of the law was narrowly averted in 2002 when some nobody on a golf cart shooed me away from an exclusive subdivision that I was supposed to map for work.

The medical highlight of 2003 so far has been a series of dental visits in which I had 7 cavities filled. (I hadn't been to a dentist in 11 years.) To my amazement, the dentist failed to harangue me over the fact that my teeth have become so crooked that I can open soft drink cans with them.

What will the future hold in the unpredictable life of the Bandit?

Wednesday, April 30, 2003 04:50 a.m.

Blog blog blogga blog blogga...

"Blog" is a funny word. Not as funny as "ruin" or "luncheon", but it's quite comical nonetheless.

And now you can guffaw to your little heart's content - as I have decided to hop on the blog bandwagon so you can read about all the latest doings of the Bandit.

My blog will be updated every day or three. Be warned, however, that I may edit entries after they've been written - but they will still be accurate for the date and time shown.

Why lay a log when you can do a blog?