Thursday, May 12, 2005 09:53 p.m.

Some hilarious celebrity look-alikes!

Man, this is a riot!

Remember that Sheriff John Bunnell who used to be on the really old Portland episodes of "Cops" and then later did that "World's Funniest Police Videos" or whatever? (Actually he got defeated in the election for another term as sheriff back in 1995.) Anyway, earlier at Kroger, I saw some guy who looked like Sheriff John Bunnell.

Later, at Fuckhead Mountain Grill, I saw some guy eating in there who looked JUST LIKE George from "Seinfeld"! I mean, he looked EXACTLY like him!

Man, it was FUNNY!!!

Thursday, May 12, 2005 01:00 p.m.

Woo-hoo! I'm #285,950!

Yes!

My book's finally entered the Amazon rankings at #285,950!

That one book I borrowed from Brossart's library and couldn't return because I was expelled is only #1,576,032, so I know I'm doing pretty good.

Monday, May 9, 2005 08:32 p.m.

Yet another public bubbling

Earlier I went to the park, and a young woman bubbled.

Thursday, May 5, 2005 09:14 p.m.

Another music recording reclaimed by nature

Earlier at the park I found a smashed Reba McEntire cassette laying in the grass.

Thursday, May 5, 2005 01:48 p.m.

Guess what I saw at Kroger today?

Just guess.

A cashier bubbled!

Sunday, May 1, 2005 11:31 p.m.

When farts stank, and people laughed...

Tonight I was at another family gathering at my mom's house.

Guess what happened there?

That's right!

I thrice detected the funky aroma of a silent but deadly bunker blast - each one even funnier than the one before it, if you can believe that!

The names of possible culprits were bandied about, but nobody was convicted of any of these instances of flatulence.

'Twas mighty cool!

Thursday, April 28, 2005 08:28 p.m.

Bip

Bippety.

Boppety.

Boo.

Friday, April 22, 2005 01:46 a.m.

Fortunately...

I just thought of another funny story about a book I had when I was young.

There was this children's book called Fortunately that was published in the '60s, but it was in the early '80s when I had this book. I did some research on it, and the title was changed to What Good Luck... for a while, because "fortunately" was supposedly too big of a word, but later it was changed back to Fortunately.

Anyway, this would have been an excellent book if I was maybe 5 or 6 when I had it. But nooooo! I WAS 9 FUCKING YEARS OLD!!! NINE!!!!!!!!!! I know I was 9, because there was this drawing of some woman in it who looked sort of like this really mean teacher I had in 4th grade.

Well anyhoo, my mom brung me a tattered old copy of this book one day from a yard sale. BUT I WAS TOO DAMN OLD FOR IT!!! Yeah, I know I didn't read at a 9-year-old level, but still I was too old for this book.

The book was mostly festive illustrations, with one sentence on each page. It started out something like, "Fortunately, Freddy was invited to a party." Then the next page was something like, "Unfortunately, the party was 6,000 miles away." It went on like this for 15 pages or so. The cover showed the boy in the story falling from the sky in a parachute.

After reading the book once and deciding it was way too easy, I set it aside on the floor in my room. Since the book was old and tattered, the cover fell off, so it sat there with the pages falling out of the cover.

Anyway, my mom walked into the room and found the book laying there with the cover off of it. She was MAD!!!!!

"What happened to this book?!" she exclaimed. "Look! It's ruined!"

I bit my lip to avoid bursting into laughter.

Ol' Mom continued, "I'm never buying you another book again!"

Now, the thing about this is, I didn't intentionally ruin the book. It was already pretty much ruined when I acquired it. Besides that, the cover could have been easily reattached with transparent adhesive tape. I admit that I didn't take special care of the book either.

Like I said, this was probably an ideal book if you're 5 or 6. But not if you're 9. So I came up with a parody of the book:

"Fortunately, my mom got me a book today.

"Unfortunately, it was Fortunately."

And another parody:

"Unfortunately, a book got ruined today.

"Fortunately, it was Fortunately."

I actually feel guilty making fun of this book. The author is probably going to come to my home and punch me in the face or something for ridiculing the book. Oh well. I'm just gonna have to live with it.

Thursday, April 21, 2005 11:35 p.m.

Books are cool

Books pib.

Although it takes about a year for me to read a 250-page book, pib they do.

But sometimes books get ruined. Or lost.

One of my fave hobbies is to go to Amazon's site and look up old books I remember, many of which are ones I read when I was very young. I don't remember the name of the Dr. Seuss book I borrowed from the library when I was about 4 years old and bit off part of the front cover though.

I'm actually surprised Amazon even has some of these books. There was one very obscure book I had as a child that was published in 1972, and I was shocked to find that Amazon has several used copies of it for sale.

The only time I ever accidentally lost a library book was once when I was about 5 years old I borrowed a children's book about road building from the old libe trailer that had those weird tables with the orange surface. I think the trailer was at Highland & Grand in Fort Thomas, but anyway, I lost the book and never could find it. This was in '78 or so.

Around the same time, I intentionally damaged a library book I borrowed by crumpling several of the pages. I don't know what possessed me to do it. My mom saw it and got mad.

Also, there was this one children's book I borrowed from the libe when I was maybe 6 or 7 that I remember because it was a humorous story about a boy whose dog ate his map collection. I also remember it because it used the word "knead", which I've hardly ever seen anywhere else. I don't remember the name of the book though.

Once when I was about 20, I went to the libe in Covington, and the guy there was giving a tour to some kids who were maybe junior high school age. He got to the reference section of the libe and said to the kids something like, "This is where we keep the reference books. We do not permit patrons to borrow reference books, because many of the books are part of sets containing several volumes, and if one volume is lost, the whole set is ruined."

Hear that everyone? He said RUINED!!! The magic word!

Also, the funny thing about the Dr. Seuss book whose cover got partially bitten off was that I had forgotten about this deed until about 20 years later when I worked at the Campbell County Public Library, and this was one of the books we had to sort out for the libe's "great purge" of ruined books.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 11:53 p.m.

One book, 2 flamewars...

Sales for my book have picked up slightly, and now there's MASSIVE flamewars about my book going on in 2 different forums.

Strange how Tim Brown's name gets mentioned and people go apeshit.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 10:17 p.m.

Tomorrow is another important anniversary

Tomorrow is the 15th anniversary of when I got expelled from Brossart. Damn, I hated that school!

Also, I see a right-wing Pope got picked, so that's probably the beginning of the end for the Catholic Church. Seriously. I could discuss this in more detail, but I'm tired and busy right now.

Instead of those smoke signals, they should use flatulence to announce whether they've selected a new Pope.

If it's silent but violent, no new Pope.

But if it's loud and proud, it's a new Pope!

Friday, April 15, 2005 01:46 p.m.

What the fuck is a "vanilla Bee Gees cake"?

They keep running this ad on the radio (you know, that big box that nobody listens to anymore) for TGIFriday's where some guy orders something that sounds like a "vanilla Bee Gees cake".

What the hell is that supposed to be anyway?

What's next? A "vanilla Men At Work cake"? A "vanilla Quiet Riot cake"? Or even a "vanilla Vanilla Ice cake"?

Monday, April 11, 2005 09:55 p.m.

The earache is back...Circus Vargas, Circus Vargas...

I thought of another one of my sayings that should have been in my old New Language feature in The Last Word: "Circus Vargas, Circus Vargas."

This comes from an ad on the radio around 1990 that said, "The big one is back...Circus Vargas, Circus Vargas..." Anytime you say that something "is back" after being absent, it can be followed up with "Circus Vargas, Circus Vargas" in a singsong voice.

Anyway, now that recurring earache in my outer ear I've had since November has returned once again.

Monday, April 11, 2005 08:14 p.m.

A funny site with a picture of Phyllis Schlafly's head floating in midair

You've got to see this!

In the past week or two I've been contributing to a new blog someone has around here called the Conservative Fool Of The Day. I gave them some ideas for Ann Coulter's entry and showed them where to find the picture of Bush bubbling.

I think the funniest thing so far is the newest entry that features this hilarious picture of Phyllis Schlafly's head that looks like it's floating in midair.

Since no search engines seem to want to pick up this site, you'll have to go there by clicking here:

conservafools.blog-city.com

Monday, April 11, 2005 01:12 p.m.

Yet another idiot gets exposed

I got woken up this morning by yet another threatening phone call. This one got traced to someone on Race Road near Cincinnati (actually Dent, I think).

Friday, April 8, 2005 07:13 p.m.

My book is now on Amazon!

See, I told you Amazon would pick it up within a few weeks.

Alright, so my book The Fight That Never Ends is now available from these sites:

www.lulu.com/content/112781 (recommended)

www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1411626559

Wednesday, April 6, 2005 03:44 a.m.

A sample of my book!

I've been able to post some brief samples (a preview) of my book:

www.lulu.com/items/112000/112781/1/preview/The_Fight_That_Never_Ends_preview.rtf

Wednesday, April 6, 2005 01:27 a.m.

"Sesame Street" and "Blue Money"

I thought I was the only person in the world who thought the song "Blue Money" by Van Morrison sounds EXACTLY LIKE the theme song from "Sesame Street", but now I know it's not just a figment of my imagination.

The funny thing is that I never heard "Blue Money" anywhere until The Point played it in the mid-'90s, and when I heard it, I cracked up laughing because it sounded so much like "Sesame Street". (I think I may have found a copy of this song since then.)

Anyway, I did a search on Google to see if anyone else noticed the similarities, and I actually found a newsgroup where someone mentions it:

www.talkaboutcollegefootball.com/group/rec.sport.football.college/messages/1090851.html

This is hilarious!

Monday, April 4, 2005 09:23 p.m.

It's the Cincinnati Reds playin' basteball again...

I know I used that as a header one other time, but anyway...

Today was Opening Day, so I went down to Cincinnati to see the parade.

The smell of Gatewood Galbraith's favorite herb wafted through the air down by Fountain Square.

Also, I saw 3 different people bubbling.

Saturday, April 2, 2005 02:57 p.m.

Another asshole exposed

The sun, the planets, and the stars will someday burn out, but the harassing phone calls will surely continue.

I was woken up at about 3:30 AM today because of some ASSHOLE making harassing phone calls again.

Well, I got their number and traced it to some asshats on Mount Vernon Drive in Fort Wright.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005 10:04 p.m.

I Roads Scholared today

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood, so I took the ol' bikey out Roads Scholarin' in Newport for just a bit (even though I haven't had the front brake fixed after some Nazi vandalized it).

But dammit, nobody bubbled!

I verified that the last known yellow stop sign in the area is still standing, and I saw the progress on East 10th where it goes over the CSX tracks. I noticed they cut off Park Avenue north of 10th so it curves back around into an alley, but at least they kept the sidewalk there.

Friday, March 25, 2005 11:41 p.m.

An ish is pub (pub, pub)...

Yes, a doggone ish is pub!

I've been bogged down so much by the book that it took a few weeks to get a new ish of The Last Word out. But pub it is, and it's ish #416:

members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw050325

Read it and peep!

Thursday, March 24, 2005 11:18 p.m.

Bubbling season is here!

The birds are chirping, the sky is getting bluer, and the sun is shining brighter. It must be bubbling season again!

That's right, folks! Public bubblings are always mentioned on this blog, as all regular readers know.

Today at Pasquale's, a young woman blew a bubble with bubble gum.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 01:03 a.m.

My proof copy of my book is here!

Well, I finally received my proof of my book on Monday!

I see a lot of things in my book I could have changed if I had the chance, but oh well. As the song says: Now it's too late...

For those who've waited to order it, you can still order it from my publisher at:

www.lulu.com/content/112781

Or you can wait a few weeks until my book is carried by your favorite (or least favorite) bookseller!

Sunday, March 20, 2005 12:03 a.m.

"Bother" is a funny word

"Bother" is a funny word.

In the game of chess, there's something I always called a "bother", which is when one of your pieces crosses the crease in the middle of the game board where the board folds up. For years I've called it that. It's a "bother" against the other player - even though there's really no rule in chess that says any part of the game board is a player's exclusive territory.

Also that song "I Will Survive" had the word "bother" in it, and I thought it was hilarious that there was a song that used this word.

Monday, March 14, 2005 02:09 a.m.

50 thou a year will buy a lot of beer...

I don't know what made me think of this just now, but there was this song Clu 132 used to play a lot called "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades", and back in high school everyone called it "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Baste". And there was this one line in the song that said, "50 thou a year will buy a lot of beer," and everyone kept going around singing, "50 thou a year will buy a lot of baste."

I don't know why I thought of that just now, but I started laughing my ass off when I thought of it.

Monday, March 14, 2005 12:09 a.m.

Earaches are fun

Since Friday night now I've had the worst earache ever. Does that bip or what?

Also, I think I forgot to mention that the title of my new book is The Fight That Never Ends. Someone now tells me that there was a movie in the 1940s with this title, but I looked it up, and it's actually The Fight Never Ends.

Also, a person bubbled in a commercial.

Saturday, March 12, 2005 05:23 p.m.

Have no fear, the book is here!

Guess what, folks? THE BOOK IS PUBLISHED!!! So I'm now a plublished (sic) author. ("Plublished" is another inside joke.)

I've ordered my proof copy, which will take a few days to arrive. Then in a few weeks it will be available from bookstores and online booksellers. But in the meantime, my book is available straight from the publisher, Lulu.com.

If you don't want to wait a few days, you can buy my book now at this link:

www.lulu.com/content/112781

Saturday, March 12, 2005 12:58 a.m.

Book done

The book has been sent to my publisher. It's 351 pages. It exists.

Later I plan on ordering my proof copy, after which the book will be available to the public!

Does that pib or what?

Sunday, March 6, 2005 01:44 a.m.

It's a book after all!

(That's an inside joke, folks.)

Well, it looks like I'm allowed (ooh, an Allowed Cloud) to borrow the local credit card, so there's gonna be a book after all.

Yeah, I'm in the last round of proofreading right now. Just wait a few days for me to send it to my publisher.

Saturday, March 5, 2005 03:35 a.m.

Credit cards: a big rip-off

Credit cards are a big rip-off.

And who the fuck even qualifies for one?

Usually you can't get a credit card unless you make at least $15,000 a year, which is a hell of a lot more than what most people I know make. Seriously. The place is Bellevue, KY, not Beverly Hills.

According to the version of Street Atlas USA that I have, the average annual income in Bellevue, KY, is only (get this) $11,569, so you ain't gonna find too many people with wallets bulging out with credit cards.

And it just so happens that the publisher of my book just now stopped accepting PayPal, so now I have to borrow a credit card from someone who actually has one.

Yeah, I know all the paper money says "LEGAL TENDER FOR ALL DEBTS" on it, but that doesn't mean you can actually BUY anything with it.

But of course everyone knows that every person in the entire U.S.A. makes at least $200,000 a year and lives in a mansion in a gated subdivision in a posh Idaho exurb. After all, Brit Hume says so, and we all know he's never wrong (snicker).

No credit card means no book, so I'm hoping against all hope I can borrow the credit card.

Thursday, February 24, 2005 03:52 p.m.

Done with my proofreading and extra touches on the book!

Alright, I'm done with my writing portion of the book. The reason it took so much longer than I thought was that I added a whole extra chapter in the middle.

So, it looks like it's gonna be 22 chapters, or 344 pages.

Now I've sent a copy to my proofreader, and maybe in the next 2 weeks or so my publisher will have it.

Sunday, February 20, 2005 01:20 p.m.

Scandal is cool

Remember Scandal?

You know, Patty Smyth and her band. They had all those songs like "Goodbye To You" and "The Warrior".

I saw them in concert last night at Bogart's.

They're SPECTACULAR!!! Man, they rule!

Monday, February 14, 2005 12:09 a.m.

Finally! My list of road trips updated! Now with mischief ratings!

Finally!

I hadn't had any time to do any real updates on this since 2002. But now I've finally added my trips to Pittsburgh, Louisville, and Toronto, and I've revamped the whole site to adapt to the modern era.

My road trip site now has mischief ratings for your amusement.

Point your bunker at:

members.iglou.com/bandit/ontheroad.html

Thursday, February 10, 2005 09:44 p.m.

A person who ruins stuff

It's a barrel of laughs when people ruin stuff.

We found a blog blogga blog by someone who ruins stuff. It's hilarious! They use the magic word about a zillion times.

Click here to read their blog entry on ruining stuff:

www.iwilldare.com/archives/001863.php

Thursday, February 10, 2005 12:46 a.m.

A weird dream about bowling alleys

Last night I had a weird dream that I was on a high school trip to the bowling alley. For some reason, the electronic display above the lanes kept saying something like "PINSETTER RUINED". It was something ruined. I'm not certain if it was the pinsetter though. Also, I had to use a green pepper as a bowling ball.

Monday, February 7, 2005 01:05 a.m.

Book done except for proofreading

OK, it's 21 chapters. And 338 pages.

Yes, it's basically finished except for the proofreading. I'm gonna send it to my proofreader when I get done with some extra final touches.

Also, earlier I saw a Bubblicious commercial where some basketball player bubbled.

Sunday, February 6, 2005 01:23 p.m.

Another Mardi Gras that sucked

Last night I went to the Mardi Gras "festivities" in Covington. I think the last one I went to was 3 years ago, and it was so boring and lifeless that I didn't go again until this year.

Well, it hasn't gotten any better. That's for certain. It was about as exciting as watching shit dry.

Actually the fire-eating guy was interesting. That was probably the only interesting thing I saw.

Well, I think I did see a pissed-on toilet seat at Mardi Gras.

And - since I know you're gonna ask - I did see 3 different people bubbling. Wow, people must have really been in a festive mood!

Thursday, February 3, 2005 12:37 a.m.

Surprise, surprise! An ish!

I bet you thunk I'd get my book done before I'd get the next ish of The Last Word out, but anyway, I've got the first ish of 2005 out:

http://members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw050203

Friday, January 28, 2005 01:36 p.m.

Private eyes...are watchin' me...

Time to humiliate a few more idiots who have been making harassing phone calls here. I've gotten 3 more harassing phone calls in the past month, and I'm gonna let them know they can run but they can't hide.

Alright, the first of these 3 was traced to someone on Rogers Lane in Burlington.

The next was traced to a private investigator firm in Covington. You'd think a PI would be smart enough to hide its trail, but I guess not. It's kind of like all these countries hire spies but they don't do anything except catch other countries' spies.

Last but not least, the next harassing call (which woke me up in the middle of the night) was from some dipshit on Lakeview Drive in Wilder.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005 08:43 p.m.

Toilets are neat

Anyone else remember a Pat Benatar video that showed a toilet?

Thursday, January 20, 2005 02:27 p.m.

Someone kept farting at the inaugural luncheon!

Man, this is hilarious!

Someday this is gonna be a poopyism!

I had the TV on earlier to see Dumbya stage his elaborate coronation ceremony, and at the end of the inaugural luncheon, you're not gonna believe what happened! I don't know if anyone else even noticed, but here it comes (ahem)...

They had Trent "Sheets" Lott talking at a podium, and he was introducing this nice painting someone made, and someone farted really loud! I swear I am not making this up!

Then Lott displayed these fancy crystal things, and Bush and his crew gathered around them to admire them. Through it all, someone kept ripping loud bunker blasts! They did it again and again!

When Sheets returned to the podium, the farting continued!

By this time, I was doubled over on the floor in my apartment laughing!

This is kind of like a combination of the time Reagan's nose ran at his second inauguration and when someone farted at the mayor of Chicago's funeral!

Saturday, January 15, 2005 03:30 a.m.

Writing a book is harder than I thought

It's January 15, and I thought I'd be done with my book by now, and in fact I am damn close. If I worked on my book nonstop for the next 5 hours, it would be done. That's a fact.

I can't bear to do that though. So you're just gonna have to wait.

Friday, January 14, 2005 12:48 a.m.

Pooing is cool

Indeed it is.

Saturday, January 8, 2005 02:54 p.m.

The neighbors said something funny

I don't like to gossip, but sometimes I just can't resist.

I just overheard the neighbors saying something really funny to their kids. They told them, "I just spent $100 on that thing and you go and ruin it."

Hear that everyone? RUIN!!!!! It's the magic word!

"Ruin" is such a great word!

Thursday, January 6, 2005 02:28 p.m.

Who'd have ever thought...

Earlier I read in a book that there's now an average of 13 cases of the plague each year in the United States. (It didn't say how many were fatal.)

Seriously, I thought the plague had been eradicated years ago. I guess it's like of those things like smallpox that was supposedly eradicated but now people have to worry about again.

I remember around 25 years ago, when I was probably about 6, I saw this old medical book from about 1912. It had a big section on smallpox, and somebody said, "Don't worry, you can't get smallpox anymore." Notice how once Bush seized power it was a different story. And everyone acts like it's not a big deal.

Amazing. Simply amazing.

Also, the reason I mentioned the plague that one time was that "plague" was one of those weird words Speak & Spell had. Sort of like "postpone". When I had this classic toy, I didn't know what "postpone" meant, so I assumed it had something to do with a bedpost.

Oh well. Back to working on the bookity-book.

Wednesday, January 5, 2005 10:34 p.m.

Book cover completed!

I have the front and back covers as well as the title ready for my book now. Yes, it's gonna be green.

Tuesday, January 4, 2005 08:41 p.m.

Yeah, I know...

Still working on the book.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004 12:44 a.m.

Something else that got ruined on "Seinfeld"

I've just been informed that something else got r00ined on "Seinfeld". This is an episode from the first season I don't ever remember seeing.

In this episode, Jerry complains to a dry cleaner that they shrunk his shirt, and the shirt is shown post-ruination. Then, there is a clip of him doing his stand-up routine, and he talks about dry cleaners and uses the magic word ("ruin") a couple of times.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004 12:59 a.m.

Still workin' on the bookity-book!

Still workin', folks!

I still would guess that I'll be done with the actual writing around January 5, maybe January 10 or 15, if I really get bogged down.

Then, I'll have my proofreader go over it for a week or two. Then I upload the manuscript to my publisher, which will take a few minutes.

Then I order my proof copy, which will take maybe a week. Then - assuming that goes right - my book will be available for sale. It's going to be sold in bookstores and at online retailers like Amazon.

So you may be able to buy a copy about a month from now.

Remember that I did have to take a few weeks off in November, so that sort of gummed up the works.

Saturday, December 25, 2004 11:35 p.m.

Flatulence: the Christmas tradition continues

Another Christmas is over, and I went to another family gathering.

About a half-hour before we went home, I was really starting to get worried. I was afraid we might go through an entire Christmas without detecting a bunker blast.

But in those final few minutes, my wishes were answered.

A funky scent wafted through the living room. The bouquet was unmistakable: Somebody had let off a trouser sneeze!

That's right, people. Someone let the frippins out! Why, I bet there's frippins skedaddling all over the streets of Campbell County right about now!

And it was a strong one too. It was stronger than the ones last year, though it lingered no more than 20 seconds or so. All in all, this was not as spectacular of a flatulence event as last Christmas was. But it was noteworthy nonetheless!

Monday, Dismember 20, 2004 11:01 p.m.

More uproarious bathroom mischief rumors

I just heard a rumor that a piece of poo-poo was sighted on the bathroom floor at Dillard's, and that at a University of Dayton basketball game a toilet almost overflowed and another toilet was found to have a big strand of snot draped across the seat.

Sunday, December 19, 2004 04:58 p.m.

Give a hoot! Write another ish!

I just put out the last issue of The Last Word.

The last issue of 2004, that is.

It looks like The Last Word's managed to make it into '05, so the next one will be volume 14, number 1.

Read it and peep:

members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw041219

Wednesday, December 15, 2004 07:50 p.m.

Another genius tries to drag my good name through cess

Just discovered a message board where some wiseass has taken it upon themselves to impersonate me while posting inflammatory messages, with my photo in the sig file.

I don't think anyone is fooled, but who knows? After all, this is the Internet, where people are idiots.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004 12:20 a.m.

20 years ago yesterday...

The 20th anniversary of the start of My Very First Suspension came and went, and I didn't even notice.

Damn, I should have never gone to school that day.

I had hoped to have the book published yesterday as a symbolic gesture, but I had to take 3 weeks off in November, so I'm still a couple weeks away from finishing my book.

Friday, December 10, 2004 12:38 a.m.

When "Wild Kingdom" was a symbol of despair

While we're on the topic of old TV shows, does anyone remember a show called "Mutual Of Omaha's Wild Kingdom"?

The only time I ever saw this show was in the '80s when some TV station didn't feel like showing what they originally had scheduled. For me, that's when "Wild Kingdom" Jumped The Shark (as that one website would say). The stations in Cincinnati did this a lot, as did the Chicago station we got on cable.

I don't even remember the name of that guy on that show. I think it was Marlin something (like the Florida Marlins).

"Wild Kingdom" would have been a much better show if it wasn't such a symbol of despair caused by having to miss whatever show was scheduled for its time slot.

Another thing TV stations in the '80s liked to show when they decided at the last minute not to show their scheduled programming was old black-and-white MovieTone newsreels from World War II.

Thursday, December 9, 2004 01:34 a.m.

When "Simpsons" characters bubble...tonight on Fox!

I don't know why I was thinking of this earlier, but anyway, I was trying to think of all the times on "The Simpsons" when a character bubbled.

In the episode where Ned Flanders throws a shitfit, Homer bubbled. There were several episodes where Bart bubbled. I think there was one where Bart and Milhouse went inside a candy store and both of them bubbled. There was one musical episode where Patty or Selma bubbled. There was one episode where that one girl in Lisa's class at school bubbled. In another episode, a person getting their hair done at a salon bubbled. In another, there's a store called Gum 'n' Such (or something like that), and a person standing outside the store bubbled.

I remember a "Popeye" cartoon where Popeye bubbled and floated into the air.

I don't know why I remember all this, but I also remember several references to "Sesame Street" on "The Simpsons". There was one where Homer sees a person sleeping in a dumpster and says, "Just like Oscar the Grouch!" In the episode where Homer runs for sanitation commissioner, they do a song where Oscar pops out of a trash can. In another, Milhouse gets a toy called a Tickle Me Krusty for Christmas (based on Tickle Me Elmo). In another hilarious episode, which I've only seen once, Homer is chased by numerous PBS characters including Mister Rogers and several "Sesame Street" Muppets.

This list, however, does not include references to Kermit the Frog, as he was on both "Sesame Street" and "The Muppet Show".

Wednesday, December 8, 2004 11:36 p.m.

Cannon will be used against you

I remember when I was about 6 or 7, I got really interested in all these cop shows on TV. There was one thing they always said that I misunderstood for years.

Whenever the cops arrested someone and read them their rights they said, "Anything you say can and will be used against you." I used to think they said, "Anything you say, cannon will be used against you."

I actually thought they meant that if the suspect said anything incriminating then a cannon would be fired at them. I was probably about 11 or 12 when I found out that wasn't what they said.

Don't get arrested, folks. Otherwise, a cannon may be used against you. Or at least that's what I thought they said.

Saturday, December 4, 2004 12:20 a.m.

Bleah!

Bleah! Bleah! Bleah!

Sunday, November 28, 2004 04:56 a.m.

Back when TV was better

Have you ever watched TV?

You may have!

I've watched TV before. The word "TV" is actually short for "television", which means "from afar vision". I bet you didn't know that, did you?

TV used to be so much better.

Today I was chitchatting with someone about what my favorite shows were. You know, nothing else (with the exception of "The Simpsons" and "Seinfeld") even comes close to "The Dukes Of Hazzard". People would be surprised that I would enjoy a show like that, but enjoy it I did, and enjoy it I still do.

"The Dukes Of Hazzard" was one show I INSISTED on never missing. I was furious when our TV broke back when that show was around and we didn't have a TV for ages (until we got that TV back from the shop). I was even more furious when my mom scheduled a family portrait at a professional studio for Friday at 8 PM so I'd end up missing "The Dukes Of Hazzard".

Except when we lacked a TV, I watched more TV in the early '80s than any time before or since. A lot of shows then were great, good, or maybe even watchable. I'm trying to think of what my other favorite shows were at the time, but I'm having a hard time thinking of any offhand, although I know there were some great ones.

I remember this one sitcom the rest of the family hated, so I liked it. I don't remember what it was called. Actually it was a pretty stupid show. I only liked it because my folks kept complaining about how stupid it was. It got canceled after about 3 episodes. Man, it was stupid! The highlight of it was some teenage kid getting punched in the mouth, and all the blood and gore that resulted. Apparently, this was supposed to be funny, as this was a sitcom.

I distinctly remember that I was eating a Pixie Stik (one of those candy things) when I saw this scene, and I was so fascinated by all the gore that I could barely finish my Pixie Stik.

Network TV declined rapidly starting around 1983, and I hardly watched the networks again until "The Simpsons" debuted. The big fad through most of the '80s was sitcoms about families who were perfect. That got real old real fast. I mean, all these TV families were so perfect and upper-class. How was anyone supposed to relate? And the one guy on that one show was a real dick. He got mad at his kids over NOTHING!

Saturday, November 27, 2004 05:00 p.m.

You're not gonna believe what I saw at Kroger today

Some woman bubbled.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004 07:38 p.m.

Feel the frustration in ish #413!

Notice I had to take a few weeks off from everything thanks to all the fascism lately.

Anyway, The Last Word is back with issue #413. You can sense the frustration at the Bush regime in this 12-pager:

members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw041124

Also, earlier I saw a Marathon gas station commercial in which a person bubbled. It just showed the person's mouth, not a whole face. It looked like a computer-generated animation rather than real gum.

Sunday, November 21, 2004 12:09 a.m.

When celebrities bubble...tonight at a special time after the 10:00 news!

What's more uproarious than people bubbling? CELEBRITIES bubbling!

Someone sent me a link to what may well be the goofiest website ever written. It's called Celebrities Blowing Bubbles.

I swear I'm not making this up.

Yes, it shows numerous authentic photos of celebrities blowing bubbles with bubble gum. You'd think celebrities wouldn't bubble, because you'd think they'd consider bubbling a hobby of the unlearned masses. But bubble they do.

A lot of the people on this page are hip, young celebrities in their 20s. A lot of them are people I've never even heard of. But it's the older celebrities that are the most hilarious, because I'd expect them to be even less likely to bubble. Probably because most people I know who are over 30 no longer have most of their teeth.

Here's one of the most ridiculous celebrity bubblers on that site. You're gonna crack up when I say who it is...

Amy Grant!

Supposedly (at least in '92) Amy Grant was a Republican. Republicans usually don't bubble. They've been known to detest gum. Don't let the invasion by the GOP of bubbling dull your participation in this sport.

Here's another celeb on that page who's even funnier. If you thought Amy Grant was funny, you're gonna think this is downright hilarious...

Martha Stewart!

Is that funny or what?

Here's the link to the Celebrities Blowing Bubbles page:

www.deansplanet.com/celeb_bubbles.html

Friday, November 19, 2004 10:52 p.m.

November is a toilety month

November is the toiletymost month of them all. (I just coined a new word - "toiletymost". Kind of like "uppermost". This new word describes the most toilety item in a series.)

Today my toilet almost overflowed.

Also, today is World Toilet Day. According to the World Toilet Organization, the World Toilet Summit is being held now in Beijing:

www.worldtoilet.org/events/events_WTS2004.htm

Coincidentally, yesterday was Plop Day, as I'm sure you know.

Elections are what makes November so toilety. Hell, the Plop Lecture never would have happened if not for the '88 election. I'm sure elections cause a lot of intestine-emptying, so toilets get a lot of use in November. And on Thanksgiving, people fix themselves big meals - so more waste gets excreted through the process of poopage.

Have a toilety month, everyone!

Wednesday, November 17, 2004 01:14 p.m.

Stinking is cool

Indeed it is.

Friday, November 12, 2004 09:18 p.m.

Damn, I'm mad!

I'm still mad!

Madder than a bird!

But one of these days, more roads are gonna get garbagey. Then I'll be less mad.

Now, I know a lot of you have been asking what happened to my mapping assignment after I broke my hand. Quite frankly, I've been abandoned with that. Around that time, they sent me a letter that said they would send me updates for the manual, which they never did. Eventually, I found a copy of their manual online, and it turns out they completely changed the name of this project and the methods for submitting data, without even telling me. I haven't heard from them in the months since.

So I assume they've abandoned me without even telling me. Typical.

That's why I've been writing my book instead.

Monday, November 8, 2004 10:55 a.m.

Toilets can get garbagey too!

I haven't had time to make anything else garbagey in the past few days, but you know what else besides roads can get garbagey?

Toilets!

Yes, toilets can get garbagey too!

That's what happened in '88 with the Art Schmidt flyer. I think it's time we do some ploppings!

Garbagey toilets can get - and garbagey they WILL get!

Also, I recalled another incident in which something gets RUINED on TV. There was an episode of "Welcome Back, Kotter" in which they visited a radio station and the guy at the station breaks an album right in two, and then he tries to glue it back together.

Now, on the subject of bubbling, someone sent me an e-mail that helps explain the urban legend about NBC's "Today" show having an "Annual Bubble Gum Day". For several years now, I've been told that they set aside one day each year for Katie Couric to blow bubbles with bubble gum for the entertainment of millions of viewers. I've never seen these episodes, but I often saw a goofy promo on Channel 5 a while back in which she did just that.

There's this one guy on this one mailing list who's a big admirer of Katie Couric. This guy was very distraught when NBC failed to show its annual bubble gum episode with Katie Couric in it.

Anyway, according to the article we were sent, there was a big contest recently between the best American bubbler and the best British bubbler. It was like the Olympics of bubbling. According to the article it was televised on the "Today" show.

I put two and two together, and I conclude that this must have been when Katie Couric bubbled. You know how whenever there's a story about bubble gum on the news, how the news person always stuffs a big wad of BG into their mouth? That must have been what the annual bubble gum episode of the "Today" show was, since apparently they have this contest every year.

I know I was watching the Channel 19 news one day when they mentioned something about a bubble gum blowing contest locally, and Regina Carswell was chompin' on a big ol' wad of Singapore contraband. (But she didn't bubble.)

Wednesday, November 3, 2004 03:34 a.m.

Dodd Drive: it got garbagey!

Garbagey Dodd Drive got.

Why?

Congress was enough, regardless of the outcome of the presidential "election".

So garbagey the roadway got. The roads will get even more garbagey if the need arises.

They need to be SO garbagey! Garbagey they will continue to get as long as stupid people are allowed to vote.

Tuesday, November 2, 2004 11:35 a.m.

Fraud report, fraud report!

Big surprise, huh?!

I voted this morning. Tried to, at least. Somehow I doubt if it even counted, but you can't fault me for trying.

One good thing is that this election had by far the highest turnout I've ever seen in 13 years I've been allowed to vote. I know how the Rethuglicans just hate high turnout (especially since this is a Democratic precinct), since they always do best when nobody shows up, but anyway, I waited in line for 45 minutes since it was so crowded.

Now, here's the suspicious part: Write-in votes are impossible with that machine. Try to do a write-in, and it will not work. Period. The next person who tries it is going to find my name filled into the space for write-ins, because I tried voting for myself for City Council or Board of Education and it didn't work.

Also, the "no" button for the constitutional amendment doesn't work right. You have to press it many times for it to work. That's vote fraud right there, so don't assume the final results are a reflection of the outlook of Kentucky voters.

We can expect court challenges just on the basis of this stuff. You'd think the government would have learned its lesson about faulty voting equipment, but I guess that's too much to ask.

Monday, November 1, 2004 06:53 p.m.

My Election Day bash!

I'd hate to disappoint you, if you're chomping at the bit for this blog to provide live coverage of the rigging of the election again, but tomorrow I'm going out for my biannual Election Day bash!

Oh, the so-called election WILL be rigged by the Republicans. I don't know if it will be enough this time, but it WILL happen to some extent, because it always does. Of course, they may lose anyway, so be sure to cast your vote, so the effect of the Republicans' cheating can be minimized.

Also, I did see a person bubbling today.

Sunday, October 31, 2004 10:13 p.m.

Speaking of bubbling...

Twice today, out of the corner of my eye, I saw people bubbling.

And yes, these were adults. I know there's always a lot of bubble gum in circulation on Halloween, but these were adults - not some kids who got bubble gum in their trick-or-treat bags.

Sunday, October 31, 2004 11:00 a.m.

A funny rumor I heard

I just heard a rumor that there's some commercial for some DVD player or something in which a person bubbles.

Saturday, October 30, 2004 12:00 a.m.

Ah! Some endorsements! Ew! And a new ish!

I just put out ish #412 of The Last Word!

This is a big 12-page ish, and it's got a new look. It has my election endorsements and the full account of my Toronto trip.

Read it and peep:

members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw041029

To sum up my endorsements, in case you can't access my latest ish:

President and Vice-President of the U.S.: Kerry/Edwards (D)
U.S. Senate (Kentucky): Mongiardo (D)
U.S. House (Kentucky-4th): Slider (I)
Kentucky constitutional amendment: No

And remember, the election is this coming Tuesday, so let's make sure I don't have to make the roadways garbagey again.

Thursday, October 28, 2004 10:53 p.m.

"Ointment" is a funny word

"Ointment" is a hilarious word!

I remember the first time I heard this word, when I was about 5 or 6, I practically cracked up laughing. There's no other word in the English language that sounds anything like it!

I forgot how funny it was until I was 28 when that one asshole ran me off the road in Villa Hills with an SUV and practically scraped all my skin off on the rough pavement. Then the hospital prescribed an ointment - which caused me to burst into laughter. I kept calling it "oinkment" just to see if anyone would notice.

I may still have some of that ointment left over from 3 years ago. I bet it smells worse than a bunker blast now.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004 08:07 p.m.

Will the good citizens of Bellevue get to enjoy garbagey roads again?

In about 6 days from now - almost exactly - we'll probably know whether the roadways of Bellevue, Dayton, and the surrounding neighborhoods are gonna get garbagey.

They got garbagey last year because of the rigged governor election, and the year before because of rigged congressional elections. Will they get garbagey again?

Hopefully, as a voter, you'll be able to prevent that from happening. That's because if the election don't go smoothly, I make the roads garbagey! It's a tradition. Garbagey roads maketh an ungarbagey conscience.

This Election Day, let's close the book on the GOPstapo. Otherwise, Oscar's gonna be feasting on the roadways of Bellevue!

Friday, October 22, 2004 11:23 p.m.

Kazoos are cool

Did you ever have a kazoo?

Back when I was a kid I used to have a kazoo.

I remember how the '80s began for me. I ruined a brand new kazoo on January 1, 1980. I don't remember how I accomplished this. But I ruined it completely.

I didn't intend to ruin my kazoo, but ruin it I did.

Later I had another kazoo, but I don't know what I ever did with it.

I know I never tried to blow bubbles with bubble gum through a kazoo, so I know that's not how my other kazoo got ruined. About 5 years ago, however, there was this one web page where some guy talked about doing just that.

In music class in 8th grade there was this one kid who just couldn't grasp how a kazoo was supposed to work. The teacher or some guest speaker brang in a kazoo, and this kid in my class kept blowing into it like it was a horn, not realizing that's not how you play a kazoo.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004 10:06 p.m.

I've changed my mind about something...

...and it ain't the election.

In the previous entry I said I was going to make the next ish of The Last Word the last one ever. Well, that was all it took for people to demand that I continue publishing this legendary populist zine after 12 years.

So it looks like the party may continue. Aren't you thrilled?

Sunday, October 17, 2004 10:54 p.m.

Who can it be now?

I just pulled one over on the ruling regime by not only cramming 2 overnight road trips into one year but also by going international to see one of the greatest musicians of all-time live on stage!

I've been gone all weekend to see Colin Hay of Men At Work in concert in the Toronto area. What an incredible guitarist! We even chitchatted with him a little bit after the show!

This is one of the highlights of the millennium!

I'll post more details later. Right now I'm gonna get to work on the final installment of what has been my main project for the past 12 years.

Friday, October 15, 2004 10:16 p.m.

"Dynasty" is a funny word

I thought of another word that's sort of funny: "dynasty".

I think the first place I ever heard this word was with the debut of that TV show "Dynasty" that my mom always watched. The reason it was such a funny word is that I thought it was pronounced "die nasty", so every time this word was uttered I did this little thing where I "died nasty": I spewed out a bunch of bad words and pretended I was dying.

I could never understand why my mom liked those shows like "Dynasty" and "Dallas" so much. Another show like that was something about flamingoes. It had this guy who wore a Boss Hogg suit and hat and one of those little Colonel Sanders things, and it lasted about 2 episodes.

Thursday, October 14, 2004 12:52 a.m.

Candy corn time

Have you ever thought that a personal possession was hopelessly lost - only to have it reappear years after you've assumed you'd never find it again?

Well, that just happened to me with a book that I have.

A few of you know what I'm talking about here, just because of the reference to candy corns (for the author's head was shaped like one), but it's really irrelevant what book it was.

The funny thing about this is that I borrowed this book from Brossart's library right before I was expelled, and then - because of the way I was treated there (financially and otherwise) - I decided to keep the book instead of returning it. So it was now my book.

But then about 4 years (ahem) ago, it was misplaced during a cleaning of my apartment. I never saw it again. I feared that somebody had returned the book to Brossart. Not like I'd miss it much, but it's the principle that matters.

Now, just a few minutes ago, I was cleaning my closet and found a paper grocery bag full of books that was buried in the very back of the closet. And guess what was there?

You guessed it!

So it's a satisfying victory over the forces of Brossartism!

Wednesday, October 13, 2004 10:31 p.m.

Dumbya loses another debate

Surprise, surprise.

Did anyone else notice early in the debate all the saliva collecting on the corners of his mouth?

Also notice the deafening silence when he made that stupid remark about CBS.

Of course, I'm posting this before the networks have their chance to put their pro-Bush spin on the debate and brainwash everyone into thinking Bush somehow won it.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004 03:27 p.m.

Those were the days...

Someone told me of another instance where something gets RUINED on TV.

Supposedly this one hasn't been aired on TV in years, so the details are kind of fuzzy, but anyway...

There's supposedly an old, old episode of "All In The Family" in which Edith has some expensive fur coat or hat or something like that, and it gets ruined when somebody accidentally spills spaghetti sauce on it.

I don't remember ever seeing that episode, but I'm sure it was quite a hilarious scene!

Monday, October 11, 2004 02:28 p.m.

Aw hell, let's go to Shell

Earlier at the Shell station, the cashier kept blowing bubbles with a big green wad of bubble gum.

Saturday, October 9, 2004 12:33 a.m.

Big surprise: Bush loses another debate

His vile record as dictator aside, it's hard to see how anyone can take Bush seriously after the performance he gave in Friday's debate.

The part in the middle where he interrupted Charlie Gibson and kept winking was the most humiliating.

This debate was Bush's worst performance yet, and if his poll numbers survive this it will be a miracle.

Thursday, October 7, 2004 03:08 p.m.

Blog bullies and other fascists (a new ish!)

Aren't you sick of the right-wing blogs pushing news organizations around because they dare to report something negative about Bush?

That's the main topic of the latest ish of The Last Word, which I now have posted here:

members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw041007

Wednesday, October 6, 2004 03:48 a.m.

The Steely Dan Library smelled funny

I remember back around '94 when I went to NKU the library there smelled really weird. Especially the lower floors.

Strangely, the closet in my apartment has acquired that exact same aroma. I started cleaning my closet earlier, and that smell brang back many fond memories of the Steely Dan Libe!

I also found several big boxes full of papers I haven't seen in years. I don't mean stuff from the Last Word era either. I mean OLD stuff!

I found this one sheet of notebook paper that was meticulously folded, so I unfolded it and saw the reason why I kept that paper folded and hidden all those years. It was my own little handwritten journal of things I did and saw around 1/15/88 or thereabouts, so of course that brang back memories. Then I promptly tore the sheet up into itty bitty pieces and threw them away, since I figured I got enough entertainment out of it.

Because I was born in '73 and this sheet was written in '88 you can probably guess what the primary subject matter was.

Also I found all my old Bro$$art yearbooks which I thought I had lost years ago.

Wednesday, October 6, 2004 12:36 a.m.

Hydrogen peroxide cures colds

This is something I've learned from the Internet in recent months: Hydrogen peroxide prevents and cures common colds.

But you don't drink it! Instead, you pour it into your ears!

This practice is common in Germany, India, and around the world - but not in America. The American health care system is not very clueful these days, so now I've found what appears to be a heavy clue stick to bat some sense into it.

Every few days, you should grab your bottle of hydrogen peroxide, fill the cap with the liquid, lay down on your side, and pour it into each ear. Avoid getting the hydrogen peroxide on clothes, bed sheets, blankets, or carpets, because it can discolor and ruin them. (Hahaha!!! RUIN!!!)

Let the hydrogen peroxide slither down inside your ear. After about a minute, the liquid will bubble. No, not THAT kind of bubble. It will fizz like a sodie-pop. After 5 or 10 minutes, tilt your head back the other way, until all the hydrogen peroxide oozes back out.

Repeat this process with the other ear.

This apparently prevents colds if you do it at least once every few days or so. Supposedly, it even cures colds that are already in progress - causing the symptoms to begin to clear up rather quickly (perhaps within a few hours). The secret is that most cold germs enter through the ears, so hydrogen peroxide in the ears is the best way to kill the germs.

I've used hydrogen peroxide as a preventive measure since around July, and I haven't had anything resembling a cold during all these months - even though I would otherwise expect to, considering that colds always become more common with Republicans in office (as I've experienced before).

So I'd bet that this treatment does have some merit - especially since it's used in countries that have a much better health care system (i.e., most countries). When all else fails (as it has), there's no harm in doing what America's health care industry would never think to recommend.

Tuesday, October 5, 2004 10:40 p.m.

Cheney can't debate his way out of a wet paper bag either

Dick Cheney's a nasty, nasty man. I think his nastiness did him in this time.

If the debates keep going like this, then Bush is gonna have to be dragged kicking and screaming out of the White House (since you know if he loses the election he won't abide by it).

Monday, October 4, 2004 11:20 p.m.

More humor

Earlier at Kroger, I saw 2 different people bubbling.

Sunday, October 3, 2004 08:29 p.m.

Another weird dream involving Bro$$art, "The Dukes Of Hazzard", and toilets

I had another weird dream last night.

In this dream (as in many others) I was still attending Bro$$art. Anyway, in this dream I was walking down the road in front of the bowling alley in Highland Heights. Laying on the sidewalk I found a sack full of old phone books that was used as a prop in the filming of an episode of "The Dukes Of Hazzard" (the one where Cletus makes his debut as an armored truck driver).

I'm so excited about finding a "Dukes Of Hazzard" prop that I take it into school to show everyone.

I don't remember what happens there, but later I'm watching TV and they show a newsreel from the early '80s that shows an aerial view of the world's largest bathroom - which is supposedly in a large structure painted with orange and black Bengals stripes on top of the rim of the old Riverfront Stadium.

Thursday, September 30, 2004 10:53 p.m.

Bush can't debate his way out of a wet paper bag

Well, I'm finished watching the debate. You'd think Bush would lose the election after people see it, but with all the spin by the right-wing blogs, you can't count on that.

I've seen worse debate performances before, but I can't remember exactly when - probably the last time I saw Bush in a debate.

He just thoroughly stank tonight. Not like I expected anything better, because Bush fails at everything he tries.

Sunday, September 26, 2004 08:36 p.m.

Getting closer to finishing the book!

I'm almost done with the Bro$$art part! Since I'm working on it chronologically, this means I'm almost done with the whole book, since the primary focus of it ends at the end of my Bro$$art years.

I'm up to about when the toilet paper fire was.

Now it's 270 pages or 74,588 words.

Friday, September 24, 2004 11:05 p.m.

Another gem from the Far Rightists

Here's the latest stupid thing that the RNC operatives have said on that message board:

"The judicial branch was never meant to be able to interpret the Constitution anyway."

Then what the fuck is the judicial branch for, asswipe?

Damn, these conservatives are getting nuttier by the fucking hour lately!

Friday, September 24, 2004 09:21 p.m.

How conservatives debate

Here's an example of how the RNC-bankrolled Nazis debate:

"You want to make as much as everyone else? THEN WORK AS HARD AS EVERYONE ELSE!!!

"Communist."

Oh now that will really help your cause, moron. It's no wonder these assholes have kept on posting the same crap like this for as long as anyone's heard of the Internet.

Friday, September 24, 2004 08:34 p.m.

RNC trolls are bullgoose loopy!!!

I think I've seen enough of this shit to last for one lifetime, don't you?

More and more lately I've noticed deliberate efforts by the Republican National Committee to run people off of nonpartisan message boards for disagreeing with them. Almost all these accounts you see on these boards like this that spout conservative propaganda are paid RNC operatives.

There's one board in particular that's been overrun by these right-wing hooligans lately, even though it's designed to be a nonpartisan board. The fascists aren't interested in intelligent discussion. They're just interested in shouting down dissenters. They constantly post ideas for new laws and amendments that are patently absurd, and when they run out of ideas, they insult people who disagree with them.

But don't you dare insult them back. They'll cry to the moderator that their pwecious widdle feewings got hurt.

You know they're RNC operatives, because they post the EXACT SAME CRAP as 10 years ago!

For instance, they've been cluttering up the message board in question with their idea for a law to bar people who receive public assistance from voting. This is the same thing they were babbling about on Usenet way back when.

A friend of mine found another golden oldie like this that they keep bringing up again: the "no nation has ever taxed itself into prosperity" schtick. They always ignore the fact that the most prosperous countries have a tax structure that is much more steeply graduated than America's is.

But the RNC trolls keep adding new crap to their large library of crap that's already accumulated. Lately, for instance, they've begun to insist that West Virginia (because it's one of few states run by Democrats) is a fake state that never was created.

On that message forum today, one of the Nazis charged that Democrats "want to pass 'hate speech' laws that would be contrary to the Bible."

Isn't that just the silliest thing you've ever heard of? These conservatives claim a law AGAINST hate crimes violates the Bible!!!

These RNC trolls are fucking bullgoose loopy!!!

What's worse is, people now are actually brainwashed enough to believe this shit! All because some Republican operative said it - which we all know must make it true!

This is fucking INSANITY!!!!!

It's no wonder the world's laughing at the U.S. now.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004 01:49 p.m.

The prisoner who chewed bubble gum

Something interesting happened on "America's Most Wanted" on Saturday that I should have mentioned then.

They did this story on some prison inmate whose primary concern was acquiring bubble gum. He wanted bubble gum for when he escaped, because he thought that if he chewed gum and blew bubbles he would look less suspicious.

I swear I'm not making this up. If they don't catch this guy, they might run this story again, so don't miss it.

Sunday, September 19, 2004 06:42 p.m.

Ploptoberfest

I managed to get in 2 fights in less than an hour today, but I'll get to that.

Both yesterday and today I went to Oktoberfest in Cincinnati. (Yeah, I know it's September, but that's just the way it is.) This turned out to be the most eventful occasion like this I've had in quite some time, possibly ever. And I don't necessarily mean that in a good way - well, unless you consider fights good. Which I sort of do, because it's gotten me in a good fightin' mood again, which I needed.

Yesterday at Oktoberfest, I saw a cop hassling some old man. Now, there was some Bush and Kerry people there to hand out stickers. A lot more people got Kerry stickers than Bush stickers, and a couple of times I saw some asshole wearing a Bush sticker trying to grab all the stickers from the Kerry people and tear them up. Now, you know I'm probably voting for Kerry, so of course I picked up a Kerry sticker, but anyway...

The portable restrooms were amusing, and that's why I call the event Ploptoberfest. In one restroom, someone pissed all over a big pile of religious tracts. In another, someone threw a paper cup in the toilet bowl, and in another, someone tossed a beer bottle into the abysmal depths of the johnnypot.

I did see some old schoolmates, but they didn't start any trouble.

Also I saw a person bubbling. (You knew that was coming, didn't you?)

Now, I went to Oktoberfest again today. This is when things got ug.

Since I know you're gonna ask, I did see 2 people bubbling today (one of whom gave her used gum to some little kid when she was done).

Anyway, I was standing down on Fountain Square, lookin' at the fountain while the music was playing. I had my little Kerry sticker on my shirt, so I knew I was asking for trouble from those who might take umbrage at it. But I thought to myself, I'm not gonna be bullied by Bush's cultists.

Now, as I was standing there, some guy who was probably in his late 20s, who was there with his family (including a small child), approached me and accused me of making a pass at his wife.

Of course, I hadn't made a pass at his wife. You probably think I did, just because I was accused of it, but I didn't.

So I said, "What the hell are you talking about?"

Then I looked down, and the guy has his hand at his side, and he's holding something metal and pointing at me.

That guy's got a knife! I thought to myself.

So I started walking away, then it finally began to sink in that yes, someone really did pull a knife on me. Right there in the crowd of hundreds of people, no less!

This man wasn't some rough-looking character. He was a fratboy type.

So anyway, I said to myself, Well, I've been run off from Oktoberfest. Now what?

So I decided to head on home, and when I got to where the ol' bikey was parked, I found out it was vandalized with a Bush sticker.

Now, you know I've got tons of left-wing stickers on my bike. I'm surprised it wasn't vandalized worse. I know Bush's people like to vandalize stuff if someone disagrees with them. And I so fucking dare them to.

So I yanked off the Bush sticker, tore it up, and threw it in the street.

Then I went home on the Taylor-Southgate Bridge and got up to 3rd & York in Newport. I was right across from that bus shelter, which nobody ever uses as a bus shelter, because TANK hardly ever comes by there now (especially on Sundays). Now, there was a group of about 5 preppy thugs (much like the guy who pulled a knife on me) hanging out there.

They started taunting me to fight them from across the road, so I say to myself, I'm gonna fight these idiots.

So I ride up to 4th, turn around and come back down. I hastened that bike to full speed, and I screeched to a halt right in front of the thugs. An argument over politics ensued. Then the man who was probably in his 40s stomped on my right foot as hard as he could.

So I got back on the bike, zipped over towards Monmouth, then decided I needed to fight them some more, so I went back. But then I noticed they were walking towards the courthouse, in an effort to get me in trouble by fighting them there (with their political cronies around).

Never mind that the courthouse probably ain't open on Sundays. That probably didn't occur to them.

So I fled when I could.

This is the closest thing to the Devou Park Showdown I've been involved with in 4 years. Oktoberfest will go down in history for this.

Keep in mind that I didn't start these fights. Yeah, I saw a few people with Bush stickers at Oktoberfest, but I just gave them a friendly nod and moved on. I figured they were too brainwashed to bother with - unless they started something with me first. The fights later taught anew the old lesson that - while you can't attack someone just because of a sticker - you have to play a good defense when they attack you first.

Friday, September 17, 2004 02:47 p.m.

Yet another public bubbling for your amusement

Earlier I went to the bank, and on the way over there some old lady walking up the street bubbled.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004 12:10 a.m.

Full story about Louisville trip finally posted!

Ever since my vacation in Topeka in 1995, The Last Word has always printed a detailed account of each vacation trip.

Now I've got a new ish out, which in addition to discussing last month's Louisville trip, also talks about how Bush's followers are whining about those memos being released and about how typewriters don't have proportional fonts even though some did:

http://members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw040914

Tuesday, September 14, 2004 03:30 a.m.

The bubble gum got ruined

I just thought of what would quite possibly be the most hilarious phrase or sentence in the English language, and it's probably never been printed anywhere before:

The bubble gum got ruined.

You can search on Amazon to see if this phrase has ever been printed in any book they sell.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004 03:19 a.m.

Mr. Snuffle-Upagus is luded

Man, that Mr. Snuffle-Upagus is luded!

You can always tell he's luded, because he talks in that mellow voice and because he blinks real slow. He's luded beyond hope!

I guess he decided to go get luded because he was mad that people didn't believe he existed for all those years.

Big Bird needs to get his friend Snuffy into rehab!

I wonder if Mr. Snuffle-Upagus sticks his trunk up his own ass so he can smell his own bunker blasts.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004 02:55 a.m.

Give a hoot! Mortgage a "Sesame Street" pennant!

You may notice that "pennant" might be spelled wrong. It might be "penant" or "pennent". Oh well, I only went to school for 18 years, am I supposed to know how to read or something?

Anyway, I just thought of one of the few things that truly frightened me when I was young.

When I was about 4 or 5, "Sesame Street On Ice" came to Cincinnati, and we got this penent with goofy drawings of "Sesame Street" Muppets on it. We hung it on the wall over my bed. I'm a big fan of Oscar the Grouch, but on this penannt he had this mean look on his face, and it terrified me.

Now, there was this board game called Easy Money, which was kind of like Monopoly, except all the housing values were updated to '70s levels. You could mortgage your houses in this game, and when you mortgaged them you would flip them up on their sides. I invented a new rule that said that if a player got mad and pounded on the board in a fit of rage, causing their houses to flip up on their sides, their houses would be considered mortgaged and they'd have to pay it off.

Well anyhow, I got scared enough by the "Sesame Street" pennint that I "mortgaged" it by somehow adjusting it so it was perpendicular to the wall, so I didn't have to see it.

'Twas kinda neat!

Tuesday, September 14, 2004 01:26 a.m.

"Racketeering" is a funny word

Am I the only one who can't help snickering whenever they say something on the news about some mobster or a member of Congress getting indicted for racketeering?

"Racketeering" is a hilarious word.

Bro$$art engaged in racketeering. They ought to be charged under the RICO statute. Not because "racketeering" is such a funny word, but because they're actually racketeers. I would laugh my ass off if that's what they were charged with - both because it's a funny word and because they deserve to be charged.

Monday, September 13, 2004 01:55 p.m.

Another day in paradise

Yesterday I saw a Phil Collins look-alike riding a bike down the street.

Sunday, September 12, 2004 03:56 a.m.

About typewriters

Typewriters smell nice.

Monday, September 6, 2004 12:54 a.m.

Rip-off-fest strikes again!

Man, what a boring Rip-off-fest! Yes, I'm sure both of the people who showed up for Rip-off-fest in Bellevue this year are deeply chagrined by this.

Before the so-called festivities I saw a young woman walking down the street blow a bubble with bubble gum.

Later a group of teenagers was walking down the street and one of them ripped a loud fart.

Friday, September 3, 2004 12:26 a.m.

More proof St. Joe's and Bro$$art were worse than Cline

In case anyone's still deluded enough to actually think public schools I attended were worse than private schools, I've been working on my book again lately, and here's what we've got on each of the Terrible Trio:

• 33 pages on Cline
• 34 pages on St. Joe's, even though I went to Cline longer
• 49 pages on Brossart, even though I'm only done with 1½ years (less than the amount of time I attended Cline)

Oh, and the book is at 67,722 words now. It ain't easy to write about my sophomore year, but I'm trying.

Wednesday, September 1, 2004 02:29 a.m.

More funny words

Another funny word like "ruin" and "viaduct" is "waft".

Farts waft.

They really do! When I say bunker blasts waft, I really mean they waft!

Another word that's mildly amusing is "cozy". I remember cracking up laughing once at NKU over by the box sculpture in the fall of '94 because someone used this word to describe a coat.

Once in the late '90s I was with a group of friends and burst out laughing while making a list of funny words I made up. The only words I listed before bursting into laughter were "wodded" (variant of "wadded") and "skeezebag", which was used so much in The Last Word that it's now almost in common usage.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004 02:37 a.m.

Why the fuck do idiots get dogs they don't take care of?

For the past few days the neighborhood has been practically brung to a standstill because some ASSHOLE won't take care of their dog!!!

Since around last Thursday some STUPID DIPSHIT has kept their dog chained in their yard nonstop - through heat, rain, and thunderstorms - and nobody has taken care of the dog.

Nobody plays with the dog, nobody feeds the dog, and nobody pays attention to the dog. The dog simply sits there and barks nonstop and keeps the whole neighborhood awake. The barking has been constant for 5 days now.

What the fuck is the point in getting a dog if all you do is let your dog sit outside with nobody around to pay attention to them???

Is it just so you can say you have a dog?

Around midnight I decided to call the cops. In addition to being a nuisance, it was clear the dog wasn't being cared for.

A few minutes later, some guy in the neighborhood got fed up with the dog barking, so he yelled at the dog to be quiet. But instead it just got worse.

So a few minutes ago I called the cops again. The dispatcher said the cops visited that house on my earlier complaint, but nobody was home. Apparently whoever lives there has been out of town for 5 days and has left the dog in the back yard unattended the entire time.

But the dispatcher said that as soon as the idiots who live in that house arrive home they will receive a citation.

Finally!

Somebody ought to go to PRISON over this!

Think what would happen if you left a child or an elderly person unattended for 5 days! You'd go to JAIL (and deservedly so)!!!

Whoever lives in that house has got to be the ST00PIDEST person alive for not taking care of their dog!!!!!

Friday, August 27, 2004 06:14 p.m.

Bubbling: an international sport!

Maybe they should make bubbling an event in the Olympics!

I've just been informed that in jolly old England they really like blowing bubbles with bubble gum.

According to rumor, a woman was seen bubbling at Harrod's - the ritziest store in London - and a man was seen bubbling on the subway.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004 01:36 a.m.

I'd hate to spoil the party after 11 years, but...

A few of you will really be disappointed, but sometimes even the best warhorses have to be put out to pasture.

Yes, I think it's time to move on.

I'm thinking I can make it to issue #413 or so, but we'll have to see how the election goes, won't we?

America has slowly declined, and my recent efforts have failed to stem this mind-numbing decay. My heart isn't in it like it used to be, and it doesn't help matters that one of the largest ISPs in America blocks my main site so none of its users can read my commentaries.

So enjoy the ol' Word while you can. It may be approaching its final days.

Monday, August 23, 2004 10:52 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #410 is here!

Issue #410 of The Last Word is now pub!

There's even an article about the latest bit of Bro$$art tyranny I've found in my e-mail box.

You can find the latest issue at:

http://members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw040823

Tuesday, August 17, 2004 09:58 p.m.

Yes, there's pictures!

No, there's no pictures of the woman who bubbled. Just some pictures I took of roads, bridges, buildings, and other public features in Louisville.

I have 28 pictures, which are divided among 2 pages:

http://www.angelfire.com/yt2/lastword/roadpics/louisville04a.html

http://www.angelfire.com/yt2/lastword/roadpics/louisville04b.html

Tuesday, August 17, 2004 09:50 p.m.

My annual vacation!

Well, I got back from my yearly trip yesterday!

From Saturday to Monday, I was on vacation in the Louisville area, particularly Clarksville, IN. A few weird things happened, but maybe I'll get to that in a later entry in this blog or in a separate article in The Last Word.

I only saw one person bubbling. When we were waiting on the patio outside the visitors center at Wyandotte Cave, right before the cave tour began, some woman blew a bubble with bubble gum.

Friday, August 13, 2004 11:45 p.m.

Another evening at the carnival

I went to the Bellevue Vets carnival again. Now, tomorrow I'm not going to be able to go, because I'm doing something else.

Tonight I only saw one person bubbling.

People peed behind the portable restrooms, because the restrooms were being monopolized.

Thursday, August 12, 2004 11:43 p.m.

More boredom

I just got home from the annual Bellevue Vets carnival.

I try to go to as many things like this as possible, so I can report back to my followers if there was any mischief. For the past few years, however, I've been disappointed by the lack of hilarious hijinks at the Bellevue Vets carnival.

However I did see some woman bubbling at the carnival today.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004 04:40 p.m.

This blog has a sense of humor

The Republicans are mad at this blog again!

They don't understand how a blog that uses the phrase "bubble gum" can be taken seriously when it offers live coverage of the Republicans' rigging of an election.

Now, I'm sure Brit Hume has at some point in his life uttered the words "bubble gum", yet I don't see them criticizing Fox News Channel's election coverage.

I guess I need to start prefacing every entry with the words "serious" or "funny" so they know whether something humorous is going to happen in each entry.

There's actually a game called mullet spotting, in which you punch your friend in the arm every time you see a person with a mullet. Well, that's what this blog does every time I see a person blowing a bubble with bubble gum. It's like mullet spotting, only it's bubble spotting.

Now that falls under "funny".

But the Republicans stealing an election is categorized as "serious".

Make sense?

Tuesday, August 10, 2004 01:15 a.m.

When you're here, you're a celebrity look-alike

Another day, another celebrity look-alike spotted at a restaurant!

I just heard a rumor that some guy who looked just like the actor on "Seinfeld" who played Jerry's dad was sighted at Olive Garden.

Sunday, August 8, 2004 09:50 p.m.

It's funny when people bubble

I spent most of the weekend at my mom's house watching her dog.

A young woman was alleged to have bubbled while getting out of her car right before I left to go to my mom's house.

Also, I saw an old rerun of "All In The Family" in which a character bubbled.

In addition, I heard a rumor of another celebrity look-alike. This time some guy who looked exactly like Tiger Woods was sighted at Texas Roadhouse.

Tuesday, August 3, 2004 04:04 p.m.

Give a hoot! Troll a message board!

There's this one message board I just love trolling under a handle, because I think it's one of the most petty message boards I've ever seen. The funny thing is that people actually respond to my troll posts! Hahaha! This is SO FUNNY!

Also, I've got a publisher lined up for my upcoming book, which is due out around December or January. It will be available through bookstores and online retailers, so you know this isn't just something I wrote down on a paper grocery bag and stapled together.

Monday, August 2, 2004 02:15 a.m.

On the road again...

On Sunday a Willie Nelson look-alike was sighted walking down the street.

Also I've been told that someone took a dump all over the floor of a restroom at the Kroger in Latonia.

Friday, July 30, 2004 04:55 p.m.

Lulu Hogg said the magic word too!

Hahahahaha, this is funny!

On "The Dukes Of Hazzard", when the character of Boss Hogg's wife Lulu is first introduced, her VERY FIRST LINE in the ENTIRE SERIES is: "This is gonna ruin my birthday!"

Hear that, folks? RUIN!!!!!

Lulu throws a big temper tantrum because the used car owner sold the Rolls Royce that Boss Hogg had planned on getting her for her birthday.

A few minutes later Boss Hogg also says the magic word!

A lot of cars got RUINED in that episode!!!

What a great "Dukes Of Hazzard" episode that was! That was great how the Dukes put those mower blades on that old tow truck and ripped the doors off the counterfeiters' cars when they drove past!

Tuesday, July 27, 2004 11:14 p.m.

The governor of Arizona said the magic word!

Janet Napolitano said "ruin"!

Also, I saw some woman blowing a bubble with bubble gum at Kroger earlier.

In addition, I found another "Seinfeld" episode where something gets RUINED! It's the one where Kramer goes through all that trouble to get that statue from the guy who supposedly stole it, then after all that, he pats George on the back, causing him to drop the statue and break it into a zillion pieces!

Saturday, July 24, 2004 02:06 a.m.

Another ish!

I just put out a new ish of The Last Word:

members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw040724

Not much in this issue though. I could really add a lot more, considering how the Republicans have been averaging at least 3 major scandals per day lately.

Thursday, July 22, 2004 11:59 p.m.

Book nearly done?

I've discovered that I'm surprisingly close to finishing writing my book.

I'm into 9th grade and have done part of 10th grade (which was the worst year), so there's really not that much left. The end of 9th grade is two-thirds of the way through the story!

I have 56,789 words so far!

Sunday, July 18, 2004 12:00 a.m.

31 years of misery

I'm 31, I can do what I want! I'm 31, I can do what I want! I'm 31, I can do what I want! I'm 31, I can do what I want! I'm 31, I can do what I want! I'm 31, I can do what I want! And yooouuuuuuuuuu can't!

Wednesday, July 14, 2004 03:12 p.m.

The last known yellow stop sign in Northern Kentucky found!

I felt weak again today, but I was able to muster the energy to do just a little bit of Roads Scholaring!

Recently I found a website on the area's abandoned railroads, which includes this:

http://homepage.mac.com/jjakucyk/Transit1/ln/pages/page_5.html

Look closely at the right-hand side of the photo, where the fence meets the building, and you'll see a yellow stop sign!

I got in a massive flamewar on the Internet at the hands of those who adamantly insist the stop sign never was yellow and is just a red one that is rusted. (No, I'm not talking about the newer red stop sign on the fence.) Today I saw that stop sign still standing, and I've verified it's a genuine yellow!

This is at 9th & Lowell in Newport. You'll see it going northwest on Lowell. It's within a few hundred feet of my work territory, so I just missed discovering it earlier.

This is the last remaining yellow stop sign that I know of anywhere in Northern Kentucky or Cincinnati that is intended for roadway traffic. This is not counting the one in that lumber yard in Covington.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004 11:21 p.m.

Toilet paper is funny

Today I saw a cop buying toilet paper.

Friday, July 9, 2004 11:42 p.m.

Orange juice is cool

Orange juice pibs like a mullet!

Remember that orange juice ad where the guy opens up the refrigerator and sneezes all over the sandwich?

That was mighty stupid, wasn't it?

Personally, I much preferred the commersh where a person slowly lifts the orange juice container up to their mouth and spills it.

Monday, July 5, 2004 12:42 a.m.

Finally! A good solid Fourth!

This was the best Fourth of July we've had in probably over 5 years!

All sorts of neet poo goes on in the Belv on July 4, and this was likely the most exciting Independence Day celebration since our bonfire years of the '90s.

Early in the evening, some folks who lived nearby used a half a stick of dynamite to shoot a 15-gallon bucket about 80 feet into the air! The blast blew off the base of the bucket!

Later they found a rotten, hollowed-out melon and used dynamite to blow it apart! That would be cool if Gallagher started using dynamite in his act!

Also, some other folks unfurled a string of several thousand firecrackers that was almost a whole city block long. They detonated the firecrackers all at once in the alley.

The city was a canvas for these unconventional methods of detonating fireworks!

When I got home, I saw that someone had crashed their car into a stone wall on my street. The cops arrested the young woman who drove the car after finding a half-empty bottle of wine on her front seat.

Now, since the driver was clearly under 21, this proves once again what a failure Reagan's national 21 drinking age is. This idiotic law is probably what encouraged the driver to drink. I think it's time they flush this law once and for all.

Also, like last year, I saw 2 different people bubbling along the street.

Sunday, July 4, 2004 06:47 a.m.

I did my patriotic July 4 duty today!

I PUT OUT A NEW ISH OF THE LAST WORD!!!!!

http://members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw040704

I was up all night working on it, because I was FURIOUS about something! Now, I hadn't tried using floppy disks I made with the old computer yet on my new computer. Lo and behold, I discovered that floppies made with Windows 98 don't work with Windows XP - so I have to find a computer that has Windows 98 to rescue my data!

Was Microsoft so st00pid that it didn't foresee this problem when it put out a new edition of Windows?

If I can't get access to an older computer, then I expect Microsoft to ship me a computer with Windows 98 - free of charge. That is not a request, but a demand. How was I to know when I made floppies with Windows 98 that I'd never be able to use them in future editions of Windows?

Thursday, July 1, 2004 11:55 p.m.

Movy, I mean movie

I just got home from seeing Fahrenheit 9/11. What a great movy! You need to see this movy, if you haven't already!

Most of the movy theaters around here refuse to show Fahrenheit 9/11, but they show it in Western Hills.

(Yes, I know it's spelled "movie" - not "movy". A few Usenetters will get the joke.)

I haven't seen anyone bubbling in public in the past couple weeks, but throughout Fahrenheit 9/11 I kept hearing someone in the theater loudly popping bubble gum, much to the amusement of the readers of this blog.

Nowadays, theaters show 20 minutes of ads before movys, which explains why I haven't seen a movy in a theater since about 1997.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004 10:37 p.m.

Right-wing fascists didn't shut down People's Forum after all

It turns out the right-wing Taliban at EZBoard didn't shut down the People's Forum after all. They just deleted all the bad words like "poop" - and they moved the link to where nobody can find it.

The new link is:

http://pub205.ezboard.com/bpeoplesforum

Thursday, June 24, 2004 07:07 p.m.

Get your kicks on KY 3076

As Depeche Mode used to say often, I got my kicks on the brand spankin' new KY 3076 today.

After hearing this new road opened in Erlanger, I took the ol' bikey out there to try the road out. This is in my work territory, but I wouldn't dare classify today's outing as work, because I didn't suffer enough.

Any work project on that plateau is going to be nixed from now until some action is taken to fix the roads or make sure people stop driving like maniacs. It took over 90 minutes to bike from Bellevue to Crescent Springs, which is ridiculous. I did travel a total of 26 miles today, however.

The new road is off Erlanger-Crescent Springs Road and runs immediately parallel to I-75, the ramp to I-275, and finally I-275. It's right on the edge of the feared Mineola Stink, although I didn't detect that insufferable odor today. At the east end of the road, however, I detected an inland beach smell that once characterized the lake at A.J. Jolly Park back when it had a swimming area.

Man, this new road is great! Hardly anyone uses it, and besides that, the shoulders are almost as wide as the main traffic lanes! The road is pretty flat too, much to the delight of bicyclists everywhere!

According to the official press release KY 3076 continues along the old Dolwick Road and along Mineola Pike to Donaldson Road, but I didn't go much beyond the Turfway Road extension before turning around and going down that road.

I stopped at the Speedway station on Commonwealth Avenue for juice, and I almost burst out laughing because every customer in the store was wearing '80s clothes.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004 01:58 p.m.

Jesse...Jesse Helms...Jesse Helms' Country Cookin'...

Jesse Helms was that fascist who I always used to ridicule in my set of revised Monopoly rules. That guy was a racist!

Anyway, I went to Kroger earlier, and there was some old guy talking on the pay phone outside the store, and I thought to myself, That guy looks like Jesse Helms!

I stood there until I could get a better look at his face. He really DID look like Jesse Helms! But he also had just a touch of Phil Gramm!

The funny thing is that I think he knew I was thinking he looked like Jesse Helms.

I wonder if this was the same Jesse Helms look-alike who I saw on Glenway who almost caused a traffic wreck!

Friday, June 18, 2004 09:34 p.m.

When Republicans have fetishes...tonight on the 10:00 news!

An avowed Republican who posts on a message board that I read apparently has a fetish for this blog.

From what I can tell, he just can't get enough of the wisdom and wit that are featured on this site.

You see, I don't think fetishes or fetishy objects have ever been mentioned on this blog until now. But ol' Mr. Repub-a-dub calls it a fetish blog!

What in this blog do you have a fetish for, genius?

Or does this guy just have a blog fetish?

"This is not a fetish blog...Sha la la la la..." (Sung to the tune of "This Is Not America".)

Thursday, June 17, 2004 01:15 p.m.

Cut a fart at Kroger...

Today I went to Kroger, and as I was standing in the checkout line, I smelled an absolutely HORRENDOUS bunker blast!

It was unclear who committed this shocking crime against humanity, but let me tell ya, it REEKED!!!!! It was funky!

That checkout line smelled like a sewer!!!

The aroma was strong enough that somebody probably had their underpants stuck to their asshole!

'Twas rather funny!

Tuesday, June 15, 2004 09:12 p.m.

Everyone deserves a good meal - even celebrity look-alikes!

Earlier at Golden Corral, there was some guy who looked like Newman from "Seinfeld" eating in there.

Also, a young woman kept blowing bubbles with bubble gum.

Saturday, June 12, 2004 06:32 p.m.

Give a hoot! Break a Coke machine!

Today I noticed someone knocked over a Coke machine over on 6th Street in Newport.

Also, the guy at the bike shop said the magic word! He said letting the seat of a bike come loose can "ruin" the seat post.

Hear that, everyone? RUIN!!!!!

Monday, June 7, 2004 04:05 p.m.

The right-wing games continue

So, it seems some genius has decided to sign up for my Yahoo e-mail list by forging the address of Amazon's chat site, in an effort to get my e-mail list shut down after Amazon complains to Yahoo upon receiving my mailings.

This sounds like a Freak Republic thing to do, doesn't it?

Oh well, I guess the games must go on.

Monday, June 7, 2004 03:52 p.m.

Give a hoot! Write an ish!

I just completed issue #406 of The Last Word:

http://members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw040607

Friday, June 4, 2004 11:39 p.m.

Gum for the holidays...at Kroger...

Earlier at Roy Rogers, I saw a Mike Dukakis look-alike eating in there.

Also, at the Kroger on Beechmont Road, some woman bubbled.

Friday, June 4, 2004 12:15 p.m.

Read any good books lately?

Have you read any good books lately? I have!

I'm in the middle of reading The Republican Noise Machine by David Brock. Brock used to write all these right-wing books, but now he's come to his senses and has written a book exposing how right-wing groups lie and have taken over the media to spread their propaganda.

You absolutely NEED to read this book!!!

I love the parts where he exposes the lies by Accuracy In Media, the group that published Campus Report. Campus Report was a right-wing hate paper full of lies NKU always handed out. For the past decade, I have hated Campus Report with a burning passion because of its bigotry and lies.

It's satisfying that David Brock's new book has wiped the smug smirks off the mottled faces of the Campus Report fascists!

Brock also exposes Regnery, a right-wing publishing company that seemed to be the source of a disproportionate percentage of the Bishop Brossart High School library.

You must must MUST read The Republican Noise Machine! This groundbreaking tome digs deep into how debate of American current affairs has moved so far to the right in the past 25 years because of right-wing groups influencing the media.

Wednesday, June 2, 2004 01:15 p.m.

Another boring day

Earlier I went to Newport On The Levee, and guess what I saw in the mall area?

A person blowin' a bubble!

It's very rare I ever go to Newport On The Levee, due to all the fascism there. In the mall area they have a huge poster that lists about 25 rules in their "code of conduct", including one that prohibits "unauthorized singing". The poster also brags that groups of more than 6 youths are banned.

It's the one place young people can go to hang out in all of northern Campbell County, and yet they get treated like shit. It's no wonder the whole place is practically deserted most of the time.

One of very few reasons I ever go to Newport On The Levee is Barnes & Noble. That's about all it has.

Also, I heard a rumor that one of the rooms at a Super 8 motel north of Dayton, OH, smells like someone took a dump in it!

Tuesday, June 1, 2004 12:36 p.m.

Another weird Bro$$art dream

Last night I had another dream where I was back at Brossart and skipped almost every class - again proving just how close to the surface this idea was in real life.

I don't know whether this was the same dream or a separate dream, but I also dreamed that I was coerced into being taken to a concentration camp in California but refused at the last minute to be imprisoned.

Sunday, May 30, 2004 02:32 p.m.

Mustard is cool

I dig mustard, man.

You know why they call it mustard?

Because it causes you to poop!

"Must turd". Get it?

Even the brands of mustard suggest pooping. Grey POOPon, PLOPman's, and so on.

Also, I completed a new article for my main website to help set the record straight on the lies the fascists have spread about me:

http://members.iglou.com/bandit/truthandjustice.html

Wednesday, May 26, 2004 05:26 p.m.

The torture of life continues with no end in sight

My hand is still broken from 3 weeks ago, and I haven't continued my outdoor assignment since.

I've also been working on my book a little bit.

I've had a lot of weird dreams lately, but the only one I can remember is the one last night where there was a rodeo at Great American Ball Park, and some old lady tried to sneak in without paying.

Saturday, May 22, 2004 12:28 a.m.

28,738 words of sheer pain

I'm probably only about one-third of the way done with my bookity-book, and I'm already up to 28,738 words.

Does that pib or what?

Tuesday, May 18, 2004 12:04 a.m.

I heard a rumor...They say you got a broken bathroom...

I heard a rumor that a restaurant in Hancock, MD, has such a smelly restroom that the odor causes visitors to almost vomit.

That would make a great TV commercial to promote tourism.

You know how they have that ad on TV where the right-wing governor of Maryland barges into someone's house and starts haranguing them about visiting his state?

They should have an ad where the governor goes into the person's house and says, "Hi, I'm Gov. Bob Ehrlich of Maryland. Why the fuck are you wasting such a beautiful day painting your house? Get off your lazy asses and visit Maryland! In the town of Hancock, we've got a filthy restroom with your name on it! So please, make the most of your vacation, you stupid fucks!"

Then the ad would end with the governor using the person's bathroom and saying, "Damn, I need to shit on the floor in here, so this bathroom can smell like the one in Hancock!"

Sunday, May 16, 2004 05:53 p.m.

Strawberry! Raspberry! Library!

As the guy in the Fruit Roll-Ups commercial would say: liiiiibrareee!!!

Today I went to the grand opening of the new library in Newport.

While some dignitary was giving a speech, some kids kept setting off Fun Snaps, which was kind of amusing. Some kids also pretended to vomit in one of those souvenir bags they handed out.

A person bubbled at the libe.

Sunday, May 16, 2004 12:15 a.m.

Still working on my book

I'm onto Chapter 7 now. This would probably come out to about 70 pages so far if it was printed on book-sized paper.

I'm reliving many foul memories of the Reagan era.

Also, the next ish of The Last Word isn't too far off.

My hands still hurt from being broken almost 2 weeks ago. Besides that, it's been raining almost nonstop, so I couldn't continue my outdoor project even if I felt like it.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004 12:59 a.m.

Give a hoot! Write a book!

For the past couple weeks I've been working on writing a book.

In the '90s, I had an unfinished work called This Is Not America which was serialized in The Last Word. That unfinished book - which one observer called a "big left-wing complaint" - discussed my unlawful imprisonment of 4 months when I was a teenager.

I also collected the first 3 years of The Last Word into an amateurish book, but I never had copies printed.

My new book is one that I think could enjoy some commercial success, following on the heels of one like it that I purchased a copy of. My new book describes my experiences with the school system (especially middle and high school), and this book will attempt to help others avoid the troubles I had.

I already have 5 chapters done of this book!

Saturday, May 8, 2004 04:07 p.m.

Purple baste, purple baste...

Earlier I went to the so-called festivities on the Purple People Bridge.

Not surprisingly, I became a victim of economic discrimination by law enforcement when I arrived, as a cop approached me and prepared to harass me.

But I did see 3 different people bubbling at the event.

Later I shall go to a get-together with my old friends from Cline. I am pleased to know that one of my main adversaries at the Home of the Patriots will be absent tonight, as he serves his lengthy prison sentence - right, J.B. (JailBird)?

Saturday, May 8, 2004 01:30 a.m.

What? 5 more former schoolmates in jail? You gotta be kidding!

Well, I just found out the current whereabouts of 5 more of my former schoolmates, and let's put it this way: It looks like they're living on bread and water right now.

A disproportionate number of people who I attended school with grew up to be guests of the corrections system, and today I'm amazed to find that 5 more have joined them in the hoosegow.

I'm pleased, however, that one of them is that asshole who started all that shit with me at Cline. This is the best news I've received in 20 years! A true fuckhead is off the game board for a while!

Another former schoolmate of mine won't be out of prison until he's almost 70, because he has more than 10 felonies.

Thursday, May 6, 2004 08:22 p.m.

Another day gone into thin air

Today I did HANDS Pike.

Just kidding!

No, actually I did the FINGER Lakes.

Joking again!

Really I did Michigan's THUMB.

Fooled ya yet again!

Seriously, I did an amazing 0 miles today, stopping only when my fingers became too sore from being broken yesterday.

Since it was about 87° today, it was probably too hot to continue my outdoor work anyway. When I do continue, I will stop at elevation 650 feet, because it has become too strenuous to go more than 200 feet uphill - especially since nothing interesting seems to happen anymore.

You see, I gotta see some interesting things in order to justify straining my aging frame. What I could do is hire some people to follow me around and bubble, but in today's economy, I can't afford that expense.

Wednesday, May 5, 2004 10:17 p.m.

Fort Wright likes being sued

Another serious injury, folks!

I did parts of Devou Park, Park Hills, and Fort Wright today.

The day came crashing down - literally - when I got to the intersection of St. Agnes Circle & Vidot Court in Fort Wright. The city has such poor maintenance of its roads that - even though it hasn't rained in a few days - I hit a puddle that had sand and gravel all around it and dove off the bikey onto the pavement at 15 MPH.

My whole life flashed before my eyes.

After a few seconds I got back up, and I had a big cut on my hand and several smaller cuts elsewhere. Both hands felt like they were sprained, and later it became pretty clear from the swelling that my right index finger and my left thumb were both broken.

It's not like I can do much about that though, since I can't afford to see a doctor.

Now, 15 MPH is well within the posted speed limit, so the city is clearly at fault. They're just damn lucky nobody got killed.

Despite that, I was able to continue working for a little while longer, as long as I didn't put any pressure at all on the broken fingers. Somehow I managed to do 31 miles.

I had to tape the fingers up when I got home, since by that time I could barely even touch anything with them since it hurt so bad.

Some good news: The state finally added a bike lane on one side of Sleepy Hollow Road for one whole block! Wow! Progress!

Monday, May 3, 2004 01:06 p.m.

Right gum, right price!

Earlier at Kroger some woman blew a bubble with bubble gum.

Saturday, May 1, 2004 10:34 a.m.

If you like gum, you'll love LaRosa's...

I heard a rumor that some old lady was seen bubbling at the LaRosa's in Newport.

Friday, April 30, 2004 09:55 p.m.

Another victory for fascism

Well, I notice my People's Forum has been deleted by EZBoard for disagreeing with their views.

Big surprise, huh?

Thursday, April 29, 2004 09:43 p.m.

More suburb fatigue

Villa Hills has an astounding discarded underpants per capita rate.

Today at work I saw 2 shredded pairs of underpants along the road in Villa Hills.

I only did a disgraceful 41 miles today at work. I finished West Covington, Ludlow, and Bromley, where there was a pile of dirt in the middle of the street that was taller than I am. Then I dragged the hulking bikey up High Water Road to Villa Hills.

And when I say up, I mean up. Some of the hills are so steep you can't ride a bike up them. You just can't.

I seriously think Villa Hills, despite having a large land area, might not have even one public restroom in the entire city. So I did lots of agonizing wiggling today.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004 07:32 p.m.

Another 28 miles of pain

I was able to get back to work today for my outdoor mapping assignment.

All sorts of neet poo goes on down in the Cov.

Today I did far northern Covington and parts of Ludlow and Bromley and out KY 8 all the way to Constance. When I first got into this 2 years ago, hardly anyone used KY 8 between Bromley and Constance. Now even this road is more crowded than it used to be, since all the rich suburbanites have to have the biggest homes on the biggest new lots as far from the city as possible, and drive the biggest SUVs to get there. Unfortunately, they don't realize that a lot of these roads are over 100 years old, and a 10-foot-wide SUV ain't gonna fit on a 9-foot-wide roadway lane, especially when I'm taking up a few inches on the meager shoulder.

The feared Mineola Stink has expanded so now one may catch a whiff of it along KY 8 near Amsterdam Road.

Also, I have been increasingly chagrined at the growing number of food marts that post signs on the door declaring that no more than 2 kids are allowed in the store at once. Since these stores have a snotty attitude towards the young, they probably also have a snotty attitude towards oldsters such as myself, so I try to boycott these stores. However, they do enjoy a monopoly in some neighborhoods, which forces the public to shop there.

Once when I was growing up there was a store near where I lived that had this same policy, and they were rumored to have removed their sign because of complaints with the state civil rights commission. These days, people are so brainwashed that stores can get away with hating kids.

Today I also noticed that someone drew a penis on the inside of the door of one of the portable restrooms at Goebel Park.

But it's a crying shame nobody bubbled today.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004 10:10 p.m.

Ish #405 is finally here!!!

I've finally been able to put out issue #405 of The Last Word!

A lot of you have been asking - rather, demanding - that I post a direct link to each ish here as I soon as I get it done. So - for now, at least - you access the latest ish here:

http://members.iglou.com/bandit/lastword/lw040427

That link is not guaranteed to work in the future, because eventually - if I keep publishing - I won't have room for every issue on my main page.

Nope, there aren't many funny metaphors in The Last Word like there were at our peak in 1999, but at least The Last Word tells the truth.

Thursday, April 22, 2004 08:59 p.m.

Another week wasted

Aahh! Wasted!

That's right, folks. This whole week has been utterly wasted, because it's rained almost nonstop since Monday morning and I can't continue my assignment.

Today I went to the post office and got a flat tire on the way home because some stupid dickhead had a thorn bush hanging out of their yard and over the roadway.

So for the past few days I've been working on writing a book.

Saturday, April 17, 2004 10:43 p.m.

Guess what? You you you! Pow!

You know what that means, folks!

It means I've finished up one of the states in my mapping assignment. In the past couple of years, since I'm doing it counterclockwise to minimize left turns, I've finished my part of Ohio before starting on most of my part of Kentucky - which brings us to discuss the origin of the saying "you you you! pow!"

Around 1982 the state of Ohio was known for a series of TV commercials urging folks to visit the Buckeye State. The ads featured a bombastic jingle that declared, "Ohio's for you! You you you! Pow!" I remember it distinctly because the ad was shown when I was forced to watch cartoons on the small TV in the den where TV reception was lousy, because the old folks refused to allow me to watch the TV in the living room.

This slogan is now used for when I finish a state in my mapping assignment - even Kentucky.

Anyway, I completed Ohio on Friday, by biking 35 miles and finishing Delhi Hills and the part of Cincinnati along US 50 to Anderson Ferry.

I went through downtown on the way over there, and a young woman walking down Walnut Street bubbled. I was confronted by the untimely poppage of an inner tube on Hillside Avenue, due to the astounding lack of upkeep on that road. Ever since this road was marked on maps by bicycle clubs as a bike route, I've noticed that people have dumped large amounts of broken glass there just so bicyclists get flat tires. I also took a brief side trip to find the road where Pete Rose's childhood home was.

On the way home I went to Kroger, and I burst out laughing because they played "Heal The World".

Thursday, April 15, 2004 08:46 p.m.

'Cause I'm the map man...

I'm the map man...Yeah, I'm the map man... (Sung to the tune of "The Tax Man".)

Today the fun continued with my outdoor mapping assignment, as I did much of Delhi Hills - though I only biked a disappointing 46 miles today.

At Delhi Township Park, some woman blew bubbles with bubble gum. The toilets at this park flush by themselves.

Later, on the way home, I stopped at the Speedway (ppphh!) gas station in Sedamsville to drain the main vein, and I noticed that someone had smeared SHIT all over the restroom! There were wisps of poo-poo all over the floor and even on the rim of the urinal.

And wouldn't ya know it! Some genius inside the store there bubbled!

I almost forgot to mention that I noticed that someone drew a penis on a picnic table at Miles Edward Park.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004 11:20 p.m.

Hey...you...get off o