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(Why Today Stinks)

Wednesday, December 26, 2012 01:41 a.m.


Five...Five...Five Scholarin' photos. (Sung to the tune of the Subway commersh.)

This isn't much, but I'm rounding out the year with 5 brand bippus-bustin' new road photos from Newport.

So peep 'em and read...

* * * * *

Tuesday, December 25, 2012 11:15 p.m.

And the bunker blasts continue!

There was another important family gathering today to celebrate Christmas, and guess what loomed through the air?

That's right, folks! A room-clearing SBD!!!

You had to be there to appreciate it!

* * * * *

Monday, December 24, 2012 09:20 p.m.

Christmas flatulence tradition resumes!

It's great to see a revival of the fine tradition of holiday bunker blasts!

Earlier, at an important family gathering, an LAP loominsky was detected. Not an SBD - an LAP!

It is believed that the culprit has been identified.

* * * * *

Thursday, December 6, 2012 01:18 p.m.

The Plague of '12!

Welp, the Plague of '12 is drawing to a close. It has been an affliction since Monday, and is one of the worst illnesses I've experienced in a while. Flu-like symptoms have dashed the past 4 days to smithereens.

I doubt that it was just a severe cold, so my hydrogen peroxide miracle cure wouldn't have done any good. Even if it would have, I wouldn't have used it when it would have made any difference, because then I wouldn't have known for sure if it worked, and I'd still be worried about getting sick over the next few weeks when I have lots of neet poo planned.

Read that paragraph again. It makes perfect sense.

* * * * *

Saturday, November 17, 2012 03:11 p.m.

Finally! Official notice for my Dakota photos!

My trip to the Badlands and surrounding states several weeks ago yielded 258 photos and videos! And you're gonna peep 'em all!

I've divided them into 10 parts so they go down smoother...

* * * * *

Tuesday, October 16, 2012 01:50 p.m.

South Dakota! North Dakota! It's a great place to start!

For those who regularly keep up with this blog, I was on a trip to Badlands National Park a couple weeks ago. Photos and videos will loom.

One of the most notable features of this trip was a disastrous restaurant in western South Dakota where we ate dinner one evening. The place was absolutely filthy, and the food was mediocre at best. A couple stormed out of the eatery without paying when they discovered that the cream for their coffee was spoiled. Also, I noticed that the roll of toilet paper in the bathroom - which was just laying there loose - had either been peed on or dipped in a pee-filled johnnypot. It had the telltale stain of dried pee (which is brown around the edge of the stain). Plus, my soda was postal.

As for the mischief rating, I buried a dirty, sticky Coke bottle under the bed in a hotel room because they charged us more than what was advertised.

Also, the Tim Tent was pressed into service at the national park itself. While I was trying to sleep, I overheard an LAP bunker blast drifting my way from another campsite.

* * * * *

Monday, September 24, 2012 11:25 p.m.

A person bubbled

Today, some guy driving up the street bubbled.

* * * * *

Sunday, September 23, 2012 09:13 p.m.

More Ploptoberfest!

I goed to Ploptoberfest yet again today, but when I found that 3CDC fenced off some sitting areas in violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act, it truly put a damper on the day.

However, there were a couple more good ploppings! I noticed someone put a metal lid to a Vlasic pickle jar in the johnnypooper. Later, I found that someone had placed one of those fake million-dollar bills with a religious tract on the back in the abysmal depths of the poopot. It actually looked like there was money in the toilet!

Also, a person bubbled.

* * * * *

Sunday, September 23, 2012 12:10 a.m.

Ploppin' around the Ploptoberfest tree...

Some call it Cincinnati's version of Oktoberfest. But I call it Ploptoberfest, as you know.

I goed to Ploptoberfest on Saturday, and it overlapped with an anti-fracking rally that I also goed to. Although Occupy did not organize the anti-fracking event, Occupy folks participated in a big way. Also, Roxanne Qualls spoke at the event!

Meanwhile, Ploptoberfest lived up to its ploppy moniker. I noticed that someone put a whiskey bottle, a pair of underpants, and a Mountain Dew can in the toilets in the portable outhouses.

The guy who once drank beer out of a trash can was there, and - when I went into Macy's to use their bathroom - somebody ripped a silent but deadly bunker blast outside that fancy restaurant on the second floor. We were due for one of these, considering the shortage of hilarious farts in recent months.

Celebrity look-alikes at Ploptoberfest included Red Forman of 'That 70's Show', Dr. Phil, and Glenn Beck.

The life-size cardboard cutouts of the Samuel Adams beer man took the usual amount of abuse. This time, they fastened the statues to the railings with rope to keep people from stealing them. Lo and behold, I later found the ropes ripped down as people were carrying the cutouts away.

Also, some guy was in such a festive mood that he bubbled.

* * * * *

Friday, September 14, 2012 03:52 p.m.

Filthy potties

I've just been told that 2 filthy potties were sighted in a restroom at a Meijer store. One was full of unflushed poo, and the other had a hilarious coating of old poo or mold.

* * * * *

Sunday, September 9, 2012 08:50 p.m.

Missouri! Illinois! Indiana! It's a great place to start!

Last month, I goed stone to Springfield, Missouri, and it pibbed in a big way like so many other things we know and love.

During this automotive outing, I amassed 111 Scholarin' photos, which I divided into 5 parts. You're gonna read 'em, and you're gonna peep...

* * * * *

Wednesday, August 22, 2012 11:48 a.m.

Another celebrity look-alike

Yesterday at the Skyline Chili just south of Piatt Park, a Rob Thomas look-alike was sighted.

* * * * *

Wednesday, August 15, 2012 11:30 a.m.

All over Northern Kentucky!

Before I post all my Scholarin' photos from this past weekend's Missouri trip, I forgot to announce 2 sets from Northern Kentucky!

This batch takes us as far as Carroll County, a rural bailiwick on the fringes of the area:

This photo shoot covers a few abandoned or dilapidated roads on the south side of Newport:

You're gonna peep. You're gonna weep. You're gonna oggle-beep!

* * * * *

Tuesday, August 7, 2012 01:15 p.m.

More courthouse hilarity

Yesterday I had my sidewalk chalk trial where the prosecution stumbled so badly that I ended up having to pay only $29 in court costs.

When I used the restroom before the trial, I noticed somebody had carved the word "FREAK" into the toilet seat.

Also, I saw the Frank Zappa look-alike again. He was roaming the halls, even though this was a different building than the one where my arraignment was. Also, the prosecuting attorney resembled Patricia Richardson with Mr. Hooper glasses.

* * * * *

Wednesday, July 25, 2012 03:37 p.m.

Court worker resembles Frank Zappa

Today was my arraignment for my infamous sidewalk chalk citation, and a celebrity look-alike emerged.

One of the employees of the court system who hovered around the judge's bench bore an unmistakable and hilarious resemblance to music legend Frank Zappa. And he was chewin' bubble gum too. He didn't bubble, but he was chewin' bubble gum.

* * * * *

Wednesday, July 18, 2012 12:07 a.m.

I'm 39, I can do what I want!

I'm 39, I can do what I want! I'm 39, I can do what I want! I'm 39, I can do what I want! I'm 39, I can do what I want! I'm 39, I can do what I want! I'm 39, I can do what I want! And yooouuuuuuuuuu can't!

* * * * *

Wednesday, June 27, 2012 10:49 p.m.

5 months of Scholarin' photos!

I'd be remiss if I didn't regale you with a months-long sampling of Cincinnati area road photos. These 2 batches are highly urban-based, and there's even some videos in the mix. There's also some coverage of the Waldvogel Viaduct construction...

* * * * *

Thursday, June 21, 2012 05:42 p.m.

Another library fart

Today, between Occupy marches, I went to the Cincinnati Public Library. While I was there, I heard a bunker blast emanating from among the shelves.

* * * * *

Sunday, May 20, 2012 01:34 a.m.

A celeb look-alike's waiting...

I just heard more stories of hilarious celebrity look-alikes being sighted in public. I heard a Robert De Niro look-alike was seen at a concert, as well as a guy who resembled the ZZ Top members with long beards.

* * * * *

Sunday, May 13, 2012 10:42 p.m.

Farting in church is funny

I just heard a rumor that someone farted in church.

* * * * *

Thursday, April 26, 2012 09:33 p.m.

Another celebrity look-alike

Today at Kroger a Robin Gibb look-alike was sighted.

* * * * *

Saturday, April 21, 2012 08:57 p.m.

Destroyer Point

Today I goed to Sawyer Point - or Destroyer Point, as I like to call it - for the Earth Day stuff. Occupy Cincinnati had a couple of tables and a tent there, of course. The Occupy display was a smash hit with the crowd!

Also, 5 people were in such a festive mood that they bubbled.

* * * * *

Saturday, April 14, 2012 12:39 a.m.

Another ruined toilet

Keek! Ruin!

I've just been told that a toilet at a Comfort Inn in Kansas got ru. The johndola won't flush unless the lid is removed and the float is manually tinkered with - at which point it sprays water all over the bathroom.

It even sprayed the front desk man who came along to revel in its wonder!

* * * * *

Friday, April 6, 2012 12:53 a.m.

It's the Cincinnati Reds playin' basteball again!

About the Cincinnati Reds: They played basteball again.

Yesterday, I goed to the Opening Day parade as usual (before Occupying). A young woman was in such a festive mood that she bubbled. Later, a woman driving up the street also bubbled.

* * * * *

Tuesday, April 3, 2012 08:25 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #465 is here!

The Last Word may seem like a bit of a curiosity: a left-wing publication in northern Kentucky. Now it's published issue #465, and this will prove to be one of the most pivotal yet cathartic moments in Last Word history.

If you've never heard of The Last Word, you won't care. But if you're one of the cool people who has read this fanzine of freedom for 19 years, you will. This is also a big day for the 'Pail, and you can find the latest edition of The Last Word here...

* * * * *

Monday, March 26, 2012 04:29 p.m.

A person bubbled

Today at the store, some woman bubbled.

* * * * *

Thursday, March 22, 2012 09:25 p.m.

Toilet news

I've just been informed that the toilets overflowed at a concert at Wright State University, forcing the bathrooms to be closed.

* * * * *

Tuesday, March 13, 2012 03:15 p.m.

In Indiana...You can sail the Seven Seas...

Super Bowl Sunday will be forever known for its spate of Roads Scholarin' photos of Indianapolis. There's daytime, nighttime, and in-between-time pictures for you to ogle (beep), so point your pooper here...

* * * * *

Tuesday, February 28, 2012 07:41 p.m.

When Ox shit his pants

I'm pleased to announce that the 'Silver Spoons' episode where Ox shit his pants has now surfaced on the Internets (sic). I do have to make one correction though: For years, I thought it was the episode where Mr. T was a guest star, but actually it's a different episode. I'll leave it to you to find it.

We call this a Sunffleupagus moment. That's defined as the moment when you can prove the existence of something you've claimed for years, after everyone else thought you were just imagining it or making it up.

Also, today at the store, some woman bubbled.

* * * * *

Tuesday, February 21, 2012 02:20 p.m.

Filthy potties

I've just been informed that a potty at a Tim Horton's was full of dried poo along the bowl. Also, the eating area reeked of urine.

Plus, a potty in an arena was full of diarrhea poo!

* * * * *

Sunday, January 22, 2012 05:53 p.m.

Horrible smelling bathroom

I just received a report of a stinky restroom at a Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant. Somebody left a toilet bowl full of smeared poo and the bathroom was filled with a pungent odor.

* * * * *

Thursday, January 19, 2012 11:10 p.m.

South Carolina! North Carolina! Tennessee! It's a great place to start!

If I was a weirdo, I wouldn't have posted the 96 Roads Scholarin' photos from last month's trip to South Carolina.

But since I'm not a weirdo, I posted them many a week ago - though I've delayed the public announcement for them because my photos seem to misappear when I announce them too soon.

So peep these photos now before it's too late!

* * * * *

Saturday, January 14, 2012 11:32 p.m.

And another

I'm also informed of a Gerald McRaney look-alike.

* * * * *

Saturday, January 14, 2012 10:39 p.m.

Yet another report of a celeb look-alike

I was informed today that a Bill Cosby look-alike was sighted at a store.

Also, a person bubbled at a local restaurant today.

* * * * *

Wednesday, January 11, 2012 04:18 p.m.

Another celeb look-alike and another turd tale

I've just been informed that a Tom Brokaw look-alike was seen driving around.

And somebody dropped a large turd at a skating rink, I'm told.

* * * * *

Saturday, December 24, 2011 09:56 p.m.

It happened, it happened!

Well, folks, it happened! What happened?! A Christmas bunker blast, that's what!

This evening at an important family gathering, the hilarious audio of an LAP trouser sneeze was detected! Later I heard rumors of an SBD!

It was cool.

* * * * *

Wednesday, December 21, 2011 12:21 a.m.

Another potty tale

I've just been told that it appears as if somebody tried to burn a toilet at an Elder-Beerman department store. I'm also told that bunker blasts were detected in the men's clothing department of the same store.

* * * * *

Tuesday, December 20, 2011 06:38 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #464 is here!

The latest issue of The Last Word is now pub-a-roony, and it's a beaut!

This progressive populist fanzine of freedom will turn 19 next year, and we're up to 464 installments. Our latest issue covers the following...

Price-gouging by ambulance services and cell phone firms.

Why the Occupy movement had to happen.

The Tea Party's war against libraries.

A local university wasting millions on upgrading its athletic program.

Internet censorship!

And more! It's not sold in any store!

So read The Last Word now before it's too late! Click here for our latest ish...

* * * * *

Thursday, December 8, 2011 12:59 a.m.

The latest Scholaring photos

Actually these are from October and November, but here they come...

* * * * *

Sunday, November 27, 2011 09:55 p.m.

Big Bend photos posted!

Hey hey, ho ho, I have 324 amazing Roads Scholarin' photos and videos from last month's Big Bend trip!

And they're gonna rule! Most are from Texas, but they include other amazing states too, and there's even some views of Mexico from the Texas side of the border!

So - as I always say - peep, weep, and oggle-beep...

* * * * *

Sunday, November 20, 2011 01:54 p.m.

Hey hey, ho ho, Pee-In-A-Cup Portman has got to go!

I goed to the Occupy Cincinnati march against Rob Portman yesterday. To symbolize Portman's support of bailouts for Big Oil, we built a huge replica of an oil rig out of ladders and a barrel and dragged it from Piatt Park over to Portman's office on 7th Street. The scene was as grand as you might imagine!

Then we removed the barrel from the rig and placed it on top of the canopy over the revolving door of the building that has Portman's office! We left the barrel there so it could stare Portman's office in the face!

Later, when I stopped by Subway, guess what song was playing on Ruined 94.9? "You had a bad day...The camera don't lie..." It really was a bad day for Rob Portman!

On the way home through Bellevue, I noticed somebody had discarded a 'Kiss: The Second Coming' videotape out in front of the combination Subway/Burger King.

* * * * *

Sunday, November 13, 2011 03:30 p.m.

People bubble again

A person bubbled at McDonald's. Then a person bubbled outside Kroger.

* * * * *

Friday, November 4, 2011 02:01 p.m.

Another dirty potty

I've just been told that a toilet at Chipotle's had poo hunks all over it.

* * * * *

Thursday, November 3, 2011 10:08 p.m.

Another library bubbling

Today at the Cincinnati Public Library, some woman bubbled.

* * * * *

Sunday, October 30, 2011 01:38 p.m.

A celebrity look-alike and an accidental plopping

On Tuesday, on the way to a job interview (for a job I apparently didn't get), I saw some guy who looked just like Midnight Oil frontman Peter Garrett walking down Butler Street in Cincinnati.

Also, I've been told that a pair of sunglasses accidentally fell into a toilet at a Tim Horton's.

* * * * *

Thursday, October 20, 2011 12:53 p.m.

The Plague of '11!

Ladies and gentlemen, adults of all ages, it's the Plague of '11!

Indeed it is.

On October 9, I went home early from Occupy Cincinnati and had to go to Christ Hospital because I was deathly ill. I promptly vomited bile when I got to the hosp, raising suspicions of gallstones.

A few days later, flu-like symptoms set in, and I threw up again the following Saturday. I was well enough to visit Occupy Cincinnati a couple more times before that happened, but I've been too sick to go back since.

Yesterday, I finally goed to the doctor. They said I was most likely suffering from the worst case of chronic indigestion in history, and they prescribed a powerful drug. But they still haven't ruled out gallstones.

Meanwhile, the Plague of '11 enters its 12th day.

Also, in the waiting room at the doctor's office, 2 people bubbled.

* * * * *

Tuesday, October 11, 2011 11:06 a.m.

Gallstone news

Yay! Gallstones!

I found out Sunday that I'm probably suffering from gallstones.

I walked to Fountain Square on Saturday night for the Occupy Cincinnati protest. I didn't bike, because I knew there'd be no place to park a bike. The event was so cool and fi that it had drawn thousands earlier in the day.

I was there until about 1 AM on Sunday when I started feeling deathly ill. So I started walking home. But the dizziness and the sharp pain between my ribs became so intense that I only made it about one-third of the way home before I knew this was more than just a Blistex moment.

I had to be taken to Christ Hospital. When I got there, I promptly vomited much bile. At first, the doctor said it was probably just a virus (i.e., food poisoning). But later the nurse said it was more likely that it was gallstones.

Since it was the middle of the night, the hosp summoned a cab to take me home.

So that's the story of the gallstones. I won't know for certain that it's gallstones until docs can do an MRI. Until then, it's oyster crackers and wa.

* * * * *

Tuesday, October 11, 2011 10:59 a.m.

I goed to Big Bend!

Last week, I indulged in a high-mischief road trip to Big Bend National Park in Texas. It utterly ruled! However, the trip was nearly ruined when I couldn't get the Tim Tent set up properly because the instructions are so faulty. It wasted much time and effort.

During this trip, a phone book landed in the toilet at a motel, and some girl got kicked out of a Houston restaurant for bothering customers by trying to sell them flowers.

The only celebrity look-alikes I saw were a Walter Cronkite look-alike and a Steve Miller look-alike sitting at a table in a restaurant in Laredo, Texas. Also, I saw billboards featuring people who strongly resembled Karen Carpenter, Dianne Feinstein, and John McCain.

* * * * *

Thursday, September 29, 2011 10:13 p.m.

Some disappointing new road photos

I forgot to mention this earlier, but I have 17 Cincinnati area road photos and videos from August and September that I've posted. These are from Covington, Ludlow, Gray Road, and poo of that sort...

Disappointing, right?

* * * * *

Friday, September 23, 2011 10:00 p.m.

The public bubblings continue

Today at the store, some woman bubbled.

* * * * *

Wednesday, September 21, 2011 10:01 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #463 is here!

Sometimes funny - but sometimes deadly serious. That's The Last Word, your road atlas to freedom - which I've published since 1993.

Now the Back-to-School edition of The Last Word is finally out, and it's a beaut. You'll find these fresh new articles about student issues to be quite informative...

Everything from school uniforms to student court battles to silly Amazon meltdowns is covered in our latest issue!

* * * * *

Monday, September 19, 2011 02:13 p.m.

My encounter with Newport Police

As I mentioned earlier, I had an encounter with the fuzz on Saturday night on the way home from Ploptoberfest.

I biked across the Taylor-Southgate Bridge and was looping down to Riverboat Row using Columbia Street. No sooner did I bip onto Columbia, when a police car zoomed up beind me with its lights going.

The cop pulled me over and said I was being stopped because of "break-ins." I've heard that one before, and it's B.S. Actually I was stopped for being poor, and I knew it. This was an open-shut case of economic profiling. There were dozens of yuppies cavorting on the floodwall, and the police never stopped them.

The policeman demanded to see my ID so he could run it through to the dispatcher. The officer wasn't verbally discourteous - but he had his hand on his gun the entire time. The entire time. If he wanted to blow my head off, there was nothing stopping him. He also interrogated me about whether I'd been arrested before.

While he had me stopped, a call came out over his walkie-talkie that somebody reported that there were thugs with guns over on Washington Street. But he couldn't get to that incident because he was busy stopping me. When he left, he sped away right towards that incident.

What if somebody got shot on Washington Street all because the police tied themselves up by stopping an innocent cyclist just because of his economic class? Economic profiling costs lives.

I demand a federal investigation into the economic profiling that has been going on in local law enforcement for years now.

* * * * *

Monday, September 19, 2011 01:51 p.m.

Ploptoberfest Sunday!

I goed to the Sunday installment of Ploptoberfest yesterday, and yes, I noticed more ploppings.

Like last year, somebody put a phone book in the toilet. Somebody also put a Claritin box in the johnnypot. And, some guy entering one of the portable restrooms yelled, "Somebody shit all over the seat!"

Also, a young woman was in such a festive mood that she bubbled.

* * * * *

Sunday, September 18, 2011 12:22 a.m.

Ploptoberfest: the good, the bad, and the ploppy

I just got home from the Saturday installment of Cincinnati's Oktoberfest - or Ploptoberfest, as I call it - and it was as plopfaced as usual. And I got stopped by the police on the way home, but more on that later.

The ploppings were probably fewer than last year, but amazing nonetheless. The first plopping I noticed was that somebody had thrown a box for one of those Banquet frozen entrees in the toilet in one of the portable restrooms. I don't know how they smuggled that in there, considering the size. Later I noticed that somebody had thrown a (presumably empty) box of hemorrhoidal suppositories in one of the toilets.

The guy who once drank beer he found in the trash was there as usual, along with 2 celebrity look-alikes: Bonnie Tyler and Alan Alda. Also, the uproarious scent of a bunker blast was detected.

Plus, the life-sized cardboard cutouts of the Samuel Adams beer guy didn't stand a chance this time. I noticed somebody had drawn a Hitler mustache on one of them. To keep them from being stolen like they were last year, the Samuel Adams cutouts were fastened to the trees on 5th Street with strong adhesive tape. But I saw people stealing them, and they were all gone by 8 PM.

Also, I saw 4 people who were in such a festive mood that they bubbled.

* * * * *

Friday, September 16, 2011 03:14 p.m.

Gearing up for Ploptoberfest!

Ploptoberfest gets under way this weekend, and to get you in the mood, I've been informed of some dirty potties.

In summary, I've been told that somebody pooped all over the place at a city park.

* * * * *

Wednesday, September 7, 2011 08:43 p.m.

A bunkeroo wafted

Yesterday (after I took the Peace Bike out on a Scholaring around Spring Grove and such), I goed to the Remke's supermarket in Newport, and someone floated an SBD air biscuit.

* * * * *

Sunday, September 4, 2011 10:10 p.m.

I'm a Pepper

Despite the rain, I went to the annual fireworks at Rip-off-fest. I smuggled a bottle of Dr Pepper in - thus violating an Allowed Cloud.

Also, 3 people were in such a festive mood that they bubbled.

* * * * *

Sunday, August 28, 2011 10:05 p.m.

Nebraska photos are up!

Hey Nebraska faces!

I have 98 photos and 9 videos now posted from my recent camping trip to Nebraska! It is believed with all my heart that they cover a grand total of 6 different states.

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll beg for moar!

So peep, weep, sleep, and eep...

* * * * *

Sunday, August 21, 2011 02:01 p.m.

I goed to Nebraska

Last weekend I goed on a camping trip to Nebraska. It was cool. Much mischief happened.

Several hilarious celebrity look-alikes were sighted. A "Weird Al" Yankovic look-alike was seen walking around near Gerald Ford's birthplace, and a Karl Rove look-alike was seen at a Kentucky Fried Chicken. Also, at a different restaurant, a pair of twins who resembled Jack Nicholson was seen.

Also, 2 people bubbled at the Omaha Zoo.

Today, at Wendy's in Newport, I saw some guy who looked just like the principal in Motley Crue's "Smokin' In The Boys Room" video.

* * * * *

Saturday, August 6, 2011 03:45 p.m.

Michigan! Wisconsin! Illinois! It's a great place to start!

The forces of Roads Scholardom are smiling again, because I've posted a brand bippus-bustin' new set of road trip photos!

This set includes July's trip to Michigan, Wisconsin, and other states of that ilk. It has 81 still photos and 3 videos for you to peep and beep...

* * * * *

Friday, July 22, 2011 06:14 p.m.

Annual swimming outing today!

Our annual swimming outing at Sunlite Pool was today! It happens only once a year (imagine that), so we might as well bip!

In the restroom at the pool, I noticed somebody placed toilet paper all over the toilet seat and peed all over it. Also, I noticed somebody smeared 4 small streaks of POOP on the wall in the stall!

The only celebrity look-alike I saw was some guy who looked like Kelso of 'That '70s Show'. But he looked EXACTLY like him! Also, some woman bubbled.

* * * * *

Wednesday, July 20, 2011 11:01 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #462 is here!

There can be only one Last Word!

MSNBC may have a show now called 'The Last Word', but when you mention The Last Word in Campbell County, Kentucky, everybody knows you're talkin' about the fanzine of freedom that utterly beginned 18 years ago.

The Last Word has now published issue #462, which gives insightful commentary about these timely topics...

The hypocrisy and decadence of Osama bin Laden and his American counterparts in the Tea Party movement.

Serial scamming by a major electronics merchant.

Ron Johnson's humiliation.

Rejection of bailout dough for a local developer.

A right-wing politician who vandalized a legislative chamber's ornate furnishings.

And more!

So peep, weep, and oggle-beep...

* * * * *

Monday, July 18, 2011 12:05 a.m.

I'm 38, I can do what I want!

I'm 38, I can do what I want! I'm 38, I can do what I want! I'm 38, I can do what I want! I'm 38, I can do what I want! I'm 38, I can do what I want! I'm 38, I can do what I want! And yooouuuuuuuuuu can't!

* * * * *

Sunday, July 3, 2011 12:05 a.m.

Bunches and bunches of new road photos!

Celebrate the Fourth on the third with a fifth - by poppin' open a keg or three and relaxin' with several new batches of Roads Scholarin' photos and videos!

You'll love this set from the north side of Cincinnati, even if I didn't:

You'll also enjoy this batch from Newport and Wilder:

Last but not least, feast those peepers upon this set, mostly from central Cincinnati:

It fails to stink.

* * * * *

Friday, June 24, 2011 10:08 p.m.

I saw you...Scholarin' in the rain...

Today I Scholared in central Cincinnati and got caught in the rain thrice. They weren't predicting rain, but that turned out to be a load, didn't it? Photos shall loom.

On the way over there through Bellevue, I saw an Anne Murray look-alike. Also, some guy walking down the street in Cincinnati bubbled.

* * * * *

Saturday, June 18, 2011 12:12 a.m.

I goed to the Bellevue Vets Carnival

I just got back from the Friday installment of this year's Bellevue Vets Carnival. It's not nearly as big as it was a few years ago, I'll tell you that much.

However, a young woman was in such a festive mood that she bubbled. Also, in the celebrity look-alike department, I saw a Debbie Harry look-alike.

* * * * *

Tuesday, June 7, 2011 06:54 p.m.

Celeb look-alikes galore!

Today I was informed that celebrity look-alike season is in full bloom!

I've been told that a dreary Sharon Stone look-alike was sighted on a flight from Indianapolis to Minneapolis. Also, a Drew Carey look-alike was seen out in California.

As if that wasn't enough, some guy who resembles Langley of 'All My Children' was seen driving around near the Reds stadium.

* * * * *

Friday, June 3, 2011 10:50 p.m.

Booger wiped on store shelf

Today at Kroger, I noticed somebody had wiped a booger on the shelf in the paper towel aisle. It appeared to be fresh.

Also, some old lady bubbled.

* * * * *

Monday, May 30, 2011 12:34 p.m.

Pooing is cool

I goed to the parade this morning. A person bubbled.

Also, I owe about 12 Scholarin' photos from last Wednesday.

* * * * *

Saturday, May 21, 2011 10:51 p.m.

13 new Scholarin' photos posted!

I have 13 brand bubble gum bustin' new road photos from May 11 now posted! These mostly focus on Sedamsville and the abandoned (snip snip snip) Barbor Street.

So why not read them, and why not peep?

* * * * *

Friday, May 13, 2011 09:58 p.m.


Because Tennesseein' is Tennebelievin', and because Georgia is Georgiabelievin', I now have 78 amazing new Georgia and Tennessee photos now posted to bip the world all up!

You're gonna read 'em, and you're gonna peep...

* * * * *

Tuesday, May 3, 2011 12:52 p.m.

It's been a busy week!

For those about to bip, due to lack of updates here, it's been a busy week.

Yesterday, I removed a virus from my computer. And last Friday, I goed to the protest against ALEC downtown. I've been investigating ALEC on most of my work time ever since.

Also on Friday, a person bubbled. Isn't that uproarious?

* * * * *

Tuesday, April 26, 2011 12:02 p.m.

Erlanger! Elsmere! Lower Price Hill! It's a great place to start!

I've had these Roads Scholaring photos up for weeks now, but this is my official announcement! You're gonna see roads, you're gonna see roadly things, and you're even gonna see some local celebs!

For some amazing photos of the Erlanger/Elsmere area - including an abandoned road that's falling into a creek - you might just want to point your pooper here:

And for a few items from Cincinnati's chilly Opening Day, go here to peep and weep:

* * * * *

Sunday, April 24, 2011 11:31 p.m.

Georgia, home of the 39th President

Actually, Jimmy Carter was 38th, but everybody always counts Grover Cleveland twice. Anyway...

Earlier this evening, I arrived home from a fact-finding mission in the state of Georgia! I visited the Jimmy Carter National Historic Site, and did other cool things.

Now I'm tired.

* * * * *

Wednesday, April 13, 2011 06:19 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #461 is here!

"An ish. An ish. An ish, an ish, an ish, an ish, an ish..." (To the tune of the 'Pink Panther' theme.)

Issue #461 of The Last Word is out, and - like most other editions - it's just the Bee Gees' knees!

Our latest installment includes these insightful articles:

A summary of recent right-wing defeats in the Kentucky legislature.

A satirical account of clogging Rand Paul's toilet.

What "school choice" really ought to mean.

The rise and fall of MTV - and busybodies' attempts to censor it.

The amazing TV set that broke after only a year.

The man who reads while driving.

So peep, weep, and oggle-beep:

* * * * *

Friday, April 8, 2011 02:20 p.m.

Another celeb look-alike rumor

I just heard a rumor that a George H.W. Bush look-alike was seen.

* * * * *

Thursday, April 7, 2011 09:32 p.m.

Scholaring season has sprung!

Today I embarked on a lengthy Roads Scholaring of the Erlanger/Elsmere area! About 10 photos will loom.

Scholaring season coincides with bubbling season. True to form, a young woman standing along Pike Street in Covington bubbled.

Also, I saw a Dick Van Dyke look-alike walking along Dixie Highway.

I didn't find any broken CD's though - unlike on Opening Day, when I found a smashed Eminem CD laying in the middle of Burns Street in Lower Price Hill (which I forgot to mention then).

* * * * *

Thursday, March 31, 2011 08:54 p.m.

It's the Cincinnati Reds playin' basteball again!

Indeed it is.

I braved the cold weather today to see the Opening Day parade! In addition to the actual celebs in the parade, I saw 2 celebrity look-alikes: Bill Gates and Sarah Purcell.

I also went to the Rally for Workers' Rights later, but in the intervening time, I took shelter from the cold inside restaurants and exercised some of it off by walking the Peace Bike about Queensgate and Lower Price Hill.

* * * * *

Monday, March 28, 2011 01:13 a.m.

47 new road photos now rule the roost!

Right now, 47 new road photos rule the roost, and they cover a pair of Cincinnati area Roads Scholarings in mid-March.

First off, take a dunk in the rising waters of the Flood of '11 and traverse the bumpy streets of West End by bippin' over to this link:

Next, enjoy Cincinnati's northeast sector and a bit of Norwood, as we explore some I-71 area goodness:

It fails to stink.

* * * * *

Thursday, March 17, 2011 05:32 p.m.

By the way, Alabama photos are now up!

Last month, I went to Alabama with the Eyewitness Cam on my knee, and this event yielded 67 photos. (And hopefully, half of them won't disappear this time.)

These photos also cover Tennessee and a corner of Georgia. This obligates you to peep, weep, and oggle-beep, much as you often do:

* * * * *

Thursday, March 17, 2011 04:56 p.m.

Scholaring goes on despite standoff with dog

I went Roads Scholaring yet again today, and photos are gonna loom! This time, I covered the northeast section of Cincinnati and maybe into Norwood just a bit.

On Van Buren Avenue, I got into a 15-minute-long standoff with a large dog. After that, the dog insisted on following me for several blocks.

* * * * *

Monday, March 14, 2011 06:35 p.m.

Flood central is back!

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm flood central! I said it back in 1997, and it's still true today!

I didn't think I'd have the energy to go Roads Scholaring on the first full day of Daylight Wasting Time, but today I pulled one over on the Far Right by examining the local flooding and Scholaring about West End. Photos loom.

Also, at the CVS drugstore at 6th & Race, some woman bubbled.

* * * * *

Sunday, February 27, 2011 10:38 p.m.

I went to Alabama with the Eyewitness Cam on my knee...

Earlier this evening, I returned home from a brief fact-finding mission in Alabama!

Man, it ruled!

The most hilarious moment of this trip was noticing a piece of POOP on the floor in the motel room!

* * * * *

Tuesday, February 22, 2011 01:32 a.m.

Last week's Scholaring photos now up!

Roads Scholaring season begins in Ernest, and now I've got 23 photos and videos up from last week's Scholaroo near Cincinnati's Red Bank Road area!

Peep them now before it's too late...

* * * * *

Tuesday, February 15, 2011 11:12 p.m.

Scholaring season has sprung!

Buy gum, I think Scholaring season is finally here! (Though really it should never end!)

Today I went Roads Scholaring over along Red Bank Road. Saw some neato shit, man. I was hoping to high heavens that a certain closed bridge was still standing, and to my amazement, it was!

On the way home along US 52, I found a smashed 3 Doors Down CD laying on the road.

Afterward, I buyed new bike tires. My front tire was 6 years old and had become as smooth as a billiard ball. My rear tire had begun decaying mysteriously.

* * * * *

Sunday, February 13, 2011 10:36 p.m.

Another hilarious celebrity look-alike report

I've just been told that a Rob Lowe look-alike was seen heading for a Kroger in Butler County.

* * * * *

Sunday, February 13, 2011 03:14 p.m.


Badeedle fuckin' badeed, man!

I just heard a rumor that a toilet at a Frisch's Big Boy restaurant was poopified so heavily that it smelled like somebody died in it!

* * * * *

Tuesday, February 1, 2011 05:49 p.m.

Let's go to the dentist...again!

I goed to the dentist again this morn. A young woman in the waiting room bubbled - as did one of the dental assistants. Isn't that uproarious? This is the third dental visit in a row in which somebody bubbled - bringing helpless guffawing to millions far and wide.

The dentist is gonna be MAD!!!!!

Also, I've been told today that a toilet at a pizzeria was vandalized with dried poo.

* * * * *

Monday, January 31, 2011 04:08 p.m.

Last week's photos posted!

Hey poo people!

I've posted 12 photos from last week's Roads Scholaring in Newport. This of course is the day I got mired in quicksand.

So peep and leap:

* * * * *

Saturday, January 29, 2011 03:26 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #460 is here!

Volume 20!!!

Can you believe The Last Word - our durable fanzine of freedom - has been around almost 20 years? Can you believe it outlived the print version of the Kentucky Post?

We've just put out issue #460, and it's as great and as relevant as ever. This issue talks about:

The creepy similarities between former schoolmates and Jared Loughner.

The latest personal threat from a local right-wing cult.

The growing and increasingly dangerous extremism of Kentucky's drug warriors.

The creationist theme park that wants a taxpayer bailout.

A genius who ruined his boat by trying to tow it under an overpass that was too low.

So peep, weep, and oggle-beep:

* * * * *

Wednesday, January 26, 2011 12:53 p.m.

Another potty story

I've just been told of another hilarious story of a wrecked restroom - this one at an Arby's.

A toilet at this Arby's featured a broken tank lid. The lid was cracked in half and had poo all over it.

* * * * *

Monday, January 24, 2011 08:21 p.m.

Peace Bike defeats quicksand

Today, the Peace Bike performed its first Roads Scholaring in 2 months. (My quota of at least one Scholaring a month that's been in place since 2008 still stands, because of the Delmarva trip.) This time, we went to the southeast quadrant of Newport - particularly Park Avenue south of 10th.

I got stuck in quicksand while trying to walk from the end of Park Avenue over to Carothers Road. There's quicksand buried in snow behind LaRosa's. I was in up past my knees before I was able to dig my way out.

About 12 roadly photos shall loom.

* * * * *

Monday, January 17, 2011 02:18 p.m.

Delmarva photos posted!

Welp, folks, I've posted 242 brand bippus-bustin' new photos and videos from my Delmarva Peninsula trip!

They're divided into 10 parts, so peep and skeep:

* * * * *

Thursday, January 6, 2011 11:33 a.m.

New poo

Lots of new poo has been looming through the sky here lately.

Last week, I goed on a trip to the Delmarva Peninsula. It appears as if I will have roughly 242 roadly photos and videos from this outing. During this trip, I saw a Saddam Hussein look-alike at a Denny's restaurant in Hagerstown, MD.

This morning, I goed to the dentist. Some woman in the waiting room bubbled, and I saw a Bonnie Franklin look-alike.

* * * * *

Sunday, December 26, 2010 12:19 p.m.

It's beginning to smell a lot like Christmas

Last night at an important family gathering, the uproarious scent of an SBD bunker blast was detected.

* * * * *

Saturday, December 11, 2010 01:47 p.m.

The Donald's friend spills his beer

I've been informed that a Donald Trump look-alike was sighted last night at a restaurant in Ipswich, England. Also, some guy sitting at his table spilled an entire beer all over himself and the floor.

* * * * *

Monday, December 6, 2010 02:05 p.m.

More celeb look-alikes around the world!

Last night, I was informed of 2 other uproarious celebrity look-alikes seen in America and Britain (although they both resembled American celebrities).

On a U.S. flight, a person who resembled Dianne Feinstein (aging DLC senator from California) was sighted. I've also been told that at a London restaurant, a guy who resembled Anthony Geary (actor who plays Luke Spencer on 'General Hospital') was seen.

* * * * *

Friday, December 3, 2010 11:48 a.m.

I goed to the dentist

I goed to the dentist this morning to fill the latest series of cavities. A young woman bubbled in the waiting room. Also, the dental assistant was a Sarah Palin look-alike. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's the same Sarah Palin look-alike I saw back on September 10, 2008, at the combination Subway/Burger King. (Only this time she didn't bubble).

* * * * *

Wednesday, December 1, 2010 03:01 p.m.

Latest batch o' poo!

I've posted 21 brand bubble gum bustin' new Roads Scholarin' photos and videos from right here in the Tri-State. These range from Oktoberfest to the construction on Covington's 12th Street to more obscure streets in Lower Price Hill.

So peep and weep:

* * * * *

Wednesday, November 17, 2010 03:05 p.m.

All my photos...doo doo doo...

I've finally posted the last of the photos I owed my great Western trip!

With these 214 photos and videos, this brings the total number of items from my trip to 613.

For the latest batch of Western goodness, point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Wednesday, October 20, 2010 02:48 p.m.

Celebrity look-alikes around the world!

Celebrity look-alikes must be a worldwide phenomeon. Just now, I was informed that a Margaret Thatcher look-alike was spotted in Santiago, Chile.

* * * * *

Sunday, October 10, 2010 02:37 p.m.

Wyoming! Idaho! Montana! It's a great place to fart, I mean start!

Wyoming! Idaho! Montana! It's a great place to start!

I've now posted 172 brand bippus-bustin' new photos and videos from my Western U.S. tour. They're divided into 7 parts.

It beehoves thee to point thy pooper here:

Also, today I saw a Ted Nugent look-alike at the store.

* * * * *

Wednesday, October 6, 2010 03:21 p.m.

Celeb look-alikes galore!

Earlier, I goed to the doctor, and on the way out of the parking lot, I saw a Jamie Lee Curtis look-alike. It was funny.

At Kroger when I was getting my prescriptions filled, I saw a Jimmy Carter look-alike. That was downright hilarious! I burst into laughter in the aisle!

* * * * *

Tuesday, September 28, 2010 11:31 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #459 is here!

Issue #459 of The Last Word got published today, and it's our back-to-school issue!

This edition features some neato articles on poo of this sort:

A university expands its fascist behavior profiling system.

A local public school district tries to silence alumni complaining about the way they were treated.

Republicans play the race card. (Imagine that!)

And they accuse everybody else of being racist.

The media ignores a study proving ADHD is overdiagnosed.

A local county refuses to follow a domestic violence law.

The story of when a motorcycle club took on a local school bureaucracy.

A lawsuit regarding an unconstitutional drug sweep at a local school is dismissed.

Civics education matters!

A major league sports stadium expels fans over their political views.

So it behooves thee to point thy pooper plumb here:

* * * * *

Friday, September 24, 2010 12:46 a.m.

Kroger humor

Yesterday at Kroger, some woman bubbled, and later somebody ripped a silent-but-deadly.

* * * * *

Sunday, September 19, 2010 10:27 p.m.

2 days of Ploptoberfest!

I goed to Ploptoberfest yet again today! And today was ploppy too!

I noticed that (in addition to the usual beer bottles) somebody put an Orange Crush bottle and a large plastic bag in the toilet bowls. One wonders how they even got the bag into the restroom without getting caught, since it was so big.

The best plopping was when I noticed that someone had thrown one of those Geico fans with the Geico gecko on them in the toilet. The Geico gecko's face filled the whole fan, and it leered at toilet-goers. It also appeared as if somebody tore the soap dispenser off the wall inside one of the portable outhouses and plopped it.

Also, I saw a Phil Gramm look-alike. Furthermore, I saw 4 people who were in a festive enough mood that they opted to bubble.

And, if that wasn't enough, somebody ripped a raunchy silent-but-deadly bunker blast on Fountain Square near the fountain.

* * * * *

Sunday, September 19, 2010 12:34 a.m.

Phone the toilet...make me happy...

(Sung to the tune of "Sunshine On My Shoulders.")

I just got home from the Saturday installment of Ploptoberfest (Cincinnati's Oktoberfest), and this year's festival may be the ploppiest ever!

In addition to the usual ploppings of beer bottles and disposable plastic cups, there were some ploppings that I never would have expected. They saved the best for first: Early in the day, I noticed someone put a Yellow Pages phone book in the toilet bowl in one of the portable restrooms. Later, I noticed someone had done the same with a Pop-Tart box and 2 CD's.

How did they manage to smuggle such large items as phone books and Pop-Tart boxes into the restrooms without people seeing them?

In addition, a young woman tried to topple one of the portable outhouses. It's unclear if she succeeded. Somebody also ripped the handle off the door of one of the outhouses.

Also, people kept stealing the life-sized cardboard cutouts of the Samuel Adams beer man that peopled Fountain Square.

As for celebrity look-alikes today, I did see a Grace Slick look-alike.

Furthermore, I saw 8 - count 'em, 8 - people who were in such a festive mood that they bubbled.

* * * * *

Friday, September 17, 2010 05:34 p.m.

227 road photos and videos posted!

The forces of good have now sorted and posted hundreds of photos and videos from the trip out West a few weeks ago. There's 227 items to be exact, and they represent over one-third of the items from that trip. (The rest shall be posted later.)

They're divided into 10 parts, so point thy poopster here:

* * * * *

Monday, September 6, 2010 01:46 p.m.

Go west, fact-finding mish! (Pow!)

Around midnight last night, I returned from an amazing 9-day-long fact-finding mission! We made it as far as the Alberta provincial line (not to mention Montana and Idaho)!!! Can you believe that???

An out-of-order urinal got peed in.

Some old man in a cowboy hat farted really loud at an Abraham Lincoln monument.

Celebrity look-alikes included Kenny G, Mr. Hooper, Colin Powell, Steve Forbes, Jim Hightower, and a couple that resembled Rudy Giuliani and Edith Bunker. We also saw a Bob Saget look-alike on a billboard.

Also, some woman bubbled at the Maverik gas station in Green River, Wyoming.

* * * * *

Tuesday, August 24, 2010 08:15 p.m.

Hardware hilarity

Earlier, when I was going to the hardware store, a person walking down the street bubbled.

* * * * *

Monday, August 23, 2010 11:52 a.m.

Recent Scholaring photos posted!

There's only 5 of 'em, but the photos from the Roads Scholaring of August 6 are now up. So peep, weep, and oggle-beep:

* * * * *

Thursday, August 19, 2010 10:08 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #458 is here!

Can you believe The Last Word has been around 17 years?

Now we've published issue #458, and it's a doozy. This edition discusses topics like these:

The latest right-wing power grab by local suburbs.

Why I left Facebook.

The Tea Party having its pwecious widdle feewings hurt.

When government cheese was a real program.

When Wikipedia says I'm right, and the other side is wrong.

The drug war's link to the recent home invasions we've experienced.

The decline of a once-edible breakfast cereal.

So point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Saturday, August 7, 2010 09:28 p.m.

I Scholared yesterday!

Yesterday I went Roads Scholaring again, this time along US 52 on the east side of Cincinnati. That stretch has become rich in Scholaring features!

An angry mob attempted to chase me out of Columbia-Tusculum.

But only 5 photos loom.

* * * * *

Wednesday, August 4, 2010 09:28 p.m.

Photos from this summer of Scholaring

The heat has put the kibosh on Roads Scholaring in recent weeks, but I do have photos from the most recent 2 Scholarings posted.

First, here's 17 items from the recent Peace Bike visit to Northside:

And here's 12 from our visit to the abandoned English Woods neighborhood:

That's all, folks!

* * * * *

Monday, August 2, 2010 03:28 p.m.

Ah! Some bike routing software! Ew!

This blog has a new cash cow - even though it's FREE to you, the bespectacled reader! And it's part of LeftMaps, our ongoing Cincinnati area mapping project that helps support this blog.

I've released brand new Cincinnati area BICYCLE ROUTING SOFTWARE! It's downloadable, and it works with Windows.

Before running this program, be sure to read the user guide. It will bring you fun and excitement from tonight until the end of time!

To download LeftMaps Router, point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Thursday, July 29, 2010 05:56 p.m.


I almost forgot to mention here that today is the 10th anniversary of the Devou Park Showdown!

That's when the Kenton County Police chased me away from a Bush campaign rally because I chased after some Adolf who assaulted a young woman for disagreeing with Bush. With this incident, the officers involved proved they were Nazis.

Wow! Ten years!

* * * * *

Sunday, July 18, 2010 12:10 a.m.

I'm 37, I can do what I want!

I'm 37, I can do what I want! I'm 37, I can do what I want! I'm 37, I can do what I want! I'm 37, I can do what I want! I'm 37, I can do what I want! I'm 37, I can do what I want! And yooouuuuuuuuuu can't!

* * * * *

Sunday, July 11, 2010 03:12 a.m.

More. Bubbling. In. Public.

Last night, at the concert/fireworks at Bellevue Beach Park, 2 people bubbled.

* * * * *

Friday, July 9, 2010 07:38 p.m.

Tim putters and mutters on Sutter

Today I went Roads Scholaring again, and I'll have 12 photos and videos looming!

This time, I saw the (keek!) ruins of English Woods. So glad to discover this urban prairie!

But it absolutely poured on the way over there this morn! Somehow, I managed to get sunburned even though it was cloudy all day.

I set a bike speed record: I went 32.6 MPH on Sutter Avenue - which is the fastest I've ever biked!

Also, this morning I saw a Cat Stevens look-alike in Bellevue.

* * * * *

Thursday, June 17, 2010 09:24 p.m.

About Roads Scholaring

It cracked a roo.

Just joking!

Actually, today - June 17 - I went Roads Scholaring again, this time primarily in Northside.

It was a rather dull Scholaring, and it was hotter than a bunker blast, but still, 17 photos loom.

* * * * *

Friday, June 11, 2010 10:50 p.m.

Pickpocketing: part of the New Economy!

Today, someone pickpocketed $120 from me at either Buckhead Mountain Grill or Kroger.

This is not the first pickpocketing I've suffered, as someone stole my wallet in college when I had to squeeze through the crowded hall of the University Center on the day of some big to-do.

Also, one of the waitresses at Fuckhead Mountain Grill bubbled - as did some woman standing at the intersection of Fairfield & Riviera.

* * * * *

Friday, June 11, 2010 03:20 a.m.

Have no fear, ish #457 is here!

Finally, issue #457 of the time-honored Last Word is pub-a-roony!

This issue features several important pieces:

The decline of a once-great Kentucky politician.

Tea Party fascism.

Facebook fascism.

Google fascism.

Sorority parties that trashed toilets and ruined tablecloths.

And more! It's not sold in any store!

So point your pooper plumb here:

* * * * *

Sunday, June 6, 2010 04:28 p.m.

14 Scholaring photos posted!

Hi there!

In recent eras, I've posted the 14 latest road photos.

Here's a few from the small but passable Scholaring in southwestern Cincinnati recently:

And here's a bunch from the area around Covington's abandoned 26th Street:

* * * * *

Tuesday, June 1, 2010 05:43 p.m.

Get your kicks on 26th

Today I goed Roads Scholaring again - this time on the abandoned 26th Street in Covington!

Man, was I thrilled to find this!

While biking on the abandoned road, I slammed my head into an overhanging branch and jammed my left thumb on something. But that's the price of finding abandoned streets.

* * * * *

Wednesday, May 26, 2010 07:12 p.m.

Another minor Scholaring

A somewhat minor Roads Scholaring in Sedamsville occurred today. Five photos and videos loom.

I stopped at Fountain Square on the way home. There, I saw a Phil Collins look-alike, and some woman bubbled.

* * * * *

Sunday, May 23, 2010 05:43 p.m.

South Newport photos posted!

I've now posted the 16 photos and videos from last week's Roads Scholaring on the south side of Newport. Peep, weep, and steep:

* * * * *

Wednesday, May 19, 2010 08:51 p.m.

Hearing loss no bar to Roads Scholaring

Despite the severe hearing loss I've suffered in recent days, I went Roads Scholaring again today.

This time, I covered the south side of Newport. Sixteen photos and videos loom.

* * * * *

Sunday, May 9, 2010 03:37 p.m.

Another store bubbling because you think it's funny

Today at the store, the cashier bubbled. (This wasn't the same cashier as last time.) The hilarious thing is that I knew she was going to bubble, because she made a big issue about it first.

* * * * *

Sunday, May 9, 2010 01:27 p.m.

Bunches of Covington photos and videos posted!

I've posted last week's 13 road-chasing photos and videos from Covington.

You'll peep, you'll weep, you'll beg for more!

* * * * *

Tuesday, May 4, 2010 08:38 p.m.

Scholaring again got goed

Indeed it did.

Anyway, I went Roads Scholaring again today - this time mostly on the west side of Covington, including Devou Park.

It wasn't a huge event, but I'll have 13 photos and videos looming.

* * * * *

Saturday, May 1, 2010 02:19 p.m.!

I've posted the Roads Scholaring photos and videos from Wednesday's Dayton, KY, tour. Most of it is as roadly as you can imagine, but there's also some items dealing with the demolition of a house:

* * * * *

Saturday, May 1, 2010 02:01 p.m.!

Today the cashier at the store bubbled.

* * * * *

Wednesday, April 28, 2010 06:17 p.m.

A day of Dayton and demolition

Today, I committed a minor Roads Scholaring in Dayton, KY. Then I watched crews demolish a burned house.

Photos and videos loom.

Also, some woman walking on the Dayton floodwall bubbled.

* * * * *

Tuesday, April 27, 2010 02:54 p.m.

80 moar Scholaring photos and videos posted!

Over the past couple weeks, there's been 3 Roads Scholarings, and I've got all the photos up now!

From my Loveland jaunt, you can point your pooper plumb here:

From the West Covington event, peep and beep:

And finally, there's this 2-parter from my Lockland/Springdale outing - which features several Ohio state name Interstate shields:

So stop, drop, and plop!

* * * * *

Wednesday, April 21, 2010 12:01 a.m.

One of the biggest Scholarings in a while!

Yesterday, the Peace Bike and I launched one of our biggest bike-based Roads Scholarings ever. We went all the way to Springdale!

It was also quite frustrating, because of the terrible condition of the roads up there.

I'll have about 40 photos and videos looming from this event.

* * * * *

Thursday, April 15, 2010 08:47 p.m.

A firing, some Scholarings, and a heckled Tea Party

It's been a busy week here, so let's bip to the chase...

On Tuesday morning, I got my AdSense account yanked - which was politically motivated. Later on Tuesday, I Scholared all the way to Loveland!

Today, I Scholared in West Covington. Then I crashed the stupid Tea Party by heckling them when they deliberately blocked traffic.

You can find more details about some of my latest doings on my political blog, The Online Lunchpail:

* * * * *

Tuesday, April 13, 2010 01:18 a.m.

2 weeks of Scholarin' photos posted!

There's been lots of new poo on the local Roads Scholaring front the past couple weeks, so here's 5 batches of scholaring photos and videos for you.

From the north side of town, there's this great set, featuring those abandoned rowhouses:

From Covington, there's this bit of fun:

Peep and weep at this northern Kentucky set that's heavy in alleys:

From Opening Day, there's this set from downtown, where actual live celebs meet actual live roads:

And finally, feast your peepers on the most recent set - from Cincinnati's east side, featuring an amazing urban prairie:

That'll be all.

* * * * *

Tuesday, April 6, 2010 09:03 p.m.

Yet another Scholaring for your bemusement

Today I Scholared yet again!

This time, I went out by Lunken Airport again. And this Scholaring was actually pretty productive. It'll yield 18 road photos.

Also, on the way back home on US 52, I found a smashed 'Thuggin'' by Magic CD laying in the roadway.

* * * * *

Monday, April 5, 2010 06:04 p.m.

It's the Cincinnati Reds playin' basteball again...

I went to the Opening Day parade today - which was somewhat interesting because Johnny Bench was there.

Not a Johnny Bench look-alike. Not a drawing of Johnny Bench. But the Johnny Bench!

I didn't go last year because it poured down rain all day. Despite warnings of impending inclement weather today, we had the best weather we've had in ages for an Opening Day!

There was some minor Roads Scholaring in addition to the parade.

Also, I saw 5 - count 'em, 5 - people today who were in such a festive mood that they bubbled.

* * * * *

Thursday, April 1, 2010 08:36 p.m.

3 days, 3 Scholarings

I Scholared yet again today - this time in Newport and into Latonia.

I'll have 16 photos looming from this uneventful outing.

* * * * *

Wednesday, March 31, 2010 11:48 p.m.

2 days in a row of Scholaring. Can I make it 3?

I went Roads Scholaring again today, this time throughout Covington. It wasn't a particularly eventful outing, but it did yield 18 photos.

Will I make it 3 days in a row tomorrow?

* * * * *

Wednesday, March 31, 2010 01:55 a.m.

Have no fear, ish #456 is here!

Have no fear.

Because the long-awaited issue #456 of the durable Last Word is finally here!

You're going to love the latest edition of this long-running populist bandstand - which includes articles about:

Corporate personhood.
Facebook's closure of a vile class warfare group.
Our successful attempt to rein in a local city's war against the poor.
New sidewalks that violate the ADA.
A local public school district's rehiring of an abusive employee and its charging of tuition for students within the district.
The library that babysits bratty middle schoolers who pee on the floor.
The traffic fine that clogged a toilet.

You know where to look. Just click here:

* * * * *

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 04:50 p.m.

Hidden gem found while Roads Scholaring!

I Scholared again today, this time in the north side of the city of Cincinnati.

It was a rather nondescript Scholaring until late during the event, when I found a hidden gem: blocks of abandoned rowhouses that I'd thunk had been razed years ago! What a find!!!!!

I'll have about 20 photos and videos looming later.

Also, 2 people bubbled.

* * * * *

Monday, March 29, 2010 01:55 p.m.

3 moar road videos posted!

On Saturday night, I goed to a bonfire near Lexington in which we burned logs, plastic cups, and beer bottles.

But it also yielded 3 road videos!

That means you have to point your pooper stone here:

* * * * *

Tuesday, March 23, 2010 09:15 p.m.

Last week's Scholarin' photos posted!

I just posted 40 new photos and videos from last week's pair of Roads Scholarings!!!

This is from Wednesday's Peace Bike outing in Cincinnati:

And this is from the Southgate event on Thursday:

Don't destroy! Enjoy!

* * * * *

Tuesday, March 23, 2010 04:30 p.m.

It's bubbling season, Charlie Brown!

A person walking through the alley next to my building just bubbled.

* * * * *

Thursday, March 18, 2010 09:23 p.m.

2 days in a row of Scholaring!

I goed Roads Scholaring 2 days in a row? Can I make it 3?

Today, I went to southeastern Newport and Southgate. This outing was actually more productive than I expected: It yielded 19 photos and videos.

That on top of the 21 I still owe from yesterday!

* * * * *

Wednesday, March 17, 2010 10:53 p.m.

I Scholared again...oh oh...

Today I went Roads Scholaring yet again!

This time, I covered central Cincinnati, including some rather elusive areas that had been given short shrift until now.

I'll have 21 photos and videos looming later!

I'd also like to welcome back readers to this blog following Pitas's outage early this week.

* * * * *

Monday, March 8, 2010 08:06 p.m.

A big day for Scholaring and book publishing!

Roads Scholaring season beginned today, so I Scholared on the west side of Cincinnati, especially in Fairmount and Price Hill. Thirty-three photos and videos loom!

But the big news is...MY NEW BOOK IS PUBLISHED!!!

Without further poo, you can buy my new book 'A Mind's Smithereens' by pointing your pooper here:

* * * * *

Tuesday, March 2, 2010 04:22 a.m.

25 Scholarin' photos from Feb posted!

I've posted 25 Roads Scholaring photos from Febrewery!

This includes 19 from the main outing on February 19:

Plus 3 of the blizzard:

And 3 from the Blackout of '10:

* * * * *

Monday, February 22, 2010 07:00 p.m.

The book is done!!!

The book is done
(Done, done)
The book is done
(Done, done)
The book is done
(Done, done)
The book is done
(Done, done)

The book is done
The doggone book is done

(Sung to the tune of "The Girl Is Mine.")

I've just completed my second book, and now all it needs is to be proofread and submitted.

That's it! Done!

I would have had it done by last month, but for my fight with Google and an unusual glut of fact-finding missions. But that's fine. It'll all work out in the end, because that's the natural order of things.

* * * * *

Saturday, February 20, 2010 11:35 p.m.

Full toilet bowls strike again!

I've just been informed of the story of 2 completely filled toilet bowls in a restaurant bathroom.

Both potties were full of paper towels or toilet paper. None of them would flush, and kept filling up with poo-poo.

* * * * *

Friday, February 19, 2010 08:02 p.m.

Another Scholaring Ice Bowl happened today!

Damn! I could have goed so much further today if several local cities hadn't dumped snow from everywhere else onto paths where bikes are most likely to travel.

Nonetheless, I did go Roads Scholaring today on the Peace Bike (which also involved my once-every-4-years motor vehicle department visit). Mostly, I covered some side streets off US 52 along the east side of the 'Nati.

I doubt if there's any really earth-shattering photos, but I did get about 15 of 'em.

* * * * *

Sunday, February 14, 2010 10:02 p.m.

Another celeb look-alike report!

I've just been informed that a Simon Cowell look-alike was sighted at a sporting event!

* * * * *

Friday, February 12, 2010 05:24 a.m.

Pooing is cool

Indeed it is.

* * * * *

Friday, February 12, 2010 05:24 a.m.

Pooing is cool

Indeed it is.

* * * * *

Friday, February 12, 2010 05:24 a.m.

Pooing is cool

Indeed it is.

* * * * *

Saturday, January 23, 2010 09:08 p.m.

Last week's Scholaring photos now posted!

Remember last week when I goed Roads Scholaring in Kenton County?

Well, now I've posted the 20 photos and videos I owed!

So weep and peep:

* * * * *

Monday, January 18, 2010 06:35 p.m.

I found facts!

The Far Right went absolutely bugfuck ballistic when I went on my Mid-South fact-finding mission around New Year's.

They hate it when I do this. Just HATE it! Even if it's in a conservative region of the country such as the South.

The main fact I found is that it rains a lot on my fact-finding missions. But I did collect 166 road photos and videos from Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Missouri. All of them of course had that Tim feel - so point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Thursday, January 14, 2010 07:55 p.m.

Another Roads Scholaring ice bowl!

Today was tiring.

The Peace Bike and I went Roads Scholaring today on the south end of Covington. It was damn cold, and my arthritis was acting up as never before.

Even so, it was a somewhat productive day. Photos and videos loom.

* * * * *

Saturday, January 9, 2010 05:37 p.m.

Food, folks, and gum

Some woman who works at McDonald's bubbled.

* * * * *

Saturday, January 2, 2010 10:40 a.m.

The decade of the Bandit begins!

I'm home, I'm home, I'm home!

I returned late last night from a 4-day fact-finding mission in the south central U.S. I celebrated New Year's by traveling up and down a street in Arkansas that seemed to be named for a 'Sesame Street' Muppet and imitating this character in full view of locals.

If you thought the 2009 Tim ruled, wait until you see the 2010 Tim!

Also, about 140 road photos and videos from this trip loom.

* * * * *

Thursday, December 24, 2009 11:27 p.m.

Once again, it's beginning to smell a lot like Christmas!

Earlier I goed to an important family gathering, and many bunker blasts were detected.

I detected 9 loud and proud bunkeroos. In addition, there was one silent but deadly that I caught a whiff of - and rumors of 2 more.

All in all, lots of laughs!

* * * * *

Thursday, December 17, 2009 05:43 p.m.

Monday's Scholaring photos now posted!

I've posted the 8 Roads Scholaring photos and videos I owed from Monday.

The video is a hilarious 'Cops' parody that'll make you laugh your pooper off!

So before if gets laughed off, you may want to point it here for these latest Scholarin' items:

* * * * *

Monday, December 14, 2009 06:13 p.m.

Let's go Scholaring...Scholaring...

Let's go Scholaring...Scholaring...Scholaring

Let's go Scholaring, for a better way to poo!

(Sung to the tune of the old "Let's go Krogering" jingle.)

Today, I goed Roads Scholaring - thus fulfilling my pledge to do at least one Scholaring per month. But this was a very minor Scholaring, focusing all on Newport.

In the process, I checked out the new Kroger superstore that an entire neighborhood was demolished for.

I'll have only about 8 photos and videos of road features.

* * * * *

Wednesday, Dismember 9, 2009 11:15 p.m.

Photos from Missouri trip now posted!

It's been a while since I've posted here, largely because I've been sorting the 101 photos and videos I got during my recent Missouri trip!

Now they're up and posted, but I've had to divide them into 5 parts:

* * * * *

Sunday, November 29, 2009 12:15 p.m.

I'm home from Missouri!

I got home from my fact-finding mission in the Show Me State last night!

This trip will forever be known for my destroyment of a for-profit company's donation box scam. (I've found several websites exposing this company as a fraud.)

I think there's 101 road photos and videos looming.

* * * * *

Thursday, November 26, 2009 09:47 p.m.

SBD's and Mighty Mo

Today at an important family gathering for Thanksgiving, the uproarious scent of an SBD bunker blast was detected. Accusations sprang up, but no suspects could be indicted.

Tomorrow morning, I leave for a fact-finding mission in Illinois and Missouri. I'll be back Saturday!

* * * * *

Thursday, November 12, 2009 11:27 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #455 is here!

An ish. An ish. An ish, an ish, an ish, an ish, an ish... (To the tune of the 'Pink Panther' theme.)

The latest issue of The Last Word (a fanzine of freedom) is now published, and this installment is sort of like a '90s flashback, as we mention the decade of helmet hair quite a bit.

This ish features articles about:

The similarities between the Tea Party loon squad and the phony populists of old.

A local city wasting taxpayer dollars just to spite us.

The scam of credit scores.

A phony plumber's toilet-trashin' fraud.

More right-wing tyranny in our schools!

How health care reform opponents channel gun control.

So peep, eep, and meep:

* * * * *

Thursday, November 12, 2009 09:22 p.m.

6 new photos and videos now waft!

Earlier, I posted 6 new Scholarin' items - which includes the poo from yesterday.

So if you're really in a poo mood, point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Thursday, November 12, 2009 01:02 a.m.

I Scholared yesterday!

A minor Scholaring - mostly along KY 8 into Fort Thomas - occurred yesterday. I didn't mention it before, because it was just so minor.

Photos and videos loom.

* * * * *

Wednesday, November 4, 2009 05:50 p.m.

Yet another public bubbling

Earlier at Kroger, some woman bubbled.

* * * * *

Sunday, October 25, 2009 12:56 a.m.

More BTPer fail

I went downtown yesterday to monitor the right-wing rally that was put on by the Tea Party sore losers. It was a bore, with hardly anyone showing up.

Also, some guy standing along the street bubbled.

* * * * *

Saturday, October 24, 2009 02:13 p.m.

22 new Scholaring photos and videos posted!

There's lots of Scholarin' action this morn!

I've just posted 22 new items from Thursday's Roads Scholaring involving the 8th Street Viaduct, Wilder, and more!

So point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Saturday, October 24, 2009 12:46 a.m.

Another celebrity look-alike reported

I've just been informed that a Jay Leno look-alike was sighted at a Ruby Tuesday's.

Also there was a dirty toilet there.

* * * * *

Thursday, October 22, 2009 08:11 p.m.

2 Scholarings in one week!

For the second time this week, I goed Roads Scholaring!

This time it was because of certain local events, and man, my timing was perfect for these! Absolutely spot on!

First, I got to see the reopening of my beloved 8th Street Viaduct. Then I bipped through Covington and Newport and up to Wilder, because the Tea Party whack-a-doos were planning a rally at all the exits off I-275.

I figured I'd confront these sore losers at their rally at the AA Highway exit, but they didn't show up, because they knew that exit was the most easily accessible to me. Man, what a bunch of wusses.

Still, my timing for both events today was almost on the nose.

Thanks to the resulting Scholaring, I'll have about 20 photos and videos lurking in the near future.

Also, when I was getting on the 4th Street bridge in Covington, some woman standing on the corner bubbled.

* * * * *

Tuesday, October 20, 2009 11:22 p.m.

Yesterday's photos posted!

I've already posted the Roads Scholaring photos and videos from yesterday's Peace Bike outing in Newport.

There's only 6 items, but these include some of my better recent exhibits. So peep and weep:

* * * * *

Monday, October 19, 2009 04:28 p.m.

In Newport...Concrete jungle where dreams are made of...

Today I went Roads Scholaring again!

This time, it was on the hill that defines the south side of Newport (south of 12th). I'm pleased to discover an abandoned road, as abandoned roads are often a highlight of these outings.

I think I'll have 6 photos and videos looming from this event. And there's some good ones!

Also, I goed to Kroger on the way home, and some woman there bubbled.

* * * * *

Wednesday, October 7, 2009 03:22 p.m.

Monday's photos utterly postimated

I've just posted the Roads Scholaring photos and videos I owed from Monday.

I added them to a couple of stray items from last month, which includes some Ploptoberfest humorness.

In all, this batch includes 19 still photos and 4 videos:

* * * * *

Tuesday, October 6, 2009 03:59 p.m.

Oops, I lied!

"Baby, I lied..."

(Bet it's been a while since you've heard that one, huh?)

I lied last night when I said I made it further than Locust Pike. This lie wasn't intentional, but I have a knack for detail, so I have to correct it here.

I actually went to the dead end of Locust Pike, which I had thought was Whites Road. I had the road names switched around. Later I checked a map and learned the lurid truth.

So, to recap: I made it as far as the southern end of Locust Pike (past Whites Road). And now, the countdown continues...

* * * * *

Monday, October 5, 2009 08:59 p.m.

Focus on Locust

Today (after the harrowing past week or two) I goed Roads Scholaring again!

This was mostly along the Licking River in Kenton County - going out along Locust Pike and further! I believe this was part of Taylor Mill, though I clearly went into Ryland Heights a little bit.

I'll have about 15 photos (AND VIDEOS!!!) looming!

* * * * *

Monday, September 21, 2009 07:31 p.m.

3 new sets of Scholarin' photos!

I've assembled 3 - count 'em, 3 - sets of Roads Scholaring photos so far this month. Two of them were Peace Bike outings, but one of them was just a few Riverfest items - featuring an Allowed Cloud violation, of course!

The most recent is the 19 photos I got from my outing on Cincinnati's north side:

Before that, I produced 9 photos on my 9/9/09 outing:

And before that, there's another 5 from Riverfest (where people bubbled):

So peep, weep, and oggle-beep!

* * * * *

Sunday, September 20, 2009 12:41 a.m.

Ploptoberfest gets all ploppy again!

I just got back from the Saturday installment of Cincinnati's Oktoberfest!

Now I know why it's called Ploptoberfest: I noticed someone had plopped a pair of underpants and a stick of deodorant into the toilet bowl. Also, someone smeared rotten fruit cocktail all over one of the portable restrooms.

Everyone had a great time. Including some old man who rolled a joint and smoked it in plain sight.

Also, I twice detected the scent of a bunker blast. And I almost burst out laughing because I saw a Cliff Richard look-alike.

Furthermore, I saw 9 - count 'em, 9 - people who were in such a festive mood that they bubbled.

More details here:

* * * * *

Monday, September 14, 2009 10:06 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #454 is here!

An ish. An ish. An ish, an ish, an ish, an ish, an iiiiish... (To the tune of the Pink Panther song.)

I just put out the annual Back-to-School issue of The Last Word!

This ish is a little haphazard, but it comes to 8 pages when printed. Articles about:

School corruption and the web of people who run our schools and other organizations.

Poor sportsmanship at high school sporting events.

Private school bailouts that cost our public schools.

The top 5 worst things about my former high school.

A hilarious booger story.

Positive recidivism!

Another school-produced flu epidemic.

The school employee who was charged with attacking a disabled stadium usher.

An Indiana school official who seems to want school on weekends.

We continue a long tradition of dissent, as our Back-to-School editions date back to 1993.

So peep and weep:

* * * * *

Friday, September 11, 2009 08:57 p.m.

Another marathon Scholaring today!

Today, I did my second Roads Scholaring on the Peace Bike this week - and made it all the way to Evendale!

I went today where I meant to go Wednesday and ended up twice as far away as I intended. Some minor Allowed Clouds were violated.

I'll only have about 15 photos though, because of the amazing drabness of most of the roads I was on.

* * * * *

Friday, September 11, 2009 07:28 p.m.

3 bathroom reports

Before I get to today's Scholaring, I've just received 3 bathroom reports.

1) A dirty potty in a park bathroom with bright yellow pee all over one stall and hunks of pooh all over the other.

2) A Walgreen's restroom with a strong odor of poo and specks of old poo around the bowl.

3) At a Golden Corral restaurant, a roll of paper towels was rolled out onto the floor between the toilets, and there were pieces of paper towels on the sink with phone numbers on them.

Be bathroomy.

* * * * *

Wednesday, September 9, 2009 06:35 p.m.

9 photos on 9/9/09

I Scholared again today - this time on Cincinnati's east side, mostly just around the Adams Crossing area.

And, man, am I disappointed. Misleading signage dumped me in a completely different area from where I intended to go, and I wasn't about to go back up. So I still have some area to cover.

I had no intent of getting 9 photos on 9/9/09, but I did. I'll have 'em posted later.

* * * * *

Sunday, September 6, 2009 10:29 p.m.

I goed to Rip-off-fest!

Today I went to Riverfest to see the fireworks!

And violate an Allowed Cloud, of course - this time by bringing in Dr Pepper. (I'll have a photo later showing this violation.)

This is the second Riverfest in a row at which I saw a Michael McDonald look-alike. I also saw one last year, remember?

Also, I saw 3 people who were in such a festive mood that they bubbled.

* * * * *

Thursday, September 3, 2009 05:48 p.m.

19 Scholarin' photos and videos posted!

I posted these a few days ago but I forgot to mention it here.

This latest installment includes 4 photos from Campbell County on August 12:

More significantly, it includes 15 items from my August 25 Roads Scholaring:

* * * * *

Tuesday, September 1, 2009 01:41 p.m.

More poor-quality toilums

I've just been informed that a Hardee's in Myrtle Beach had dried poo around the entire rim of the potty, with remnants of toilet paper all over the floor. It also had a broken toilet rotting through the wall.

There's also a rumor that a Fazoli's in Columbia, South Carolina, had gobs of dried poo caked all over the toilet and mold growing on the restroom walls.

I've also been informed that an EconoLodge in Corbin, Kentucky, smelled of cat pee and had mold growing in the shower. It also reportedly had a leaky potty that kept making noise by refilling the tank once every hour all night.

* * * * *

Monday, August 31, 2009 04:07 p.m.

Ants marching

I've just been informed of another dirty public restroom.

At a certain big-box retailer, someone sighted a filthy toilet that had yellow, loose poo all over the seat and running down the side.

Someone had also smeared shit on the back of the seat, and there were ants crawling all over the place.

At a store, of all places!

* * * * *

Wednesday, August 26, 2009 01:39 a.m.

Another frustrating Scholaring!

I Roads Scholared again yesterday. This time, I again covered Covington and Ludlow, to do some roads I didn't have time to do earlier this month. But it was very frustrating because of the heat and terrain.

I'll have about 15 pictures looming (plus 4 from a couple weeks ago I forgot about).

* * * * *

Monday, August 24, 2009 02:44 p.m.

A person bubbled

Just now, when I went down to the public mailbox, a young woman walking across the street bubbled.

* * * * *

Friday, August 14, 2009 04:39 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #453 is here!

You may have noticed that the 'Pail has been lighter than usual this week. When the other side takes stupidity to new highs as they have at the congressional town halls, there's not much further where things can be taken.

So I lean back, collect my royalties, and work on The Last Word - for which I don't get paid.

Today, issue #453 of the long-running Last Word was born.

This ish starts out serious with an expose of the ties between schools and abusive teen cults. But this installment has some humor pieces as well - like the one about how to react when someone farts at school, and one in which a legendary rocker helps us poke fun at a local restaurant chain.

So point your pooper here for the latest Last Word, which you're gonna love:

And since a surprising number of you missed ish #452, you can read about it here:

* * * * *

Wednesday, August 12, 2009 04:07 p.m.

I goed to the Aquarium

Today I went to the Newport Aquarium because my mom wanted to see it.

At the aquarium, a young woman bubbled. Also, I saw a person wearing a helicopter hat.

* * * * *

Sunday, August 9, 2009 01:52 p.m.

Scholarin' photos from last week posted!

A day or two ago, I posted those 14 photos and videos I owed from Wednesday.

Yes, I'm talking about the Newport-to-Bromley deal.

So peep 'n' weep...

* * * * *

Sunday, August 9, 2009 12:23 a.m.

No fights, no farts

The people are very disappointed.

I goed to the Bellevue Vets Carnival on Saturday night. I didn't see any good fights, nor did I detect any bunker blasts. The decline in flatulence and fights are why I don't spend much time at the carnival as I used to. Indeed, the place seemed practically dead compared to earlier years.

Despite the subdued atmosphere, however, some woman was in a festive enough mood that she bubbled a big blue bubble.

* * * * *

Saturday, August 8, 2009 03:02 p.m.

Another funny celeb look-alike!

Today at the store, I saw a Dick Cheney look-alike.

It was funny.

* * * * *

Friday, August 7, 2009 04:26 p.m.!

A person walking through the alley next to my apartment just bubbled.

* * * * *

Wednesday, August 5, 2009 11:56 p.m.

I Scholared again...oh-oh...

Today I goed Roads Scholaring yet again!!!

This was primarily a Newport-to-Bromley affair. I didn't think I'd find much, but I did. So I'll have about 12 photos looming soon.

Also, I accidentally ended up in Fort Wright, which resulted in a minor police encounter. (Nothing like the past encounters though.)

* * * * *

Sunday, August 2, 2009 12:12 a.m.

Another hilarious bubbling report


I've just been informed that a woman who works at a Frisch's Big Boy restaurant bubbled a big pink bubble.

Hi-larious, huh?

* * * * *

Saturday, August 1, 2009 09:57 p.m.

25 Indianapolis photos posted!

I posted the photos from my mid-July Indianapolis trip days ago, but I forgot to announce it. So here they am:

* * * * *

Saturday, July 25, 2009 03:43 p.m.

More public bubbling (because you think it's funny)

Today at the store, some woman bubbled a big blue bubble.

* * * * *

Thursday, July 23, 2009 05:49 p.m.

108 Scholaring photos from July 9 posted!

I finally posted those photos I owed from my massive Scholaring about Cincinnati of July 9! I had to divide them into 5 parts, for your bemusement:

* * * * *

Tuesday, July 21, 2009 10:39 p.m.

Scholaring cut short by fainting spell

I started a Scholaring today, but never finished - because of a fainting and vomiting spell that occurred before I was even out of Newport.

I had to go to the hosp, and they can't figure out what's wrong.

If nothing else was accomplished today, at least I figured out that, if you want to go to Fort Thomas, it's easier to take the Peace Bike up Berry Street than go all the way through Newport.

* * * * *

Saturday, July 18, 2009 12:26 a.m.

I'm 36, I can do what I want!

I'm 36, I can do what I want! I'm 36, I can do what I want! I'm 36, I can do what I want! I'm 36, I can do what I want! I'm 36, I can do what I want! I'm 36, I can do what I want! And yooouuuuuuuuuu can't!

* * * * *

Wednesday, July 15, 2009 11:32 p.m.

Goin' back to Indy

Goin' back to Indy...Indy...Indy...Goin' back to Indy...I don't think so...

Actually I do think so. In fact, I just returned from there today.

Fact-finding mission #58 concluded today. I went to Indianapolis to protest against the right-wing Pathway Family Center cult.

Of course, I have more details on my Online Lunchpail blog.

* * * * *

Saturday, July 11, 2009 11:01 p.m.

A person bubbled

A band gave a free concert at Bellevue Beast Park again. While I was down there, some woman bubbled. I'm pretty sure it was the same woman who bubbled at the 2007 concert.

* * * * *

Thursday, July 9, 2009 06:49 p.m.

I Scholared! Over 100 photos loom!

A Roads Scholar from the Internet breezed into town today, and he wanted to do some Roads Scholaring about Cincinnati.

So I took the Peace Bike down to Newport, and this Scholaring adventure continued from there, in automobile form. We drove about the city and Scholared extensively.

I didn't need to stop anywhere to eat or pee, so we covered quite a bit of territory. There were a few surprises.

Not a bad day, even just counting the Peace Bike portion. The Peace Bike did help guide me to a couple of Newport photos at the end.

* * * * *

Monday, July 6, 2009 10:57 a.m.

Indiana wants me! And it wants those 23 road photos!

Due to the Far Right, I forgot to mention that I posted those 23 road photos I owed from Indiana last week.

So peep and weep:

* * * * *

Friday, July 3, 2009 05:41 p.m.

Peace Bike nearly done ru

A week or two ago, when someone sliced the valve stem on the rear tire of the Peace Bike, I didn't notice that they had also bent the rear axle and smashed the crankshaft.

So I took the Peace Bike to the bike shop today, and they said repairs are going to run me $150 to $200. So it'll be out of the shop on Wednesday.

Also, some woman bubbled at Kroger.

* * * * *

Wednesday, July 1, 2009 04:11 p.m.

Pooping is cool

You're not gonna believe this one!

I've just been informed that some guy was spotted out in California carrying a bag that was pre-printed with the words "Pooping is cool"!

That slogan really has caught on, hasn't it?

* * * * *

Tuesday, June 30, 2009 02:05 a.m.

Protest happens!

I haven't blogged here much lately because I've moved most of my bloggings to The Online Lunchpail, but I just completed an overnight trip to Warsaw, Indiana, that included a protest against a right-wing confinement facility.

Suffice it to say, that makes it a high-mischief trip!

And I'll have 23 road photos looming.

On the way up, I noticed that someone put a water bottle in the toilet at a rest area on I-69.

* * * * *

Sunday, June 14, 2009 11:38 p.m.

Last week's Scholaring photos (and videos) posted!

I meant to tell you this days ago, but anyway...

I posted those items I owed from last week. I think there's 19:

* * * * *

Monday, June 8, 2009 05:03 p.m.

I Scholared...and violated an Allowed Cloud!

I went Roads Scholaring today! They weren't predicting rain, but it did rain about 5 drops.

I went up West Fork Road in Cincinnati all the way to where Montana Avenue meets I-74! And I did it relatively quickly!

I also had one of the best Allowed Cloud violations in awhile. A new sign on the Purple People Bridge prohibits commercial photography. So I'm going to make sure one of my photos from today is included in my next book, as the book is an income-generating project.

The Online Lunchpail is going to have a more detailed write-up about the latest Purple People Bridge fascism.

Also, when I went down along the riverfront on the way home, some woman bubbled.

* * * * *

Tuesday, June 2, 2009 03:00 p.m.

Gum for the Kroger

Today at Kroger, some woman bubbled.

* * * * *

Monday, May 25, 2009 07:44 p.m.

Drowning photos from last week posted

I meant to tell you earlier that I've posted my 20 Roads Scholaring photos and videos from last week at:

That was the set during which I almost drowned in Threemile Creek.

* * * * *

Tuesday, May 19, 2009 11:33 p.m.

More nasty toilets

I've just been told that more nasty toilets were finded.

Some pizza place (in addition to gnats in the restaurant) had dried poo all over the restroom. Also, a Sunoco station had poo in the sink.

* * * * *

Monday, May 18, 2009 07:32 p.m.

I guess that's why they call it Water Street, huh?

I goed Roads Scholaring today, and I learned the hard way how Water Street just outside Fort Thomas got its name.

It's because I almost drowned in Threemile Creek.

I found a strange trail off Water Street and used that to get to a tunnel that carries the creek under I-471. I was able to walk through the tunnel because the wa was so shallow, but at the very end, it just dropped off without warning.

I thought that was pretty much it!

That incident made this the most memorable Scholaring in years!

So I'll have maybe about 15 photos and videos of this central Campbell County outing looming later.

Also, on the way home on Covert Run Pike, the Peace Bike got up to almost 24 MPH, which is probably the fastest I've ever gone on the Peace Bike.

* * * * *

Friday, May 15, 2009 07:32 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #452 is here!

Let's hear it for tradition!

Tradition is why The Last Word (the long-running populist newsletter) remains in business even after blogs have become dominant. People remember the days of curling up with a nice printed Last Word, as fits of rage over the latest right-wing tyrannies bubbled to the surface.

The Last Word marches on with issue #452. In the latest ish, you'll read about:

The local cult that's trying to recruit 3-year-olds.

Library patrons urinating on books.

How to talk like a genius!

Another legendary rock band conquering a Holiday Inn!

A local university's attempt to wipe out a residential neighborhood to build more athletic facilities.

The "vandal-proof" restroom that isn't.

And more! It's not sold in any store!

So peep, weep, and oggle-beep:

* * * * *

Sunday, May 10, 2009 05:06 p.m.

Last week's Scholaring photos posted!

I meant to tell you this earlier, but those 12 photos and videos from my Covington/Ludlow jaunt on Tuesday are now posted:

* * * * *

Tuesday, May 5, 2009 04:03 p.m.

Go West, Roads Scholars!

I goed West today!

Not just west, but also West - West Street on the Covington/Ludlow boundary, that is!

I had been waiting for a couple weeks for good weather to go Roads Scholaring there, and today I finally made good on this goal! But I also found a good alternate trail from Covington to Ludlow - which was perhaps my proudest accomplishment today!

I'll have maybe 10 or 12 photos and videos looming.

* * * * *

Friday, May 1, 2009 12:01 p.m.


I've just been told that a stinky, icky potty was sighted at a Frisch's Big Boy restaurant! There was dried poop all over the seat and crap smeared on the outside of the toilet!

* * * * *

Monday, April 27, 2009 03:30 p.m.

More photos - and a celeb look-alike!

I posted those 13 road photos and videos I owed from Friday:

Also, I've just been informed that someone saw a Johnny Bench look-alike at church. However, he is not reported to have bubbled (as Bench did in the Bubble Fudge commersh).

* * * * *

Friday, April 24, 2009 08:27 p.m.

Scholaring season is here!

Just when I've about run out of places to go Roads Scholar, good Scholaring weather finally arrives!

Today, I Scholared. I went out near Anderson Ferry along US 50 and Hillside Avenue.

This wasn't one of the more notable Scholarings, but I did amass 12 photos plus one video, which will loom soon.

* * * * *

Tuesday, April 21, 2009 03:34 p.m.

Torrence Road! Lancaster Street! It's a great place to start!

On Saturday - the day after last week's Roads Scholaring - I posted the 12 photos from that event that I owed.

So peep and weep:

* * * * *

Friday, April 17, 2009 08:26 p.m.

Tourin' on Torrence

I goed Roads Scholaring today on the Peace Bike!

The main purpose was to check out the abandoned Torrence Road off US 52 in Cincinnati. But I ended up accidentally going to Lunken Airport, because I found a bike trail I didn't know existed, that moves much faster than US 52 does.

I'll have probably about 10 or 12 photos looming.

* * * * *

Wednesday, April 15, 2009 01:12 a.m.

Those 30 photos and videos I owed now posted!

I know this was way back on April 2, but I've finally posted those 30 Roads Scholaring items I owed!

So peep and poop:

* * * * *

Thursday, April 2, 2009 08:49 p.m.

Snow looms

Also, since snow looms on Opening Day, I might just skip it this year. Nonetheless, I did fill April's Roads Scholaring mandate today.

* * * * *

Thursday, April 2, 2009 08:38 p.m.

The most frustrating Roads Scholaring ever!

Today, I did what has to be the most frustrating Roads Scholaring of all-time.

If the roads in Kenton and Boone counties were any damn good, I would have had it done in one-third the time. But nope!

However, I did make it as far as the airport. And I'll have about 30 photos and videos looming your way.

* * * * *

Saturday, March 28, 2009 10:36 p.m.

Aah! 19 more Scholaring items posted!

Hey bubble gum blowers!

I posted those 19 road photos and videos I owed from Tuesday.

So point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 07:57 p.m.

Must be Scholaring season!

Today I did my fifth Roads Scholaring this month!

I went to the north side of Cincinnati, up along Hamilton Avenue. I would have gone further, except there was a very steep hill, so that pooped.

I'll have 17 still photos and 2 videos looming.

* * * * *

Monday, March 23, 2009 03:50 p.m.

A bunkeroo wafted

Last night, I goed to an important family gathering, and the hilarious scent of a bunker blast was detected.

* * * * *

Saturday, March 21, 2009 03:53 p.m.

Fort Thomas/Highland Heights pictures posted!

Alright, peeps!

I've posted those 16 photos and videos from Tuesday that I owed. So bip and beep:

* * * * *

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 04:53 p.m.

I Scholared!

Today I went Roads Scholaring again!

Of all the forms of Roads Scholaring, this is the fourth one for me that is partially or entirely in this month.

Today, I goed to Fort Thomas and Highland Heights! I don't know how many photos will loom, but I'm guessing about 10.

Also, I saw a hilarious celebrity look-alike! Over in front of the BP in Highland Heights, some woman drove past who looked just like Annie Lennox of the Eurythmics! And I think she knew that's what I was thinking!

Also, when I was on the way home, some guy in Bellevue bubbled.

* * * * *

Sunday, March 15, 2009 11:17 p.m.

Diarrhea mars restaurant bathroom

I've just been told that a trashed restroom was found at an Olive Garden restaurant.

At this establishment, a large trail of dried diarrhea was seen all over the back of a toilet seat.

* * * * *

Sunday, March 15, 2009 06:18 p.m.

BTPers = fools

This is funny!

I went down to Fountain Square to observe the Boston Tea Party mockery that went on there today.

Suffice it to say, the BTPers made even greater fools of themselves than I could have ever expected!

I'll have more details later on my Online Lunchpail blog:

Also, some old lady who was holding a right-wing sign in the rally bubbled.

And, while I was on 5th Street, some guy (who I don't think was one of the participants) was standing there when a police car rolled up. The guy was talking to the cops like they were friends, but then he leaned over to the police car window and farted right in the cop's face. The cops just laughed.

On the way home, I biked down near Newport On The Levee, and some guy standing in the parking lot farted really loud!

* * * * *

Sunday, March 15, 2009 12:51 p.m.

Five! Five! Five new Scholaring items posted!

(That's sung to the tune of the Subway commersh.)

Earlier, I posted 5 new photos and videos from last week's minor Scholaring in Covington. Bip and beep:

* * * * *

Saturday, March 14, 2009 04:04 p.m.

Nazis vandalize laundromat

Today I goed to the laundromat, and 2 guys vandalized the place by placing a National Alliance flier on the bulletin board there.

What a bunch of fascismfaces.

* * * * *

Saturday, March 14, 2009 01:05 p.m.

Sing us a song, you're a celebrity look-alike...


Last night, I went to a restaurant in Cincinnati with some family members. And I saw a celebrity look-alike!

There was a Billy Joel look-alike in there!!!

* * * * *

Friday, March 13, 2009 12:18 p.m.

60 photos and videos from last week posted!

I goed Rooooooooooads Scholaring last week in Milford, remember?

And now I've posted the 60 exciting road photos and videos from that event that I owed:

So read 'em and bip!

* * * * *

Monday, March 9, 2009 05:14 p.m.

The alleys of Covington!

If you're disappointed that I've done only 2 Online Lunchpail entries so far today, that's because I spent most of the day Roads Scholaring again.

But this was actually a very minor Scholaring. I tried focusing on Covington's forgotten alleys, which actually aren't as forgotten as I thought. There'll only be maybe 5 photos and videos.

Also, I still owe 60 photos and videos from last Thursday's northeastern Cincinnati jaunt.

* * * * *

Sunday, March 8, 2009 04:03 p.m.

110 photos and videos from Georgia trip posted!

I've completed posting the 105 photos and 5 videos from last weekend's Georgia/South Carolina trip!

So peep and weep:

* * * * *

Thursday, March 5, 2009 11:16 p.m.

Another report of a public bubbling and a celeb look-alike!

I've just been told that the clerk at the parking garage at Newport On The Levee bubbled forth a big green bubble earlier tonight.

And I've also been told that a James Brown look-alike was seen at the Kroger in Bellevue yesterday.

* * * * *

Thursday, March 5, 2009 08:42 p.m.

Peace Bike makes its first visit to Milford

No, this has nothing to do with the KHK cult, but anyway...

Those of you who read my works know about the Peace Bike, and how beloved it is. Well, I goed Roads Scholaring - my first biking ever in Milford. It was a 9-hour bike ride.

About 50 photos and videos loom.

* * * * *

Sunday, March 1, 2009 09:04 p.m.

Georgia! South Carolina! Tennessee! It's a great place to start!

I just got back from a weekend trip in the Southeast!

I got about 90 Roads Scholaring photos from this car trip, and yes, it was quite an event. Not much mischief, though, but it was decent.

The only celebrity look-alike I saw was an Ellen DeGeneres look-alike on a billboard.

Also, nobody bubbled.

* * * * *

Thursday, February 19, 2009 10:45 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #451 is here!

Volume #18 of The Last Word has now beginned!

If printed out, the latest ish would be 6 pages, which isn't a bad catch these days.

What, dare you ask, does issue #451 of the long-running Last Word cover? Well, it talks about these items:

Our "fuck you" to Yahoo!

A laundromat that got picketed in a pee-related controversy.

A legendary rock band playing our hotel conquering game.

More details from our North Carolina fact-finding mission.

A senator getting his, um, just desserts.

More busted toilets.

A nun's lecture over America's greatest pastime.

So point your bunker here for the latest irreverent Last Word:

* * * * *

Monday, February 9, 2009 03:27 p.m.

A million bubblings...A single store...

Earlier at Meijer, 2 people bubbled.

* * * * *

Sunday, February 8, 2009 02:10 p.m.

More Scholaring news!

First off, I've posted a small, relatively insignificant set of 5 photos from last Monday's midnight adventure:

Also, I'm told that Scholaring season is nigh, so I'm planning out a route for the next significant Roads Scholaring with the Peace Bike. A while back, someone requested that I do northeastern Cincinnati, but I've had a hard time finding a good route there. It appears I may have finally found one though. It might actually be easier than I thunk, so it's opened a whole new part of town to the Peace Bike and the Eyewitness Cam!

I'd like to get in a real Scholaring sometime this month, and I may get a chance soon.

* * * * *

Thursday, February 5, 2009 06:47 p.m.

Photos of last week's Commuter Clot frustration posted

I've posted 6 photos and videos of last Friday's frustration. Nothing big, but peep and weep nonetheless:

* * * * *

Friday, January 30, 2009 11:10 p.m.

"Won't you be my bald-headed woman...I'll try to be your bald-headed man..."

Hahahaha, The Fox just played "Bald-Headed Man"!!!

That's actually one song you don't hear too much on the radio anymore! At least I don't, because I usually don't listen to the radio anymore. I wouldn't have known about this if 92.5 wasn't coming through on my computer speakers.

* * * * *

Friday, January 30, 2009 07:46 p.m.

About Commuter Clot

It got canceled.

I didn't know this until I got down there though. Still, the Eyewitness Cam was pressed into service, to show you how bad the roads are today.

* * * * *

Thursday, January 29, 2009 07:20 p.m.

40 Roads Scholarin' photos and videos from last week posted!

I meant to bring this up earlier, but anyway, I now have those photos and videos from last Thursday's Eastern Avenue jaunt posted!

So peep and poop:

* * * * *

Thursday, January 22, 2009 06:27 p.m.

Eastern Avenue got Scholared today!

The weather at least was warm enough today to do the first Roads Scholaring of 2009! It might be the only one I get to do this month, unless I participate in Commuter Clot on January 30, but that's another matter completely!

Today, I goed way out on US 52, like I planned to do a few months ago. In fact, I could have done it then, but I was so frustrated by the condition of the road at the time that I opted not to. Today, I continued on the portion of the road that is still called Eastern Avenue, after losing US 52.

I didn't expect to get many photos or videos, but I got about 32, maybe 35.

But nobody bubbled.

* * * * *

Wednesday, January 21, 2009 08:31 p.m.

7 new Scholaring photos I didn't even know I had!

I found 7 Roads Scholaring photos from last month I didn't even know I had!

So now I've promptly posted them:

* * * * *

Saturday, January 17, 2009 01:51 p.m.

Wilbur and Orville Wright! You've discovered some road photos!

The Far Right hates the fact that I goed on a fact-finding mission in North Carolina and Virginia last month. Utterly despise it, they do.

This is the trip during which I defaced photos of Bill O'Reilly and Dr. Laura that cluttered the cover of a Yellow Pages phone book in a hotel room, by drawing mustaches and beards on them.

Because that uproarious act of protest made this trip one of the major events in the history of The Online Lunchpail, I'm announcing the release of my road photos not just on my original blog but also on the 'Pail.

I've uploaded 165 Roads Scholaring photos and videos - so many that I had to divide them into 7 parts, like the big Allowed Cloud I have to be in this case. As usual, most of these photos are of roads, but others depict other public features.

So peep, beep, weep, and eep:

* * * * *

Thursday, January 15, 2009 02:02 p.m.

"Too long ago, too long apart...She couldn't wait another day for...The Captain Kangaroo..."

Hahahahaha, they just played this on the music system at the grocery store!

I was about ready to roll on the floor laughing!

* * * * *

Saturday, January 10, 2009 04:47 p.m.

Several people bubble. Details at 11.

Today at the store, 2 people bubbled. Then later, at a different store, another person bubbled.

* * * * *

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 11:18 p.m.

North Carolina fun!

Tonight I got home from a 3-day fact-finding mission in North Carolina and Virginia!!! I think this is my 55th road trip.

The mischief rating got up to medium thanks to the defacement of a phone book in a motel room. Also, at a restaurant in Colonial Heights, Virginia, we saw a Todd Palin look-alike.

Further, at the Wright Brothers National Memorial (where some kid peed all over a sign), some guy was alleged to have bubbled. However, I did not witness this ghastly deed.

* * * * *

Saturday, December 27, 2008 07:27 p.m.

Cracker Barrel toilet gets trashed

I've just been told that someone ruinated a toilet at a Cracker Barrel restaurant by filling it to the rim with poopy - and obviously not wiping. The restroom lacked toilet paper, so they clearly could not have wiped.

Does that make your day or what?

* * * * *

Friday, December 26, 2008 04:34 p.m.


Yesterday I went to yet another family gathering in which an SBD bunkeroo was detected.

Also, the next few days are going to be slow as far as this blog is concerned, because I'm waiting for my new computer desk. Also, the installation of an Xbox looms when I get the new desk in.

* * * * *

Thursday, December 25, 2008 12:50 a.m.

It's beginning to smell a lot like Christmas!

I goed to an important family gathering for Christmas Eve, and while we were over there, an SBD bunker blast was detected!

* * * * *

Sunday, December 21, 2008 09:59 p.m.

Records are cool

Indeed they are.

I've been listening to my old 45's, some of which I haven't listened to in 15 years, and I've noticed that the flip sides back in my day were usually much better than even the main tracks are today.

Maybe if the RIAA would put out better music now, it wouldn't be losing so much music sales. Ever think of that, RIAA geniuses?

* * * * *

Sunday, Dismember 14, 2008 12:53 a.m.

22 new photos and videos now waft!

I meant to tell you this a couple days ago, but those 22 new Roads Scholaring photos and videos from Monday's outing in Fairview now waft. So point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Monday, December 8, 2008 07:40 p.m.

Another Roads Scholaring Ice Bowl!

Today was another Ice Bowl, if you will - though it didn't seem as chilly as last month's Roads Scholaring out on Hillside Avenue.

I took the Peace Bike out again - this time in Latonia and tiny Fairview!

Do you ever hear anything about Fairview? It's an incorporated city, but you never hear anything about it!

If we're lucky, we might have about 15 photos and videos looming.

* * * * *

Friday, November 28, 2008 04:59 p.m.

Give thanks for bunker blasts!

Last night at an important family gathering for Thanksgiving, I detected several brief whiffs of an SBD bunker blast.

'Twas rather amusing.

* * * * *

Thursday, November 27, 2008 02:15 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #450 is here!

Today, as you give thanks for the harvest with family and friends, pop open a keg or three and enjoy the latest issue of The Last Word - which continues its 16-year heritage of mixing serious commentary and humor!

This ish includes several pieces you might find interesting. Read about the 12-year-old kid who got arrested just for farting at school. Feast your eyes on my travelogue of last year's road trip in which Mountain Dew got spilled down inside the TV in a hotel room. Learn about bizarre vandalism at a respected Canadian art gallery.

For all this and more, point your pooper here:

(Also, this is the last time I'm copying a release like this to MySpace, because their blog feature is so hard to use.)

* * * * *

Tuesday, November 25, 2008 12:56 p.m.

A funny story about church toilet mischief

I just heard that every Thursday, a church restroom always gains liquid poo on the toilet seat and the outside of the potty. Apparently someone plans their diarrhea for every Thursday.

* * * * *

Tuesday, November 18, 2008 01:06 a.m.

Plop plop fizz fizz...

One of the pivotal events of my life happened 20 years ago today.

On Friday, November 18, 1988, I was treated to the Plop Lecture. Many of the circumstances of this event are a blur, but we do know this: I was a sophomore in high school, and the principal was throwing a temper tantrum about the toilets getting clogged with scissors and underpants. He famously declared, "Plop! There it goes! It's gone!"

I've told this story countless times, and it never gets old!

Following that jaw-dropping harangue, I declared November 18 of every year from then on to be Plop Day. It's celebrated with lots of toilet humor, fizzy drinks, and loud music.

Just yesterday, there was a photo of the old guy on the local newspaper website. He's scowling and pointing his finger, just as he always did in my day.

The restroom mischief that preceded the Plop Lecture fits the political theme of The Online Lunchpail. The headmaster's tirade is linked inseparably with the 1988 election. No election, no Plop Lecture.

The whole thing started when the walkie-talkie got put in the toilet in October. Shortly thereafter, there was a campaign ad on Power 94 radio for Mad Dog Bush, in which the Republican candidate came on at the end and gave a usual standard line like, "Paid for by Bush for President." It sounded as if he was speaking through a waterlogged walkie-talkie.

Inspired by that, I said something like, "I'm going to put something in the toilet at school if Bush wins." What else was I supposed to do? I wasn't old enough to vote. Why not be creative in voicing your opinion about how much Bush stinks?

Sure enough, Mad Dog Bush winned. Hence my contribution to the toilet hijinks: I put a campaign flyer for a local GOP politician in the johnnypot at school to protest the election results.

I still don't know who committed the other ploppings from the walkie-talkie up to November 18, but it would be a laugh-out-loud riot to find out now!

This is also one of these standard entries that goes on all of my blogs - except my MySpace one, of course, because MySpace's blog feature is so hard to use. Oh, what the hell, I'll post it there anyway! The 20-year anniversary of the Plop Lecture is special enough to be posted on 3 blogs!

How far have we come in these past 20 years? The country was crumbling then, but now there may finally be a glimmer of hope on the political front!

What else was going on in 1988? The Internet was only in its infancy in 1988. A state-of-the-art modem was 1200 baud. Mullets and parachute pants were in. 'Roseanne' and 'The Cosby Show' ruled the TV airwaves. Pooing was cool (and still is). The #1 song on Billboard's Hot 100 at the time of the Plop Lecture was "Bad Medicine" by Bon Jovi.

There ain't no doctor that can cure the disease of plopitis!

Happy Plop Day, everyone! And may the next 20 years be even ploppier!

* * * * *

Sunday, November 16, 2008 02:11 p.m.

25 new road photos and videos now waft!

OK, folks, I posted a set of 25 new Roads Scholaring items, which include 23 from my Delhi Township outing last week.

So weep and peep:

* * * * *

Friday, November 14, 2008 01:42 p.m. the toilet...makes me happy...

Last night I had a weird dream that someone clogged the toilet with a piece of chocolate candy.

Does this foreshadow Plop Day?

* * * * *

Thursday, November 13, 2008 05:46 p.m.


Hahaha, earlier on 'Judge Judy', a woman kept describing a dog defecating as "doing a poo"!

* * * * *

Tuesday, November 11, 2008 05:51 p.m.

Another stinky toilet story

I've just been told that a public restroom was all stinky. Someone went poopy on the floor, and it smelled like a dead body and stale urine in there.

* * * * *

Monday, November 10, 2008 07:22 p.m.

A Scholaring happened!

A Roads Scholaring hap!!!

Today I went way out on US 50 and out Hillside Avenue on the west side of Cincinnati and dragged the Peace Bike up Cleves-Warsaw Road!

I discovered the longest abandoned road I've ever found: Delhi Road from near the College of Mount St. Joseph down back to Hillside! It sure did come in handy!

Also, I stopped at the Wendy's in Queensgate on the way home, and noticed someone wiped a booger on the mirror in the restroom!

About 15 to 20 photos and videos loom.

* * * * *

Sunday, November 9, 2008 08:32 p.m.

Another TV bubbling!

Hahahahaha, Bart Simpson BUBBLED!

* * * * *

Tuesday, November 4, 2008 12:22 p.m.

I did my patriotic duty!

I did my patriotic duty this morning, in case you're wondering what I've been doing!

There's practically no turnout at all at the polls, which is damn suspicious.

* * * * *

Sunday, November 2, 2008 11:32 p.m.

I went to an Obama rally!

Obama came to Cincinnati tonight, and I went to his rally!

What a rally!

He's interesting to see in person, even though he was all the way at the other end of the venue where I could barely see him.

* * * * *

Sunday, October 26, 2008 01:45 p.m.

7 videos and a photo posted!

I posted those Roads Scholaring photos and videos from Wednesday!

The Eyewitness Cam takes videos with sound, thus representing the future of Roads Scholaring. In light of this fact, I made 7 videos and only one still photo on Wednesday when I went to the 'Nati.

So read 'em and peep:

* * * * *

Wednesday, October 22, 2008 04:37 p.m.

Disappointing Scholaring happens today

I goed Roads Scholaring today!

I planned on taking US 52 on the east side of Cincinnati, but I was extremely disappointed in the current condition of it. (The $5,000,000 reconstruction project still isn't finished after a year.)

Instead I did some downtown stuff and a little bit of Covington too.

I'll have about 8 photos and videos looming later.

* * * * *

Monday, October 20, 2008 03:39 p.m.

Cut a fart at Kroger...

I had jury duty today, but afterward I goed to Kroger.

And while I was in the soft drink aisle, some woman who was about 50 years old farted! It wasn't super-loud, but it was audible!

* * * * *

Saturday, October 18, 2008 05:06 p.m.

16 road photos and videos posted!

Hey poo people!

Last week's 2 Roads Scholarings yielded a grand total of 16 items.

These 3 are from the less impressive event on Monday:

But these 13 are from the far more exciting outing on Wednesday:

Read 'em and peep!

* * * * *

Wednesday, October 15, 2008 05:16 p.m.

2 Scholarings in 3 days!

There's no rule that says we can't go Roads Scholaring with the Peace Bike on a Monday and do it again on Wednesday.

So today I did exactly that - this time in Fort Thomas and Highland Heights!

About 10 or 12 photos and videos loom!

* * * * *

Monday, October 13, 2008 02:11 p.m.

52% of a Scholaring happened

When it was determined that I had a 52% chance of going Roads Scholaring today, I guess they meant it.

Today I had what amounted to about half of a Scholaring, if not less. There'll be a couple of rather unnoteworthy videos, but I'm going to wait before posting them.

* * * * *

Saturday, October 11, 2008 09:49 p.m.

Diarrhea misses target at Target

I've just been told that at a Target store, someone released diarrhea all over the restroom floor.

* * * * *

Wednesday, October 8, 2008 01:16 p.m.

About those 34 Wilder photos and videos...

They now waft!

Earlier, I posted those 30 photos and 4 videos I owed from last Thursday's Roads Scholaring event. Peep and weep:

* * * * *

Monday, October 6, 2008 03:52 p.m.


I goed to the Kenton County Public Library today!!!

Indeed I did.

After I left the libe, I ate at Subway, and while I was in there, a young woman walking across the street bubbled.

* * * * *

Thursday, October 2, 2008 08:43 p.m.

Talking booger uses magic word!!!


I just saw a Mucinex commersh in which a talking booger says, "You've ruined my beauty sleep!"

RUINED!!!!!!!!!! Hahaha!

* * * * *

Thursday, October 2, 2008 04:38 p.m.

I Scholared again!!!

Today I goed Roads Scholaring again! This time it was in Wilder!

I'll have maybe 30 photos and videos looming. But this outing will be known for another minor confrontation like the one on Holds Branch Road about a year ago. This time it was on St. Johns Lane and was quite similar.

Later I'll have a more detailed account of that on my revenue-causing populist blog, The Online Lunchpail:

* * * * *

Monday, September 29, 2008 12:25 p.m.

Judge Judy would be so mad!!!!!

I had jury duty this morn, but I didn't get picked for the jury itself.

However, during the jury selection, one of the potential jurors did something that would have absolutely infuriated Judge Judy!!! Can you guess what it was???

No, the potential juror didn't rip a bunker blast. Nor did she stand on the chairs and do an extended imitation of the Incredible Hulk.

Can you guess what she did???

If you can't guess, then you haven't been reading this blog for very long.

Yes, she bubbled! In court, no less!

Tsk, tsk. What is this world coming to when people bubble in court?

* * * * *

Friday, September 26, 2008 12:14 a.m.

6 new photos, 2 new videos posted!

Would you believe I posted 8 new Roads Scholarin' items related to the Blackout of '08 or to Ploptoberfest?

They're not much, but you can find 'em here:

* * * * *

Monday, September 22, 2008 12:46 a.m.

More Oktoberfest and a possible Jean Schmidt sighting!

I went to the Sunday portion of Ploptoberfest. The only ploppings I saw yesterday were those of an iced tea bottle and a beer cup.

The highlight though was a possible sighting of right-wing congresswoman Jean Schmidt. Schmidt (as you may recall) was the weirdo who gave that "cut and run" tirade attacking John Murtha a couple years ago. Jean Schmidt is from suburban Cincinnati, so that makes it all the more likely for her to appear at a Cincinnati event.

Anyway, I noticed that the person who I believe to be Jean Schmidt was accompanied by an individual (probably a close relative) wearing a Jean Schmidt campaign t-shirt. If the woman who I saw wasn't Jean Schmidt, she'd have to be one of her close relatives, because she looked exactly like her.

All this at a Ploptoberfest!

Also, a person bubbled.

* * * * *

Sunday, September 21, 2008 12:28 a.m.

Ploptoberfest in progress!

A Ploptoberfest is now in progress!

That's Cincinnati's version of Oktoberfest, people. I call it Ploptoberfest because stuff gets plopped (put in the toilet).

I just got home from Saturday's installment, and it lived up to the name I gave it! I saw so much vandalism in the port-a-poopers that Rumpke is probably going to fine the shit out of CCCDC for having to pay crews to come out to clean them. There was that much ploppage!

Early in the day, I noticed someone plopped a beer can.

Later, I saw a street barrier removed so a Rumpke truck could get onto one of the streets where a row of portable outhouses is. Then I saw the maintenance crew pull one of the outhouses away from where it stood. A maintenance man went inside it. He then emerged from it and got a long hook, which he poked into the outhouse from outside. He used the hook to extract a pair of jeans from the outhouse. The sopping wet pants appeared to have been in the toilet bowl. He then deposited the pants in a portable dumpster next to the outhouse. Then he sprayed the stall with a hose hooked up to the truck.

They're a hard-working crew, and Rumpke is probably going to fine CCCDC (or whoever's in charge of Ploptoberfest these days) big-time.

Later I noticed someone had stuck wet toilet paper all over the walls inside one of the port-a-johns. Inside another port-a-toilet, I noticed someone had ripped the hand sanitizer dispenser off the wall and thrown it in the toilet bowl. Inside yet another stall, I noticed someone had covered the walls with graffiti using spraypaint. (It appeared as if the graffiti was fresh enough to have been done at this event, not at an earlier event.)

So that's the restroom stuff for ya!

Also, I detected the scent of several bunker blasts throughout the day.

Furthermore, I saw 2 people who were in such a festive mood that they bubbled.

* * * * *

Tuesday, September 16, 2008 02:10 p.m.

Last week's road photos finally posted!

I would've posted these Sunday, but the energy company decided otherwise.

Eight days ago, I went Roads Scholaring in southwest central Cincinnati. This outing yielded 18 good photos and a nice video!

I've posted 'em all, so read 'em and peep...

* * * * *

Tuesday, September 16, 2008 11:42 a.m.

The Blackout of '08...and a bunker blast!

The big Cincinnati blackout knocked out my power for 36 hours, but it's back now!

Also, last night, I was at my mom's house, and someone ripped a silent but deadly bunker blast! It was uproarious!

* * * * *

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 01:34 p.m.

When celebrity look-alikes bubble!

Hahahahaha, today at the combination Subway/Burger King, I saw a Sarah Palin look-alike! And she bubbled!

Imagine how humiliating it must be to resemble the most bizarre vice-presidential candidate on a major party ticket in America's history.

* * * * *

Monday, September 8, 2008 06:40 p.m.

I Scholared again...oh-oh...

Today I went Roads Scholaring again in Cincinnati's Queensgate neighborhood. I was trying to retrace West 6th where the freeway replaced it.

This wasn't one of my most notable outings, but there'll be maybe about 15 photos and a video looming.

* * * * *

Sunday, September 7, 2008 03:45 p.m.

7 Scholaring photos now posted

In preparation for a looming Roads Scholaring, I posted 7 photos that I owed. These aren't particularly notable, but they do count in the mix.

These 4 are from the events of August 21 and 29:

These 3 are Riverfest-related:

* * * * *

Friday, September 5, 2008 01:01 p.m.

Right gum, right price!

After jury duty today, I goed to Kroger, and the cashier bubbled.

* * * * *

Tuesday, September 2, 2008 11:55 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #449 is here!

Issue #449 of The Last Word is now published, and it's our annual Back-to-School ish!

It'll be hard to top last year's 20-page Back-to-School extravaganza (which remains the thickest edition in The Last Word's 15-year history), but this one isn't too shabby.

So what sort of school-related topics does the latest installment cover? How about:

A summary of the harassing phone call that was traced to my old high school.

A hilarious account of soap and other goodies being put in the toilet bowl during a school outing.

The story of the time the word bank of a computer rhyming game got hacked in class.

A guffaw-inducing narrative about the many, many times folks farted in high school.

So lean over on one cheek and point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Sunday, August 31, 2008 11:21 p.m.

What a celebrity look-alike believes...

Rip-off-fest was today, and I walked down to the fireworks!

All sorts of mildly amusing stuff happened. I violated the Allowed Cloud against bringing liquids in by smuggling in a nearly-full Pepsi bottle in my pocket. Yes, I got a picture of this transgression - and other pictures too, which'll be in my next road photos set.

While I was on the floodwall watching the fireworks, I saw a Michael McDonald look-alike!

My Labor Day allergies were flaring up again, but as the airy vapors of Gatewood Galbraith's favorite herb wafted through the air, the symptoms were alleviated greatly.

Also, I saw 4 - count 'em, 4 - people bubbling. Among these was a young woman who blew a big purple bubble that burst and stuck to her nose. She spent the next minute or so peeling strands of gum off her skin. (We were due for one of these, weren't we?)

* * * * *

Sunday, August 31, 2008 01:19 a.m.

What? Another celebrity look-alike?

Last night I goed to a family wedding. On the way to the reception, I was walking towards the reception hall, and a John McEnroe look-alike was sighted. John McEnroe was an uproarious individual!

'Twas kinda funny!

* * * * *

Thursday, August 21, 2008 10:59 p.m.

Ride the Ducks...and bubble!

Ride the Ducks ought to be renamed to Ride the Ducks...and Bubble!

Earlier we goed there because some of my family members from out of town were here and wanted to see it. And while we were waiting for the ride in the amphibious vehicles, I saw 2 different people bubbling.

* * * * *

Wednesday, August 20, 2008 06:58 p.m.

Coney has it, Coney has it...Coney has another celeb look-alike

During last year's annual swimming outing at Sunlite Pool, a Toni Tennille look-alike was sighted! Today we had this year's outing, and I saw a Hulk Hogan look-alike!

It was hilarious!

* * * * *

Sunday, August 17, 2008 01:18 a.m.

50 Scholarin' photos and a video now posted!

I posted those 50 photos and a video from Tuesday! I had to divide them into 3 parts. So peep and weep:

* * * * *

Tuesday, August 12, 2008 07:23 p.m.

One of the longest Scholarings ever!

Today I did what was one of my longest Roads Scholarings with the Peace Bike ever!

It wasn't the most strenuous, because it was flatter (although I was furious at a hill appearing in the way on the way home). But it was damn long.

I made it all the way to Lockland! Yes, Lockland!

I'll have probably about 45 photos and even a video looming!

* * * * *

Tuesday, August 12, 2008 02:12 a.m.

Photos from last week's Kenton County Scholaring posted!

I've posted my photos and videos from last week's Rooooooooooads Scholaring in western Kenton County!

Read. Peep. Weep:

* * * * *

Sunday, August 10, 2008 09:18 p.m.

Even celebrities bubble

Valerie Bertinelli bubbled in a movie.

* * * * *

Saturday, August 9, 2008 01:04 a.m.

I goed to the Belv Vets Carnival!

Welp, I goed to the Bellevue Vets Carnival on Friday night!

I opted not to go Thursday, and I can't go on Saturday (because I'm going to be watching my mom's dog). But on Friday I goed!

Not much to report though. I did see a group of kids get in a fistfight. In an unrelated incident, I saw the cops ordering a group of teenagers to leave.

Also, some guy bubbled.

* * * * *

Thursday, August 7, 2008 08:02 p.m.

I Scholared today!

I goed Roads Scholaring today, and man, am I tired!

There have been some strenuous Roads Scholarings before, but this one has to take the grand prize! I mostly covered western Kenton County - from Fort Wright over to Crescent Springs and all the way out to Erlanger!

We might have 15 or 20 photos looming, and maybe a couple videos!

* * * * *

Friday, August 1, 2008 05:16 p.m.

Photos now posted!

My Road Scholaring photos of downtown Cincinnati the other day are now posted, so wipe that smirk off your face:

* * * * *

Tuesday, July 29, 2008 04:55 p.m.

Another Roads Scholaring today!

I Roads Scholared today in downtown Cincinnati!

One video and 13 still photos loom!

* * * * *

Sunday, July 27, 2008 04:37 p.m.'s!

Today at Wendy's, a person bubbled.

* * * * *

Saturday, July 26, 2008 01:24 p.m.

6 Roads Scholaring photos posted!

From the second of my 2 Scholaring outings this week, I've posted the 6 photos from around the abandoned basketball court. So read 'em and peep:

* * * * *

Thursday, July 24, 2008 01:16 p.m.

Yesterday's road pics posted already...and another Scholaring today!

I Scholared 2 days in a row!

And I've already posted the Scholarin' pics from yesterday! There's approximately 20, and there's a couple surprises in this set. This is with the new Eyewitness Cam, after all. So point your pooper here:

As for today, I Scholared in the area off the end of Edwards Street in Dayton, KY. I had just heard that there was an isolated area with an abandoned basketball court and an old building foundation, and I wanted to peep it before it went away. So I'll have 6 photos from today looming soon!

* * * * *

Wednesday, July 23, 2008 02:24 p.m.

More Roads Scholaring - and a celebrity look-alike!

I forgot to mention that yesterday, I had a doctor's apppointment for what appeared to be a minor ear infection. While I was in the waiting room, I saw a Dan Quayle look-alike!

Today, I goed Roads Scholaring! This was just another Dayton/Bellevue/Newport affair, but there might be some photos. I say there might be, because I'm just getting used to the Eyewitness Cam. And there could be some other surprises as well.

On 10th Street in Newport, I found part of a smashed Bangles CD (the band that did "Walk Like An Egyptian").

* * * * *

Monday, July 21, 2008 06:47 p.m.

Meet the Eyewitness Cam; 8 nighttime Action Cam photos posted

Like the pinnacle of populism that I am, one of my fave hobbies is something called Roads Scholaring - the practice of visiting and exploring roads just because they're roads. Now, in the digital era, photography is inexpensive, so now this pastime usually involves photographing roads or strange features.

The Action Cam has served me spiffily for 5 years. We all love the Action Cam. Recently the battery cover broke, but it'll still work if you have it taped up very, very tightly. (Wow! An electronic device from this decade that lasted 5 whole years! Better call Guinness!)

Now the Action Cam is being retired in favor of the Eyewitness Cam. Don't ask me how I procured the Eyewitness Cam. All I know is that it's here, and it's eager to get to work.

I guess the people weren't joking when they said they wanted me to keep taking Roads Scholaring photos. The Eyewitness Cam wants to serve you, so that it shall do.

In the meantime, I still owe the people 8 photos from the now-retired Action Cam. These photos followed our successful but haunting July 14 protest against the teen torture racket.

So check it out (like a library book):

* * * * *

Friday, July 18, 2008 12:00 a.m.

I'm 35, I can do what I want!

I'm 35, I can do what I want! I'm 35, I can do what I want! I'm 35, I can do what I want! I'm 35, I can do what I want! I'm 35, I can do what I want! I'm 35, I can do what I want! And yooouuuuuuuuuu can't!

* * * * *

Thursday, July 17, 2008 02:42 p.m.

Another plopping rumor

I just heard a rumor that there was a plopping in which an entire roll of toilet paper was unraveled into a johnnypot.

* * * * *

Tuesday, July 15, 2008 01:06 p.m.

8 nighttime Scholaring photos loom

I had another protest against Kids Helping Kids last night, whose details will soon be posted on The Online Lunchpail, my exciting populist blog:

After the event, my caravan of cohorts wanted to drive around a bit, and I showed them the former Spooky Hollow area and Cincinnati's secret bridge again. I actually got what amounts to 8 nighttime Roads Scholaring photos from this event, which I'll post sometime soon.

* * * * *

Friday, July 4, 2008 12:37 p.m.

Those 26 Scholarin' photos are now posted!

I know you're in a patriotic mood right now, so I've got those 26 road photos from Monday posted! Point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Monday, June 30, 2008 07:41 p.m.

I Scholared again!

Man, what a Scholaring!

I Scholared today in Covington!!! Man, I saw some weird things, and I'll probably have over 20 photos to prove it! These are by far the best road photos I've taken this month.

I also got caught in the rain 3 times. But oh well. Street View takes photos in good weather, so leave the bad to me!

To top it all off, on Michigan Avenue, I saw the scariest dog I've ever encountered! The large canine barked mightily, approached me, and barked more, and we stared each other down for 15 minutes.

Also, some guy driving around downtown Covington bubbled.

* * * * *

Sunday, June 29, 2008 12:53 a.m.

I saw a fight!

I just watched a fight from out my living room window! Man, it was a big fight!

It wasn't nearly as exciting as the Fourth of July fight in Covington a couple years back, but it was a fight nonetheless! Complete with fists and shoving!

* * * * *

Friday, June 27, 2008 01:22 p.m.

9 new Roads Scholarin' photos now posted!

I've posted those 9 photos from the last 2 Scholarings that I owed!

There's some decent ones, though it's not a huge set.

So point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Thursday, June 26, 2008 12:39 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #448 is here!

In the early '90s, one of the major TV newsmagazines did a whole segment attacking a man who was not a public figure or celebrity and probably posed no real threat to anybody. It was truly a Jump the Shark moment for that series.

I figure that if a respected national news program can squander a segment on something like that, I can get away with using The Last Word to expose what I've had to put up with from neighbors for the past 3 years.

Trust me. When you read about their crapola, you'll be overcome by alternate fits of uncontrollable laughter and seething anger. I wasn't going to write about them, but after what just happened this week, I finally reached my limit.

I've published The Last Word since 1993. Its newsletter format is a relic, but I still publish an occasional issue just to keep the tradition alive! So point your pooper here for ish #448:

* * * * *

Wednesday, June 25, 2008 03:13 p.m.

Another celeb look-alike!

I saw another hilarious celebrity look-alike today! When I went to the grocery earlier, I saw an Amy Winehouse look-alike!

* * * * *

Monday, June 23, 2008 01:02 p.m.

Least memorable Roads Scholaring ever!

This morn I did what was perhaps the least memorable Roads Scholaring ever!

I only went as far as Woodlawn. Woodlawn itself isn't unmemorable, but it's not as far as I'd like to go. I would have gone further east, except the sidewalk that was promised for Memorial Parkway still ain't built, and it was too hot and humid to keep going up hills. (The bike lane that was promised last year never was built. And trust me, on Memorial Parkway, you need either a bike lane or a sidewalk.)

Still, there'll be maybe 5 photos.

* * * * *

Wednesday, June 11, 2008 01:25 p.m.

Very minor Scholaring today!

It was so hot and humid today that I didn't want to bike all over town for 8 hours, but I did do a very, very, very minor Scholaring this morn.

This was limited to the Belv, and I only got 2 photos (which I'm going to wait until I have more to post). Nonetheless, one of 'em is gonna be another Allowed Cloud violatin'!

I'll have the details of my challenge against the Allowed Cloud in my exciting populist blog, The Online Lunchpail:

* * * * *

Sunday, June 8, 2008 11:30 p.m.

Vegemite is tasty!

Man, this stuff rules!

I've always wanted to try vegemite ever since Men At Work sang about it. A quarter-century later, I finally found some at Jungle Jim's yesterday!

This stuff tastes spectacular! It's salty, but it sure tastes great!!!

I toasted a slice of bread, and had vegemite and butter on it!

Why doesn't this Australian foodstuff catch on in America? It was so good I'm gonna go have some more!

Man, the stuff I've missed out on all these years...

* * * * *

Sunday, June 8, 2008 08:22 p.m.!

I just heard that someone bubbled in church!

Not just once, but twice!

* * * * *

Saturday, June 7, 2008 05:45 p.m.

Welcome to the Jungle Jim's...

Something very bizarre happened today.

Today we goed to Jungle Jim's (that gigantic supermarket north of Cincinnati). Now, while I was in there, they had various degrees of hot sauce laid out for customers to sample. They ranged from mild to hot to extremely hot to Inferno, as they called it.

I grabbed a chip and put a tiny, tiny, tiny drop of Inferno sauce on it. And I mean tiny. I devoured the chip.

The sauce started off merely spicy, but within a few seconds, I was rushing over to the soda machine. It was almost unbearable. I got a bottle of water from the machine and guzzled it.

This failed to alleviate the torture. I went looking for the bathroom so I could hold my mouth under the faucet and drink out of that until the feeling subsided. But I couldn't find the bathroom, so I just had to hyperventilate to deal with the pain.

After about 10 minutes of this, I continued shopping as the torment slowly went away. I didn't think it would get any worse (although my ears felt clogged after devouring the chip with the hot sauce).

But about 20 minutes later, the burn drifted down into my stomach. I knew trouble loomed. I remember feeling this way once before, and that was in the CPH gulag when they injected me with some drug when I first entered. A feeling of nausea and urgency grew, and I began trembling.

I couldn't stand, and I could barely speak. I had no strength whatsoever. I had to lay down on my back on the floor. I thought for sure I was going to pass out. And if not, I feared I may throw up. I felt barely conscious, and the woman at a sample table quickly brang over a cup of pear juice.

Apparently, pear juice breaks up the enzymes in the hot sauce, so they had a supply handy. A group of people gathered and repeatedly provided cups of the zesty liquid. I probably drank about a gallon of it before I even felt any better at all. It took all my strength even to stand back up, even after downing all that pear juice.

A woman who worked near the hot sauce samples said every customer is different. One customer had reportedly eaten a handful of chips slathered with Inferno sauce and showed no reaction. Another had passed out completely from just a drop of the sauce and couldn't be awakened even on the way to the hospital.

After I drank the pear juice and continued shopping, I still felt a little weak, but I figured I could go on. But when I got home, I collapsed in bed and laid on my back for hours. As with the CPH incident, I got severe diarrhea.

And that hot sauce is almost as hot coming out as it is going in!

So whatever you do, be careful around Inferno hot sauce.

The entire incident is reminiscent of the episode of 'The Simpsons' in which Homer went to a chili eating contest and swallowed that hot pepper.

Also, while we were at Jungle Jim's, some woman bubbled.

* * * * *

Wednesday, June 4, 2008 03:10 p.m.

25 new photos!!!

About those 25 photos from the Mill Creek valley from last week: They cracked a roo.

Just joking!

Actually they're posted now. So peep and weep:

* * * * *

Thursday, May 29, 2008 02:21 p.m.

Another Roads Scholaring???

Yes, another one today! I think this is the fourth one just this month!

I did the Mill Creek valley again, specializing in the Hopple Street and Western Hills viaducts - which I've mostly ignored until now. Let me warn you: The lower deck of the Western Hills ain't good for biking.

I'll have about 25 good road photos looming!

Also, on the way home, I saw the guy who once drank a beer he found in the trash during Oktoberfest.

* * * * *

Wednesday, May 28, 2008 09:23 p.m.

16 photos now posted!

You asked for 'em, and you got 'em!

Those 16 road photos I took last week are up now, and some of them are somewhat interesting.

So weep, peep, beep, and peep again:

* * * * *

Thursday, May 22, 2008 02:30 p.m.

I Scholared again...oh oh...

Today I did Scholar again! I was planning something bigger, but then I decided against it.

It turned out to be a somewhat interesting but not a huge Scholaring about northern Campbell County.

And yes, I believe I shall have 16 photos looming.

Also, last night at an important family gathering, someone wafted forth an SBD bunker blast!

* * * * *

Tuesday, May 20, 2008 11:35 p.m.

13 more photos bip their way to the surface!

Remember a week ago when I Scholared and disobeyed the "shoeless persons" Allowed Cloud?

Well, I still owed 13 photos from that event. So here they loom...

* * * * *

Tuesday, May 13, 2008 04:56 p.m.

Another Scholaring, and another Allowed Cloud violated!

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood and a neighborly day for a neighbor again, so I goed Roads Scholaring!

I did violate the "shoeless persons" ban on the Purple People Bridge, just as I've been threatening to do. Other than that, this wasn't one of the more memorable outings. I went out on US 50 in Lower Price Hill, but that's basically it.

Still, there'll be about 10 road photos looming!

Also, when I was heading home through Bellevue, a young woman driving up Fairfield Avenue bubbled.

* * * * *

Sunday, May 11, 2008 01:52 p.m.

Another 41 photos hover your way!

Those 41 road photos I took on my Campbell County Roads Scholaring over a week ago are now bipping in your direction!

And there's a hilarious one in there!

I had to divide them into 2 parts, so point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Saturday, May 3, 2008 05:35 p.m.

Yet another celeb look-alike report!

There have been a lot of celebrity look-alikes sighted in public lately. There's been Billy Idol, Ronnie Milsap, Popeye, and others! Now I've just been told that a Bill Cosby double was sighted!

Aah, celebrity look-alikes! In public!

* * * * *

Friday, May 2, 2008 09:23 p.m.!

Earlier at Eastgate Mall, a young woman bubbled.

* * * * *

Thursday, May 1, 2008 10:28 p.m.

The most difficult Scholaring ever?

I think today I had what was probably the most difficult Roads Scholaring ever. In the history of the world! And it was one of the longest of this type.

It was a Campbell County-based outing. And an Allowed Cloud from the days of helmet hair got violated! Here's a hint: Wokka wokka wokka!

That's right! I was on NKU's campus!

There'll be about 40 photos from this event looming your way!

Also, on the way back, on the Dayton floodwall, some guy farted really loud!

* * * * *

Wednesday, April 30, 2008 11:20 p.m.

A celeb look-alike who yam what he yam!

Earlier at Golden Corral, I saw a Popeye look-alike!

If you saw the guy from the side and noticed the way his mouth bulged when he chewed, he really did look like him!

* * * * *

Monday, April 28, 2008 09:47 p.m.

36 new photos up!

Those 36 photos from last week's Roads Scholaring jaunt about the west side of Cincinnati are now up!

There's actually a couple of 'em that are very, very good: The photos showing the overgrown part of Maryland Avenue and an isolated part of Mehring Way (with the Cincinnati Southern Bridge over it) are downright smashing!

So peep and weep:

* * * * *

Sunday, April 27, 2008 01:57 p.m.

Another celeb look-alike report

Somebody has just informed me that they saw a Will Ferrell look-alike at church.

Maybe I ought to start going to church again, because all these celebrity look-alikes sound so hilarious!

* * * * *

Tuesday, April 22, 2008 06:16 p.m.

Go west, old man...with the Peace Bike!

And that I did!

Today I had a Roads Scholaring outing that was far more satisfying than the previous two. I went all the way to Cheviot! I didn't even mean to, but I did!

I started with Price Hill and ended up on Harrison Road well past Cheviot, in fact. On a bike, no less! I goed all the way to Wesselman Road!

There's going to be probably about 30 exciting road photos looming from this trip!

* * * * *

Sunday, April 20, 2008 10:21 p.m.

Those 10 photos are up!

Let me be brief: Those 10 new road photos from northern Campbell County are up. So point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Thursday, April 17, 2008 11:52 p.m.

Oh no, Scoob! Another celeb look-alike!

Man, this is a funny celebrity look-alike!

I've just been told that some guy who looks just like Shaggy from the old Scooby-Doo cartoons was sighted at NKU! Supposedly, he even wore the same clothes!

* * * * *

Wednesday, April 16, 2008 08:27 p.m.

A celebrity look-alike I forgot to mention

One thing is for certain: If I see a celebrity look-alike, I mention it here, because it's so hilarious.

If you're a man who resembles a famous man, I mention it. If you're a woman who resembles a famous woman, I mention it. If you're a woman who resembles a famous man, I mention it. If you're a man who resembles a famous woman, I mention it.

Today, in the midst of the rather uneventful Scholaring, I stopped inside the combination Burger King/Subway in Bellevue, and there was some guy in there who looked like Al Gore!

* * * * *

Wednesday, April 16, 2008 03:14 p.m.

The Peace Bike looms again!

Today I goed Roads Scholaring again, this time on KY 8 past Dayton a little. I tried going further up Tower Hill Road, but it's too strenuous, and there's really just nowhere else to go once you get that far.

There'll be maybe 10 photos looming.

* * * * *

Tuesday, April 15, 2008 09:53 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #447 is here!

Well, it's been a couple months coming, but I spent almost all of yesterday and today compiling issue #447 of The Last Word! And it's a good 6-page ish!

There's 4 interesting articles peopling this ish. Read about:

A local school system's inaction against students who use knives to threaten other kids.

Failed efforts by the most pro-bullying school in the world to portray itself as an anti-bullying trailblazer.

A hilarious vacation in Huntington, West Virginia.

A proselytizing tract disguised as a stupid joke book.

So peep, weep, and oggle-beep:

* * * * *

Monday, April 14, 2008 05:36 p.m.

It's bubbling season, Charlie Brown!

Today I goed to SuperValu, and 2 people bubbled.

* * * * *

Saturday, April 12, 2008 12:04 a.m.

36 underwhelming Scholarin' photos posted!

I've posted my new road photos from earlier this week!

On average, these pictures aren't as exciting as some of the ones in previous sets, but still you have to read 'em and peep...

* * * * *

Monday, April 7, 2008 06:53 p.m.

Another exciting Roads Scholaring episode!

Actually today was one of the less notable Scholarings of the past few years. But it was a Scholaring nonetheless, and there will be maybe 25 photos from it.

I Scholared today in Covington, Ludlow, and Bromley. It got to be somewhat frustrating after a while, but oh well.

During the outing, I saw 2 hilarious celebrity look-alikes! I saw a Phil Collins look-alike in Covington, and later I saw a Ronnie Milsap look-alike in Ludlow.

* * * * *

Sunday, April 6, 2008 04:51 p.m.

About Roads Scholaring photos

They cracked a roo.

Just joking! Actually, I've got those 12 photos from last week's Roads Scholaring looming poot-like over the snow-caked plains for you to ogle. So point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Monday, March 31, 2008 05:15 p.m.

It's the Cincinnati Reds playin' basteball again!

It was Opening Day again, so I goed down to Cincinnati to watch the parade! (In the rain, of course!)

And this event doubled as a nifty opportunity to do some Roads Scholaring! Not that great of an opportunity though, because it poured down rain almost the entire day, but I Scholared nonetheless! The result is that there's gonna be 12 Scholarin' photos looming!

But nobody bubbled.

* * * * *

Sunday, March 23, 2008 01:17 a.m.

More flatulence fun!

On Saturday night, I goed to an important family gathering, and guess what happened?

On approximately 3 occasions, someone cracked a silent but deadly bunker blast! It nearly cleared the living room, it was so powerful!

'Twas kinda uproarious!

* * * * *

Thursday, March 20, 2008 01:53 p.m.

Behold! 45 new Roads Scholarin' pics!

I posted my 45 new road photos from Cincinnati and Covington from last Thursday. So read 'em and poop:

But nobody bubbled!

* * * * *

Saturday, March 15, 2008 12:47 p.m.

Protest...a protest...

I goed to another protest against the Kids Helping Kids cult last night!

It wasn't a particularly eventful protest, but oh my, was it ever successful!

I plan to post details about it today on The Online Lunchpail, my exciting populist blog, which you can find at:

* * * * *

Thursday, March 13, 2008 04:42 p.m.

It's Scholaring season! (finally!)

I think now we can officially say that it's...Roads Scholaring season!

(Also known as bubbling season.)

So guess what I did today?

I Scholared!

I went all around Cincinnati over to the 8th Street Viaduct area and then over to Covington. I discovered some sad news about the secret bridge.

But if we're really lucky, there might be close to 40 Scholaring photos looming for you to peep and weep at!

* * * * *

Wednesday, March 5, 2008 03:11 p.m.

34 Roads Scholarin' photos now waft!

I finally posted those 34 photos from last week's Ice Bowl of Roads Scholaring!

So peep and weep:

* * * * *

Saturday, March 1, 2008 10:59 a.m.

Another protest and a celeb look-alike!

Last night I goed to another protest against the right-wing cult in Milford!

All in all, it was a smashing success, and I'll have details on The Online Lunchpail (my exciting populist blog) soon at:

(I haven't posted it yet, but I'll post it soon.)

Also, later we went to some coffeeshop or deli or something where we saw some guy who looked just like Billy Idol! I mean, he looked just like him!

* * * * *

Monday, February 25, 2008 05:48 p.m.

The Ice Bowl of Roads Scholaring!

Guess what I did today?

You know, when they say it's gonna be 50 F and sunny, I have a right to trust them. But no. Instead it was 30 and overcast. And once I realized it wasn't getting any better, I was quite a few miles from home.

In any event, I did take the Peace Bike Roads Scholaring today! I did a good part of central Cincinnati, from Mount Adams, through downtown, and over into Queensgate! There'll be about 30 photos looming like a pooteroony!

I cut the event short because it kept getting colder, and the ice on the roads and paths wouldn't melt. But this has been the best weather we've had all month, so it had to do!

This was truly the Ice Bowl of Roads Scholaring!

* * * * *

Friday, February 22, 2008 11:18 p.m.

Pooing is cool

Indeed it is.

* * * * *

Monday, February 4, 2008 06:10 p.m.

Volume 17 of The Last Word! Own it now on DVD!

Just joking about the DVD part, but anyway, who would've ever thought you'd see "Vol. 17/No. 1" at the top of an issue of The Last Word? And who would have ever thought it would outlive the Cincinnati Post?

It seems like The Last Word always has a January slump with a dearth of ishes, but it's back in the swing of things with the start of volume 17! How it got to be 17 when it beginned in 1993 can be explained by the fact that 1996 is split into 2 volumes by the PEST hiatus. (Clinton was a DLCer.)

When The Last Word put out its first issue, the Internet was almost unknown outside of a few scientists and highly computer-literate college students. (It was a typewritten publication then.) 'Roseanne' and 'The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air' were some of the most popular sitcoms in the land. And the #1 song on Billboard's Hot 100 chart the week of our first issue was "Informer" by Snow.

After yesterday's small Super Bowl boycott gathering (yes, I really did go to a boycott gathering yesterday evening), I returned home and assembled ish #446 of The Last Word! The latest edition talks about a lawsuit against a local school system by students who were harassed. It also discusses how the worst high school in the world so laughably expects its number of students to double!

It's news you can use, and you can read it and peep right here:

* * * * *

Saturday, February 2, 2008 07:44 p.m.

A hunk-a hunk-a burnin' baste...

And now they're playing "A hunk-a hunk-a burnin' baste"!

This is hilarious!

* * * * *

Saturday, February 2, 2008 07:32 p.m.

Stop hey, what's that sound, everybody's blowin' a bubble!


They're playing "Stop hey, what's that sound, everybody's blowin' a bubble" on the radio!!!

* * * * *

Saturday, February 2, 2008 07:17 p.m.

Those 40 photos are done loomin'!

They loomed.

They wafted.

They hovered.

And now those 40 Roads Scholaring photos from Monday are up! As you know, these are the ones I took from Dayton, Bellevue, Newport, and Wilder!

On this outing, I found Northern Kentucky's answer to the secret bridge, so that's a real treat in store for you!

So point your pooper here at this 2-part set:

* * * * *

Monday, January 28, 2008 05:07 p.m.

Roads Scholaring loomed!

Guess what loomed today?

Or is it really looming if it already happened?

I goed Roads Scholaring! This time I took the Peace Bike all over Dayton, Bellevue, Newport, and Wilder and still managed to make it home in time for my hilarious court shows!

Also there'll be about 40 Roads Scholarin' photos that really do loom, as they haven't been posted yet!

Furthermore, when I stopped at the UDF food mart in Wilder to get some vittles and use the johnnypot, I noticed someone wrote "Fuck off UDF" on the door inside the restroom.

* * * * *

Saturday, January 26, 2008 03:35 p.m.

Someone farted at Super Valu!

Today I goed to Super Valu, and guess what happened?

I was in the big wide aisle with the bread, standing right by the salad dressing and mayonnaise, when guess what I heard?


The sound was unmistakable! Why, it was a bunker blast!

No other shoppers were close enough to me to indict them for this loominsky, so the case of who cut the cheese remains unsolved.

* * * * *

Thursday, January 24, 2008 01:06 p.m.

Celebrity look-alikes: America's greatest natural resource!

I've just been informed about yet another celebrity look-alike!

According to legend, some woman who looks exactly like John Goodman was sighted yesterday at Kroger!

If that's not a celeb look-alike, what is?

* * * * *

Saturday, January 19, 2008 01:03 p.m.

Ah! Another protest!

Last night I goed to another protest against the right-wing cult in Milford. Seriously, I did, despite the bitter cold. It was a 4-jacket and thermal underwear event in the extreme!

We only got 3 people together, but the real victory is the discovery that this cult is clearly on the run. I can't go into detail about it, because there's some things we're still not sure of - but suffice it to say, there's been at least some impact on their business.

I stayed out until 6 AM, because afterwards we drove around Cincinnati. I showed the other protesters how to find the secret bridge that runs under the Waldvogel Viaduct! We actually drove on it at 3:30 AM!

* * * * *

Thursday, January 17, 2008 01:10 p.m.

Another celeb look-alike rumor!

I didn't even know who Jack Black was until now, when someone informed me they saw a Jack Black look-alike at a restaurant. But Jack Black has a pretty big Wikipedia article, so he must be mighty important!

* * * * *

Saturday, January 12, 2008 08:27 p.m.

25 new road photos now loom!

I meant to post this notice a couple days ago, but anyway...

I've posted 25 photos from Monday's Roads Scholaring outing in Newport and southeastern Covington!

So read 'em and peep...

* * * * *

Monday, January 7, 2008 05:48 p.m.

I Scholar!

You know what I do, when I'm not working on The Online Lunchpail?

I Scholar! That's what!

Today I Roads Scholared again (because we had usable weather for a change)! This time I Scholared a little in Newport and out into Latonia (especially the east side of Latonia that I've ignored my whole lifetime). The hulking velocipde enjoyed this jolly jaunt!

Sooner or later, I'll have maybe 20 or 25 Roads Scholarin' photos up!

* * * * *

Tuesday, January 1, 2008 10:20 p.m.

Another poot looms!

Today I went to another important family gathering, and guess what? A couple more bunker blasts were detected!

* * * * *

Tuesday, January 1, 2008 12:11 a.m.

The first fart story of 2008!

The year is only 11 minutes old, but already I've received a hilarious fart story!

I've just been told that a horrible smelling bunker blast was detected at a grocery store. It began near the entree section section of the store and wafted into the deli section!

Only minutes later, another pooteroony odor was detected at the movie section!


* * * * *

Friday, December 28, 2007 11:57 a.m.

A pencil got plopped too!

I heard a rumor that, in addition to the yellow crayon, a broken pencil got plopped!

Things sure have been ploppy lately!

* * * * *

Wednesday, December 26, 2007 05:02 p.m.

More flatulence and dog pee humor

Yesterday at an important family gathering for Christmas, someone loomed an SBD pooteroony! The stench of the wafto cleared the room within seconds.

Later, at my aunt's house, my mom's dog peed all over the carpet.

* * * * *

Monday, December 24, 2007 11:24 p.m.

Silent (but deadly) night (again)...

This evening at an important family gathering for Christmas Eve, several bunker blasts were detected. The stink of the wafteroos loomed through the air, to the amusement of all!

* * * * *

Thursday, December 20, 2007 02:18 p.m.

The plopping of a crayon

I just heard a rumor that someone plopped a yellow crayon (which ruined the toilet).

* * * * *

Tuesday, December 18, 2007 06:27 p.m.

A plopping...a plopping...

(Sung to the tune of that "Traveling...a' traveling..." song they made us sing in 8th grade music class.)

I just heard a funny rumor that a whole roll of toilet paper got plopped somewhere today and promptly peed on!

* * * * *

Monday, December 17, 2007 05:48 p.m.

Yet another hilarious celebrity look-alike in a commersh!

Wow, we're on a roll, aren't we?!

Today I saw a commercial for some dental practice that makes dentures, and it showed some guy who looks just like Kenny Rogers! It only showed him for about 5 seconds though.

* * * * *

Thursday, December 13, 2007 04:41 p.m.

A hilarious celebrity look-alike in a commersh!

I just saw a commersh for HealthMarkets that had some guy who looks and talks just like George Bush! (Mad Dog, not Dumpya.)

Man, this is hilarious!

It's the commersh that has 3 people eating together at a diner-type restaurant.

* * * * *

Tuesday, December 11, 2007 02:02 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #445 is here!

Now that I've got the ish numbering controversy cleared up, The Last Word has just put out issue #445!

This 4-page ish kicks off with a report on efforts by the city of Bellevue, Kentucky, to drive out working-class residents by paying building owners to convert apartments into single-family houses. This edition also features a travelogue of a totally boffo fact-finding mission in Quincy, Illinois (which I've had on the backburner all year).

You're gonna read it, and you're gonna peep! How shall you accomplish this? By pointing your pooper here:

* * * * *

Saturday, December 1, 2007 01:38 p.m.

A protest happened!

I was invited to a public protest that took place yesterday!

If I said what this was about, a lot of you would interrogate me about why I went, but hey, look, I was invited. There were some counterprotesters, but our side outnumbered them by about 10 to 5.

(For the record, I was one of the people protesting against the organization in question. I know the other side that crashed our protest impeded on the territory we had staked out.)

The other side engaged in a dirty trick to try to get us forced out of the area, but it backfired on them, and funnily so.

* * * * *

Monday, November 26, 2007 10:45 p.m.

Pooing is cool

Indeed it is.

* * * * *

Sunday, November 18, 2007 01:20 a.m.

It's Plop Day, Charlie Brown!

Hey, you know what?

Today is Plop Day! Nineteen years ago today was the celebrated Plop Lecture that completely altered the time-space continuum.

The whole next year is gonna be one big party until we get to the 20th anniversary of that spectacular event!

So be ploppy, everyone!

* * * * *

Tuesday, November 13, 2007 01:51 a.m.

A much-needed update to my On The Road Again feech!

Pooing is cool.

And so is my long-running On The Road Again feature! I've finally updated with trip #54, which was last month's outing to the South.

So point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Monday, November 12, 2007 09:26 p.m.

More boredom!

Man, things have been boring lately!

Bert's friend lost the election, but that's about the most exciting thing that's happened lately.

* * * * *

Tuesday, November 6, 2007 01:45 p.m.

I did my patriotic duty!

You know a lot of stuff on this blog is meant to be silly or satirical. Like all the "Today a person bubbled" stuff. Even though this only appears when a person does in fact bubble, it's not meant to be taken too seriously.

But one thing I am serious about is elections. And today I voted! (And I didn't vote for Bert's friend!)

Four years ago I tried doing a play-by-play here on this blog before making the roads garbagey, but today - barring some unforeseen circumstance - I'm going to attempt to do a detailed blogging over at The Online Lunchpail:

If you like politics, I'll see ya there!

* * * * *

Saturday, November 3, 2007 02:28 a.m.

Four four four...the number of the beast...

That's right, peoplefaces! Ish #444 of The Last Word is already a reality. I had to get it out quickly before the upcoming election!

The first article is about Kentucky's election, which I think is going to have some pretty uproarious results. The second article is about the city of Covington's war against the homeless, in which city officials actually admit to writing new zoning rules designed to ban homeless shelters. (Covington isn't exactly a model of progress these days. The city's use of the War on Drugs as an excuse for its forced closure of pay phones run by companies that competed against the main local phone company is proof of that.)

So - if I may conjure a phrase from the days of helmet hair - point your browser here:

* * * * *

Sunday, October 28, 2007 10:50 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #433 is here!

The Last Word is perhaps my signature accomplishment. This newsletter, a mainstay of left-leaning populism in northern Kentucky, was founded in 1993, and in 1996 it first appeared on the World Wide Web. At 433 issues, it's still going strong!

I just put out my latest ish, and it has a couple interesting articles. First there's an article about a school that's actually abolishing - yes, abolishing - its mandatory uniform policy, after uniforms led to worse discipline. At the end, there's an article about a proposed sales tax increase in the Cincinnati area to pay for a stupid-ass jail, of all things!

So point your bunker here:

* * * * *

Sunday, October 28, 2007 09:21 p.m.

Memory card falls apart; refund looms

You know that memory card I ordered in July? Yes, the one I used despite all the problems I was having with it. Well, after I fixed that problem, now there's an even bigger problem: That memory card just fell apart when I tried to put it back in the camera.

So now it goes back to PC Universe (the Amazon seller I got it from) for a refund.

Luckily, I still have the new memory card that arrived the other day.

* * * * *

Sunday, October 28, 2007 02:36 p.m.

More boredom

Damn, things are boring!

The Belv had its trick-or-treating today, which is boring. There wasn't even any mischief like there should be!

Also, a young woman who was taking her kids trick-or-treating bubbled.

* * * * *

Saturday, October 27, 2007 06:10 p.m.

Ah! A new road! Ew!

Welp, I've finally posted those 7 new pics from the Roads Scholaring event a few weeks ago. These were from Covington and that brand-bippin' new road in Fort Wright! So point your pooper here:

Also, for all the naysayers who doubt that HP actually claimed the memory cards I kept buying were defective, I've got proof here:

Check that page for every use of the phrase "Unsupported Image File", and note that it does blame the memory card - not the lack of updated firmware on the camera.

* * * * *

Thursday, October 25, 2007 08:45 p.m.

HP tries to pull a fast one...and succeeds

I don't like being made a fool of, but this just about takes the cake.

As you know, I've had my digital camera for over 4 years. I know this model of camera has been around at least 5 years. And, as you know, the manual for it claims that the problems I've been having with scrambled photos are the fault of the memory card. Numerous other experts say the same, probably because the manual brainwashed them into thinking this.

So yesterday I ordered a replacement memory card, which'll probably arrive tomorrow.

Well, today - as a registered HP customer - I received news that new firmware has been released for my camera. The purported aim of this update is to fix the very problem I've been having with the memory cards. So I downloaded it.

And guess what? It fixed the problem! (I still have the first "defective" card that I can't return.) I thought I had fixed it once before, but this time it's stayed fixed, because I tested it much more extensively.

In other words, HP waited until the day after I ordered my memory card to come out with firmware that fixes the problem - a problem that's been in existence for at least 5 years.

Is that just the cat's meow or what?

So apparently I've fixed the problem, but now I'm stuck with more memory cards than I probably need. Well, unless I want to take 5,000 pictures or something. (Who knows??? Maybe I will - just to show up HP!)

I must have the strangest luck for my camera to not have an update for 5 years - until the day after I've spent another $19 trying to fix it all because HP wrongly blamed the memory card.

* * * * *

Wednesday, October 24, 2007 02:02 p.m.

Package confirmed stolen

Remember a couple weeks ago when HP shipped me that memory card that was defective (just like the one I've been using and can't return because I got it from an Amazon third-party seller)? (And yes, the memory card was defective, according to numerous websites where people say they've had the same problem.) Well, I called HP's customer service back then and they said they'd have FedEx pick up the defective card the following morning, then ship a replacement.

Well, that morning came and it wasn't picked up. But it appeared to have been picked up around 5:30 PM. I'd hardly classify 5:30 PM as being in the morning, but anyway...

The replacement never did arrive. So today I called HP customer service again. The guy said they never would have had FedEx pick up such a small item, because it wouldn't have been worth the expense. Furthermore, he said a glitch failed to process the shipment of the replacement. The order was still in their system, but it hadn't been placed with FedEx yet.

Now, the big question: What happened to the package with the memory card that I put out for FedEx to take? According to the customer service guy, FedEx never took it, because HP never had them take it. So obviously somebody (not just me) is going around with a defective memory card in their camera now. They're going to be in for a disappointment when they try getting their photos off their camera!

* * * * *

Saturday, October 20, 2007 02:23 p.m.

Birmingham! New Orleans! Memphis! It's a great place to start!

Earlier I posted 93 - count 'em, 93 - photos of my recent trip to the Southern U.S.!

I divided them into 4 amazing parts, so read 'em and peep:

A few photos from my recent Roads Scholaring in Covington and Fort Wright still loom!

* * * * *

Monday, October 15, 2007 11:09 a.m.

A shirt got ru!

I just heard a rumor that a shirt got RUINED by juice getting spilled on it!

* * * * *

Friday, October 12, 2007 05:25 p.m.

Today I goed Roads Scholaring!

Today I goed Roads Scholaring over in Covington and out onto that new road in Fort Wright!

So there'll be a few pics from that (once I get my Mid-South photos posted).

Celebrity look-alike of the day: On the way home through Newport, I saw a Kenny Rogers look-alike walking across the street!

* * * * *

Thursday, October 11, 2007 04:42 p.m.

HP or FedEx lies about picking up package

Yesterday when I called HP about having the replacement for their defective memory card sent to me, they told me they would pick up the defective one and ship a new one this morning.

In fact, on the online order receipt for it, it says that it ships "Next Business Morning."

Well, either FedEx or HP lied about this, because the package with the defective card is still sitting out there waiting to be picked up. And I need the new memory card right now.

So I'm held up again because of some corporation's incompetence - for one, due to the product being defective, and for another, due to FedEx not arriving to pick up the defective memory card and bring the new one.

* * * * *

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 01:48 p.m.

HP sends defective memory card

Well, last Saturday when I got home, I ordered a replacement memory card for my camera. Today it got delivered, and (surprise, surprise) it's defective.

So that's another memory card I'm sending back to whence it came. (I already called customer service and had them send a replacement.)

Also, there was another ruining in a TV show a couple weeks ago. I was setting my VCR to tape something, and Channel 19 had some cartoon on. In the show, a book got ru when some monster or something walked on it. Then the kid in the show said, "Look what you did to my new book! It's totally ruined!"

RUINED!!! Hahahahahaha!

* * * * *

Saturday, October 6, 2007 07:08 p.m.

I'm home, I'm home, I'm home!

I just got home from my trip!!!

I went to Birmingham, New Orleans, and Memphis! I'll have some Roads Scholarin' photos comin' up soon, of course!

This trip made it up to a medium mischief rating when half a bottle of Mountain Dew got spilled down inside a TV set at a Super 8. Also, the cashier at a Wendy's drive-up window spilled an entire Coke onto the interior of the car.

At this one really right-wing mall in Memphis, some guy bubbled.

* * * * *

Tuesday, October 2, 2007 12:00 p.m.

Another road trip looms!

For the rest of the week, I'm going to be out of town again - this time in Alabama, Mississippi, or maybe eastern Arkansas.

I had to warn you in advance, in case you wonder why there's no more entries here for the rest of the week.

* * * * *

Sunday, September 23, 2007 09:25 p.m.

Another funny bunker blast

Today at an important family gathering, someone cracked an SBD roo.

* * * * *

Sunday, September 23, 2007 12:54 a.m.

I goed to Ploptoberfest!

I goed to Oktoberfest (or Ploptoberfest, as I call it) on Saturday! (I won't be able to go on Sunday because I have something else I need to do.)

Ploptoberfest turned out to be somewhat of a bore, as it usually is. However, the guy who drank the beer out of the trash can a couple years back did make a brief appearance late in the day.

And Ploptoberfest did live up to its ploppy name. Once when I was waiting in line to use the portable restroom, the guy leaving the restroom warned, "Don't go in there! Someone shit all over the place!" Later, I noticed someone plopped one of those slick brochures listing downtown businesses squarely into a toilet bowl in one of the portable outhouses.

Also, I did see 3 people who were in a festive enough mood that they bubbled.

* * * * *

Thursday, September 20, 2007 01:36 p.m.

On the road again...goin' places that I've never been...

Seein' things I'll never see again!

'Cause I ruined 'em the first time I was there!

Anyhoo, I just updated my On The Road Again page to include my August trip to Nashville to see Scandal in concert:

Also, today I just heard a rumor that a trip to the Deep South may loom sometime in the near future. But that's dependent on many factors, so don't get your hopes up.

* * * * *

Thursday, September 20, 2007 11:50 a.m.

My website has moved!

After 11 years on the same dialup ISP, I've moved my website to a brand-new place!

The problem is, my new high-speed ISP does not provide free space for webpages. It just doesn't. I have no control over this fact. So I had to move it to an outside host (which requires its own domain name).

So now you can find my website at:

Now that cost all of $3.95 costly dollars, didn't it?

I know I'm gonna catch hell from some quarters for putting my site on an outside host, but there's some aspects of this situation I have absolutely no control over. So I shan't argue about it.

* * * * *

Thursday, September 13, 2007 04:22 p.m.

10 new photos of Newport up!

Remember the teethcoster a couple weeks ago during which I Roads Scholared?

Welp, I finally got my 10 new pictures of Newport posted! (I was waiting until my high-speed account came up to post them.) And by golly, you're gonna read 'em and peep!

So point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Thursday, September 13, 2007 02:18 p.m.

Why today doesn't stink

Because I got high-speed Internet, that's why!

Does that pib or what???

* * * * *

Wednesday, September 12, 2007 05:12 p.m.

Forgotten celebrity look-alike

Someone told me they saw a celebrity look-alike at the store, but I forget who it was now.

Also, my high-speed Internet is supposed to come on tomorrow night, so won't that pib?

* * * * *

Monday, September 10, 2007 08:04 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #442 is here!

I know the 20-page ish of The Last Word from last month is hard to plop, I mean top, so this one is only a regular 4-pager.

Anyway, this ish talks about Brossart's calculator scam and the latest bit of Ernie Fletcher law-disobeying.

So point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Sunday, September 2, 2007 11:42 p.m.

I goed to Rip-off-fest again!

I just got back from Rip-off-fest!

Nothing much went on, because the Far Right stole our wall by building a new condo building for the very rich right in front of it. But we stood along Fairfield Avenue, and a big puff of vapor from Gatewood Galbraith's favorite herb wafted my way and cleared up an allergy attack I was having!

* * * * *

Sunday, September 2, 2007 02:21 a.m.

Another big teethcoster just ended!

There's been a big teethcoster going on since Wednesday. I strongly suspect someone (ahem) complained about the most recent Last Word and got my backbone provider to cut off my access for several days, but I'm not sure.

Also, I went Roads Scholaring in Newport on Friday, and there shall be 10 spang-new Roads Scholaring photos looming in the very near future!

* * * * *

Sunday, August 26, 2007 09:49 p.m.

Another celebrity look-alike rumor!

I just heard a rumor that an Ed Asner look-alike was sighted at a swimming pool!

* * * * *

Thursday, August 23, 2007 11:55 p.m.

Introducing The Online Lunchpail!

This week I came up with a brilliant idea: a full-time political blog to be updated daily! Kind of like Daily Kos, only with me running it. This will be something much bigger than the popular Conservative Fool Of The Day project that Log-City killed off.

All week I've been experimenting, and now I think I'm ready to unveil it!

So now...introducing the one and only...Online Lunchpail! There's never been anything else quite like it, and I think it has potential to be something huge.

For this magnificent new blog, point your bunker here:

* * * * *

Wednesday, August 22, 2007 08:07 p.m.

Coney has it, Coney has it...Coney even has celebrity look-alikes!

Today we goed to Sunlite Pool because the weather bipped so spectacularly.

And we saw a hilarious celebrity look-alike! There was some woman there who looked just like Toni Tennille! It was FUNNY!!!

Also, people kept watching the giant temperature readout all day to see if it would reach 100, and when it did, a huge peal of cheering went up from the crowd in the pool!

* * * * *

Tuesday, August 21, 2007 12:12 p.m.

Have no fear, 22 new pics are here!

I posted 22 brand spang-new Roads Scholarin' photos from my trip to Nashville the other day! Man, do they ever rule!

So point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Saturday, August 18, 2007 09:19 p.m.

Scandal comes to Nashville!

Today I got back from a bonus road trip to Nashville in which I saw the electrifying Scandal in concert!

Man, they rule!

People got up and got down! And I got a few road photos during this trip.

But nobody bubbled.

* * * * *

Thursday, August 16, 2007 07:10 p.m.

A Last Word record is shattered!

Guess what! Ish #441 is here, and it's a record breaker!!!

This is our special back-to-school ish, and it's a biggie! In fact, it's the biggest issue ever in the entire history of The Last Word! If printed out, this ish would be 20 pages, smashing the all-time record of 18 pages set way back in September 1995 (which was also a back-to-school ish)!

In our latest ish, the Brossart thought police gets pretty much blistered to hell and back, especially for its Orwellian new spy cam program.

So read it and peep:

* * * * *

Tuesday, August 14, 2007 09:40 p.m.

Everyone deserves a good meal, even Mr. Hooper

Earlier at Golden Corral, I saw a hilarious celebrity look-alike!

Remember that guy on 'Sesame Street' named Mr. Hooper? He was the elderly storekeeper whose name was often mispronounced by Big Bird.

Anyway, earlier I saw a Mr. Hooper look-alike at Golden Corral! I mean, he looked exactly like him! He wore his glasses down low on his nose and everything!

Also, a person reportedly spit out a whole bunch of fruit cocktail onto the sidewalk outside the restaurant.

* * * * *

Saturday, August 11, 2007 11:44 p.m.

More carnival!

I went to the Bellevue Vets Carnival yet again tonight. Almost nothing of interest happened.

One minor amusement: From a distance, it looked like the cops were going after someone for using a fake ID to buy beer, but I don't know if that's really what happened.

But nobody bubbled.

* * * * *

Friday, August 10, 2007 11:52 p.m.

Another Belv Vets Carnival!

Tonight I goed to the Bellevue Vets Carnival - even though they already had one this year in May.

The one tonight was much better than the one in May, but still there's no exciting fights or ploppings to report.

I did see a celebrity look-alike. This time it was Bob Seger!

Also, out of the corner of my eye, I did see a person bubbling.

* * * * *

Wednesday, August 8, 2007 09:06 p.m.

Heat alert, heat alert, heat alert!

I've been staying at a family member's house the past couple days because of the heat. This is rather unfortunate, because I have work to do at home.

Despite having rained on 5 of the past 6 days, the temperature has still gotten up to 100!

This is unfortunate because it's going to delay the next Last Word a little bit. The next ish is going to contain what is probably the most blistering article ever written about Brossart, so keep your eyes peeled!

* * * * *

Tuesday, July 31, 2007 09:50 p.m.

Yes! Ish #440 is here!

Ish #440 of The Last Word is now looming above your bulbous noggin!

This ish is a 4-pager featuring a couple of important articles: an expose on right-wing infiltration of Wikipedia, and a report on airline industry greed.

So read it and peep:

* * * * *

Saturday, July 28, 2007 11:58 a.m.

Colin Hay is cool!

Remember Colin Hay, the Men At Work lead singer?

Last night we went to see him in concert up in Kettering! I was so amazed that Colin Hay would do a concert this close to Cincinnati, because I had to go all the way to Toronto to see him back in 2004!

The concert was great!!! People got up and got down (especially during "Down Under")!!!!!

We were damn lucky, because the heavy rains ended right about at the very moment the concert began. (It was an outdoor venue.)

At the end of the concert, I buyed Colin Hay's latest CD and got him to autograph it!

Also, a person bubbled at the concert. (I knew you'd ask about that.)

Another important piece of news: I now have a memory card for my camera! Last week I ordered it online, and now it's arrived. Actually, this is the second one I ordered. The previous week, I ordered a different kind of memory card from one of Amazon's "authorized sellers", and it didn't even work!!! This despite the fact that the seller claimed that it worked with every model of PhotoSmart camera. That turned out to be a load of shit, didn't it? So $30 got flushed down the beethoom for that. At least now I'll have it in case I ever buy a camera that uses that type of memory card.

Apparently the new memory card holds several thousand photos, but I haven't tested that limit yet.

* * * * *

Tuesday, July 24, 2007 10:11 p.m.

Meet the neighborhood cat!

The neighborhood has its own cat!

Because most people around here live in an apartment, they're not allowed to get a cat. (Ooh, an Allowed Cloud!) But now there's a neighborhood kitty-cat to fill this gaping void!

Peep this photo:

That's the neighborhood cat!

This furry friend of ours keeps strolling about the block. I think the cat is based behind a nearby apartment building, but keeps showing up on the front porch of my building. There the cat is often seen sleeping or stockpiling food.

That's a lovable cat! This critter has made a deep impression on yours truly!

Also, I've updated my On The Road Again page with a blurb about my recent trip to Huntington, WV. So point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Friday, July 20, 2007 03:25 p.m.

70 new road photos now waft!

I just posted 70 road photos from my Huntington trip!

Why so many? Because people demand it! The road photo site is more popular than at any time in the history of the universe, so I'm just satisfying the public's wants.

To view this 6-part set of photos, point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Wednesday, July 18, 2007 12:00 a.m.

I'm 34, I can do what I want!

I'm 34, I can do what I want! I'm 34, I can do what I want! I'm 34, I can do what I want! I'm 34, I can do what I want! I'm 34, I can do what I want! I'm 34, I can do what I want! And yooouuuuuuuuuu can't!

* * * * *

Tuesday, July 17, 2007 09:05 p.m.

Celebrity look-alikes are funny

Isn't it funny when you see a celebrity look-alike?

From Andy Rooney to Florence Henderson, all the ones I've seen were a laugh-out-loud barrel of laughs! Even the Lou Reed look-alike who kept turning up at Gateway was funny.

I've just been told that a Ricky Martin look-alike was sighted at a restaurant! That's even funnier, because it's a celebrity we forgot about completely.

* * * * *

Monday, July 16, 2007 08:02 p.m.

I'm home, I'm home, I'm home!

This past weekend I goed on my yearly trip! This time I went to Huntington, WV!!!

This trip was a downright spectacle, and the mischief rating inched ever so slightly into the medium category. Also, with the growing interest in my roads photos page, I made sure to get 70 fresh road photos, which I'll have posted in a few days.

This outing will be forever remembered for the hotel swimming pool being closed for maintenance (which we didn't know about until we got to the inn). Because we were paying for this broken pool, we demanded - and we do mean demanded - that the hotel cancel our reservation so we could find a different place to stay.

Many interesting roads, bridges, tunnels, and animals were sighted on this vacation trip! You would have loved it!

Also, at Carter Caves, while we were waiting on the patio for the cave tour to begin, a young woman bubbled.

* * * * *

Friday, July 13, 2007 12:11 a.m.

I'm damn mad!!!!!

For the past couple days, I've just been absolutely fuming.

Another one of the assholes from school is in the news, this time because he (at the age of 34) recently tried to pick up a 13-year-old girl on the Internet.

It gets me thinking why something was not done about this guy years ago. Even back in school, I could see something wasn't right about the guy, especially because he managed to disrupt the class on the average of once per day. But was anything done about him? No! Because that would have violated his True Free Speach Now (tm).

It's too bad I didn't knock his face into next week back then. But as you know, by that time I could rarely bring myself ever to fight back against the Nazis at school. I so wish I had.

Because he didn't have to follow the rules back then, he's out picking up 13-year-olds now.

The bullies of yesterday are the pedophiles of today.

Also, I probably won't be able to post another entry here again until Monday. So I'll have a whole weekend to think about what more to say about this stupid freak. I do hope they throw the book at him. And I do hope that once he goes to prison, he gets what he deserves.

* * * * *

Tuesday, July 3, 2007 10:11 p.m.

Ah! An Illness Log! Ew!

Inspired by 'Sicko', I opted to go ahead and do something I haven't done since 1999: I finally updated my personal Illness Log!!!

So point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Sunday, July 1, 2007 10:23 p.m.

A cultural event happened last night!

Last night I got to see 'Sicko' (Michael Moore's latest movie) with a group of people over at Newport On The Levee!

You have got to see this movie! You need to see what the health insurance racket has been up to.

I know the United States has one of the worst health care systems in the world, judging by how I had to go 11 years without seeing a dentist, but you'd be amazed how far it lags behind most other large countries.

Also, I didn't get home until 6 AM last night, so I'm damn tired now!

* * * * *

Saturday, June 30, 2007 04:13 p.m.

2 ishes in 9 days? Has the Great Royal Tim flipped his lid?

What??? Ish #439 is out already???

Yes indeedo! The Supreme Court has been on such a roll lately with its right-wingism that it's yielded a 4-pager!

So point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Friday, June 29, 2007 09:09 p.m.

8 out of 9 (but it's a "severe drought")!

Now it's rained on 8 of the past 9 days!

Even so, the Post ran article today saying we're in a "severe drought."

* * * * *

Thursday, June 28, 2007 08:53 p.m.

7 out of 8!!!!!!!!!!

We're at 7 out of 8 now!

We're on a roll!!!

* * * * *

Wednesday, June 27, 2007 09:18 p.m.

6 out of 7!!!

Now it's rained on 6 of the past 7 days!

Better get your flood insurance policy handy!

* * * * *

Tuesday, June 26, 2007 09:03 p.m.

5 outta 6!

It's rained here on 5 of the past 6 days.

This explains why I haven't done anything lately.

* * * * *

Thursday, June 21, 2007 12:34 a.m.

Some pics and an ish!

Ish #438 of The Last Word is out. It's a 2-pager discussing the latest in outside agitation and other happenings:

Also, I got a few road pics from Tuesday posted. They probably won't be of interest to anyone who frequents Bellevue and Dayton, but they're good enough, and they're staying put:

* * * * *

Tuesday, June 19, 2007 10:08 p.m.

I saw you...Scholaring in the rain...

It rained Sunday, it was too hot yesterday, but today I waked up to a beautiful morn!

I thought I'd take the bikey Roads Scholaring again, after sitting outside for a while, since it was so nice, but who was I kidding? Just when I decided to get on my merry way, it started raining (again).

So I got some somewhat interesting but very rainy Roads Scholaring pics of this part of town. I got home, and it stopped raining, so I decided to go for a little walk down to the Dayton floodwall. Lo and behold, it started raining...AGAIN!!!

So there's gonna be a few Roads Scholaring photos coming up of this wet spell that the area has been experiencing these past few days. Mind you, this is the second Roads Scholaring attempt in a row in which it rained heavily.

* * * * *

Saturday, June 16, 2007 10:26 p.m.

Looks like ol' J.B. is off the hook

It turns out my former schoolmate actually isn't the same guy who allegedly shot that cop. I did more checking around, and he doesn't have the same middle initial as the suspect in that case (even though he has the same first and last name and same age and looks a lot like him).

It sure was a big coincidence though.

And it's not like the idiots from school are known for staying out of trouble with the law, as you well know. (Right, Bowel Movement?)

* * * * *

Friday, June 15, 2007 09:22 p.m.

Mamas, don't let your bullies grow up to be cop killers...

Looks like we may have netted another one (who we've already netted before), but I'm not 100% positive.

By an amazing coincidence, the guy who allegedly shot and killed that police chief outside Lexington the other day just happens to have the same first and last name and the same age as a certain bully who I attended school with at Cline. Not only that, but I asked around to see if anyone could find a photo of the suspect in the shooting, and he happens to look exactly like my old "friend" from school. Not only that, but another article about the case mentions that the suspect has a criminal record that bears a striking resemblance to that of my old school chum. My former schoolmate had a picture up on the Internet when he was in the Kentucky corrections system, and the picture of the suspect in this case looks a damn lot like him, except the long hair, beard, and mustache are a perfect disguise - so I'm only 90% sure it's him.

Because I'm less than 99% sure, I'm not gonna link to the articles about the cop-killing case, but I'm sure you can find them if you look hard enough. (They're in the paper even locally.)

If it's him, he was one of the very worst bullies I met in my years of school. I think he was in the top 2, in fact. He's discussed extensively in my book The Fight The Never Ends (though not by his real name). He was that bad.

Maybe they'll throw the book at him.

* * * * *

Saturday, June 9, 2007 10:27 p.m.

New pictures, a new TV, and more!

Yesterday I got 23 new pictures from this week's Roads Scholaring outing posted, divided into 2 parts:

Also, I managed to acquire a used TV from 1983 for $20, which actually works - which the one I just got rid of barely did even when it was new 2 years ago.

And tonight, there was a band giving a concert down at Bellevue Beach Park, so I went to that. At the concert, I saw some woman bubble a big green bubble.

* * * * *

Tuesday, June 5, 2007 10:25 p.m.

So close, yet so far!

Today I did what was probably the most frustrating Roads Scholaring ever! But I guess it was worth it, because I'll probably have over 20 photos.

I got extremely - and I mean extremely - close to Indiana! It turns out that I was only about 250 feet from the Indiana state line. (Google Earth says I actually was in Indiana, but Google Earth's state boundaries are slightly off.) By road, I was about a mile from Indiana.

On US 50, I got as far as the junction with Lawrenceburg Road in western Hamilton County (at an unincorporated place called Elizabethtown). My closest encounter with the Hoosier state had just occurred along Brower Road, where it becomes Lawrenceburg Road.

This outing was frustrating because: 1) it rained in the morning, despite the fact that they weren't predicting rain; and 2) I greatly misunderestimated (sic) the condition of roads in that area. Because of that, I didn't get home until it was almost dark outside. It was damn hard to ride a bike that far on such bad roads, so I was starting to hallucinate around the time I got about 70% of the way home.

Also, on the way home on US 50, I found a smashed Tyrese CD on the sidewalk.

Furthermore, a person bubbled.

* * * * *

Friday, June 1, 2007 01:09 a.m.

A correction...

A small point of order...

Actually I don't think it was Fozzie Bear who sang "Fur." I think it was some other Muppet who was designed just for that segment.

So that's the "show 'Fur'" for ya...

* * * * *

Thursday, May 31, 2007 11:33 p.m.

Yesterday's pics...don't stay around long...

But hopefully these pictures will stay around long!

I just posted a set of 7 photos from yesterday's Roads Scholaring episode in the Belv. So point your pooper here...

* * * * *

Wednesday, May 30, 2007 09:17 p.m.

Scholarin' in the Belv!

Today I went Roooooooooooooooads Scholaring!

This time I did a section of Bellevue where destroyment of historic homes looms. Since it was close by, I wasn't gone for very long today.

There will be 7 photos from this outing, so keep your eyes peeled!

* * * * *

Sunday, May 27, 2007 02:42 a.m.

And yet another reason never to replace the TV

Because new TV sets are shitty. That's why.

I just found this article that confirms what I've long suspected: Tuning on TV's has steadily declined in quality over the years...

TV makers just assume you have cable, so they don't bother making a set that has good reception with an antenna. Well, guess what? I don't have cable. In fact, in some areas you can't even get cable. Also, I live in a city area with buildings all around, so good tuning is a must-have.

Why won't the government require TV's to have good tuning like they used to? They require v-chips that nobody uses, and which add tens of dollars to the cost of a TV. So why can't they require something like good tuning that will actually benefit consumers?

* * * * *

Saturday, May 26, 2007 11:30 p.m.

Hilarious farts detected!

I went to the Bellevue Vets Carnival yet again tonight.

While I was there, I detected one of the most memorable series of bunker blasts ever! These were probably the stinkiest farts I have ever smelled, except for the one I detected in biology class in high school once. In fact, they came damn close to being even stinkier!

These were unmistakably egg farts. They smelled HORRIBLE!!!!!

And it happened not just once, but 7 or 8 times out on the back patio of the Bellevue Vets building!

To give you an idea of how strong these bunkeroos were, people 30 feet away from where I was were holding their shirts up over their noses! For the loominsky to be smelled by both me and by people 30 feet away, it had to have had a range of at least 15 feet!

Now that's a powerful fart!

I think the farting event of Christmas 2003 came extremely close to being surpassed in hilarity!

Also, 4 people bubbled.

* * * * *

Friday, May 25, 2007 11:45 p.m.

More from the carnival...

This year hasn't turned up much interesting stuff at the Bellevue Vets Carnival. I always go to these things so I can report if there's any fights or vandalism, but the Bellevue Vets Carnival usually doesn't have much of that.

Tonight, however, I did see some minor bathroom vandalism. In the men's room at the Bellevue Vets, I noticed that someone had stuck the urinal cake to the wall in the stall (with what, I don't want to know).

Also, tonight I saw 3 people who were in a festive enough mood that they bubbled.

* * * * *

Friday, May 25, 2007 03:56 p.m.

I'm mad!

Damn, I'm mad!

Something just happened this afternoon that makes me so damn mad I can't even see straight, which I'm not even going to get into.

Oh well.

In other news...

For the past couple of nights, I've gone down to the Bellevue Vets Carnival, but it was so boring that I left early. They've gotten rid of anything that was even remotely adultable (as a wise man would say), so there's nothing interesting left.

Also, I did a little bit of brief, fruitless Roads Scholaring on Wednesday over on 10th Street in Newport, but I didn't see anything interesting and didn't get any pictures.

* * * * *

Tuesday, May 22, 2007 11:01 p.m.

Another new reason not to buy a new TV

Here's another reason why I don't plan on replacing the TV:,72022.0.html

TV stations weren't satisfied showing 21 minutes of ads an hour, so now they just started reducing the show to just a small window of the screen so they can show an ad, or showing a silent ad right in the middle of a show.

The government could halt this, but they won't, so fuck 'em.

* * * * *

Tuesday, May 22, 2007 09:52 p.m.

An election (ew!) and the death of a TV set

Well, I did my patriotic duty today. I didn't see anyone else voting today, and I didn't see anything out of the ordinary either.

Gatewood Galbraith won Nicholas County!!! (Is this the first time he's ever won a county?)

Also, my TV set (which is less than 2 years old) bit the dust today. I didn't hasten its demise (like I should have), but suffice it to say, it's dead. It's gone. It's no more.

Good riddance! What a piece of shit that TV was. The sound always cut out, it couldn't pick up half the stations I used to be able to get on the old set, and a menu would often pop up for no apparent reason. Plus other problems.

I don't have room here for TV sets that don't work, so I carried it out to the street to be picked up by the trash collectors. Later, I noticed that somebody had moved the TV way up the alley so it was just laying there. Then after that, I looked out the window and saw some boy who was about 9 years old picking up the big, heavy TV, putting it in a grocery cart, and carrying it away.

That kid's gonna be in for a big disappointment when he finds out the TV he found doesn't work.

I wasn't going to wait to throw away the TV until after someone else could look at it, because trust me, it was dead. As in not working. It was bye-bye.

I'm not replacing the TV for a good long time, if ever. For one thing, it's almost summer, when there's nothing but reruns on anyway. For another, there's only 2 shows I regularly watch now. Everything else on TV now is crap. And half the time, the network preempts the 2 shows that I do watch (usually with crap).

* * * * *

Sunday, May 20, 2007 05:59 p.m.

Ish #437 now wafts!

Indeed it does!

The latest ish of The Last Word is now here. It isn't much, but there are a couple of important election-related articles:

* * * * *

Friday, May 18, 2007 01:33 a.m.

15 Roads Scholaring photos now posted!

My 15 new photos from the other day are posted now.

So point your bunker here:

* * * * *

Monday, May 14, 2007 09:14 p.m.

More Roads Scholaring and another funny commersh!

Today I went Roads Scholaring over in Cincinnati, mostly along the east side of the Mill Creek Valley. I made it all the way to Colerain Avenue!

I did get 15 pictures, and I finally learned whether or not the secret bridge connects. (It does.)

But nobody bubbled.

Also, I've been informed of another funny TV commercial. The commersh is for a stain remover, and a man tells his wife, "Honey, I have some bad news. It's ruined!"

Hear that, everyone? RUIN!!!

* * * * *

Monday, May 14, 2007 02:05 a.m.

Project begun in 1988 now finished!

I've been working on something for 19 years and have never been able to finish it satisfactorily. I've finished it unsatisfactorily several times, but never satisfactorily.

Until now!

It probably won't be of any interest to anyone who isn't interested in radio or geography, but anyway, my project sought to create DMA-like areas for radio. In other words, every county in America would be allocated to one and only one area based on radio listening habits. Since ratings for most counties aren't available to the public, this proved to be quite a challenge, forcing me to come up with general rules of thumb to define the areas, which I plugged into a FreeBASIC program.

So - after 19 years - here's the list:

* * * * *

Saturday, May 12, 2007 09:03 p.m.

Rumors of a TV bubbling

I heard a rumor that some woman in a Curves commersh bubbled.

* * * * *

Wednesday, May 9, 2007 09:40 p.m.

It's bubbling season, Charlie Brown!

Today some girl walking down the street bubbled.

* * * * *

Tuesday, May 8, 2007 10:24 p.m.

The harassment continues!

Well, I knew this would happen. I just didn't think it would happen so quickly.

For over 20 years, I've been getting the same harassing phone calls over and over, apparently from people I went to school with. This has happened despite numerous phone number changes, and the fact that my number is unlisted.

In later years, I've been able to trace some of the calls. One of them was traced to a right-wing political campaign in New York, but most of them trace to local idiots whose names I don't even recognize. Not like this does any good - because around here, phone harassment isn't prosecuted. If it was, this would have stopped 20 years ago.

But these phone calls stopped sometime last year - only to be replaced by repeated telemarketing calls from Wells Fargo Auto Finance. Eventually Wells Fargo began claiming I was a customer in Burlington who owed them money - which is impossible, because I've never owned a car, and therefore would have never been a customer of Wells Fargo Auto Finance. About a week ago, someone told me I was probably a victim of identity theft, but I doubt this, because Wells Fargo keeps claiming I'm a person who doesn't even have my name.

I repeatedly complained to the Kentucky Attorney General. The calls would often stop right after the complaints, but would then resume worse than ever. Finally, a few days ago, it got so bad that I changed my number - again. The Attorney General's office did get back to me again, but only after I changed my number.

So my new number took effect a few days ago, which has thwarted the Wells Fargo nonsense. But now, the other harassing phone calls have started up again!

How??? How did they end up with my new number so quickly? Yesterday, I was rousted out of bed early by one such call that could not be traced. I hung up, but the caller was still on the line 30 minutes later when I picked up the phone to try to trace the call.

This morning, I received another harassing phone call. This time it was traced to a business in Cold Spring.

But, like I said, this information is practically useless, because the authorities don't do anything. So it looks like I'll probably be changing my number yet again sometime soon.

* * * * *

Monday, May 7, 2007 01:05 a.m.

Boring, boring, boring


What a boring past couple of weeks!

I've been really busy the past couple of weeks writing programs using FreeBASIC, which is a new version of the BASIC that I forgot back in the '90s. That's about all I've done for the past 2 weeks.

* * * * *

Saturday, April 21, 2007 10:44 p.m.


Nineteen is how many new Roads Scholaring pics from my jaunt to Lunken Airport the other day have been posted! These photos cover US 52 out to Bunkin' Lunken, a little bit of Wooster Road, and more!

So point your pooper here...


* * * * *

Tuesday, April 17, 2007 09:37 p.m.

Roads Scholaring I goed!

Guess what I did today?

I went Roads Scholaring yet again!

This time I went to Cincinnati! I went out past Lunken Airport and out Beechmont Road a little bit! I even went up Wooster Pike all the way to the border with Fairfax!

So 19 photos are going to loom from that event!

* * * * *

Friday, April 13, 2007 10:19 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #436 is here!

An ish is pub!!!

Issue #436 of The Last Word has now loomed its way into reality. I think this is the first 6-page ish I've done in a while. There's a humongous article about Cincinnati Bell's many missteps, and there's a couple other interesting articles as well.

So point your pooper at:

* * * * *

Wednesday, April 11, 2007 10:23 p.m.

Another plopping event!

I've just been told that a large bath towel got put in a toilet!

* * * * *

Tuesday, April 10, 2007 11:01 p.m.

People vomited on TV!!!

Earlier I had the TV on because I was angry, and there was one of these shows like 'House' on that hardly anyone watches. Anyway, throughout the show, it showed 3 people vomiting! And it was graphic too!

I remember once about 10 years ago, I saw some guy vomiting on 'ER', but what happened tonight was by far the most graphic TV vomiting I've ever seen!

* * * * *

Sunday, April 8, 2007 10:14 p.m.

Give a hoot! Ruin a newspaper rack!

Earlier at an important family gathering, an entire 10-pound bucket of Milk Bones got spilled in the hallway.

On the way home, I noticed that someone had utterly demolished the Kentucky Post newspaper rack in my neighborhood. The rack was hilariously twisted around a telephone pole. That'll teach 'em about their right-wing bias, won't it?

* * * * *

Tuesday, April 3, 2007 09:53 p.m.

Perfectly good CD found!

Today I found a perfectly good '90s soul compilation CD laying in the alley next to my apartment.

* * * * *

Monday, April 2, 2007 08:44 p.m.

It's the Cincinnati Reds playin' basteball again...

Today I went to the Opening Day parade in Cincinnati. It was boring, except that the guy who drank beer he found in the trash can at Oktoberfest a couple years ago was there. (I didn't go to the parade last year because of bull.) Two people did bubble, however.

Also, last night right before I went to bed, the cops busted some guy for DUI on the street right outside my apartment, and he cussed the cops out.

And I have 20 new pictures from last week's Roads Scholaring events posted! So point your pooper at these 3 links:

* * * * *

Sunday, April 1, 2007 04:19 p.m.

A plopping, a bubbling, some Roads Scholaring, and the end of a teethcoster!

Man, what a week! This is the first entry I'm doing from my own account in over a week because of the teethcoster!

My Internet access was cut off the whole last week of March because Cincinnati Bell suddenly started forcing ISP's to strictly limit users' access (without telling anyone beforehand). This wasn't a problem with my ISP specifically, but with Cincinnati Bell. Not like I expect better from Cincinnati Bell, considering its torrid record.

Also, I goed Roads Scholaring twice last week. First was on Monday, and again I went on Thursday in Fort Thomas and Highland Heights. On the way back from Fort Thomas, I stopped to use the restroom at McDonald's in Bellevue and discovered that someone had put a Mountain Dew can in the toilet!

Also, last night at Fuckhead Mountain Grill, some woman bubbled.

* * * * *

Wednesday, March 28, 2007 08:40 p.m.

The teethcoster to end all teethcosters!

I haven't been able to get online all week, and won't be able to again until Sunday, due to the phone company's latest teethcoster heard 'round the world. I'll go into detail later, but right now I don't have time, because I'm borrowing a family member's account.

So hopefully I'll be back here on Sunday!

Also, I goed Roads Scholaring again on Monday, this time out by Pioneer Park (almost in Independence)! So 17 new pictures are gonna loom from that. There was another incident like the "Go back to Amsterdam" event, which I'll discuss further on my road photos site. Also, I found a smashed Britney & Kevin CD laying in the road over on KY 17.

* * * * *

Wednesday, March 21, 2007 01:59 a.m.

A plopping story

I've been told that somebody pushed an entire container of wipes into a toilet, then flushed the toilet, which clogged the toilet.

* * * * *

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 04:51 p.m.

Some long-lost history of the days of helmet hair is about to be rediscovered!

This is such a proud moment that I'm going to post this both here and on my MyBaste blog!

There's something I've been looking all over my apartment for, for the past 5 years, and haven't been able to find. I was really worried that someone had thrown it into the gar-bahge. But during my One Step Ahead...Of Clutter! that's been going on lately, I've managed to unearth it!

Here's a picture of what I found today that represents a decade gone by...

Due to the modern miracle of computer scanners, it's also a sign of what looms in the not-too-distant future.

The issues from 1996 up to fairly recently are scattered, so I may have to do some fancy footwork to bring those back. I'm pretty sure they all still exist on floppy or on my computer though. The ones from before late 1994 never really existed on floppy though, because it was before I buyed my Power Mac.

So keep your eyes peeled for some memories of the days of helmet hair, the 4 Non Blondes, and 704 Hauser!

* * * * *

Saturday, March 17, 2007 12:27 a.m.

Have no fear, ish #435 is here!

Hey peeps, remember The Last Word?

Well, it still exists.

The Last Word is a local mainstay of left-leaning populism. I'm the founder and editor of this fine newsletter and e-zine, and I just put out issue #435.

You can read it here:

* * * * *

Wednesday, March 14, 2007 02:49 a.m.

Hey atlasfaces! 11 new pics now posted!

My 11 pictures from Monday are posted now!

Read 'em and peep:

* * * * *

Monday, March 12, 2007 03:35 p.m.

23 new pics posted...and there will be more from today!

A couple items: 1) I got my 23 Roads Scholaring pics posted from Friday. They had to be divided into 2 parts, so point your pooper here:

2) I goed Roads Scholaring again today! This time I went about Newport and Covington. I got about 10 pics, and they're gonna be good ones, so keep your eyes peeled!

I also saw a celebrity look-alike. While I was going onto the 4th Street bridge, a John Kerry look-alike was jogging along the sidewalk.

* * * * *

Friday, March 9, 2007 01:53 p.m.

I Scholared!

I just goed Roads Scholaring!

This time I did Dayton, KY. I'll probably have about 20 pictures looming soon, so keep your peepers peeled!

* * * * *

Thursday, March 8, 2007 11:12 p.m.

Bunker blast report!

Early today I went to Kroger, and as I was entering the store, some guy who was about 30 years old who was walking about 20 feet behind me farted really loud!

Then, this evening, there was a small family gathering at my mom's house where I helped hook up her computer. Someone twice cracked a silent but deadly bunkeroo!

* * * * *

Monday, March 5, 2007 09:26 p.m.

Scholaring season looms!

It's almost Roads Scholaring season! (Which of course coincides with bubbling season, but that's another matter entirely.) That means I'm gonna Roads Scholar soon!

I doubt if it will be this week, but it is possible. It could be next week. Or maybe sometime this month. But, barring a major apostrophe, it will happen soon.

You better run, you better take cover! 'Tis the season for Scholaring!

* * * * *

Thursday, March 1, 2007 01:39 a.m.

Another plopping event!

People today really know how to plop stuff!

I've just been told that a half of a box of tissues and several Breathe-Right strips got put in a toilet.

How ploppy!

* * * * *

Monday, February 26, 2007 11:44 p.m.

...And make blog #3...

(I bet it's been a long time since you've heard that one, hasn't it?)

For years I've had this blog on Pitas, and I also assist heavily with the Conservative Fool Of The Day blog, and now I've got a third blog on MySpace.

My MyBaste blog is going to be used for nostalgic reminisces and topics. I'm keeping my Pitas blog for my latest doings and witnessings of public bubblings and farting and the like.

So point your pooper here:

Also, today I was informed earlier that a Rob Reiner look-alike was sighted at a certain retail establishment.

And earlier my chair squeaked and it sounded exactly like the Green Acres theme.

* * * * *

Friday, February 23, 2007 07:58 p.m.

Why no updates?

Because nothing has happened lately, smartypants.

I still need to work some on my MySpace page.

Also, today I was informed that a clerk at a Kroger bubbled.

* * * * *

Tuesday, February 13, 2007 04:16 a.m.

Jim Talent lost!

It's been months now, and the greatness of this factoid is just now sinking in...

Jim No-Talent LOST!!!

Isn't that great??? I didn't even realize how wonderful this is until now.

Of all the major politicians in the last election, nobody deserved to lose more. And lose he did. I just can't tell you how good this makes me feel inside.

He was a racist and a fascist, and now he's gone!

Savor this uproarious truism like a good shit!

* * * * *

Saturday, February 10, 2007 03:45 p.m.

Ah! A MySpace page! Ew!

The other day I got my own page on MySpace. Does that pib or what? I'm going to keep updating my Pitas blog, but MySpace will also be used for networking and important updates.

Point your bunker here:

(I don't know why MyBaste lists users' zodiac signs instead of their birthdates, but oh well.)

* * * * *

Friday, February 2, 2007 02:47 a.m.

A weird recurring dream about...well, badeedle-badeed!

For the past couple years or so, I've had this weird recurring dream. I had this dream again the other day.

In this dream, I keep dreaming that we're having a family gathering that includes relatives from out of town, in which we all go to a certain restaurant for lunch or supper, despite the vehement protests of a majority of those present.

Guess which restaurant? Just guess?


That's right...Frisch's Big Boy!

What is this dream supposed to represent?

I'm thinking it could be an allegory to American politics, and the fact that the ruling party repeatedly does things that a majority of the public opposes. It seems like in some of these dreams I simply get up and leave in the middle of the meal, so the meaning of the dream could be to defy certain right-wing government policies.

Or maybe it's something simpler, like a forced visit to Frisch's looming just below the surface.

* * * * *

Friday, February 2, 2007 01:49 a.m.

Have no fear, volume 16 is here!

It's hard to believe The Last Word is on volume 16 now, but that just goes to show how unstoppable it is.

The latest 4-page ish features a humongous article about the practice of local right-wing TV stations preempting our fave shows. There's also a shorter piece about dealing with office clutter.

Point a bunker blast here:

* * * * *

Wednesday, January 31, 2007 12:08 p.m.


Ha ha, Martha Stewart said "ruin" again!

* * * * *

Thursday, January 25, 2007 08:20 p.m.

More Arby's fun!

I just heard a rumor that the toilet overflowed at Arby's. And it was pee water! (I wasn't there though.)

* * * * *

Tuesday, January 16, 2007 10:29 p.m.

Another tray in the trash!

Earlier at Arby's, another tray got throwed into the trash can!

How amusing!

* * * * *

Saturday, January 13, 2007 11:50 p.m.

A hunk'a hunk'a burnin' baste...

Hahahahahaha! WGRR just played "A hunk'a hunk'a burnin' baste..."!

Then right after it they played a commersh that says RUIN!!!

* * * * *

Thursday, January 11, 2007 10:06 p.m.

"No boogers tonight in my coffee...No boogers tonight in my tea..."

Hahahahah, they just played this on the radio too!

* * * * *

Thursday, January 11, 2007 09:32 p.m.

"It's hard for me to say I farted...I just want you to stay..."


They just played "HARD TO SAY I FARTED" on the radio!

* * * * *

Tuesday, January 9, 2007 01:59 p.m.

28 new pictures now waft!


Last night I got 28 new Roads Scholarin' photos from my trip to Illinois posted! Actually not all of them are road stuff. Some of them are somewhat toilety - but amusing nonetheless.

I had to divide them into 3 parts. So point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Sunday, January 7, 2007 11:44 p.m.

It happened, it happened!

Earlier I was at an important family gathering at my mom's house, and just as I was getting ready to leave, guess what happened? Someone ripped an SBD bunker blast!

Amusing, huh?

* * * * *

Thursday, January 4, 2007 12:21 a.m.

The bronchitis continues!

The bronchitis continues, people!

I know I had bronchitis once before, about 5 years ago, which was probably worse than the current bout, but it didn't last nearly as long. There's no end in sight for this battle with bronchitis!

Also, I updated my On The Road Again page. Point your pooper here:

A few words about what qualifies for a mention on my On The Road Again page: If it's a little one-day excursion like the Michigan's Thumb outing of 2003, I don't mention it. But if it's a 2-day excursion that results in having to stay overnight somewhere, I mention it, because that's like a whole big vacation for me! And no, it doesn't count as a 2-day excursion just because I arrive home after midnight.

Another rule: It has to be outside the Cincinnati BTA. In other words, staying for a week at a motel in Peebles, OH, wouldn't count. But camping overnight for one night in Owen County, KY, would count - even though Owenton is closer than Peebles.

For the purposes of said page, business trips would count. However, prison terms (deserved or not) would not count. If I had ever served in the armed forces, miltary service also would not count.

As for the states mentioned, Kentucky is automatically listed as long as I live in Kentucky. Ohio is listed even if this only involves driving across Fort Washington Way to get to I-75 and reentering Kentucky. The District of Columbia, Canadian provinces, and Mexican states are all counted as state equivalents. The constituent countries of the U.K. (England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland) would also be deemed state equivalents. I believe Iraq has provinces, so those would be treated likewise. Also, flying over a state in an aircraft would not count. (This is moot, as I have never traveled on a commercial flight.) Land and water travel both count.

The dates listed for each trip attempt to include the day in which I arrived home even if it was shortly after midnight and did not force me to stay overnight.

Does all this information pib or what?

* * * * *

Monday, January 1, 2007 11:20 p.m.

Today a person...


This public bubbling was sighted in the lobby of SuperValu.

* * * * *

Sunday, December 31, 2006 08:45 p.m.

It's official: it's bronchitis!

I've researched my current condition on WebMD, Wikipedia, and elsewhere, and have determined that the ailment I've been suffering from is not sinusitis, but bronchitis.

Oh well. Now, if it was a common cold instead of bronchitis, I'd be damn mad, because then I would have had to turn around and go home on my Illinois trip. And there'd be hell to pay. But no, it's bronchitis, whose symptoms are usually manageable or fairly mild (except for all that gasping for air that almost forced me to visit the emergency room last night).

For the next few weeks, until the bronchitis goes away, I'll probably have immunity to the far worse ailment known as the common cold.

So go ahead. Get bronchitis. It may save you from a far worse fate!

* * * * *

Sunday, December 31, 2006 04:31 p.m.

Have no fear, an ish is here!

Ish #433 of The Last Word just got pub!

This issue features an article about the FDA ignoring science by approving cloned animals in food, and a hilarious article about my trip to Gatlinburg in October.

Point it here:

* * * * *

Saturday, December 30, 2006 09:21 p.m.

Illinois fun

Guess where I was the past couple days?

I went on a little trip to Quincy, IL!!!

One place I didn't go was St. Louis, even though I could have. The reason I didn't go there was that I was just there last year.

With the renewed interest in my road photos page this year, there will of course be some pictures.

I have a mysterious case of sinusitis, so I kept having to gasp for air much of the time. We did manage to get the mischief rating up to a good, solid medium, however.

On this trip, someone ripped a loud and proud bunker blast at a rest area in Illinois. But the only person I saw bubbling was some guy driving a van in Missouri.

* * * * *

Wednesday, December 27, 2006 02:18 a.m.

Oh good! A high fever!

I have a fever of about 115!

This of course is wonderful news, because usually when this happens it doesn't last any longer than a day or two, so it'll be gone before the next event I have planned. That's one less worry!

Neat how I've learned to time stuff like that, huh? It's a bit like the rhythm method.

This, by the way, isn't even as bad as the plague of '03 that I mentioned back then. Let alone the numerous ailments I suffered in the late '80s (which I kept picking up at St. Joe's and Bro$$art but almost never got at any other time in my life).

* * * * *

Tuesday, December 26, 2006 01:00 a.m.

Illinois now looms!

In the near future I may go on a little trip to western Illinois, just because I feel like it. I'm not going to tell you exactly when, because I never do (for security reasons). I might not even do it at all, especially if the weather is bad or I get sick, but it is possible.

Also, I had another family gathering on Christmas Day, and the Christmas tradition of SBD bunker blasts continued. I twice detected the scent of a bunkeroo.

* * * * *

Saturday, December 23, 2006 11:17 p.m.

It's beginning to smell a lot like Christmas

Earlier at an important Christmas gathering, a bunkeroo was detected. And no, it wasn't an SBD. It was an LAP!

* * * * *

Friday, December 15, 2006 07:33 p.m.

Another boring update

Today in the alley when I was walking over to SuperValu, I found a smashed case and lyrics sheet for a Journey CD.

Also, when I was entering the store, a person bubbled.

* * * * *

Sunday, December 10, 2006 11:35 p.m.

Fun at football games

Since I'm boycotting the NFL, I'm pleased to hear of some fairly minor bathroom mischief at the Bengals game.

I've just been told that someone shit in a urinal at Paul Brown Stadium.

Pretty funny, huh?

* * * * *

Monday, December 4, 2006 03:24 a.m.

Here comes an ish...

Here comes an ish
Here comes an ish
And I say, it's alright...

I just put out a brand-new ish of The Last Word!

I'm tired and old, so point your pooper here...

* * * * *

Tuesday, November 28, 2006 02:00 p.m.

Spoiler warning, spoiler warning, spoiler warning!

Don't read this entry if you haven't watched your favorite shows that you taped Sunday yet.

As you know, I like to mention episodes of TV series where stuff gets ruined. But seldom do I mention anything from an animated series, because you just expect stuff to get ru in cartoons.

However, I did mention an episode of The Simpsons from the early '90s that featured an uproarious scene of a comic book getting struck by lightning and therefore ru. Now, once again, The Simpsons has come through in the ru factor!

On the new episode of The Simpsons this past Sunday, there was a HILARIOUS scene in which Homer demolished Marge's popsicle stick sculptures by plowing an ice cream truck into them in the front yard! Oh man, it was UPROARIOUS!!! I haven't laughed so hard over something on TV in probably at least 6 or 7 years!!! I was laughing about this for 5 minutes straight!!!

A lot of people say The Simpsons has seen better days, but that's one series that always bounces back! That scene from the most recent episode is going to go down in history as one of the all-time greatest Simpsons moments!

* * * * *

Thursday, November 23, 2006 09:57 p.m.

A bunker blast happened!

Earlier I went to an important family gathering for Thanksgiving. While I was there, someone ripped a bunkeroo! And it wasn't silent but violent. It was loud and proud!

And so, another funky bunky wafts its way into the history books.

* * * * *

Saturday, November 18, 2006 01:23 a.m.


Guess what today is?

It's Plop Day!

Eighteen years ago today, the Plop Lecture plopped its way into the history books.

Man, do I feel old! Anyone born on the day of the Plop Lecture is now an adult. Doesn't that make you feel old? It seems like it was just yesterday, doesn't it?

* * * * *

Tuesday, November 14, 2006 02:20 p.m.

Gatlinburg photos now loom!

I finally got my 31 photos from last month's trip to Gatlinburg posted. (There was a delay because of the election.)

Point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Saturday, November 11, 2006 11:45 a.m.

Another weird dream

I had another really weird dream last night. I dreamed that someone smeared shit all over the restrooms at the Marathon station in Highland Heights, and that the clerk flung the shit all over customers. This resulted in the police being called in to decontaminate the customers.

How weird!

* * * * *

Friday, November 10, 2006 01:44 p.m.

"You had a bad day...the camera don't lie..."

Man, that was a funny election, wasn't it?!

Every time I hear that "Bad Day" song now, I think of how the Republicans had such a hilariously bad day.

Especially the line, "The point is they laugh at what you say." Even the Rethugs who actually won aren't going to be taken seriously now, because everyone knows they're the loser party.

And I will kick them when they're down - because every time we've let up, they always pop back up worse than ever.

Like every bully, the Republicans can dish it out, but they sure can't take it.

* * * * *

Tuesday, November 7, 2006 01:57 p.m.

I did my patriotic duty! voting against the Rethugs!

I did vote today. They had a whole new type of machine and all. The only problem I noticed was that it's still pretty much impossible to cast a write-in, but oh well, what can ya do? At least the conservaloons weren't campaigning inside the polling place this time like they were last time.

And there was pretty good turnout this time. Better yet, it ain't in the Republicans' favor. Some woman came in and asked for a straight ticket ballot. And I know she didn't mean straight ticket Republican, because this is Bellevue. Later, some guy who was probably close to 60 or so came in and voted, and when he was done he told the poll worker, "I saw where it said 'straight ticket Democrat' and just went for it!"

Of course you know the Republicans will cheat, because they always do, but I wonder if it's going to be nearly enough this time.

* * * * *

Monday, November 6, 2006 08:04 p.m.

Are the roads gonna get garbagey tomorrow?

Tomorrow is Election Day, so at about this time tomorrow I'll start to know just how garbagey I'll have to make the thoroughfares of northern Campbell County. If we're lucky, we won't have to make the roads garbagey again. Up until the past 4 years or so, 1994 was the garbageymost year of them all, and somehow I don't think we're going to top that.

Garbageyness aside, it's still an important election. The Republicans are almost mathematically eliminated from keeping control of the House, which is pretty funny. Going by the polls, they're going to lose the Senate too, which will be even funnier.

We're not having our biannual Election Day bash this time, so I could post important results here as they roll in, like I did when the Republicans rigged the gubernatorial election in 2003. (I pretty much proved they cheated, if you could see the elections coming in.) I don't know if I want to do that again though.

* * * * *

Saturday, November 4, 2006 06:28 p.m.

More public...ah, never mind

Earlier at Super Valu, I saw 2 people bubbling.

* * * * *

Friday, November 3, 2006 03:10 a.m.

Last Word: Election in November, election in November...


I just put out ish #431 of The Last Word, which has a couple of important election-related articles.

Read it and peep:

* * * * *

Sunday, October 29, 2006 08:26 p.m.

Feelin' bad about yourself...feelin' Care-Free...

Bubble gum is cool.

I don't chew the stuff nowadays. But I'm sure you agree that bubble gum is cool. And that's why I mention any time someone blows a damn bubble in public! Those in the know refer to this practice as bubbling.

Today, for instance, I saw 2 people bubbling. One of them was a woman in the neighborhood who bubbled as she was passing out Halloween candy to trick-or-treaters. It's a fact that she did bubble frequently and with extreme dispatch. Many people have been known to do this very thing over the years.

But one thing you don't see much of anymore is TV commercials for bubble gum. At least not ones that actually show people using the product being advertised. There has been a new series of ads for Bazooka lately, but nobody bubbles in the ads. Such was not the case in the olden days. Back in my day, by golly, if it was a commersh for bubble gum, you could be almost sure that it would show a person bubbling.

That's why they call it bubble gum. It's gum, and you can bubble with it. Get it?

Over on YouPube, someone actually posted a TV commercial for Care-Free sugarless bubble gum that aired circa 1986. This commersh featured a goofy jingle that implored, "Feelin' good about yourself...feelin' Care-Free..." The ad featured several people jogging, biking, or engaging in other exercise - and blowing bubbles throughout. The end of the commersh featured a close-up of a woman bubbling.

I know this ad was from around 1986, because that was when we first got a VCR. This ad once appeared in a show we taped off TV right after we got the VCR. The height of comic genius was to roll the tape in reverse, so people could be seen bubbling backwards.

However, YouPube removed this ad after it was uploaded. If you click on it now, it says, "This video has been removed due to terms of use violation." I didn't know PooTube had a no-bubbling rule, but I guess it does. The blasted fools!

This ad was somewhat moronic in that it acted as if adults don't chew bubble gum unless it's sugarless. Which of course is stupid. Because most adults no longer have any teeth, they probably prefer bubble gum that has sugar, as they no longer have to worry about their teeth rotting.

I seem to recall that there was another version of this commercial that used a different jingle that was more bombastic and louder but still just as silly.

* * * * *

Tuesday, October 24, 2006 07:27 p.m.

What? Another ish? Already?

I know it hasn't been very long since the previous ish of The Last Word, but it seems like right before an election, there's always a lot more ishes than usual.

Ish #430 has one large article, which talks about Jim Talent's fascism, so that might not be new to readers of the Conservative Fool Of The Day blog. But anyway, point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Sunday, October 22, 2006 06:19 p.m.

A church bubbling!

I've just been told that some guy who was about 50 years old bubbled in church!

* * * * *

Thursday, October 19, 2006 11:19 p.m.

Rumors of another celeb look-alike

I've just been informed that a Bruce Willis look-alike was sighted at a store the other day.

* * * * *

Tuesday, October 17, 2006 11:38 p.m.!

Earlier at Kroger some woman who was about 60 years old bubbled.

Also, this morning there was some talk show on TV in which the guest was a man who holds some world record for bubbling. When the segment ended, the camera zoomed in on some woman in the audience who bubbled a big pink bubble.

* * * * *

Monday, October 16, 2006 10:13 a.m.

Bubbling: still an international sport!

I've been told that some guy bubbled at the Mayan RUINS of Chichen Itza.

Hear that, everyone?

Someone BUBBLED at a RUINS!!!

The magic substance and the magic word both in the same sentence!

* * * * *

Sunday, October 15, 2006 01:08 p.m.

Tennesseein' is Tennebelievin'

Guess where I've been since Thursday, and where I just got back from this morning?


I goed to Gatlinburg for my first overnight trip in a year!

I'm proud to announce that this is the first trip with a mischief rating of "high" in 6 years! The mischief highlight of this outing featured the removal of several traffic signs (albeit ones that were misplaced to begin with). Also, in a separate incident, a hat went out a car window.

More flatulence was detected on this trip than any other I've ever been on - even the Philadelphia trip of '86.

But nobody bubbled.

* * * * *

Wednesday, October 11, 2006 09:46 p.m.

Ish #429 now looms

Loom it does.

It's the latest 4-page ish of The Last Word!

There's even a "Brossart Wit & Wisdom" in this ish, which you haven't seen since, what, 1998?

Point your bunker here:

* * * * *

Thursday, October 5, 2006 10:12 p.m.

SpySweeper: a profile in poologgery

SpySweeper has truly become a profile in extreme poologgery. (And beezweezerliness too.)

Old editions of SpySweeper were damn good. Fucking good, in fact. But version 5.0 is utter poo, I'm afraid.

I ordered SpySweeper 5.0 from Dell with my new computer. It was offered as an option, and I buyed it because I don't want spyware ruining my brand new machine.

I installed it last week when I got my new computer, and I was then required to download version 5.0.7, which is supposed to be a needed update of 5.0. As this is a 10 MB file, it's not easy to download in a dialup town, but I did.

So I installed that, and when it came time for the scheduled sweep, it crashed the system. Every time I tried to tell it to sweep, it would just crash. Even the Task Manager wouldn't work, though I could move the mouse around.

So I went to their support website and submitted a troubleshooting ticket. They got back to me about a day later and told me to download another 10 MB file and reinstall SpySweeper.

I did that, and it didn't work.

So they told me to do something else, which I tried, and that didn't work either.

So today they came out and told me SpySweeper simply won't run on my kind of computer. They said the new version requires 256 MB of RAM. Uh, my computer has 512 MB, geniuses. They told me to download an old, old, outdated version of SpySweeper that doesn't require as much RAM.

I won't do it, of course. I've downloaed two 10 MB files from them already, and I'm not downloading another.

Their excuse that it won't run on this type of computer is bullshit, because Dell actually offered SpySweeper 5.0 as an option with this computer. It was not a separate order. Not only that, but the box for SpySweeper 5.0 says it only needs 128 MB of RAM! Not 256 MB like their support staff is now claiming!

So, it looks like I'm gonna hafta demand my money back - all because the makers of SpySweeper aren't willing to support their own product.

* * * * *

Friday, September 29, 2006 05:23 p.m.

Have no fear, the new computer is here!

This afternoon, the UPS bloke brang my new computer.

I'm posting from the new machine right now!

But it still needs the part I'm expecting next Thursday before I can really get movin'.

Right now I have both the new and the old computers hooked up, but since I only have one monitor, I have to unplug it from the computer to switch back and forth between computers depending on which one I want to use.

* * * * *

Thursday, September 28, 2006 10:34 p.m.

Finally! My new computer is almost here!

This is the first time I've mentioned this on this blog, but early this week, I ordered a new computer.

The one I'm using now is shot, shot, shot.

I know I mentioned probably about 6 months ago that this one was on its way out - even though it was just over 2 years old then. But after it kept crashing repeatedly on Sunday, I decided that was it.

Usually the computer isn't even successful in starting back up after crashing, and instead just makes a beeping noise. But when it is successful, I get a message that it has recovered from a serious error, which brings up a Microsoft webpage showing that it's either an unspecified hardware failure, a RAM failure, or a driver failure. Today (after another big crashing binge) it actually came up with a different message, which said it was a video driver error. I think what it really is, is that the video driver often needs a part of RAM that's totally shot.

So today I actually tried the suggestions on Microsoft's error page to resolve the video driver problem. I tried everything except the suggestion that I contact the maker of this video card to have them replace it, because I know that's not going to fix a RAM problem. To nobody's surprise, the suggestions I did try didn't work.

Welp, I can't fix a RAM. Even if I could replace the RAM, it's not worth doing in a computer that's 3 years old and is probably going to have something else go wrong pretty soon, because computers today are so poorly made. It's actually cheaper in the long run to get a new computer.

So I ordered a Dell, which isn't nearly as expensive as my current Compaq computer was. The computer itself is supposed to arrive tomorrow, but it needs a part that is scheduled to arrive next Thursday.

And so, another computer bites the dust.

Also, I have a theory as to what ruined the RAM. I notice the problems first began right around the time there was that one evening when the power kept going out and back on (even though there wasn't a storm). The power company has ruined appliances this way before, so it wouldn't surprise me if they destroyed my RAM.

* * * * *

Thursday, September 28, 2006 03:09 a.m.

Weird tunes you can't get out of your mind

I've been utterly cursed.

I mean that literally. I remember once when I was about 11, I made a list of 100 ridiculous curses to impose on my enemies, and one of them was to have a tune playing in a person's head repeatedly until they just can't stand it anymore.

Lately that's happened to me. For the past 2 weeks or so, there's been 2 specific tunes that I keep hearing in my head over and over. I don't really have anything against these 2 songs in particular, but now they're stuck in my brain and are eating me alive.

What's amazing is that both of them are songs that I've very rarely heard over the past 20 years or so.

One of them is the music played in the background of the promos for the "Tournament Of Champions" on The Joker's Wild around 1980. It turns out that this was also the theme music for an earlier game show called Break The Bank.

The other is the instrumental break of "Yah Mo B There" - the first 4 notes of which have a melody that is identical to that of the sound I used to make in 5th grade when I stuck a straw in my chocolate milk at lunch and blew bubbles in the milk and said, "Oh no R2!"

By the way, there's an entire Wikipedia article devoted to "Yah Mo B There", of all things.

Also, I could never figure out what sort of instrument was used for that part of "Yah Mo B There". I don't think I've heard an instrument like that in any other song before.

* * * * *

Sunday, September 24, 2006 10:46 p.m.

Ploppings are funny

It's funny when people plop stuff.

I just heard a rumor that a perfectly good, brand new bar of soap got thrown in the toilet bowl in a motel bathroom.

That's a plopping, people!

* * * * *

Wednesday, September 20, 2006 11:00 p.m.

Cut a fart at Kroger...

Earlier at Kroger, some guy who was about 35 years old farted audibly in the bug spray aisle.

* * * * *

Sunday, September 17, 2006 11:21 p.m.

More Ploptoberfest

There was more Ploptoberfest today, but not any more ploppings - although in one of the portable restrooms there was diarrhea all over the wall somehow.

Basically, not much happened for an Oktoberfest.

Two people bubbled.

* * * * *

Sunday, September 17, 2006 12:47 a.m.

Ploptoberfest is back!

Oktoberfest - or Ploptoberfest, as I call it - is back in Cincinnati this weekend!

On Saturday, I goed to Ploptoberfest. I didn't get run off this time like I did 2 years ago.

Actually not much happened at all. There really weren't even any good ploppings. However, one of the portable restrooms did have pee and diarrhea all over the floor. Also, I think the guy who drank old beer he found in the trash last year was there again. There was one guy who kept showing up there who I'm pretty sure was him.

But 6 - count 'em, 6 - people bubbled.

* * * * *

Sunday, September 10, 2006 09:09 p.m.

New photos to rip bunker blasts by!

Yesterday I got the latest batch of photos from last week's Roads Scholaring episode posted.

Since there's 26 pictures, I had to divide them into 3 parts. So point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Thursday, September 7, 2006 07:59 p.m.

More Roads Scholaring today!

I Roads Scholared again today!

This time I went to downtown Cincinnati and then out to Ludlow and into Bromley just a bit.

I saw a minor plopping! Over in Ludlow, if you go out Deverill Street to where the urban area ends, there's this park with a ballfield. This park has a portable restroom. I noticed that someone threw an entire roll of toilet paper into the toilet bowl there.

Also, there's going to be 26 new photos coming up!

* * * * *

Wednesday, September 6, 2006 11:02 p.m.

An amusing toilet story

Today someone told me an amusing true story about a toilet.

Now, this person told me that a plumber came along to fix a leaky toilet. But somehow they dropped the toilet, breaking it.

What can be funnier than a ruined toilet?

So they had to order a brand new toily and install it!

And so, a johnnypot got ru!

* * * * *

Sunday, September 3, 2006 11:51 p.m.

Back to the days of Rip-off-fest boredom

Last year we had a good solid Rip-off-fest for a change!

But this year it was back to the dullness of previous years. Nothing interesting at all happened.

I do believe a person was seen bubbling. Oh happy day.

* * * * *

Saturday, September 2, 2006 12:21 p.m.

39 new photos now loom!

I posted a record 39 photos of the Mill Creek valley and downtown from my Roads Scholaring event the other day. This means this set has to be divided into 4 parts. So point your pooper here:

* * * * *

Wednesday, August 30, 2006 05:26 p.m.

On Beekman Street...

I always thought Beekman Street was funny, didn't you? Because it's called Beekman Street, whenever I mentioned it, I always moved my hand like the beak of a bird. Get it? Get it? Get it? Get it? Get it? Get it? Get it? Get it? Get it? Get it? Get it? Get it? Get it? Get it? Get it?

Anyway, today I Roads Scholared in the area around Mill Creek, believe it or not. I made it mighty far too on the ol' bikey. I made it up to about where Beekman Street meets I-74.

This outing will be known forever for the fact that I smashed into a signpost on Beekman and hit my head really hard. (I couldn't see the signpost because the gray color blended in with the sky.) So I have an enormous headache from that.

Also on Beekman Street, I found a smashed Ashanti CD laying on the ground.

This trip probably yielded about 30 or 40 photos. Granted, a lot of them aren't great ones, but they're usable.

So I hope to have another batch of Roads Scholar pics coming up!

* * * * *

Sunday, August 27, 2006 01:00 a.m.

Nickelback got ru!

I heard a rumor that a ruined Nickelback CD was sighted the other day.

* * * * *

Thursday, August 24, 2006 06:24 p.m.

You got a brand new pair of roller skates, I got a brand new keeb...

My new computer keyboard arrived today! It wasn't expected until Saturday, but the Far Right had one pulled over on them!

Also, remember The Beach? I'm talking about the waterpark, folks. Today I goed to The Beach, for the first time since about 1997. Unfortunately, the water was about 45 degrees there today.

Some woman standing in the wave pool bubbled.

* * * * *

Sunday, August 20, 2006 07:58 p.m.

An ish is pub!

Today ish #428 of The Last Word got pub. It's only 2 pages but you can find it here:

Also the keyboard of my computer started going bad today, so I had to order a new one. So that's $75 down the portable poopot for a new keeb.

* * * * *

Sunday, August 13, 2006 12:17 a.m.

Another funny fight!

Fights can be funny.

A lot of neet poo goes on down in the Belv, and on Saturday night I went to the Bellevue Vets Carnival yet again.

I was reminded of why I go to things like this when I saw a fight! I only got to see the tail end of it, but I saw 2 or 3 burly patrolmen dragging away the culprits (who then fought the officers).

Also, some of the Kline Krew happened to be at the carnival, and I saw 2 celebrity look-alikes. The same Florence Henderson look-alike who was sighted at previous events was there, and I saw a Shadoe Stevens look-alike.

In adddition, I saw 2 people who were in such a festive mood that they bubbled.

* * * * *

Friday, August 11, 2006 11:52 p.m.

Went to the carnival again!

I went to the Belv Vets Carnival again tonight.

Nothing of interest happened though.

However some woman did bubble a blue bubble.

* * * * *

Thursday, August 10, 2006 11:38 p.m.

Another Bellevue Vets Carnival!

Tonight I goed to the Bellevue Vets Carnival.

The same Ralph Malph look-alike who was there last year was there!

But nobody bubbled.

* * * * *

Monday, August 7, 2006 10:02 p.m.

And yet another public bubbling

Earlier at SuperValu, a young woman bubbled.

* * * * *

Saturday, August 5, 2006 09:52 p.m.

On an all-time high...

Today I goed to Lexington and Frankfort, and I saw something really funny!

A person bubbled! Just joking.

Actually, in Frankfort I noticed that KY 420 uses HIGH Street. (The number 420 is associated with cannabis culture, so that's why it's so funny that a state route with that number uses a thoroughfare called High Street.)

Is that uproarious or what?

Alright, here's the basic itinerary of today's auto tour: We started off going down through Crestview, then out US 27 over to KY 536 and then out KY 177 to find a spot where I once helped dispose of the remains of an old playhouse back when I was about 12 years old. I mention that because the statute of limitations has probably expired over the past 21 years, even though I was under strict orders never to mention it to anyone back then. We went out US 27 to downtown Lexington, and we took the scenic KY 1681 over to Frankfort.

We went back through Georgetown and then went home using US 25 up to KY 14 and then along KY 17. A tiny stretch of US 25 was closed south of Corinth, which causes us to take some very minor, very narrow country roads around that. I got slightly carsick, so we almost got to see my first upchuckin' in years (since probably the Americana Bear incident).

I was disappointed not to discover any restroom vandalism on this trip, however.

Also, I didn't get a chance to get any pictures - although I probably would have if I had vomited.

* * * * *

Friday, August 4, 2006 09:30 p.m.

Moldy bread is cool

Have you ever eaten moldy bread?

I did!

Just yesterday, as a matter of fact.

I rassled me up a sandwich yesterday, and as I was eating it, I discovered something green and fuzzy growing on the crust of the sandwich. No, it wasn't Oscar the Grouch. Why, it was green mold! And a force to be reckoned with!

Now, the thing is I had already eaten most of the sandwich before I discovered this.

This was quite possibly the most disgusting mold I've ever seen on bread. Usually when I see moldy bread, it's white mold, black mold, or gray mold. But never green mold. It looked almost like a furry booger.

I checked the expiration date on the bread, and it was July 3. That's right, July 3 - even though I had just buyed the bread a few days ago. I was eating bread that was a month past its expiration date, thanks to the geniuses at the grocery insisting on selling spoiled bread instead of throwing it out.

I threw the rest of the sandwich and that loaf of bread in the trash. I guess I suffered no ill effects from eating the ruined bread. I didn't seek medical attention, but it's a death-defying life I lead, I'll take my chances...

* * * * *

Thursday, August 3, 2006 01:25 p.m.

Another old enemy of mine busted!

Welp, folks, it had to happen sooner or later.

You know, I'm getting sick of these losers. They preyed on their schoolmates 20 years ago, and now they prey on the rest of society.

Check out this article here:

Yes, I went to school with the accused bank robber. He was an asshole. He's the fuckhead who tried shoving me into a puddle of piss at Cline and said he was gonna "gaff" any schoolmate he didn't like. He was one of the first people on the old Enemies List in The Last Word, and of course he's mentioned in my book (but not by his real name).

Usually I don't provide a link when some asshat who popped off at me in school gets in trouble with the law, but this fartpipe deserves everything he gets. There's one guy from school who keeps going to jail for stuff that's not nearly as serious, but I don't hate him nearly as much, so I only mention him on the CCHS board.

Another clown is going to Stripe City!

* * * * *

Wednesday, August 2, 2006 09:57 p.m.

Another stupid bubbling report

Earlier at Golden Corral, some woman was alleged to have bubbled. I did not catch this deed firsthand, however.

* * * * *

Wednesday, August 2, 2006 01:17 p.m.

Why no updates?

I haven't updated this blog in over a week, because nothing has been happening here. Also, part of it is because I haven't been able to stay here most of the week because of the heat, so I haven't been able to work on anything.

Does that bip or what?

* * * * *

Tuesday, July 25, 2006 11:31 p.m.

New photos now waft!

The latest batch of Roads Scholaring photos has now been posted.

This set includes 10 photos, 9 of which are from yesterday. The other is from a failed Roads Scholaring attempt back in May.

Point your bunker at:

* * * * *

Monday, July 24, 2006 01:51 p.m.

I Scholar!

You know how at the zoo how they have animal cages with signs that say "I BITE"? I ought to get a sign that says "I SCHOLAR."

Today I Roads Scholared again, this time a little bit through Dayton, down to Bellevue Beach Park, and along Riverboat Row. This was a fairly minor event, but I did get a few pictures. So later on I'll post those!

* * * * *

Tuesday, July 18, 2006 12:00 a.m.

33 in a bottle of pee

I'm 33, I can do what I want! I'm 33, I can do what I want! I'm 33, I can do what I want! I'm 33, I can do what I want! I'm 33, I can do what I want! I'm 33, I can do what I want! And yooouuuuuuuuuu can't!

* * * * *

Saturday, July 15, 2006 11:32 p.m.

Another hilarious video found on YouPube

I found another really funny video on YouTube. This one features Casey Kasem doing an impression of Hitler!!!

Like I always say, read it and peep:

* * * * *

Sunday, July 9, 2006 10:23 p.m.!

I've just been told that a person was seen bubbling at Sonic. I wasn't there though, so I'm not a witness to this death-defying act.

* * * * *

Sunday, July 9, 2006 12:43 a.m.

Good news, good news, Boss!

On Saturday night I went to a concert by some band down at the local park.

Now, here's the good news: I saw one of the most hilarious celebrity look-alikes ever. You can probably guess who it was just by the header of this entry.

That's right, you dipstick! There was some guy in the audience who looked exactly like Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane! I mean, he looked just like Rosco! He had these big sideburns and even wore a blue shirt that looked like Rosco's sheriff uniform.

Also, 2 people bubbled.

* * * * *

Saturday, July 8, 2006 02:47 p.m.

Thursday's pics now posted!

Yesterday I had time to post Thursday's Roads Scholaring photos from Latonia. There's 14 pics, so they're divided into 2 parts:

Read 'em and peep!

* * * * *

Thursday, July 6, 2006 04:27 p.m.

Decoursey, of coursey

Today I Roads Scholared over in Latonia and went out on Decoursey Pike a bit. Unfortunately I didn't make it past Mason Road on Decoursey, because that's where the road gets so much worse. But anyway, I'll have 14 new Roads Scholar pics coming up soon!

Also, on the way back, I stopped and rested down at 7th & Madison where they have those seats. While I was sitting there, a young woman driving down Madison blew a bubble with bubble gum that burst and covered the whole lower part of her face. We were due for one of these, weren't we? I think the last time I saw someone do this was a year ago.

* * * * *

Tuesday, July 4, 2006 11:30 p.m.

A Fourth of July fight!

I've been told that someone saw another celebrity look-alike - this time it was a Paris Hilton look-alike - but that's not the main subject of this entry.

Rather, this entry is about the hilarious doings that occurred today for Independence Day! Oh man, was this a good, solid Fourth if there ever was one!

We went down to the Cov again for the Fourth. We were shooting off fireworks as usual, when we noticed that a bunch of people down the street were getting in a massive fight with each other. One guy pushed some other guy down on the pavement out in the middle of the street.

They fought like this for about 15 minutes, when 3 police cars showed up. The cops were lecturing this one guy, when some car sped down the street really fast and some woman got out of the car. The woman yelled something at the guy, and the cops arrested her.

'Twas kinda neat!

People were in such a festive mood that they made hats out of cardboard beer boxes and rode bikes down the street with the beer box hat down over their eyes so they couldn't see. It pibbed in a big way.

Oh yes, our fireworks. I brang along an old plastic bag of about 60 firecrackers I had. I put them out in the middle of the street and lit them, but only about 5 of them went off. But on the bright side, it did melt part of the bag.

I tried setting off the rest of the firecrackers, but our matches were so shitty that they kept going out before even touching the wick. So I blew a whole box of about 30 of the defective matches apart with a firecracker. Then I burned what was left of the matchbox.

The entire thing - detonated firecrackers, melted bag, and burned matchbox - was left in a heap in the middle of a city street in Covington.

Best of all, nature pulled one over on the Far Right by having it not rain during the entire event, despite dire weather warnings.

All in all, a fucking good Fourth!

* * * * *

Friday, June 30, 2006 11:04 a.m.

People are strange...

People are so strange, in fact, that they bubble.

I was told the other day that some girl bubbled as she was driving around in her car.

* * * * *

Wednesday, June 28, 2006 11:59 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #427 is here!

Ish #427 of The Last Word now looms!

In this ish: more of NKU's fascism, and the rightism of Yahoo.

For now, however, my main site is overloaded, so you can find the latest ish here instead:

But in a few days when my main site comes back, you'll be able to find the latest ish here:

* * * * *

Wednesday, June 28, 2006 02:53 p.m.

Another restaurant bubbling

Earlier at Don Pablo's, a woman entering the restaurant bubbled.

* * * * *

Saturday, June 24, 2006 06:54 p.m.

The usual horsebunk

Not much has been going on here lately.

I've discovered that the problem with placing students' accounts on hold is pandemic throughout the entire Kentucky higher education system and isn't limited to just me. They just put students' accounts on hold automatically without the student having to do anything to justify it first, so you have to call the school to tell them to remove the hold.

In other words, Kentucky taxpayers just spent thousands on a new computer system that lets students sign up for classes online, and students aren't even able to use it. Typical Ernieism.

I've been told that another celebrity look-alike was sighted in public. This time it was a Valerie Bertinelli look-alike. (That's one celebrity who I forgot about for many years.)

Also, the local media is back to promoting "drought" mania, I see. You notice I haven't done much outdoors in recent weeks, because it's been raining so much. Yet today there was an article in the paper about local produce outputs lagging, which the article blamed on the "drought."

What drought?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Everyone in the chat room I frequent knows there hasn't been a drought in my area, because they can attest to the fact that almost every night I say, "The sky is ripping bunker blasts." Also, anyone who's looked at any of my recent Roads Scholar pics can see how high the rivers and creeks are. So the media's proven full of shit again.

I know there have been poor crop yields this year though. If it's weather related, it could be because of either extreme heat or too much rain. But there's no drought here, for Pete's sake! (Also, although this has been an unusually hot June, the article also tries to blame cold weather this month. So the article claims it's been cool and dry, when really it's been hot and rainy. Go figure.)

* * * * *

Tuesday, June 20, 2006 05:38 p.m.

First time in 10 years...

If I'm not mistaken, I started my main website in June 1996, so I've had it 10 years this month. I just discovered, however, that something has now happened that had (as far as I know) never happened in the 10 years I've had my site.

For the first time that I know of, my main site has become so popular that it overloaded my transfer limit (and only two-thirds of the way through the month, no less). And that's with a good ISP too. Even a fine ISP like mine has limits, and it's one of the most generous ISP's there is regarding bandwidth.

I didn't think it would ever happen, because I thought my website's popularity peaked in 1999. I guess the book sales have been helping it.

Meanwhile there was another spike in book sales on Barnes & Noble's site.

* * * * *

Tuesday, June 20, 2006 02:46 p.m.

"Fart 3 times...on the ceiling if you want me..."

Bunker blasts at libraries are becoming as common as bubblings at Kroger.

Today I went to the Kenton County Public Library in Covington. I was browsing the nonfiction section, and I heard 3 audible bunkeroos in close vicinity. The second one was loud enough that I'm sure that it could be heard by patrons other than the farter and myself.

'Twas kinda funny.

* * * * *

Wednesday, June 14, 2006 11:28 p.m.

Aw fuck, not this shit again

Well, well, well, and well (to quote Boss Hogg).

A strange thing happened today.

I tried to register online for classes for next fall. The e-mail from Gateway says any student who completed classes in the spring semester can register online for fall, so I attempted to do just that.

But I get online and discover that a hold has been placed on my enrollment there.

Oh, darn. Wonder why. It couldn't possibly be because the most recent issue of The Last Word criticized Kentucky's higher education system for its "free speech for me, not for thee" attitude, could it be?

It couldn't possibly be because of some dumb crap I did in kindergarten in 1978, because that would just be silly. Although maybe it is due to that, since people seem to hold grudges for a long time.

The past semester at Gateway was probably the only one in my entire school career in which I didn't get in trouble for anything. (Actually I don't think I really got in trouble the first few semesters at NKU, except with idiots from high school starting crap. I don't think I actually got in trouble with school authorities.) So why is there a hold on my account?!?!?!

NKU pulled this shit once, but that was after I was expelled from there and tried to enroll several years later.

Well, I guess I won't be going back to school in the fall after all.

* * * * *

Tuesday, June 13, 2006 06:27 p.m.

Bunker blasts at the libe

Earlier I went to the library in Newport, and someone farted audibly 4 times. These weren't really loud farts though. They just made a little "brrupp" sound that probably didn't carry more than a couple of aisles. They were loud enough to be heard though.

* * * * *

Friday, June 9, 2006 09:44 p.m.

Purple baste, purple baste...

Hahahahaha! Q-102 just played "PURPLE BASTE"!!!

* * * * *

Tuesday, June 6, 2006 08:43 p.m.

Yesterday's photos now posted!

Earlier today I was able to post the 14 photos I took while Roads Scholaring in the ol' H.H. and Wilder yesterday. These might not be the best ones, but there's enough that I had to divide them into 2 parts:

* * * * *

Monday, June 5, 2006 05:27 p.m.

Scholarin' in the Big H.H.!

Today I Roads Scholared.

I went out Fort Thomas Avenue and US 27 to Highland Heights. It was a chore in and of itself just to get to Fort Thomas Avenue from the Belv on a bike. The best way is that steep hill on O'Fallon, so that shows you just how hard it is.

I zipped about Highland Heights, particularly on roads that were ruined by I-275 and I-471. It seems like almost every road in this batch had a big pile of garbage at the end that looked like it's been piling up for 30 years.

I then went down Three Mile Road into Wilder. At the junction with Gibson Lane, I was confronted with the untimely poppage of yet another inner tube, because the tube was defective. The valve stem had a big split at the base, because the tube was so poorly made. What a piece of shit that tube was. While I was changing the tire, something mildly amusing happened: A boy who was about 10 years old riding in a car that zipped by called out, "Hey, I pooped in the woods!"

I continued on this endangered road to Licking Pike. Getting home from there was as much of a chore as going up O'Fallon, despite the more agreeable terrain. Licking Pike from near Moock Road almost to 12th Street in Newport has no sidewalks, nor does it have shoulders that are usable. And people drive like maniacs. So I basically had to walk the bike through the grass along the road for almost 2 miles.

I think there will be a few pictures of this outing posted later.

Also, I did see a person bubbling down on 12th.

* * * * *

Friday, June 2, 2006 10:47 p.m.

Pump pump pump up the bubbling...pump up...

Earlier at Kroger, a young woman bubbled a big bubble.

* * * * *

Thursday, June 1, 2006 07:19 p.m.

More rumors of a trashed restroom

I've just been told that a public bathroom in Hahira, GA, was found utterly trashed!

It was FILTHY! There was mysterious sludge in the sinks and garbage all over the floor! The lavatory also lacked soap and smelled of pee!

Isn't it funny when restrooms get trashed?

* * * * *

Sunday, May 28, 2006 11:19 p.m.

Another bunker blast for your amusement

Earlier at my mom's house, a silent but deadly bunker blast wafted.

* * * * *

Friday, May 26, 2006 07:48 p.m.

Another computer circling the drain!

Welp, yet another computer is on its way out!

Earlier, my Compaq, which is less than 3 years old, just shut off and started making a beeping noise. When I got it working again, a dialog popped up saying it was a driver problem that couldn't be specified.

So, it looks like this computer might be on its way out. So if you don't see any new entries here for a while, that might be why.

It could be something caused by the drive from the previous computer being used as a secondary drive, and having to prop it up with duct tape inside this computer for the past 3 years because it wouldn't fit in the slot, but I don't know. In any event, I removed the secondary drive.

* * * * *

Thursday, May 25, 2006 06:36 p.m.

Brossart thought police proven to be full of shit - again!

Welp, I found out the other day I got straight A's this past semester at Gateway.

More proof that Bro$$art was full of shit. I never failed a year of school anywhere except Bro$$art, which proves what liars they are. If I'm counting correctly, I went to 11 schools, yet at 10 of them I never flunked a whole year.

I want to hear Bro$$art's supporters who always insist the school can do no wrong try to explain that one.

* * * * *

Monday, May 22, 2006 01:53 a.m.

Celebrity look-alikes: a nationwide phenomenon!

Remember that Nazi named Phil Gramm who hated poor people? I've been told that a Phil Gramm look-alike was sighted on a cross-country airline flight!

Also, in California, a guy who resembles Bob of Sesame Street was sighted.

In addition, a person reportedly bubbled at the Indianapolis airport.

* * * * *

Sunday, May 21, 2006 11:34 p.m.

Friday's road pics now posted!

It took a few days, but posted they now are. I had so many pictures that I had to split them into 3 parts:

* * * * *

Friday, May 19, 2006 08:05 p.m.

Roads Scholarin' in the Cov!

When I woke up this morn, I noticed a big, bright, yellow ball in the sky - which I vaguely remembered from many years ago. I seem to remember it being called the sun. It had been ages since it was shining here however, so I took this opportunity to go Roads Scholaring!

All sorts of neet poo goes on down in the Cov. I had read an article about a week ago warning of the impending destroyment of the area around 11th or 12th, so I had to document this area before it was too late.

I did take the ol' digital camera, and I managed to get 25 photos, because there were a lot of sights that were in serious danger. I'll have them up sometime soon.

While I was out Scholarin', I saw a Mr. Hooper look-alike driving past in his car.

* * * * *

Thursday, May 18, 2006 02:36 p.m.

Have no fear, ish #426 is here!

It's been less than a month since the previous ish of The Last Word, and now ish #426 is already pub!

This one is 8 pages, though there's a humongous 4-page article about NKU's selective attention to free speech.

Point your bunker at:

* * * * *

Tuesday, May 16, 2006 08:59 p.m.

Pooing is cool

And funny!

* * * * *

Monday, May 8, 2006

Bull's out for summer!

Welp, school (or bull, as I always called it) is out! I had all my final exams today, so that bips, doesn't it?

Right now I'm on the computer in the student lounge here at Gateway (the Highland Heights campus) entering this entry. Assuming nothing else happens today, this will be the first semester in years in which I didn't get into serious trouble over something. I went to NKU for 6 semesters from 1992-95, and I got in at least moderate-sized trouble at least once in each of the last 4 semesters I went there, thanks to NKU's fascism.

Weird. Guess that proves all the trouble at NKU wasn't my doing, because if it was, I'd still be getting in trouble at Gateway. Oh well. I guess that's to be expected of NKU, the land where "free speech for me, but not for thee" seems to be the rule.

Actually I did vandalize a record player at NKU once by putting the needle on a taco wrapper and smearing sauce all over it, but NKU deserved it because of the way I was treated there.

So anyway, a semester at Gateway is now complete and shan't be taken away (try as though the Far Right might).

* * * * *

Monday, May 1, 2006 06:47 p.m.

Lou Reed throws a tantrum

Today at school was a slight improvement over last week when absolutely nothing of interest happened, because the Lou Reed look-alike threw a tantrum because the vending machine in the student lounge didn't work right.

He tried inserting a dollar bill into the dollar slot, but it kept rejecting the dollar. So he said, "Fuck!" and threw a big wad of bills on the ground. Then he went over to another machine, and he had trouble with it too. He said, "Fuck it! Fuck it!" and stormed off.

Also, I saw 2 people bubbling at school today.

In addition, I heard a rumor that a young woman bubbled a big blue bubble at a store and that the word "ruin" is becoming increasingly popular on daytime soap operas.

* * * * *

Saturday, April 29, 2006 05:31 p.m.

Just when you thought it was safe...

Just when you thunk you were safe from Roads Scholaring, I've now posted those 5 photos from 2002 that I discovered recently.

Nothing spectacular here, but you can find them at:

* * * * *

Wednesday, April 26, 2006 03:08 p.m.!

Earlier some woman walking across Fairfield Avenue bubbled.

* * * * *

Monday, April 24, 2006 01:20 a.m.

An ish is, pub...

An ish is, pub...

An ish is, pub...

An ish is, pub...

Yes, a doggone ish is pub!

Issue #425 of The Last Word is out, and it's an 8-pager! And a damn good one!

In this ish, we talk about one state's effort to impeach the Great Leader, a pot law that ought to be flushed down the pot, lots of poo humor, and more!

Read it and peep:

* * * * *

Friday, April 21, 2006 10:59 p.m.

Tuesday's photos now posted

My Roads Scholaring pictures from Tuesday are now up for the whole wide world to ogle!

* * * * *

Friday, April 21, 2006 05:55 p.m.

Bubbling season must be here

Earlier at SuperValue, both the cashier and the bag guy bubbled.

* * * * *

Thursday, April 20, 2006 02:11 p.m.

Erica, I can't function

I've been informed that someone uttered the magic word (RUIN) on All My Children the other day, which brings me to some funny shit about that show.

I remember around the time I was in high school in the early '90s, my mom always taped All My Children off the TV while she was at work and watched it in the evening. This was around the time Dimitri joined the cast.

Personally, I'm not a big soap opera fan. But I became quite familiar with what was happening on All My Children around that time, because I was exposed to it so much. I always did my homework in the living room and made a whole bunch of noise while my mom was watching All My Children. She always got really mad because I always laughed at all the silly stuff that happened on that show.

One of my favorite jokes was about Dimitri being impotent and saying, "Erica, I can't function." Maybe it wasn't Erica he said this to, but one of the other women on the show. I always did an impression of Dimitri saying this, in that deep voice he had.

I remember how for college I had to fill out a very detailed financial aid form, and my mom had to fill out some parts of it, because it asked about parents' income and stuff. My mom started filling it out while she was watching All My Children. But I kept goofing off and making fun of the show, and every time Dimitri appeared, I kept making jokes about Dimitri because he "can't function."

So my mom got really, REALLY mad! It was UPROARIOUS!!!

Now I haven't seen that show in years!

* * * * *

Thursday, April 20, 2006 02:01 p.m.

A book I have to order just because of one chapter!

Oh man, oh man, oh man!

This is hilarious!

I was browsing Amazon and I came across a book I'm gonna order just because one chapter looks like it's uproarious!!!

It's a book about the board game Monopoly. Most of it's about strategies for the professional Monopoly player, but I don't plan on playing Monopoly anytime soon (because America's current economic structure is like a real-life game of Monopoly). I just want the book because of the final chapter (the epilogue), which is called...

"How To Deal With Tantrums"

Man, I bet that is a funny, funny, FUNNY chapter!!!

Fortunately, there are used copies available for as little as $1.85. Where else can you get so much entertainment for such a low price?

The book is from 1974, but Monopoly tantrums are so timeless that I'm sure the information hasn't changed in the past 32 years.

* * * * *

Tuesday, April 18, 2006 06:49 p.m.


Nothing really happened at school yesterday. Otherwise I would have mentioned it here.

* * * * *

Tuesday, April 18, 2006 06:20 p.m.

More Roads Scholaring and a Brian Hamrick sighting!

Today I had a very, very productive Roads Scholaring session, and I didn't even intend to. I was out for 6 hours. I intended just to go to one end of Dayton and back for exercise, but I managed to continue out KY 8 to Silver Grove. Don't ask me how, because parts of it are totally unbikeable.

I then went up Uhl Road, but I had to drag the hulking velocipede up a really bad hill there, since there's no way anyone could possibly ride a bike up it. Then I went home on US 27, Fort Thomas Avenue, and Dayton Pike.

How I did it, I'll never know.

Out on KY 8 in the rural part of Fort Thomas, I found a Channel 5 news van just parked there. I think it was at a driveway that goes down to one of those pumping stations. I saw Brian Hamrick (the reporter from Channel 5) get out of the van and ask one of the water department people something. I think it was for a story on a big power outage that was on the news later.

Over on KY 8 near there, I found a broken Still Rain CD resting along the road. Along the road in Silver Grove, I found a smashed Black Sabbath CD and a ruined DMX CD. Later, on Dayton Pike, I found a broken 50 Cent CD laying in the grass along the roadway.

This outing yielded probably 20 or 30 somewhat decent photos, and I expected to not get a single damn photo when I left this morning. I haven't processed today's photos yet though.

Also, remember about 3 years ago when some asshole signed up a fake account on an online personals site under my e-mail account, and how I wasn't able to delete the account - and how I got even by signing up a fake account and using a gigantic picture that took up bandwidth on the site? Well, I thought they deleted the fake account, but now I'm receiving e-mails from people who actually saw the fake account I set up. So now I know it's working and that's probably used up a lot of bandwidth. Good! It serves the personals site so fucking right!

* * * * *

Friday, April 14, 2006 01:38 p.m.

And another

I've now been informed that a Larry David look-alike was sighted at Max & Erma's.

But he didn't bubble.

* * * * *

Thursday, April 13, 2006 08:15 p.m.

A funny celebrity look-alike!

Remember Miz Tisdale, the elderly mail lady on The Dukes Of Hazzard who rode a motorcycle? Today at Kroger I saw a customer who looked just like her!

Also, I'm told that someone on the Food Channel said the magic word today. The chef was making grilled cheese sandwiches and started to eat one when it was ready and he said, "Let's not ruin this with talk."

RUIN, everyone, RUIN!

* * * * *

Wednesday, April 12, 2006 02:07 p.m.

Yesterday's pics now up!

Late last night I got yesterday's new batch of Roads Scholar photos posted. I was too tired to post anything about it here though. Anyway, since there's 22 pictures, I had to divide them into 2 parts...

Do keep in mind that Roads Scholaring is primarily a springtime hobby, so don't expect to find new photos every week like there's been for the past 3 weeks.

Speaking of the first signs of spring...ahem. Ahem ahem ahem...

Today I went to the bank, and guess what one of the tellers did? Just guess. She bubbled.

This is the first time I've seen anyone blow a bubble with bubble gum since October, for bubbling is primarily a warm weather sport.

* * * * *

Tuesday, April 11, 2006 06:55 p.m.

Ooh, a secret!

Remember about 2 years ago when I made a big deal of finding a secret bridge in Cincinnati? Welp, today I Roads Scholared there, and I was actually on the bridge!!!

There's got to be an Allowed Cloud against that! I was so thrilled about actually being on the bridge that I just about bipped!

For that reason alone, this turned out to be one of the best Roads Scholaring outings ever, or at least in this decade.

You don't know how thrilling it is for a Roads Scholar to visit an apparently off-limits area like the secret bridge! Now it's not such a secret, is it?

And I've got 22 - count 'em, 22 - new photos from today to document the incident! You'll be seein' 'em later!

* * * * *

Monday, April 10, 2006 08:56 p.m.

Midterms were today!

Welp, I had midterms today at school.

Not a damn thing interesting happened today though. In fact this has probably been the least eventful semester of school I've ever had.

I may do some Roads Scholaring tomorrow, if we work hard, if we behave.

* * * * *

Friday, April 7, 2006 11:11 p.m.

People's Forum mysteriously reappears

Over the past couple days, one of the strangest things that's happened in probably about 10 years has been happening here. I'm not really sure what to make of this, but anyway here it goes...

Yesterday I got some really cryptic e-mails about the domain name. I clicked on the link, and found that somehow leads to my main website. I guess they just gave me this domain name out of the blue.

Gee, thanks, whoever decided to just give me their domain name. I let my old domain name expire a few years ago, so it's fun to have a domain name again.

Ya gotta admit, "ruin" is a funny word, which is why I use this word a lot. I'm actually really serious-minded, but I still laugh when I hear the word "ruin". My twisted sense of humor keeps me going in today's uncertain world!

Now something even weirder happened today. I got another mysterious e-mail, this one informing me that the People's Forum has been restarted as a phpBB message board. Sure enough, I clicked on that link, and found my old People's Forum logo adorning a phpBB board.

Welp, there it is. I'm a little surprised by this, and I'm not sure what to make of it, but I guess they're serious. Gee, thanks, whoever gave me a new People's Forum.

I quickly grabbed the reins of this new People's Forum. I haven't figured out all the phpBB goodies yet, but I've started working on it.

Now that it's up, here's the link for it (yes, it's on

You know what? I've been in such a good mood the past few weeks that I'm letting you post freely on it. Let's see how long it takes for idiots like GeneralDiaper (or whatever that person's handle was) to start abusing it. (Not very long, I bet.)

And by the way, I abandoned the old People's Forum on EZboard about 2 years ago because EZboard installed a mandatory cuss filter. I didn't want the cuss filter, but they took away my option of removing it. I could go into more detail some other time about all the incarnations of the People's Forum I've had over the past 8 years.

* * * * *

Thursday, April 6, 2006 07:13 p.m.

Roads Scholar pics from yesterday posted!

Yesterday's jaunt to the southwest section of Newport yielded 5 fine photos. Read 'em and peep:

* * * * *

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 06:10 p.m.

I rocked down to Electric Avenue!

Guess what I did today?

I Roads Scholared, that's what.

Yesterday I noticed someone slashed my bike tire (again), but I fixed that and went to the store. Today I decided to do some Scholarin' in the Newp, this time on the southwest side. Thus I also ended up in Wilder and Southgate.

A few highlights and lowlights some of you Roads Scholars might be interested in...

The last known yellow stop sign in Northern Kentucky intended for actual roadway traffic is now bye-bye. It was at 9th & Lowell, and it was still standing last year.

I went up Overlook Drive, which I intended to be the major attraction of this outing. The other day, my mom tried to drive her car up this road, but the road was in such hilariously bad condition that she couldn't drive up there. I mean, it's in horrible condition! So I went up there to investigate.

I mostly went out Grandview and into a new subdivision in Wilder, and then down into Southgate. I was on Electric Avenue! Does that pib or what?

Oh, and there's gonna be 5 interesting photos of this event coming your way!

* * * * *

Monday, April 3, 2006 05:20 p.m.

Someone said "ruin" on 'ER'!

Not much happened at school today.

I've just been informed that someone uttered the magic word on ER!

Also, I may do some Roads Scholaring this week, perhaps even tomorrow. The 'Nati might be a good place to go.

* * * * *

Saturday, April 1, 2006 11:09 p.m.

Magical Mystery Tour pics finally up!

I finally got around to posting my photos from the trip to Vermont back in October. There's only 9 pictures, and they're mostly along the same stretch of road. But you can check them out here:

* * * * *

Thursday, March 30, 2006 03:28 p.m.

Roads Scholar photos now posted!

I didn't do any real Roads Scholaring today, since there's nothing else as close as southeast Newport that's in need of immediate attention.

But I did post a set of 12 very interesting, but somewhat sad, photos from yesterday's event:

You're gonna dig these pictures! You've probably never seen anything quite like them! They're a part of history, so look at them lovingly!

* * * * *

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 06:00 p.m.

I Roads Scholared today!

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood, and I didn't have school or work, so I Roads Scholared.

And tomorrow's supposed to have decent weather too. So I may do it again. (What song was that from anyway? It was one of those songs the old Channel Z used to play in the mid-'90s, I think.)

Today I did the southeast section of Newport. I have 12 interesting pictures that I plan on posting later. Tomorrow I might go over to the 'Nati! Won't that pib? Might, not will, so don't get your hopes up.

If not, then I'm going to get to work on my next book. A week or two ago, I noticed a huge spike in sales on Barnes & Noble that brang the sales rank of my first book up into the 100,000s (which is extremely high for an indie book). So I may be raking in some big bucks pretty soon, if that's any indication.

* * * * *

Monday, March 27, 2006 06:11 p.m.

Something kind of funny at school

There's a classmate in my computer class who spends every class looking up websites about racing cars and car parts. He never does anything that's actually related to this class. I know this because he usually sits in the row right in front of my row.

Today he insisted on borrowing my book because he didn't bother to have his book with him. But when I needed my book back, he just spent the rest of the class looking at auto racing sites again, because he didn't have his book.

But nobody bubbled.

* * * * *

Saturday, March 25, 2006 01:41 p.m.

Some Roads Scholaring on the way!

Here it comes, folks!

You better run, you better take cover!

Pretty soon (providing the permacloud goes away) I'm gonna get out Mr. Bikey and do some Rooooooooooads Scholarin'!

Won't that pib?

Here's some possible nearby places I plan on doing: The southeast section of Newport is one. They already tore down a bunch of the houses the city stole so they could put that development in, but I believe there's still some standing. Also, that one street is barricaded, which signals that it's about to meet its end, so I need to document this for historic purposes. I wish I knew to do such a thing back before the rightists destroyed Spooky Hollow to build I-471, but I was too young to know any better.

Because of the invention of digital photography, it's a lot easier and cheaper to document this stuff now, much like I did with Baymiller Street in Queensgate a couple years ago.

Speaking of Queensgate, another good Roads Scholaring site is the 8th Street Viaduct. There's still some neat stuff along that structure I want to get before that stuff goes away too.

Another possible site is KY 8 in Ludlow. I believe a section of this route has been rebuilt, so I wish I had documented it before the reconstruction began. But now it's too late...

Any public site within a few miles that's endangered is a good candidate for my next Roads Scholaring.

So be prepared, people! Don't be surprised to see me back in that bright part of town! (That's the third '80s lyrics reference in this entry, for those keeping track.)

* * * * *

Friday, March 24, 2006 12:51 a.m.

Mischief Arby's!

Welp, my caravan of counterculture cohorts helped boost the mischief rating for Thursday, and there's yet another computer virus to contend with, so anyway...

On Thursday evening, I happened to be present when one of those big plastic trays they put your food on at Arby's got tossed in the trash can. 'Twas kinda nifty!

After I got home, my computer picked up some virus that uses the filename ddccy.dll, which I think is that Winfixer virus. My virus detection software whines that it can't remove this program, so I'm hoping Spy Sweeper can get rid of it.

I really need to update my backups, since my computer has clearly been specifically targeted for viruses. (Gee, I wonder why.)

* * * * *

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 06:36 p.m.

Martha Stewart talks about basting and ruining stuff




I've just been informed that the other day on Martha Stewart's show, Martha talked about BASTING food with wine and how the food will get RUINED if it's not BASTED properly!

Isn't that funny?

(But Martha didn't bubble.)

* * * * *

Monday, March 20, 2006 05:34 p.m.

Low attendance

Nothing happened at school today, because hardly anybody even showed up! Probably over two-thirds of the class didn't bother to show up today. I could tell this made the professor mad!

* * * * *

Monday, March 13, 2006 06:49 p.m.

Another day of school fun

Not much happened at school today. Once again, about half the class failed to show up.

The spot where someone wrote "FUCK" on the wall in the restroom was finally cleaned up after at least 2 months. However, I also noticed that someone peed all over the floor in front of the toilet.

* * * * *

Thursday, March 9, 2006 10:08 p.m.

I did it my way...

I think it's time we need to stop tipetoeing around the fact that spyware is virusware.

The BlackWorm virus hit my computer this morning (thanks to Norton AntiVirus not detecting BlackWorm until after it does its damage). I think Norton removed the virus after it did its business, but the spyware it exposed me to remained. The spyware itself was like a virus in that it kept opening up about 5 windows on my web browser all at once and freezing up my computer.

At very minimum, it's trespassing - unlike what the fascists at NKU call trespassing, but that's another matter. But America is no longer a nation of laws, and therefore there are no consequences - but again, that's another matter too.

One of the spyware programs was that MyWay crap that removed the address bar from my browser. I dealt with MyWay my way, by doing the ol' Add/Remove programs thing.

I think I also got rid of most of the other spyware - viruses, rather. But I know not all of it's gone, and that's why the repairperson is going to look at my computer tomorrow morning.

So if you don't see any new entries for a while, it's because my computer got trashed by BlackWorm and I don't know it yet.

* * * * *

Thursday, March 2, 2006 01:32 p.m.

Fun at Frisch's

I know the header "Fun at Frisch's" seems self-contradicting, but yesterday I received a mildly amusing story of something someone did at a Frisch's Big Boy restaurant.

I remember Frisch's having really good onion rings up until the '80s or so. Onion rings were one of their best and most famous menu items. I know their onion rings aren't nearly as good now as they used to be (but then again, nothing is).

Anyway, someone tells us that they went to a Frisch's yesterday to get supper. The customer tried ordering onion rings, but Frisch's was out of onion rings. So the customer tried ordering Butterfinger cheesecake, but the lady working there said Frisch's doesn't have Butterfinger cheesecake anymore - even though this item is right there on the menu, staring the world in the face.

So the customer declared, "Then take it off the menu!" and canceled the rest of the order. The customer then walked out of Frisch's and drove away! So Frisch's lost one customer's business yesterday evening.

I wish I was there to see this incident unfold! I bet it was hilarious to see in person!

* * * * *

Tuesday, February 28, 2006 02:39 a.m.

Have no fear! Year #15 is here!

Actually, The Last Word has only been around since 1993, but I count 2006 as volume #15, because I started a new volume after I came back from retirement in 1996.

Anyway, the first ish of 2006 is ish #424 overall, and it's out now!

The latest issue talks about some new right-wing foibles. I figured The Last Word was due for a revamp, so you may notice some subtle changes in layout. It works beautifully on my browser, so hopefully it will look right on yours too! The layout of The Last Word was just getting really obsolete, so I either had to fix it, or The Last Word had to go. It's as simple as that.

Check out the latest ish at:

Also, I forgot to tell you that I don't have school next week because I'll be on spring break.

* * * * *

Monday, February 27, 2006 08:17 p.m.

A somewhat dull day, but with some minor amusements

Today in computer class, some guy who I didn't recognize sat in the back of the classroom for the first half of class and mumbled to himself the whole time.

Also, some guy in my class got skeeped at by the professor for using the computers for personal use during class lectures. The professor was roaming around the room, and she saw that this student was doing something on the computer that had absolutely nothing to do with the course. It looked like the student was editing the Wikipedia article on motorcycles, though I wasn't close enough to see for certain. The professor said something to the effect of, "That has nothing to do with this class."

* * * * *

Thursday, February 23, 2006 11:57 a.m.

Give a hoot! Steal some cereal!

Last night I had one of the weirdest dreams I can ever remember having.

In this strange dream, the Kroger in Bellevue accused me of shoplifting a box of cereal. I think it was Kix or Honey Comb or something. When they accused me of stealing it, I was still inside the store, in the frozen foods aisle, and I had the cereal box right there in my shopping cart (instead of under my shirt or something).

The Campbell County Recorder ran a large half-page article about the episode and printed my mugshot. The article got my last name wrong, due to a bureaucratic mix-up at the courthouse. The piece had some funny headline like "Mayoral hopeful arrested over cereal."

'Twas quite an amusing dream!

* * * * *

Tuesday, February 21, 2006 10:05 p.m.

Pinched nerves are fun

For the past couple days I've had a pinched nerve in my foot. Hurt like high hell it does.

* * * * *

Tuesday, February 21, 2006 12:40 a.m.

Yet another important anniversary

We're right around the time of what for me personally is yet another major school-related anniversary. I don't know the exact date, but it had to have been February or perhaps March of 1986.

I'm talking about My Very First Expulsion (the one from Cline).

Twenty years of being expelled! Amazing!

* * * * *

Friday, February 17, 2006 02:05 a.m.

I'll never be your baste of burden...


They're playing "BASTE OF BURDEN"!!!

* * * * *

Monday, February 13, 2006 08:07 p.m.

What a pooey day

Not much happened in school today. I think I detected a brief whiff of a trouser sneeze in the student lounge, but that's about it.

Next Monday is Presidents Day, so I won't have school next week unless a class gets rescheduled.

Also, I've encountered the Lou Reed look-alike on every day I've had school so far this semester.

* * * * *

Wednesday, February 8, 2006 01:36 p.m.

Another Cletus bubbling

I discovered another episode of The Dukes Of Hazzard in which Cletus bubbled while chasing the Dukes. This one was actually before the famous episode where he bubbled using gray bubble gum.

In the February 20, 1981, episode, Cletus bubbled using what appeared to be standard light pink gum. I don't ever remember seeing this episode ever before, so this must have been the one I missed for that portrait. I probably couldn't catch it in the reruns because we went most of the summer without a TV.

And so, Cletus bubbled again!

* * * * *

Monday, February 6, 2006 08:25 p.m.

Dammit! No oaptag stories today!

Not much happened at my college classes this week, much to your chagrin. Somebody did pull the classic prank of locking a restroom stall door and crawling out of the stall underneath the door, but that's it.

* * * * *

Sunday, February 5, 2006 09:50 p.m.

Fuck the Super Bowl

Is the Super Bowl over now, or is it still on? I don't know, because I sure as shit ain't watching it.

* * * * *

Monday, January 30, 2006 11:07 p.m.

A mini-oaptag happened today

Today at school, I thought there was going to be a repeat of the famous oaptag lecture.

In computer class, we had a very difficult test where we had to print something out on the printer that's hooked up to the computer network in the classroom. (This is a communal printer that's hooked up to all the computers at once.) When I got to the printer to get my printout, I noticed someone had used one of the computers to access and print out the entire intro screens of the Def Leppard and Hulk Hogan fan websites.

I found a big pile of about 5 sheets of paper on which someone had printed hi-res photos and the intricate Def Leppard logo from these sites. The printer in that room uses very thick paper, and it uses really good ink that doesn't smudge. I'm not sure if it's a laser printer or not, but I think it might be, and laser printers use very expensive ink.

In other words, somebody had wasted perfectly good paper and ink printing out Def Leppard and Hulk Hogan pictures that had absolutely nothing to do with school! And then they just tossed the printouts aside without even keeping them.

I'm a guy who usually cries when perfectly good paper is wasted, but I almost burst out laughing when I saw this!

Later, the professor told the class that our class grade would be based not only on our test scores but also on how well we pay attention. She said something to the effect of, "Some of you have been using the computers in here for stuff that has nothing to do with this class." I don't know if she was referring to the Hulk Hogan and Def Leppard printouts or not, but she probably was.

So yeah, this was kind of a rerun of the hilarious oaptag lecture from 5th grade. Pretty funny when you think about it. So I guess that paper and ink weren't wasted in vain.

* * * * *

Friday, January 27, 2006 01:12 p.m.

Oh man, this one's gonna be good!

You may have have noticed lately that I haven't mentioned getting any harassing phone calls. That's because about a month ago I had to have my number changed, because I was receiving the same threatening phone call about once every 45 minutes, like clockwork. It couldn't be traced, and of course Cincinnati Bell wouldn't help track them down, because they wanted me to spend $12 to change my number.

I've had to do this before. Without fail, someone always finds out the new number within a few weeks, and the calls resume. I know the fact that my new number is getting out is an inside job at the phone company, and I know this for reasons I'm not getting into here.

Not surprisingly, the harassing phone calls have resumed, and they've been traced to various toll-free 800 and 888 numbers. But that was all I knew, because I tried calling them back only to get a busy signal, and I couldn't find any mention of these numbers on the Internet.

Well, this morning I was rousted out of bed early by yet another such call, this one traceable to an 888 number.

So I got on the Internet later and traced it to a campaign office of one John Spencer, a right-wing Republican running for the U.S. Senate in the state of New York. (He was once the mayor of Yonkers. I don't know if he was mayor when the city kept getting in trouble for fair housing violations though.)

I've got the full phone number jotted down on a green bank receipt on the table next to my bed, in the sort of messy writing you'd expect from someone being rousted from their sleep.

I am going to be damn sure my friends who read DU and DailyKos find out about this, because there's a lot of people there who share my belief that if you're running for Senate, you damn sure don't let a bunch of thirty-something playground bullies work on your campaign!

Now I'm waiting for "Elmer Fudd" to launch a big diatribe ranting about how it was my fault for something I did when I was 5 years old.

Also, if I ever find a copy of the police report I made back in 1998 or 1999 about those harassing e-mails I was receiving, I'll scan it in and post it on my site. Just so you know I haven't forgotten about that.

By the way, this is also going to earn Spencer an entry on the Conservative Fool Of The Day blog, of which I'm a major contributor.

* * * * *

Monday, January 23, 2006 05:49 p.m.

Like Cline without the fascism

So far, my new school has been like Cline without all the things that made Cline so miserable.

Originally I was going to say it was like Brossart without all the things that made that school so horrid, but comparing it with Bro$$art wouldn't be fair to my current school. Besides, it would be misleading, because almost everything about Brossart was awful, so if you take all the negative aspects of Brossart away there's hardly anything left.

What I mean when I compare my community college to Cline minus the fascism is that something major got ruined at school today, and it was quite hilarious. Somebody poured an entire 20-ounce bottle of 7-Up down inside the keyboard of one of the computers in the student lounge.

The keyboard was utterly ru!

Also, I saw a celebrity look-alike. Two weeks ago, I noticed some middle-aged guy who resembled a certain celebrity, but I just couldn't figure out who. Today I saw him again, and finally I figured out that he looks like Lou Reed!

* * * * *

Saturday, January 21, 2006 12:20 p.m.

Bob Evans, down on the farm...

I've just been informed that the bathroom at a Bob Evans restaurant in Centerville, OH, was totally trashed!

The toilet seat had pee sprinkled all over it, and there were bits of toilet paper all over the floor!

* * * * *

Monday, January 16, 2006 12:47 p.m.

Some rules for you to break

I don't have school today, since it's a federal holiday, so I'm going to regale you with some of the ridiculosity found in the student handbook.

Now, I read the handbook a couple months back, and I got a good laugh from it. Keep in mind that this is a state-supported community college, not a private school or an elementary or high school, so you'd think we'd be treated more like adults.

According to a school rule, if you get convicted of a minor drug offense while you're a student - even if the offense doesn't happen at school or a school function - you're required to notify the school within 5 days.

Yeah, right. Like it's any of the school's damn business.

Apparently, 2 such minor convictions while you're a student results in expulsion, even if the offenses don't take place at school.

So they're trying to keep students in suspended animation when they're not actually at school. Lovely.

No similarly tough rule exists against bullies. Of course. The school would rather have bullies than stoners, I guess. Oh well, that's the Kentucky education system for ya!

An equally hilarious and stupid rule is...


Hahahaha. Yeah, right. Nothing real specific here. But they do expect students to dress as if they're employed in whichever industry they're studying for a career in.

Somehow I don't think my classmates take that rule real seriously, for half of them showed up in Korn t-shirts last week. I'm glad people are ignoring the dress code, since this is a public college after all.

Honestly, what are they gonna do if someone disobeys the dress code? Are they gonna send them to the office for swats or something?

As we said in the olden days: Stupid rules are meant to be ignored!

* * * * *

Saturday, January 14, 2006 11:00 p.m.

Another amusing story

I just heard another somewhat funny story!

Up in Tipp City, OH, some guy found that his truck had been vandalized with poo-poo from a dirty diaper smeared around the antenna!

What smelly reception he must have received.

* * * * *

Monday, January 9, 2006 08:45 p.m.

Nose bubbling: a new Olympic sport!

I found something uproarious!

It's a link to a video of the woman who's over 50 years old and still blows bubble gum bubbles with her nose. In this clip, she bubbles a big pink bubble twice the size of her head:

* * * * *

Monday, January 9, 2006 06:11 p.m.

Back to school after 11 years of obscurity

Today I returned to school as a student for the first time since my illegal expulsion from NKU (which was caused in part by NKU's fascism). Now I'm going to community college, which pibs in a big way like so many other things we know and love.

My computer class looks like it's gonna be damn hard! Maybe not impossible like Bro$$art, but still mighty difficult. This class only has about 15 students, and half of them didn't even bother to show up.

Nobody ripped any bunker blasts today, nor did they bubble. But I did see some very minor bathroom destroyment: Someone wrote "FUCK" on the bathroom wall and peed on some bits of toilet paper that were resting on the seat. Nothing approaching the Brossart level of ridiculousness though.

* * * * *

Sunday, January 8, 2006 11:45 p.m.

School starts tomorrow!

School starts tomorrow, which is why I haven't been posting much here in the past week.

Also, at an important family gathering at my mom's house today, I twice briefly detected the scent of a silent but deadly bunker blast.

* * * * *

Monday, January 2, 2006 10:53 p.m.

Walking on, walking on broken baste...


They're playing "Walking On Broken Baste" on the radio!

* * * * *

Saturday, December 31, 2005 11:27 p.m.

Crying over spilled milk

Earlier at Don Pablo's, some kid spilled milk all over the floor.

* * * * *

Thursday, December 29, 2005 03:56 p.m.

Cletus really did chew gray bubble gum!

Bubble gum and "The Dukes Of Hazzard"! Together at last!

I only remember one episode of "The Dukes Of Hazzard" where anyone bubbled. I knew there was an episode where Cletus bubbled using gray bubble gum, because I remembered seeing it when it first aired. I hadn't seen it in years though, so I was starting to think my mind was just playing tricks on me.

Turns out I was right all along! Near the beginning of the January 8, 1982, episode, Cletus is seen in his patrol car chasing Bo and Luke. Bubble he does! And yes, the gum is gray!

This remains the only time I've ever seen gray bubble gum. I guess maybe it's New England clam chowder flavor, which would make this the only time this flavor has ever been sighted south of the Mason-Dixon line. Or maybe it's newspaper flavor or rotten green bean flavor. Man, that beats all you never saw!

* * * * *

Thursday, December 29, 2005 12:53 p.m.

Another year of ruining stuff is about to end

I just heard a rumor that the word "ruin" was used on "One Life To Live".

Also, it is rumored that the magic word was also used in a commersh for Secret deodorant. Some guy at a store was talking about the clerk ruining silks with her deodorant.

* * * * *

Monday, December 26, 2005 11:07 a.m.

Silent (but deadly) night...

Yesterday I went to yet another Christmas gathering at my mom's house. And guess what happened?

Someone twice ripped a silent but deadly trouser sneeze in the living room! It was quite amusing. People gasped for air as they pointed fingers at possible suspects.

My mom sprayed deodorizer throughout the living room to mask the pungent scent of the wafting bunker blasts.

* * * * *

Saturday, December 24, 2005 09:24 a.m.

'Tis the season for flatulence

Last night at a family gathering at my mom's house, a bunker blast reportedly wafted, which continues a long, proud tradition of Christmastime flatulence.

I failed to detect the aroma, although others reported to have smelled it. Names of possible suspects were bandied about, but no suspects could be indicted for this alleged violation of the Geneva Convention.

This was nothing compared to the hilarious flatulence event that happened at Christmastime in 2003.

* * * * *

Wednesday, December 21, 2005 12:58 a.m.

Pooing is cool

And funny.

* * * * *

Friday, December 16, 2005 12:00 a.m.

I mean it like a grown-up dictionary...

They're playing "I mean it like a grown-up dictionary..." on the radio. Or at least that's what I always thought he said. I kept hearing it on the radio when I went on my trip to Hopkinsville back in '95, and there was universal agreement it sounded like he was indeed saying, "I mean it like a grown-up dictionary..."

It's unclear what a "grown-up dictionary" is though. I guess it's a dictionary that includes all the grown-up words. I had heard the expression "to mean it like a dictionary" before, but I had never heard anyone specify a "grown-up dictionary."

* * * * *

Monday, December 12, 2005 12:45 a.m.

Richard Pryor was cool

Richard Pryor was cool.

He had something in common with yours truly: He got expelled from school as a youth. And so did Roger Daltrey of The Who. And the late Rick James and probably a few other famous people.

So I guess you can get expelled from school and still manage to go pretty far in life.

The few. The proud. The expelled.

I always thought Richard Pryor's famous joke about flushing the toilet was hilarious. I think I have the audiocassette where he tells that joke somewhere. I must have listened to him tell that joke about a million times, it was so funny (because it had to do with toilets).

* * * * *

Saturday, December 10, 2005 12:11 a.m.

Pile driver woes

Anyone else in Bellevue damn sick and tired of hearing that loud pile driver down on the river for 11 hours a day, 5 days a week, for the past 5 weeks?

Although the noise comes from Eden Avenue between Taylor and Washington, you can hear it all the way down at 6th & Monmouth in Newport. So you can imagine how loud it must be in Bellevue.

Yes, this is that thing that sounds like an explosion going off once every second or so.

I've complained to the city about this nuisance, and they haven't done a thing. But heaven forbid anyone have a car radio up too loud for more than 3 seconds.

* * * * *

Tuesday, December 6, 2005 10:58 p.m.

But something happened on the way to the bathroom...

Oh man, this is too funny for words!

They're playing "Something Happened On The Way To The Bathroom" on Max 97.7!

Hahahahaha!!! And right after I mentioned it in that Last Word article too!

* * * * *

Tuesday, December 6, 2005 08:44 p.m.

He's guilty...of being a celebrity look-alike in the first degree...

I've just been told of a hilarious celebrity look-alike!

Apparently, some guy who looks exactly like the lead singer of Alabama (the band) was sighted at Value City!

* * * * *

Tuesday, December 6, 2005 02:29 a.m.

Everybody knows that bastin' ain't allowed in school...

Guess what song they're playing now?!?!?!


'Cause everybody knows that bastin' ain't allowed in school. (Ooh, an Allowed Cloud!)

* * * * *

Tuesday, December 6, 2005 12:19 a.m.

"I pretend by shit's not stinking..."

Hahahahaha! They're playing "I PRETEND MY SHIT'S NOT STINKING..." on the RADIO!!!

* * * * *

Sunday, December 4, 2005 03:55 a.m.

Have no fear, another ish is here!

Ish #423 of The Last Word is now pub!

Amazing. It's been 9 years since I actually decided I was through with The Last Word once and for all, and yet it's still around after all that time!

This issue is 6 pages when printed out, but only has 2 articles. This ish has another travelogue and another important local election issue.

Read it and peep:

* * * * *

Thursday, December 1, 2005 08:25 p.m.

School's in!

I went to my academic advisor appointment on Tuesday over in Covington. I was almost there, when I almost decided to just turn around and go home, because it seemed so silly that I should go back to school at the age of 32, considering I have 3 years of college already.

But I did go to my appointment, and I'm going to be taking some college-level courses in computers starting in January. I only have classes on Mondays though, so if anything funny happens at school, you'll only get to read about it once a week.

I'm not gonna go into too many details of the stuff I'm studying, because the more I do, the more I get interrogated about it.

Also, this is at the Highland Heights campus, so I have to make some weird arrangements just to get to the damn place from Bellevue.

* * * * *

Monday, November 28, 2005 10:44 p.m.

A big day tomorrow!

Tomorrow is when I go over to school to sign up for classes.

That bips in a big way like so many other things we know and love, doesn't it?

* * * * *

Thursday, November 24, 2005 03:53 a.m.

A hilarious TV moment you may remember...

Members of my immediate family will probably remember this and burst out laughing when they remember what I did when this appeared on TV:

The funny thing is, I was only 9, and probably wasn't really old enough for "Saturday Night Live" yet. But for some reason, I was watching it anyway. I guess it's because my parents had it on in the living room.

Yes, I mooned Ronald Reagan when the camera panned over to his portrait.

* * * * *

Monday, November 21, 2005 11:21 p.m.

And another celebrity look-alike too!

Also, I've just been told that a Groucho Marx look-alike was spotted at the Home Depot in Englewood, OH, on Saturday.

* * * * *

Monday, November 21, 2005 10:54 p.m.

Another TV bubbling for your amusement

I've just been informed that a bubbling was just sighted on television. Apparently, a Green Bay Packers player bubbled a big pink bubble.

* * * * *

Saturday, November 19, 2005 11:24 p.m.

Hahahaha, a somewhat funny commersh

There's this radio commercial for some mortgage company or something that they keep playing that uses a music bed that sounds exactly like the closing theme from "Scooby-Doo" from the late '70s.

* * * * *

Saturday, November 19, 2005 07:39 p.m.

Another hilarious report of a celebrity look-alike!

I've just been informed that a Bob Newhart look-alike was sighted at the Kroger in Bellevue!!!

* * * * *

Wednesday, November 16, 2005 09:02 p.m.

We're gonna plop...all the neighborhood...don't it feel alright...

Guess what Friday is?

That's right!

Plop Day!

This year, November 18 falls on a Friday, just like the original Plop Lecture. Does that pib or what?

* * * * *

Tuesday, November 15, 2005 10:26 p.m.

Dukakis is cool

Michael Dukakis is cool.

Damn, I still can't believe he lost. It wouldn't be so bad if Dukakis didn't lose to such an utter incompetent like Pa Bush, and if Pa Bush's followers didn't act like it was their birthright to see all of their candidates elected in every single election (under the penalty of eternal scorn that they've held against Dukakis supporters ever since).

Anyway, something funny happened earlier. A family member and I went to Kroger together this evening. I spotted a Dukakis look-alike in the produce aisle. I didn't say anything, but my family member whispered to me, "I think that's Dukakis's brother over there." So I know I'm not the only person who thought that the man at Kroger today resembled the Democratic statesman from Massachusetts.

But nobody bubbled.

* * * * *

Tuesday, November 15, 2005 12:30 a.m.

Possible new idea for a book

After having to deal with all the stupidtivity lately by people talking trash about me, I've just come up with an excellent idea for my next book. It's kind of a follow up to The Fight That Never Ends, but it will be more of a humor book. The purpose of this book will be to tell the stories behind the bullies - namely some of the embarrassing stuff they did to disgrace themselves.

I think that would be perfect, don't you?

* * * * *

Wednesday, November 9, 2005 1:43 a.m.

[serious] Some things just aren't supposed to happen

There's certain things in life that just aren't supposed to happen. Period.

The elections on Tuesday went better than they've gone since about 1999, which was supposed to happen, but this entry isn't about elections or partisan politics.

On Tuesday (due to events unrelated to the election) I came closer to breaking than I've been in years (possibly ever). I mean it. Certain people just don't know how to leave certain things ALONE!!!!!

I literally became physically sick because of what I had to deal with on Tuesday.

I've been forced to tolerate a lot of bullshit over the past 21 years, and most of it was something that was never supposed to happen. I never expected life to be perfect, and I know that often when some tragedy befalls someone, people say it wasn't supposed to happen. In my case it certainly is true.

All of this could have been stopped years ago. But I didn't know how. And I didn't know how to tell the only people who would have actually done something about it. The school system brainwashed me, and I was too humiliated by the school system to tell anyone what was going on at school.

I know it started in '84, but I think I can just about pinpoint when my heart was broken right in two. I think it had to be in December 1986, or possibly November, in music class in 8th grade. When someone says those types of things about you, it stays with you forever.

Why couldn't I just get out when I had the chance?

Then, when I was a freshman (I think) in high school (Bro$$art), which had to have been in '87 or '88 (probably spring of '88), a classmate said something to me that just ripped my heart right out. For years, I was thinking it was at the beginning of math class, but now I think it may have been at the beginning of health or religion class (which were in the same room as each other).

These idiots at school just were not very good people. I can also assure you that they must have had some serious psychological problems to do and say some of the things they did. They used to defecate on floors, for crying out loud! (And it wasn't because they weren't allowed to use the bathroom - because they did this in the bathroom.)

Uh, hello? By about 1988, couldn't anyone have seen what was going on and intervened?

I can guarantee that I do not have any psychotic disorders like the weirdoes at school did. Why they exaggerate and spread half-truths to try to make me look like a nut must be their way of dealing with their own inner turmoil. However, I do now have PTSD, because I've had to put up with this bullshit for the past 21 years.

Just think what it would do to you.

Again, I ask, how in the hell did I survive it for even the 6 years that I put up with it daily?

What I experienced was not supposed to happen. Any reasonable person who witnessed it would agree. People who didn't see it think it couldn't have happened, but it did.

You know what my IQ was in elementary school? It was 195. Yes, 195! I remember being given the test, and how later the school system exploited the results to suit their purposes. If any of my old teachers remember what my IQ was in elementary school, they would be utterly shocked that I later got kicked out of 4 schools, failed 10th grade, have been arrested twice, never finished college, and have never been able to find a job that pays more than minimum wage. (Seriously. In real wages, the library gig was by far the best-paying job I ever had.)

This is all because of what happened to me in middle and high school.

What happened was an American tragedy.

But the good news is that I only look and feel dead. People continue to talk trash about me, and I fight back harder than I've fought in years. I'm just not going to tolerate people talking smack about me over things that happened 20 years ago, and I had the courage on Tuesday to fight back. And fighting back got me somewhere, because most of that little flamewar against me got taken down later. (The "ignore" sloganeers can shut up now.)

I was deeply pleased when my fighting back paid off. And I know it's going to get me in serious trouble, but I had to do what I did. I didn't break any laws, but I'm going to be in deep shit with some other parties for fighting back. Even so, if I lose my main Internet account over this, I'll still feel a lot better than if I hadn't fought back at all. Such a punishment would be far less severe than the pain of allowing the garbage to continue unabated.

People need to learn to leave me the fuck alone. Any normal person who is at least 12 has grown out of the shit the idiots pull. Why are they still allowed to get away with it at 32?

* * * * *

Monday, November 7, 2005 11:06 a.m.

I'm going back to school!!!

Clink clink clink! (That's the sound of a person clinking a wine glass with a fork at a restaurant, which is what soap opera characters always do when they have a big announcement to make.)

No, I'm not seeking political office. At least not right now.

I'm going back to school!

And this isn't like a few years ago when I applied to go back to NKU and my application was ignored. This time I applied at community college instead.

I know you're thinking, Yeah, your application is just going to be ignored this time too. Well, guess what? It wasn't. I've already been accepted for admission starting in January.

So it looks like a new entry in my old School Days page is going to be written.

* * * * *

Sunday, November 6, 2005 09:38 p.m.

The November toilet humor begins

Earlier I went to an early Thanksgiving party. While I was there, some teenager ran into the yard to retrieve a ball he had thrown over there, and he ripped a silent but deadly bunker blast.

* * * * *

Saturday, November 5, 2005 04:28 a.m.

Have no fear, ish #422 is here!

Here it is!

Issue #422 of The Last Word is now pub:

* * * * *

Thursday, November 3, 2005 11:58 p.m.

Some asshole is stealing my mail again

Some asshole has been stealing my mail again.

This has only been going on since, what, 1997 now?

* * * * *

Sunday, October 30, 2005 09:23 p.m.

"Did I biff again...I think I biffed again...oh oh..."

I heard "I BIFFED AGAIN" on Q-102 earlier! Hahahahaha!

Also, today I saw some woman who was about 60 years old bubbling.

* * * * *

Tuesday, October 25, 2005 01:33 p.m.

About damn time: #567,181 on Barnes & Noble!

My book The Fight That Never Ends has finally entered Barnes & Noble's ranking at #567,181, even though it made it up into the 40,000s on Amazon.

About damn time! It's actually surprising it's doing that well, considering how the Hitlers in the mainstream media have completely ignored it because it doesn't jibe with their worldview.

* * * * *

Sunday, October 23, 2005 08:48 p.m.

Updated my "On The Road Again" page!

Click on this link for my "On The Road Again" feature, now updated with an entry for my trip to the Northeastern U.S. of A. States:

* * * * *

Thursday, October 20, 2005 11:59 p.m.

The Magical Mystery Tour is waiting to take you away...

Just got back from another road trip!

This one was to Upstate New York, Massachusetts, and Vermont. And some HILARIOUS stuff happened!!!

I call this the Magical Mystery Tour because something uproarious happened: A humongous booger got wiped on a computer-generated map we brang along, and we couldn't find the source of the nasty gob of mucus. A thorough investigation concluded that it was a magical, mysterious booger whose source would never be known or understood. The booger had some very unboogerly properties, particularly its failure to dry up, and the fact that it seemed to expand.

It actually looked like the booger was going to slime everything in sight, and we had to keep it at a safe distance.

It was as hilarious as you might imagine!

On the way home through Ohio, something just as funny happened at an Amish restaurant. An attendant there FARTED really loud while she was clearing one of the tables!

Also, in Watertown, NY, some bratty kids deliberately pushed a skateboard out into the street, and the car sounded like it sustained heavy damage when we ran over it.

The clerk at a motel in Kingston, NY, looked like Mr. Hooper from "Sesame Street". Another celeb look-alike: A guest at a motel in Ithaca, NY, resembled Madalyn Murray O'Hair.

But nobody bubbled.

* * * * *

Thursday, October 13, 2005 08:40 p.m.

More boredom

Not much has been happening here lately - although there was a case on "Judge Judy" today in which the word "ruined" was uttered about 15 times. It was the case where the plaintiff sued the manager of a restaurant where he worked, claiming his clothes got ruined when the basement of the restaurant flooded.

Hear that, everyone? RUINED!!! Such a beautiful word!

* * * * *

Saturday, October 8, 2005 08:54 p.m.

Another day, another ruined restroom

I've just been informed of another utterly trashed bathroom. This one is at the Meijer store in Troy, OH.

According to the latest report from that particular loo, a toilet had YELLOW SHIT on the back of the seat! Another stall had poo-poo all over the wall and on the back of the toilet seat. To add insult to injury, the restroom stank of raw sewage.

Bet it was funny to see that!

* * * * *

Thursday, October 6, 2005 01:34 p.m.

#485 on Lulu!

The Fight That Never Ends is up to #485 of all-time on Lulu (up from down below #1,500). I'm surprised it's not on the weekly or monthly top 100 because of this.

* * * * *

Wednesday, October 5, 2005 07:44 p.m.

Not to brag, but...

There's about to be a huge spike in the Lulu ranking for my book. It hasn't happened yet at this moment, but I just saw the sales report for September, and let me tell you something, it's going to be big. (This is not the Amazon or Barnes & Noble ranking, but the Lulu ranking. Most of these sales are probably from bookstores.)

I'd give it maybe a couple more days before the ranking goes up. Let me tell you, I wouldn't be surprised if it's in the top 500 on Lulu after this, and probably a lot higher than that on the weekly ranking.

* * * * *

Monday, October 3, 2005 08:11 p.m.

What? Football in The Last Word? Has the Great Royal Tim flipped his lid?

What's The Last Word doing discussing FOOTBALL anyway???

Football, of all things!

Find out in the latest issue - ish #421!

Also this brief issue includes the latest details on my current hilarious showdown with AT&T corporate tyranny and a short account of residents battling a local nuisance.

Read it and peep:

* * * * *

Saturday, October 1, 2005 11:36 p.m.

Ruining stuff and bubbling on TV is cool

I've just been informed that there was some TV show where Larry David bubbled and said the word "ruin" twice.

It just goes to show, it's cool to ruin stuff and to bubble on TV.

* * * * *

Sunday, September 25, 2005 08:36 p.m.

The Kline Krew is back...Circus Vargas, Circus Vargas...

Last night I had another meeting with the legendary Kline Krew, which is the first one I've had in about a year.

* * * * *

Friday, September 23, 2005 11:27 p.m.

Nosebleeds are cool

Earlier I had a nosebleed, which is the first one I can remember since I had one at school at Highland Heights Elementary.

* * * * *

Thursday, September 22, 2005 11:55 p.m.

Someone shit on the floor at Golden Corral!

Tonight at the Golden Corral restaurant in Fort Wright, as we were going to our table, we happened to notice something on the floor next to the table right behind ours. It was brown and maybe pebble-sized.

We wondered aloud if the object was what it appeared to be. Namely poo. I bent down, close enough to have a better look at the item, and I can just about say with certainty that, yes, it was poo! I assume it was human poo, not dog poo, as this was inside the restaurant.

How did poo get on the floor of Golden Corral, of all places? Someone must have soiled themselves, and the poo rolled down the leg of their pants and onto the floor.

The story gets weirder. I later noticed that the poo was mysteriously missing. Did the poo just grow legs and walk away? I should think not. It is, after all, merely poo, and not a living organism.

* * * * *

Thursday, September 22, 2005 02:02 p.m.

Goody goody gumdrops! Another asshole gets exposed!

I got woken up again this morning at 3 AM by some asshole making harassing phone calls. This time it was traced to some dickwipe on York Street in Newport. You know it was his office number, because nobody who actually lives on York Street would be doing this shit.

* * * * *

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 10:42 p.m.!

This evening at Kroger someone ripped an SBD trouser sneeze in the line at the deli.

Also, there was another "Sesame Street" reference on "The Simpsons" on Sunday!

In addition to all that thrilling news, I'm told that a Tom Arnold look-alike was sighted at Skyline Chili in Huber Heights, OH.

* * * * *

Monday, September 19, 2005 12:59 a.m.

More Ploptoberfest!

I went to Oktoberfest again on Sunday, and not as much happened this time.

It did live up to the need for ploppings, as I noticed someone threw a religious tract in the toilet and peed all over it. (Something similar happened last year.)

Also I saw a Jesse Ventura look-alike down on Fountain Square!

Also, I saw 5 - count 'em, 5 - people who were in such a festive mood that they bubbled.

* * * * *

Sunday, September 18, 2005 12:34 a.m.

New! From the makers of ABC gum! It's ABC beer!

All sorts of neet poo goes on down in the 'Nati.

I just got back from Oktoberfest downtown, and I was reminded of why I go to things like this. Usually, not much happens, but this time, something uproarious happened - and I'm so glad I went just because of this one incident. Even though I had arthritis, hemorrhoids, a toothache, diarrhea, and a cut on my right thumb, I'm still glad I went.

I was standing on the sidewalk on 5th Street opposite Fountain Square, right in front of the entrance to the swanky Westin Hotel. A man who was about 40 years old strolled by, and he was drinking beer out of one of those Christian Moerlein cups they were serving beer in. He walked up to one of those temporary garbage cans (the brown ones), removed a half-full cup of beer from the trash can, and poured it into his own beer cup.

Then - get this - he drank out of his beer cup where he had dumped someone else's old beer that he found in the garbage can!

I could not believe what I was seeing!

This is exactly like when people at Bro$$art chewed used wads of gum they found in the trash, or when that guy at Wendy's ate the hamburger after dropping it on the floor.

After drinking someone else's discarded beer, the guy entered the Westin Hotel.

Other interesting stuff at Oktoberfest...

Someone ripped a silent but deadly bunker blast on Fountain Square.

I saw the same Florence Henderson look-alike who I saw at the Bellevue Vets carnival.

This is why they call it Ploptoberfest: Someone put a beer cup in the toilet bowl in one of those portable restrooms and peed all over a free classified newspaper that was laying there.

Al Lewis and Captain Wanda of the old "Uncle Al" TV show were at Oktoberfest! Mr. Lewis played his accordion for us up on the stage! I'm pretty sure I once mentioned in The Last Word how some kid on the show peed down inside Uncle Al's accordion, and sure enough, Uncle Al mentioned this incident!

Also, I saw 4 people (including a policeman) bubbling.

* * * * *

Saturday, September 17, 2005 01:53 a.m.

Pooing is cool

Indeed it is.

* * * * *

Thursday, September 8, 2005 11:17 p.m.

Jesse...Jesse Helms...Jesse Helms Country Cookin'...

Earlier at a restaurant I saw a Jesse Helms look-alike.

* * * * *

Sunday, September 4, 2005 11:49 p.m.

At long last! A good, solid Rip-off-fest!

I've referred to Riverfest as Rip-off-fest for years because of the growing tyranny that has defined it. It's supposed to be a festival, hence the "fest" part of the name, and festivals are supposed to be events where people do festive things. That's why they're called festivals. Get it?

Little by little, the festiveness has been choked out of the nerve centers of the event. To avoid the creeping Nazism, people who are serious about having a good time gather just outside the officially designated Rip-off-fest zones. We want to be as close as possible to the action without being subjected to all the fascism.

Anyway, we watched the fireworks tonight, from right on the edge of this zone. We're not gonna tell you exactly where, because then local governments will try to ruin it for future Labor Day weekends. But here's some of the amusing things that we saw...

Some guy peed all over the side of an SUV that was parked in a parking lot.

As we watched the fireworks, the airy vapors of a certain contraband herb wafted through the air!

In addition to the sweet marijuana smoke, another scent was also detected. This one was the prefectly legal odor of a silent but deadly bunker blast.

Some woman who was watching the fireworks kept loudly complaining about Bush, which amused us further.

All in all, it was an improvement over the previous few years!

* * * * *

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 02:01 a.m.

It's cool to ruin board games

It's cool to ruin board games.

Have you ever ruined a game while you or someone else was playing?

Once when I was about 5 years old, a certain family member (not me) was showing a certain other family member (not me) how to play chess, and had borrowed several books about chess from the library. So anyway, they got a good, suspenseful game of chess going. The family member who had initiated the game was writing down all the moves on a paper grocery bag, because it was such an exciting game.

But it all came crashing down (literally) when the family member who was learning to play chess wanted to read about a certain type of move in one of the books. As this family member held the thick hardcover book over the board, the book got accidentally dropped onto the board, scattering the pieces everywhere.

The game was spoiled. The words "GAME RUINED" were written down on the paper bag. (It's the magic word again!)

Since all the moves were written down, I don't understand why the game couldn't be perfectly reconstructed up to the point where it was ruined. But anyway, years later, one of the players came up with a new urban legend about that particular game. According to this tale, the game wasn't ruined by a book dropped on the board. Rather, it was spoiled when I dove off of a chair and scattered the board and pieces all over the place. However, that's total fiction. I distinctly remember the book getting dropped on the board by one of the players.

Easy Money was always a fun game to ruin. Losing players liked to pound on the board in anger so the little houses would flip up on their sides and become mortgaged. That was always a barrel of laughs when that happened!

Another funny thing about board games: I always thought it was funny how in Game Of The States how some of the states showed a roll of toilet paper as one of their economic mainstays.

Also, there was some neighborhood kid who invented what he called "nuclear Stratego". It involved dropping an encyclopedia on a Stratego board. Eventually it damaged the board.

* * * * *

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 12:32 a.m.

Violating shelter-in-place orders is fun!

All of Monday, I was in violation of the Allowed Cloud.

The styrene leak from that train over in Cincinnati caused a shelter-in-place order here, but I kept ignoring it. Not my fucking fault some stupid idiot left a train full of styrene parked in an urban area for a full year.

Now I can smell the styrene fumes, since they're getting into my apartment. It smells like the lower floors of the Steely Dan Library did back around 1994. It's a smell sort of like old carbon paper.

* * * * *

Monday, August 29, 2005 01:56 a.m.

Ish #420 is here!

That's right, I said 420. Not 4/20, much to the chagrin of a certain high school headmaster.

Most of this ish is very serious actually, with the usual commentaries and all. Also there's a description of my latest battle with being wrongly billed by AT&T (again). But it does have some fun stuff, like my Orlando travelogue!

Read it and peep:

* * * * *

Saturday, August 27, 2005 12:40 a.m.

Oh my gosh!!! This is too funny!!!

Now they're playing "EVERY BASTE HAS ITS THORN"!!!!!!

Oh man! I can't believe it!!! This is JUST TOO FUNNY!!!!!

* * * * *

Saturday, August 27, 2005 12:29 a.m.

"Erection Day"! Hahahaha!!!

And now they're playing "ERECTION DAY"!!! Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!

What's gotten into them over there???

* * * * *

Saturday, August 27, 2005 12:10 a.m.

"End Of The Underpants"!!!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!!

They're playing "END OF THE UNDERPANTS" on the radio!

I haven't heard that song in ages!!!


* * * * *

Sunday, August 21, 2005 01:13 a.m.

No "Gambit", dambit!

You know what fucking pisses me off?

It's when TV producers and networks erase the only known copies of a TV show.

This has happened a lot, especially with soap operas and game shows. Now, I'm not a huge fan of either soap operas or game shows, but each of these genres has its moments that we can ridicule forever - if only the copies of the shows still existed.

Also, the '70s kids' TV show "Zoom" has reportedly had all of its episodes erased. I wasn't a big fan of it either, but it's a shame it's gone, because I know it would be fun to ridicule. Actually the only thing I remember about it is that "ubbi-dubbi" shit they kept doing.

The reason shows get erased is so producers and networks can re-use the tapes or free up space in their warehouses. A flimsy excuse, if you ask me.

Supposedly, all the episodes of the daytime soap "All My Children" from before 1976 are gone for good, except for a few episodes that still survive on black-and-white kinescopes (even though the show has aired in color all along). However, sources vary as to whether this is true or not. According to rumor, the warehouse where the episodes were stored was destroyed by fire.

Very few episodes of the '70s version of the game show "Hollywood Squares" survive today, because in the '70s the show belonged to NBC, and one of the executives at NBC hated game shows with a passion.

And now I discover that no "Gambit" episodes survive either (except for one episode). Read my lips - no "Gambit", dambit! Not like I was a big fan of this game show anyway, because I was only 3 when it was canceled, but still it's such a shame that it's lost forever. I'm pretty sure Wink Martindale is a Republican, but still it makes me mad.

I'm guessing most of the episodes of "The Joker's Wild" still exist, because I was told that they reran them on Game Show Network just a few years ago. I have a gut feeling that most of the episodes of "The Price Is Right" still exist too.

But scientists believe that someday, millions of years from now, the sun will suddenly expand and engulf the Earth, burning everything on the planet. Then all the game shows and soaps that exist now will cease to exist once and for all. Won't it be sad when that happens?

* * * * *

Tuesday, August 16, 2005 03:07 a.m.

Amazon says: "#76,182 in Books"

After peaking up in the 40,000s, my book fell to the 500,000s but is now back up to #76,182.

I guess all those inflammatory reviews can't be hurting sales too much - right, Mr. Keep-Your-Eyes-On-Your-Fries?

Also, the cashier at SuperValu bubbled on Monday - which I'm sure you're amused to learn of.

* * * * *

Sunday, August 14, 2005 01:09 a.m.

Another sort of boring carnival

I went to the carnival yet again on Saturday night. Once again, not much interesting.

A young woman bubbled.

On the way back, I noticed somebody left a big trail of vomit on the sidewalk down on Fairfield Avenue.

Also, I saw an Oil of Olay commersh where some woman blew a bubble with bubble gum that popped all over her face. And I bet she did this just because she thought it would be mentioned in this blog! (Just joking about that.)

* * * * *

Saturday, August 13, 2005 02:51 p.m.

Another asswipe gets exposed

I got another harassing phone call that woke me up yesterday at about 6 AM, but I fell back asleep and forgot about it until today.

Anyway, this one has been traced to an asshole who lives on Kentucky Drive in Fort Wright.

* * * * *

Saturday, August 13, 2005 12:15 a.m.

A slightly less boring carnival

I went to the carnival again on Friday night, and this time it was slightly less boring.

It smelled like someone ripped an eggy fart that covered the entire field. The smell persisted for at least an hour, and was noticeable just about everywhere at the site.

I saw some guy who looked like Ralph Malph on "Happy Days". Also I saw some woman who resembled Florence Henderson from back in the "Brady Bunch" era.

Also I saw 4 people bubbling.

* * * * *

Thursday, August 11, 2005 11:50 p.m.

Carnival stuff

Earlier I arrived home from what I think may have been the wimpiest, deadest, most uneventful Bellevue Vets Carnival ever.

However I did see 3 people who were in a festive enough mood that they bubbled.

* * * * *

Thursday, August 11, 2005 03:10 p.m.

On the road again (clap clap clap clap)...Goin' places that I've never been...

I updated my "On The Road Again" feature to reflect my Orlando trip. Read it and weep laughing:

* * * * *

Tuesday, August 9, 2005 11:25 p.m.

#40,996 on Amazon!

I can't believe how high my book is on Amazon!!!

It's #40,996!!!

I know I checked earlier and it was the highest I had ever seen it, but it wasn't that high!

How many millions of books does Amazon sell anyway??? For it to be #40,996 out of several million is damn high!

* * * * *

Sunday, August 7, 2005 12:22 p.m.

Orlando! Atlanta! Jacksonville! It's a great place to fart, I mean start!

Actually, Lost Sea Cave is a great place to fart, because somebody did crack at least 3 SBD bunker blasts inside the cave, but anyway...

I've got some road photos of my Orlando trip posted! These are ones I intended for public viewing, so read it and peep:

* * * * *

Thursday, August 4, 2005 09:16 p.m.

Another TV set to return to the earth from whence it came

After 8 years of almost average service, my TV set began circling the drain a few weeks ago, so today I buyed a brand spanking new TV!!!

But don't worry. On the new piece of shit excuse for a TV, the sound doesn't work at all on half the channels, and on the other channels, the sounds constantly cuts out for no apparent reason. So I think this TV set is going to be returned to the store like the piece of crap it is.

You'd expect better from an RCA, because I had an RCA that lasted 16 years once, but I guess RCA isn't the technological wizards they used to be. RCA is the only brand the store even had, so I think I better try a different store next time.

* * * * *

Sunday, July 31, 2005 08:40 p.m.

I'm home, I'm home, I'm home!

I'm home from my 8-day trip to Orlando to see relatives!

Man, what a fun trip. But not much in the mischief category, I'm afraid.

A few celebrity look-alikes: The guy who lives next door to my relatives in Florida looks just like Sting. On the way home through Atlanta, we almost got in a wreck with some truck driver who looked just like Gilligan on "Gilligan's Island".

The only person I saw bubbling on this trip was when we stopped at Lost Sea Cave in Tennessee on the way home. Some woman bubbled inside the cave.

* * * * *

Thursday, July 28, 2005 12:42 p.m.

Another Florida update for your bemusement

I'm still down here in Florida, much to your amazement.

Something really funny happened on Tuesday: A group of people got mad and stormed out of a restaurant because they thought they deserved to be served before everyone else, and the waitress chased after them.

'Twas kinda neat!

* * * * *

Monday, July 25, 2005 09:52 p.m.

Florida fun

I thought I wouldn't be able to do a blog blogga blog entry all week, but guess what? I'm doing one anyway!

I'm at my relatives' house in Florida right now using my aunt's computer. Does that pib or what?

It sounds like somebody just ripped a fart.

We've got one-fourth of our trip done without any major mishaps, so let's keep it that way. I'm not sure what the highlight of the trip is so far, but nothing really weird has happened yet.

And no, I haven't seen anyone bubbling.

* * * * *

Friday, July 22, 2005 03:15 p.m.

Ish #419 is here!


The latest issue of The Last Word contains a few important current events articles, like conservative support for higher taxes and the dismissal of their crybaby complaint against CBS. It also features a short travelogue of my St. Louis trip.

Read it and peep:

Also, this is probably going to be the last blog entry until July 31. I've got things I gotta do next week, so unless I have to cancel my plans, I'll see ya then!

* * * * *

Monday, July 18, 2005 12:29 a.m.

Another funny dream

I had a great dream in the wee hours of Sunday morn.

This was yet another dream where I was back at Bro$$art.

You know how I borrowed that book from the school library and couldn't return it because I was expelled? Anyway, in the dream, I was back in school, but I noticed the library purchased 2 sparkling new copies of the book, as if to spite me.

So I smuggled both copies out of the library and hid them around the school (in the restroom, I think), just to frustrate their efforts.

'Twas kinda neat!

Also, on Sunday, I received another harassing phone call, this time from some fartpipe over on Madison Pike in Independence.

* * * * *

Monday, July 18, 2005 12:00 a.m.

32 in a bottle of poo

I'm 32, I can do what I want! I'm 32, I can do what I want! I'm 32, I can do what I want! I'm 32, I can do what I want! I'm 32, I can do what I want! I'm 32, I can do what I want! And yooouuuuuuuuuu can't!

* * * * *

Sunday, July 17, 2005 03:01 a.m.

Finally remembered something scary from "Mister Rogers"...I think...

I've been itching my brain trying to think of anything scary from "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood", and I think I finally thought of something, although I'm not too sure about it.

It seems like back in the '70s there was once a weird closing theme on the show. The music would slow down and do what in radio jargon is referred to as a "cool" ending - not a true fade, but sort of a dramatic final note that trailed off. Then the camera panned over to one of the houses in the neighborhood, which had a witch that looked like the Wicked Witch of The Wizard Of Oz standing in the front yard. The witch then let out an evil laugh, much like the beginning of Michael Jackson's song "Off The Wall".

This was when I was maybe 3 or 4. I forgot about it until I was maybe 10 or 11, when I saw a house over in the Ohio suburbs of Cincinnati that looked like the house from "Mister Rogers" that had the witch standing in front of it.

I said something like, "Remember that thing with the witch at the end of 'Mister Rogers'?"

A family member actualy said they remembered it too, so I know I'm not just imagining it.

It's possible that it wasn't "Mister Rogers" but some other show. In fact, it's pretty likely, because I don't know why something like that would be on "Mister Rogers".

* * * * *

Monday, July 11, 2005 02:06 p.m.

Another trashed restroom and more public bubblings

I've just been told that at a rest area in a town somewhere called Hardeesville (I don't know what state), a hilariously filthy public restroom was sighted. The floor was all wet, and there was dirt caked all over the floor. All 3 stalls had trash all over the floors. The restroom had only one roll of toilet paper, which was laying on the floor in all the filth.

Also, today I went to Kroger, and guess what I saw? The same woman who was twice seen bubbling out in front of that storefront back in 2003 bubbled at Kroger. And then, the same cashier who bubbled recently bubbled again.

* * * * *

Wednesday, July 6, 2005 10:02 p.m.

Another unintentionally funny commersh

I just thought of another TV ad that was funny but wasn't meant to be funny, kind of like the one where a person slowly lifts the container full of orange juice up to their mouth and spills it.

Around 1983, there was a commersh where some guy gets really mad because he has a sore throat. The commercial was for an over-the-counter product called N'Ice. I could hardly blame him for getting mad, because I'd be mad too, but the way he reacts is really funny.

It shows the man sitting in the kitchen, playing cards with his wife, when he slams the cards down on the table and lets out this angry groan. He was mad because he had a sore throat.

It was really funny. It wasn't meant to be funny, but it was.

If he had acute pharyngitis, he should have been laying down somewhere and recuperating, like a person normally does when confronted by such an ailment. But instead he played cards in the kitchen like an idiot.

(Even back then, people got mighty sick with upper respiratory infections. Not nearly as much as they do now, but it was known to happen.)

Around 1987 there was a famous radio ad for Hall's (that always aired during "American Top 40") in which a man complains about having a cold, causing "the stuffy nose, the sore throat, and the cough!" He then coughs loudly to illustrate his point. Then he yells that he's going in to work anyway.


Who the fuck in their right mind would go to work when they have such an unpleasant and contagious ailment? Spread the misery around, why don't ya?

And why did the makers of Hall's actually seem to encourage this in their commercial? Ponder, ponder.

This was part of the "Hall's of Medicine" ad campaign. It seems like around early '88 they had another widely ridiculed radio ad in which some guy said, "I went to the Hall's of Medicine and now I'm feeling mighty fine, yep!" Remember that goofy commersh?

People made fun of those commercials so much it was amazing.

* * * * *

Sunday, July 3, 2005 11:30 p.m.

Pat Benatar is cool

Earlier tonight I saw Pat Benatar give a free concert down on Bicentennial Commons. Man, that was a great concert! It's a shame they don't play her on the radio much anymore.

Wasn't it nice of Pat to give us all a FREE concert?

During the concert some guy got really drunk and jumped off a ledge into the bushes, which basically ruined the bushes by tearing a gaping hole in them.

After that I went up to the Purple People Bridge and watched the Fourth of July fireworks.

As for celebrity look-alikes, I was told that a Martha Quinn look-alike was sighted at the concert, but I didn't see her.

Also, during the concert, I saw some woman who was about 30 years old blow a big pink bubble with bubble gum that burst and stuck to her nose. She spent the next minute or so pulling strands of gum off her skin. I think this is the first time since about 1994 I've seen anyone do that in public, because they no longer show those commercials with the Gum Fighter that encouraged everyone to do this.

* * * * *

Sunday, July 3, 2005 04:56 p.m.

The 418th patriotic ish of The Last Word!

New ish time!

This ish is only 4 pages, but hey, an ish is an ish is an ish, isn't it?

You can find it at:

* * * * *

Friday, July 1, 2005 11:07 p.m.

St. Louis! Buffalo! Toledo! It's a great place to start!

I've posted a few pics from this week's trip to St. Louis. Nothing major, just 10 pics from the Arch:

Also, I didn't have time to post my pics from last year's Toronto trip until now. There's only 4 pics, all from Buffalo or Toledo:

* * * * *

Thursday, June 30, 2005 07:44 p.m.

Just got home from St. Louis!

I've been on a trip to St. Louis for the past 3 days, and it was about 115 F there. (I have to specify Fahrenheit, since this blog has readers around the world.)

This turned out to be a pretty good trip. I got to see the Reds play the Cardinals twice, and the Reds played hilariously bad, especially at the game last night. Man, they're a disaster!

Now here's the info I'm sure you've been waiting on the edge of your seat for: I saw 10 - count 'em, 10 - people bubbling on this trip. I saw one when we went to the airport to catch the train to the stadium; 3 on the train; 5 at the stadium (including one policeman, and one bubbler who bubbled during the national anthem); and one at the Subway restaurant in Terre Haute, IN, on the way home. Most of these bubblers didn't make a big point of their bubbling capabilities though.

I've updated my On The Road Again list with the newest entry:

* * * * *

Monday, June 27, 2005 12:47 a.m.

A disappointing TV memory

Since nothing new has been happening here lately, it's time for another hilarious TV memory!

This one was a big letdown, because I thought something was going to get RUINED. Even the blurb in the TV listings in the paper used the magic word - but alas, it was not to be!

This happened around 1992 or so. Now, in 1992, I was way too old for "Sesame Street". I turned 19 in 1992, so I was a little bit too advanced for Big Bird, Bert, Ernie, The Count, Oscar, and Elmo. But I noticed that in the TV listings that for an upcoming episode of "Sesame Street", the caption read, "Barkley ruins Gina's laundry."

I couldn't wait to watch that episode! Something getting RUINED on "Sesame Street"! The very thought was almost too uproarious to be true!

And true it wasn't.

I turned on the TV, preparing to watch the big orange Muppet dog shit all over Gina's freshly washed Izods. But all Barkley did was scatter Gina's laundry about the laundromat. He didn't actually ruin it. It would be easy enough to just wash it all again, if it got dirty or something from being dragged across the floor where people walk with their muddy shoes.

The laundry got disorganized but, dammit, it didn't get ru!

Oh well. Life ain't perfect.

* * * * *

Saturday, June 25, 2005 12:45 a.m.

Computers in the 1880s

Another great TV moment I just remembered: the episode of "Little House On The Prairie" where they got a computer.

Am I just imagining this, or did this really happen? I never watched "Little House On The Prairie" regularly, so my memory is a little fuzzy. I think I watched one episode because their house burned down or something, but usually I never watched it.

Wasn't this show supposed to be set in the 1880s or something? Anyway, I know I saw a preview for the computer episode, but I didn't watch the episode itself. The girl on the show lugged this huge cardboard box into her log cabin (or whatever they had), opened it up, and said, "Look! It's a computer!" And sure enough, it was a home computer like an Atari 800 or something, complete with a monitor.

The computer was supposed to be a gift from her family or something. Then she said to the dog, "Thanks, Baxter!" (or whatever the dog's name was).

On that show they didn't even have electricity, record players, or running water, and people had to go outside to poop, and yet they had a home computer? In the 1880s???

I could be wrong about all this, and probably am. That they'd have a computer on "Little House On The Prairie" is so farfetched that this was probably just a network promo, and not an ad for an actual episode. (I bet you're disappointed now.) Someone told me that "The Waltons" did something like this once too.

Come to think of it, it seems like someone pissed their pants on "The Waltons" once, but actually this wasn't "The Waltons". It was some play that was televised on PBS in the early '80s that took place around the same time "The Waltons" did. (Maybe someone did pee their pants on "The Waltons" once, but I didn't watch it enough to know.)

* * * * *

Friday, June 24, 2005 11:46 p.m.

Yet another TV show where something got ruined

On this blog, I like to list old TV shows where things got RUINED - because that's such a cool word! Well, I thought of another one. This time it was on "Home Improvement".

I only vaguely remember this scene, because I never watched "Home Improvement" regularly. And this is a spoiler warning, so you may want to skip this entry. Anyway, I think what happened in this episode was this: Tim Allen's character and all his kids on the show chip in to buy a very expensive, very rare model car. He lectures the kids not to play with the car, because it's a collectors' item, and they might break it.

So guess what happens?

Yes, that's right! The bratty kids go ahead and play with the model car anyway! And guess what? They break it!

And of course they use bubble gum (the magic substance!) to put it back together.

So a rare model car got ru! Isn't that funny?

* * * * *

Friday, June 24, 2005 06:48 p.m.

A hilarious post about radio stations getting ruined

I cracked up laughing when I saw this! (where I once got my account pulled for daring to disagree with someone) has this hilarious thread about a string of radio stations in the South that someone purchased and basically destroyed.

I burst out laughing when I saw this post, because it uses some form of the word "ruin" 3 times:

Hear that, everyone? RUIN!!!

That is one of the funniest Internet postings I have seen in ages!

* * * * *

Monday, June 20, 2005 01:16 a.m.

Now that I think about it...

Now that I think about it, I don't think it was a jigsaw puzzle that was on "Sesame Street". I think it was a puzzle with 4 rectangular pieces. I don't think it's a jigsaw puzzle unless the pieces are oddly shaped.

* * * * *

Monday, June 20, 2005 12:59 a.m.

Eek! It's "Sesame Street"! Run for your life!

Why did they put so much scary stuff in children's TV shows?

I don't know if they still do, but in the '70s they did.

When I was a small child, I always watched "Sesame Street", followed by "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood" and then "The Electric Company" on Channel 48 (or maybe Channel 54, once it came along). Of those 3 shows, "Mister Rogers" is the only one where I don't remember anything scary. Of the other 2, I think "The Electric Company" was scarier, although "Sesame Street" did have its scary moments.

"The Electric Company" always had stuff flying around the screen and had that goofy "wokka wokka" music bed (like in a '70s porno) they used for everything. And then they always had that thing where they'd say, "Tune in next time when Fargo North, Decoder says WAAAWWWWW!!!" where they played that weird noise that sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher. The opening and closing themes were scary too.

I remember a lot more of "Sesame Street" though. Everyone says I'm making this up, but I swear there was this one Bert and Ernie skit in the mid-'70s where Bert grew teeth and his face appeared in the upper left corner while this weird banjo music played. Anyone else remember this, or am I just imagining things? That sounds like something that would exist only in my imagination, so I'm not certain if it actually appeared.

Another scary segment on "Sesame Street" (which I know I'm not just imagining) was this one cartoon skit where a baby climbs up to the top of a ladder, and then a thought balloon appears that shows the baby broken into several pieces (like a broken doll). I forgot about this segment for years, until just a few years ago I saw it somewhere, like in an old rerun on Noggin or something.

What was this doing on "Sesame Street" anyway? The cartoon was obviously something that would scare small children, so why was it on a children's show? I was about 28 when I saw it a few years ago, and I almost ran out of the room.

The segment with the banjo music and the sped-up film of the guy running around on a farm or something was kind of scary, but not that scary. Same goes for the cartoon with the ants carrying the letter "Q" up the hill.

Another mildly scary segment is the one where Maria said, "What is the meaning of this?" I don't know why it was scary. Another somewhat scary one is the one with all the non-Muppet characters (like Mr. Hooper and the others) standing on the beach singing about water, and then jumping in the ocean at the end.

The segment they kept showing with the jigsaw puzzle of a photo of some kid's face putting itself together was kind of scary, but not too scary.

Now here is the all-time scariest segment on "Sesame Street": "D" for "dart"! Anyone remember that?

It was a cartoon of a guy talking about all these things that begin with the letter "D". Finally, at the end of the skit, a dart hits him, and his innards splatter everywhere. Seriously. For years I kept thinking he ran into a drinking fountain, causing his guts to splatter, but a few years ago someone told me it was a dart. I know I'm not imagining this segment, since someone else remembered it.

Having not been a regular viewer of "Sesame Street" since 1979, I don't know why I remember so much about it.

They need to make "Sesame Street" scary again. That'll make America strong!

* * * * *

Thursday, June 16, 2005 03:36 p.m.

What a boring week

Man, what a boring week!

It does seem like someone bubbled. Oh well.

* * * * *

Thursday, June 9, 2005 07:08 p.m.

Have no fear, a new ish is here!

Would you believe that The Last Word has a new ish out?

I went 2 months without working on it, then managed to puff out a big 12-pager within only a few days. I think this is the best ish I've had in ages. Somehow the text sounds like something I'd put out in 1998, back when the "boom wokka wokka" stuff was going on. Man, I really came out swinging against the assholes this time!

The newest ish is here:

Also, earlier some woman driving a hulking SUV down the street picked her nose.

* * * * *

Thursday, June 9, 2005 03:31 a.m.

#84 for the week!

I just noticed that for the latest weekly ranking put out by my publisher, my book is up at #84 for the week, out of thousands of books Lulu publishes.

* * * * *

Sunday, June 5, 2005 04:31 p.m.

Got my toast and pee and I'm warming...

Today I thought of something REALLY FUNNY I haven't thought about in years!

Remember some song around 1994 that said, "Got my toast and tea and I'm warming..."? I remember how whenever that song came on the radio, people would sing, "Got my toast and pee and I'm warming..."

I can't even remember who made that song or what it was called, but anyway, I started cracking up laughing when I thought of that!

* * * * *

Tuesday, May 31, 2005 03:59 p.m.

James Watt would like this

Earlier on the way home from Kroger, I cut through the lot at Bellevue Vets and found a smashed Beach Boys cassette laying on the ground.

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Sunday, May 29, 2005 11:55 p.m.

My next book

I'm trying to think of ideas for another book.

I have a couple of good ideas, but I'm not ready to start on it yet.

Also, a new ish may be out soon.

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Saturday, May 21, 2005 12:56 p.m.

Don't pay the celebrity look-alike...don't even fix a price...

Anyone remember the singer Chris DeBurgh, who did that song "Don't Pay The Ferryman" that Q-102 used to play about once every 10 seconds? He was a really popular singer back in my day.

Anyway, I went to Kroger earlier, and some guy who looked just like Chris DeBurgh was standing out in front of the store!

Also, when I was inside Kroger, a young woman kept blowing bubbles with a big pink wad of BG. Yet another Kroger bubbling!

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Tuesday, May 17, 2005 11:50 p.m.

Dammit! Another fucking phone abusing idiot!

I got another threatening phone call this afternoon, and this time I traced it to some Internet hosting service in Louisiana.

It's bad enough when individuals do this shit, but in the past year or two, I've had video stores, eye surgeon offices, private investigators, and nursing homes all doing this very thing, and the weird thing is, I've never had any connection to any of the businesses who pulled this shit.

Amazing. Fucking amazing.

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Tuesday, May 17, 2005 03:48 p.m.


In case you haven't noticed, I've archived the previous entries here. You can click at left to find them, or click here:

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Tuesday, May 17, 2005 03:36 p.m.

Barnes & Noble carries my book! Yay!

Guess what?

Barnes & Noble has my book now! Isn't that thrilling news?

If you're a Barnes & Noble member and you order my book from their website, it actually costs less than it does at Amazon (but more than if you order it from Lulu).

So here's the latest link list for my book The Fight That Never Ends: (recommended)

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To paraphrase a poem that appeared on the restroom wall at the now-defunct Bonanza steakhouse in Newport, KY:

They paint the walls to cover my pen
But the Bathroom Bandit strikes again